Feeling so alone...

[jlea79]

I am brand new to this site; but was pleasantly surprised to see that it existed. I lost my Mother a little over 3 years ago. She was 65 years old. She was so active & honestly didn't look a day over 49. I was raised in a single parent household with no siblings so my Mom was my everything. During my late teenage years we really started butting heads & I moved out. We lost contact for several years; until a friend of hers got in contact with me and told me that my Mom had breast cancer. To rewind a bit my Mom had lung cancer several years back. She was in the clear for the longest time and then it came back. I was there for my Mom through it all and we developed a much stronger relationship. I can honestly say that my Mom was one of my best friends. She was someone I always knew I could count on for anything. She always had the best advice and a hug that made me feel so safe. After this cancer she developed it once again. My Mom was a fighter & courageously fought her way through it again. A month before my 30th birthday my Mom informed me that the pain she had been suffering for; for almost a year was in fact bone cancer. Unfortunately, because of being misdiagnosed by her doctors for over a year there was nothing that they could do for her. She was in and out of the emergency room dealing with excruciating pain that no one could get under control. The week before Easter my Mom was admitted again into the hospital & they finally decided to keep her to get her pain under control. We all thought (including my Mom) that once the pain was under control that she would be released and we could enjoy the rest of her days/months together & finally go on the beach trip that we were planning for in December. This dream smashed into a zillion pieces the day that the doctor pulled me into the hallway and told me there was nothing more that they could do for her. WHAT??? This couldn't be happening. Over the next day my Mom aged at least 30 years. She was in a coma and on 100% oxygen by this point. While my Mom was healthy they asked her if she wanted to be resuscitated or kept on life support and she did not. I had been working 12-14 hour days and then spending my evenings at the hospital with my Mom. Once I knew how serious this had become I notified my employers and at that point I was at the hospital 24/7. Saturday night I had just fallen asleep & my Mom sat up abruptly and started yelling for her Mom saying that she could see her (My Grandmother had been dead for at least 3 years at this time). This was the last time I would ever hear my Mom say anything. I was totally freaked out. I called my best friend to come to the hospital because I could no longer bear to be alone. I knew that something bad was happening...as much as I didn't want to face it I knew deep down that this was the end. Easter Sunday will never be the same for me again. This is now known to me as the day that my Mom took her last breath. I held her hand and told her I would be ok. I was there right until the end. I will never forget this moment in my life. It haunts me. I was the one who the doctor came to and told that I had to make the decision. I had to tell them to take my Mom off of life support. Three years have passed and it still haunts me. Everyone has told me that she's better off & it's what she would have wanted. Then why does it feel like I just gave up on my best friend? She fought it before...

As hard as it's been my life has gone on. I gathered up enough strength to sell her condo in Ottawa & move to a smaller town where I bought my own house and finally started up my dream business. These should be the happiest years of my life. I can honestly say that I feel like there is a grey cloud hanging over me. I've lost the desire to continue on. I barely have the energy to get out of bed sometimes. I do it because I HAVE TO. I broke it off with my boyfriend; and have no desire to date anyone. I have stopped going to the gym & have turned to food as a way of comforting myself (because of this I've gained at least 30 pounds) which is just making me feel worse. I've luckily had an amazing best friend whose been by my side when all my other friends took off. The only thing is no matter what she can't fully understand the loss I'm feeling. She has her Mom. Holiday's are especially hard. I feel very alone. I don't know where to go from here.

How can it be that I lost my Mom on April 12th, 2009 and it still hurts so bad that it feels like it was just yesterday?

Thanks for taking the time to read this & I hope some of you have time that we could chat. I could really use the help of people who actually understand what this kind of pain is like.

Jodi

[karebear]

Hi Jodi, Welcome to the site. I have been here since May when I lost my dad. I am sorry to hear about your mom, she seems like she was a great lady. I haven't lost my mom yet but I will slowly, she has had MS for 47 years and she is barely walking at this point. Like you she is my best friend. Losing my dad was really difficult, we are an incredibly close family and although I don't know what it is to lose my only parent I like you am still struggling with the loss. Today was a great day, I got terriffic news and 1 hour later I am crying, remembering being by my dad's bedside. I know a day doesn't pass that I don't struggle with the loss, sometimes managable, sometimes overwhelming. I like you have been turning to food and I have gained a lot of weight since may. My mother even bought me a diet program for my birthday (without asking), because she cares. I don't feel the holidays are as happy as the used to be, sometimes I wish I could just stay in bed for them, close the doors, turn off the lights and let the pass without me.

I am glad you have someone to support you, that is important. I have God to talk to and my husband of course, of the 2 my husband has not always been there for me. I have been angry that he cannot understand what I need and how I am feeling. He acts like if he ignores it that the grief will just disappear, and maybe it will in time who knows.

If you ever need to talk message me,

your friend,

Karebear

[rox411]

Jodi,

I too put on weight after mom passed, but as you know it was in the midst of many losses in my family. I took a hypnosis class last year that dealt with emotional eating. This is her website. http://www.myhealinghypnosis.com/ I went to her class for 2 reasons, she was giving it locally at the middle school in town, and she was the food and nutrition teacher when I was in high school, so I know she knows what she is talking about. Even though she is in Connecticut, maybe there is a local person that you can find to help. You and I have talked about how much easier it is to be alone, but I find that I am ok in a structured environment like a class. You are so lucky to have such a good friend. Keep in touch-roxanne

[kaycee42]

Jodi

The are many people on here that can relate to what you are saying I lost my Mum November 2009 and not a day goes by without missing her. Very quickly after Mums death I put on 28lbs. Now my Dad has passed too and I have put on a further 14lbs in 4 months. I do not feel I am eating more I just think I am eating rubbish. I just seem not to be able to be bothered with myself. I just hope that one day we will come out the other side of all this.

I know you worry about the decisions you had to make but if you really think about it, the decision was already made for you, what other choice was there, you was very brave. When I had to sign a DNR for my Mum I had no doubt that I was doing the right thing, my thinking was, what would I be bringing Mum back to, not a life, but more pain and suffering. In the end, Mum was not resuscitated, (on my instruction remember) and God did his work, not me. If you do not believe in God then nature took it's course, it was not you, you are not responsible. Now you need to take it easy on yourself, and give yourself a break. You are obviously a good person and a hard worker, now you need to focus on having a life of your own. Sending you big hugs.