Angry with out him!

[SadBigSister]

I have spent the last year of my life in a fight for my little brothers life. In Feb 2012 he was put on life support for the 1st time. Anemona gone septic o2 keep dropping under 50. That night the drs came out and told us he wouldnt make in tho the night. Lots of prayers and well wishes and healing hands of the Drs pulled his tho past all the odds. From Feb 15, 2012 to Dec 3, 2012 he spent more time in the hospital then at home with his family. He was on life support 6 times and underwent countless test. The 1st time on life support he was under got feeling better and was let out to go home. Only to be back in in a week. We watched him go in and out of the hospital all year never to spend a full week out.

In this time his wife lost faith in him and cheated on him with his best friend and is now prego with a baby that may be this mans child. This only broke my brothers heart and made him lose some of his will to live. His only happiness came from his 4 kids and his family.

After tons of complaining from our mother to the Drs here that they were not finding the problem that was making him sick my brother was sent to Barnes to see if they could help him. He spent a week their running test and was sent home to wait for them to call him back for answers.

The night he came home I went over with my kids and hubby made dinner for both my little brothers and just hung out until late that night. It was wonderful to have our family all together just being us. When it came time to take my kids home and tuck them in for the night we all gave hugs, said our I love yous and good night sleep tight! The morning when my mother came to check on him he had passed 27 days before his 32st birthday.

In the last 6 weeks sense we have said our last good bys my heart hurts more then I ever thought it could. Everyone says it takes time and I will someday get over the loss of him. I know I must move on with life and become ok with losing him but I just cant let it go. All the hurtful things that have been said and done to him over the last year. I feel the need to pay back the people who hurt him the most. But I am trying to make peace for the sake of his kids who meant the world to him.

I am writing here in the hopes that finding other people who have lost a brother also will help my with my anger.

[blujonny]

I can't imagine the back and forth of your emotions right now SadBigSister. It sounds like your heart is stinging with a pain you've never felt before. It's like you're trying to look down the road, but with so much pain surrounding you. I'm not sure if there's ever a 'what just happened?' running through your mind or anything else that goes along with it. The pain rushing through your heart says it all and I can't even imagine deep within, the strain, the sense of frustration, the heaviness inside. It's like a kind of hopelessness sets in. Compared to before, will it ever be the same again? Your emotions must seem so different now and we want to feel like we used to don't we? I know I do. It's like if we want to we can still remember, it's like they're still in our lives and sometimes their memories are still fresh somehow. All the things they meant to us, how they loved us, the favorite things they would say to us, favorite moments, important things that were said, that were expressed, maybe down to feelings that were unexpressed but we knew all the same, just being that close...just that feeling of what was once shared between brother and sister. It's all still a part of us somehow and memories somehow can feel so much more powerful. It's finding how to not be afraid to feel the pleasant, subtle happiness of those memories. And remembering that it's always important to fight to remember these memories without clouding them because what may not be now, the closeness we once we felt is definitely different now. It's for all intents and purposes a challenge. And yet we cope...somehow. They are still special, they were never meant to be forgotten, maybe things have become rare but they are still here with us somehow. Can we ever move on? I'm not sure we ever have all the answers. We just have to cherish them always and know that what once was has its own special meaning to us, for now, for always, for all time.