What do I do?

[melissa1026]

Hi everyone

It's been a while.. I am still on the roller coaster and I am thankfull that my husband is still here.. We had a really hard time the last part of Feb. took him to Er and they would not transport cause they said he wouldn't make it.. gave him blood and they finally took him to another hospital.. then the drs told me to call everyone since he felt my husband would not make it thru the day... it was so hard.. he went into coma and i just knew he was slipping away... then he pulled thru.. i do believe he's like a cat with 9 lives... i am so glad he got better.. but here is my situation.

My sister wants to take me on a vacation trip for a week.. she is going to pay for everything... wants to take me to Atlanta Ga.. I need a break so badly but so scared of leaving my husband... I have 2 other sisters that are like sisters to him and they are willing to take turns staying with him while i am gone... what do i do... it would break my heart if anything happened while i was gone having fun... but it's been 5 years since i have had a break of any kind and it would be so nice to get away for a while... let me know what you think just not sure what to do

[4everjoeysmom]

Melissa, It's so hard living in constant angst and fear of not knowing when...  BUT you really could use a break.  Yes?  And you do have others willing to step in and do everything necessary, which is a blessing that most people wouldn't have or be able to afford.  I guess if it were me, I would weigh the pros and cons, make certain that if I chose to go that I would have said everything already that needs to be said to my love (just in case), and finally discuss it (if possible) with my love and see if it would be something I could do with his blessing.  No matter when the time comes, you are going to be sad and devastated, whether home or away.  Of course you want to be there for him, but there should be no guilt feelings if you decide to go on a break, because you certainly NEED to be refreshed and rested to be able to caregive in the manner of which you have been doing for so long.  I pray a lot, and would pray about it as well...  BUT I believe if you can go with a certain amount of peace and understanding between you and your husband, by all means take the break.  You can't stop the world from turning, and neither can he, and this is primarily between you and he above anyone else.  You are allowed to take care of yourself and not feel guilty for doing so, especially as it has been so long since you've had a break from the caregiving role.  I'm guessing your husband would agree to that?  Whatever you decide, I pray you have peace with your decision and the strength and help you need to carry on.  Hugs, Claudia

[sheela]

plz forgive me but what ever you do do not leave !! if i had just another week with my mom what i wouldnt give !! if you leave he may give up or think its ok to go stay there with me and help him Fight !!

treasure every moment with him .....

no way would i ever leave ....

go to the spa or a massage place for the day and then to a park or a water world ? and then let that be the vacation .... stay close to him when you are done.. 

(the spa and water world or what ever being in your home town)

[4everjoeysmom]

Sheela, You make a really good point.  It truly is a matter for the heart, and no matter what the decision, I would say choose the one that you can have absolute peace with....   That said, for me I lost my son three months after I decided to leave the country, relocate, and submit myself to long term missionary status.  In getting settled, not having a phone at times and such, I only got to talk to joey twice in the three months between leaving and his passing.  I know time is precious with our loved ones, and I too would love to have more time with Joey.  I felt some guilt for a time after he passed, because I thought "if only" I would have still been there, "if only" I had more time.  Ironically, he was the one worried something would happen to me!  After a time my reality was that no matter where I was, it was his time.  Had I not come here when I did, I may not have come at all, especially after such a loss.  I am committed to my choice, even though it's really hard, and nothing I do can buy back time.  But I do have peace about it now.  I know Joey and I had a relationship to the fullest it could possibly be, and while one more week with him would be wonderful, it would not add or subtract to what we had, other than time itself.  I know my scenario is different, and each of us have such difficult life choices to make, as well as journeying to find our purpose beyond the attachment to other people.  I hope and pray. Melissa, that whatever you decide to do, the choice works out for the best...    Sincerely, Claudia

[melissa1026]

Thanks for the replys... I still have not decided.. I guess I will let my heart decide when it gets closer for us to make a decision. I do appreciate everyone's help. My husband and I have talked at length about this and we've already said alot of the things that need to be said since we go day to day with his illness. I have talked with the pastor of my church and he also feels that wether i am here or not I could not do anything to stop what happens... and he knows that my husband and I have made plans and talked about all that will need to be taken care of at his death. My sisters also know of these plans and would follow thru if need be... I had a taste of not being able to make those decisions in Feb when he was hospitalized... at the same time he was in Er my ear drums (both) burst and they had to put me in er beside him... i was deaf, had 103.5 temp and out of  my head... thank goodness for my sisters.. they took care of him and me... they all know where the papers are for the medical evac team and all his medications... they have been my rock each time i have needed them.. I am so fortunate to have such loving and kind sisters that at a moments notice will be there for me.

 

Melissa

[ramymiller]

Melissa~  I know what you are going through and I am glad I found your post!  I just went through the week of hell and back.  Last Monday I was told to call my husbands family b/c he was not going to make it through the night.  I came to peace with everything and was prepared for his death.  I just wanted him happy and not to suffer anymore.  Then he pulled through....  I just dont know how to deal with everything going on.  My husband has MDS - a bone marrow disease- it has put us through a lot.  I love my husband so much and take my vows seriously.  This really has put a strain on our marriage and just  being us.  With 2 girls and a husband to care for, I went from being a wife, myself, a mom to becoming a mom and caretaker.  I dont know where I fit myself in the picture anymore.  I was told that if he pulled through by some chance that he would not make it through the BM transplant.  How do I attach myself to him again, know that there is a great chance that I will be in the same spot of losing him all over??  I have spent so much time at the hospital over the last 2 months that my girls have been staying with my mom 3 hrs away, because like most men, he is a big baby and afraid to be by himself  in the hosp.  I have decided that I need me back and I can't be there day in and out for him. 

[melissa1026]

Oh how i know what  you are going thru... I pray every night for peace and strength.. just to get thru another day.. I love my husband with all my heart but it's so hard to try to keep things going  and so much on my shoulders. I just keep telling myself to get thru each day that when he is gone i will wish he were still here... and i am willing to do anything to keep him here.. the roller coaster is a rough ride and keeps me torn up most of the time.

I just know the most important thing right now is to keep him happy and comfortable, to let him know how much I love him .  I let him get away with things I normally would throw a fit over cause I sure don't want to fuss... and that takes a toll also...  this life just so different from what i expected... Caregiving is hard... especially when it's mostly left up to the wives to be the caregiver.

[karolynca]

I so understand how you feel, it's my dad the one I am losing and as you say when you become the caregiver it's like there are one thousands bricks in your head, you are suddenly involved in being a mom, a daughter, a wife, a worker, a friend...but you are never allowed time to actually be you.  Many hugs

[ramymiller]

I wanted to put my foot down yesterday and just get the things that needed to be done and stay home, but yet again, I couldn't.  I drove the hour to the hospital and saw Dave last night...  he begged me to stay and I did, these couches and bright lights are horrible.  I got lil sleep b/c by the time I got him to rest no sooner than me doozing off in the lobby did he call me and then again at 2 am to get him some ice.  I was so pissed.  I did get to talk with him last night about some things and it made me feeel a bit better.  It's hard b/c he doesn't remember a lot of things that were going on with us before his last hosp stay.  He told me he was sorry for all the things he said to me before they sedated him, all the things he said but never left his lips in those crazy moments, but it certainly hurt to hear them this time.  I told him that I needed to regain the "me" and that I needed my time.  It's hard when you want to talk with them and they are not all there, like talking to my 5 yr old, no attention span.

~here's to a better day for all of us~

[karolynca]

Ramy I am so sorry you had such a night, I understand what you say that is difficult to say no and just go home and rest.  I hope we all have a better day today

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

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