Two years on and some things are better, some are worse

[scout]

I wasn't sure if I wanted to post here... but then I saw his name in a post and I guess I took it as a sign.

I have been struggling with the sudden and accidental death of my younger brother for just over two years. He was in his early 20s and very full of life, but somewhat troubled and restless. The grief overwhelmed me for many months and I really struggled to maintain my day to day routine. This was made harder still by tension between divorced parents and other family. If there was ever anything to bring a family together, right? Well, this didn't.

6 months into my grieving a number of my 'friends' grew tired of me. I have lost many friends since that time. Some kept their distance and some told me that they couldn't deal with the grief. I do have a small number of very true friends who have been supportive and understanding. I also have an amazing partner who has been a great support.

It's been two years and I am finally reaching a place where I understand I will not be seeing him again. I can understand it and somewhat accept it but every so often my mind just reels at the injustice of it... I just can't comprehend that I won't see him again. That he won't be a father. That he won't fall in love. Sometimes I drown in these moments and it seems like there will be no end to my despair. Other times I am able to swallow it and distract myself. And there are the rarer moments where I can actually think of him and smile or laugh at a treasured memory.

My grief was made harder still by the fact that we had a stupid fight in the weeks before he passed away. A stupid insignificant fight and I wasn't talking to him. I still havent come to terms with that. How do I live knowing that in his final days I was stubbornly refusing to talk to my darling brother who I adored? He was taken from me before we had a chance to laugh it off, like we always did. Some days I just cry and ask him to forgive me. I don't know what happens after we die but I hope he is still out there, somewhere, and knows that I love him.

In some ways I am improving. In others, I am not. I have been on antidepressants for 2 years. I have suffered migraines, weight gain and stress. I feel vulnerable and anxious and fearful that death is around the corner and someone I love will be taken from me. I have a lot of anger but I am not always sure why I am angry.

It gets easier... but it also gets harder.

[blujonny]

I can't imagine the back and forth of your emotions right now scout. It sounds like your heart is sinking like never before into a deeper sense of uncertainty. It's like we're staring vacantly out a window where everything we look at is through a lens of sorrow. I'm not sure if there's ever a 'why couldn't things have been different?' or something else that goes along with it. The pain behind your despondent eyes says it all and I can't even imagine deep within, the confusion, the angst, the sense of losing control inside. It's like a kind of hopelessness sets in. Compared to before, will it ever be the same again? Your emotions must seem so different now and we want to feel like we used to don't we? I know I do. We wish to change things, it's like if we want to we can still remember, it's like they're still in our lives and sometimes their memories are still fresh somehow. But we want to put it all in perspective, we want to reach out and try to change the way things happened. We have to feel differently about it all somehow. All the things they meant to us, how they loved us, the favorite things they would say to us, favorite moments, important things that were said, that were expressed, maybe down to feelings that were unexpressed but we knew all the same...just that feeling of what was once shared between siblings. It's all still a part of us somehow and memories somehow can feel so much more powerful. It's finding how to not be afraid to feel the pleasant, subtle happiness of those memories. And remembering that it's always important to fight to remember these memories without clouding them because what may not be now, the closeness we once we felt is definitely different now. It's for all intents and purposes a challenge. And yet we cope...somehow. They are still special, they were never meant to be forgotten, maybe things have become rare but they are still here with us somehow. Can we ever move on? I'm not sure we ever have all the answers. We just have to cherish them always and know that what once was has its own special meaning to us, for now, for always, for all time.

[Mom of Chip]

Scout....losing a sibling is a very painful experience...a person who has always been in your life, or most of it, now is gone..you probably feel like a part you has died, too.

I feel that a lot of your pain lies in the fact that you and your brother had an argument shortly before he died..You are feeling guilty...but remember this...your brother is now an angel spirit. He understands what you are feeling now..He knows how you feel..and he has forgiven you. He probably realizes that the misunderstanding you had was partly his fault, too. I believe that is the nature of the life hereafter...The deceased become all knowing and they have very forgiving hearts.

So don't beat yourself up over it. Know that he loves you and he knows how much you love him.

Love and hugs to you. May you find peace.