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The guilt


chicagobelle

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A week ago today my exboyfriend passed away after surgery. Normally I wouldn't be upset about this but I never said goodbye. We were together for a year (2011-2012) and it had a lot of ups and downs. We went through a lot together. He was a recovering meth addict so he was in rehab for about two months of the year we were together but I was always there. I knew he wanted to be a better person for both me and his son. He had a minor criminal record so it was impossible for him to get a decent job so he couldn't pay a lot of his fines or bills so I started paying them. He never asked me to, I just did because I loved him and wanted to help. There were always hurdles with him. We started spending less time together because he was "selling" perfume with his best friend and he realized that. I never asked much in the relationship just to be appreciated I guess. For Christmas (which we didnt spend together) he got me a charm for my necklace...which I have never taken off even after it was over...and not spending the day together was okay because he showed me he cared. All I wanted was to spend New Years Eve together...which we did. Things seemed to be looking up but then he seemed to be "working" more and had no time for me again. He forgot our anniversary in the beginning of February (which what guy remembers anniversaries) but that was okay because he remembered Valentine's Day and even text me to tell me he missed me and wished we were (I had to work and I'm pretty sure he was hot of town "working"). It was all good but then he forgot my birthday...well he got the wrong date for it. It would t have mattered anyhow because he was out of town on my birthday anyway. That was the end of it for me. It got to hard to deal with so I just walked away....no goodbye or anything. I think I heard from him one or two more times after that.

Then in December, I got a phone call from his best friend saying he was hoping he had the right number for me because Mike had gotten in an accident a few months prior and wanted to see me at the hospital. I was still so mad about petty crap that I could.t go up there. I tried but could't do it. What would I have said had he asked why I walked away; I didn't have the answers for the questions he may have had. Just when I decided I was going to go see him, I got a text from his best friend telling me that he passed away. I am so distraught because I never said goodbye or told hom I still loved him. Last Wednesday was a shock. Last Thursday was spent in tears remembering everything we did together and every moment we had. I went to his funeral last Saturday and sat in the back. I didn't belong there because of how I did him but I had to say goodbye. It's still rough because I just wish I could go back in time and go to the hospital and tell him everything I want to say now. All I can hope is he still loved me and wasn't mad at me. When we were together he was wonderful to me. It's a shame I did him the way I did him.

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Chicagobelle,

I am sorry about the loss of your boyfriend. We all wish we could go back and do things better or differently than we did, but we can't, so we have to move forward. When my father was dying, there were times when I didn't want to sit with him and talk, although that's all he wanted and needed. I have had to come to terms with it, but I am okay now. I know that we are all not perfect.

You can tell him what you want to say to him by writing him a letter. Many people do that, and then hold a little ceremony saying goodbye. It seems to help them. People who love each other forgive, so I'm sure he wasn't mad.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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