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Extremely Long- Letter to Mama- How Do I let go?


Rms1977

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Dear Mama,

Where do I honestly begin? How do I find the words to describe the pain that I feel, from losing you? Words cannot describe it, Mama. I can only tell you this:

Since you've passed on September 18th, my life has forever changed. As of this present day, I don't see how it could possibly ever be the same. I have come to terms with the fact that my life will forever have something "Missing"...that "Something" is "Someone"...and that someone is You! You are my bestfriend, Mama. I have so many memories with you, and for that, I am so very thankful. I couldn't imagine being in my sisters shoes. Y'all had barely a relationship at all, she doesn't have the memories I have. Mama, I'm so angry. I am not the same person! I cry all of the time. I do not sleep, most of the time I do not eat, I have withdrawn myself from my friends, and I have become what most like to call a "hermit".

I knew this day would eventually come, and I thought I was prepared. I mean, you had been battling your health issues for quite sometime. Even in 2006, being on lifesupport in a coma for 28 days. They told us then that you were gone; no brain activity, and to let you go. I fought that and said NO...Mama isn't gone! And guess what? I was right! You woke up just 2 days after they told us that....call it intuition, call it what you will....we just had that bond; one not everyone has with their mother.

I've never really been a woman of many words, when it comes to talking about my feelings. I've always written, my whole life. Since your passing, I've written nothing but poetry about/to you. So many people on here have complimented me, and even said my poetry has said exactly how they feel. It feels good to know I can help someone through my words. But why isn't it helping me? Mama, I have so many mixed emotions, I don't even know where to begin. I am just going to try and do the best I can, at explaining it all.

You and I have been through hell and back. Growing up, it was just you and I. You took care of me, the best way you knew how. You did a wonderful job, Mama. We didn't have everything we wanted, but you always made sure I had exactly what I needed. I did everything with you. I even slept with you, until I was 15. Just because we would "chat" at night. In 1996 when you and Dad had your car accident, my world changed. My outgoing Mama had disappeared. Then over the next 16 years, I watched you completely fade away. Once a healthy, vibrant, outgoing, beautiful woman.....turned into a 70 lb, gray haired, frail, unhealthy woman... After 11 surgeries, what could one expect? I watched them throw more pills at you, until your body was so addicted to them, there was no helping you. I watched the pills control your life, and leave me feeling all alone, even when you were right beside me. I spent most of my adulthood stopping what I was doing, anytime my Dad needed me to take care of you. I have literally watched you lay in the floor with the coffee table on top of you, passed out in the floor, cigarette holes in your gown, burned your stomach, and your fingers from dropping it while you were passed out. No longer would you get up and go anywhere, as your life was over. You were too high to do anything, even enjoy watching my kids grow. This was not my Mama. My mama had never even drank in her life, let alone be an addict. My kids saw me feed you, bathe you, clothe you, carry you to bed....at the age of 5, my kids already understood addiction. They would say "Grandma is high again"...that KILLED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After several years of watching this, I decided it was enough. I was not going to love my Mama to her death. I loved you far too much, to watch you die from addiction, in which the doctors created! I got a lawyer, and set a court date, to observe whether you needed rehab, court ordered. That day was one of the worse days of my life! I am sitting in the waiting room of the courthouse, and the elevator door opens....all I see is my Mama in hand cuffs, and cuffs around her ankles! I scream...Why did you arrest her? You're hurting her!!! Take the cuffs off of my frail Mama. They assured me they weren't tight, and they only did it until court started, to ensure she didn't run. You wouldn't even look at me. You got on the stand and told the judge I was lying, because you wouldn't babysit my kids anymore..as you weren't able to. You had several surgeries that left you in chronic pain, and your meds were prescribed. Guess what? It worked..they believed you. My attempt at getting my Mama help, had failed. that was in 2006.....

So here we are, 6 years later, and you're gone. I thought I had "prepared" myself, but nothing could ever prepare me!!!!! We didn't speak for a couple of months, as you were so angry at me. You couldn't seem to understand why I was "butting in" your business. I finally got to the point, where I let you do what you were going to do. I just wouldn't sit around and watch it. You moved 2 hours from me, which was the farthest I have ever lived from you. I missed you...yet you seemed you were OK now! Dad passed away, you were so lonely...but you were so convincing when you told me the doctor changed your meds, and you're doing so great!! I guess I was okay, as I didn't live so close..and didn't see you killing yourself everyday. When I would talk to you on the phone, you would seem normal...As I could tell if you were out of it, even on the phone. I had been your caregiver for so many years.

July 5th, 2012 you were having your kidney removed for Kidney cancer. I drove to your home on the 4th of July, and stayed the night with you, to drive you to the hospital the next morning. Everything went well as planned, and when you were released on the 9th, I drove you to my home to care for you for 2 weeks. I took off work, once again..they were great, letting me work from home for 2 weeks, so I could be there with you during the day. My nightmare began again...............I got your prescriptions filled...220 pills for a 70 lb woman, for one month! After the first week of you drowning in your soup bowl, falling over on the couch, tripping when you walked, and passing out........I told you..."Mama, I WILL NOT love you to your DEATH!!!! You have two choices, you can either A.), give the pills to me, and I'll give them to you on a schedule, or B.), go stay with my brother...but you will not worry me to death, over-dosing in my home"..you begged me not to make you leave my house. For the next week, you did wonderful me giving you your pills. I got that last good week with you, before I had to drive you home 2 weeks later, so you could have your post-op appointment.

They day I took you home, on July 18th, I was in a bit of a rush. I remember being aggrevated, because you had brought some drama into my home. You would stay on the phone and argue with everyone, and let them argue with you. I told you "Mama, stop it! I can't handle this..hang up the phone".........I'm so sorry Mama. I didn't mean to holler :( I would give anything to have you here with me right now, to tell you how sorry I am.

A week later, you called me crying, and said the results from your kindey came back. The doctor called to tell you it was a mistake!!!!!!!!!!! There was no cancer in the kidney they removed!!!! You were so upset, and I was freaking out...

You had called me 5 days before you died, and asked me if you could come move back in with me. I told you yes, that wouldn't be a problem. But after talking to my fiance', he told me no. He told me he couldn't allow you to move in our home with your addiction problem, and submit my 12 yr old daughter, or our family, to your addiction. I hated having to tell you no, but I knew you could stay with sis, as she had no kids to witness that. That was the FIRST TIME in my life I have EVER turned you down. I have always taken care of you, Mama, and all by myself. You said you understood...........

Little did I know, exactly 8 weeks to the day after I took you back home, you were gone. I am SO SORRY I TURNED YOU DOWN, MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not the same woman!! I HATE my fiance' for not letting you move in with me!!!! I hate him for making me tell you no!!!!!!!!! I hate myself for listening to a man!! This has caused so many relationship issues, I don't know if we're okay, Mama. I know how much you loved him, and was so proud that he proposed to me while you were staying with us after your surgery. You told me "I'm so glad you found someone to love and adore you, Ronda"........

Mama, I'm kind of pissed off at you too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't understand these emotions, and dont' know how to deal with them!!!!!!!! I'm pissed at you, because you're gone!!!! The damn pills made you gone!!!!! I tried to help you!!! Even when you died on MY CHEST, Sis looked at me and said "Ronda, she's not okay!!!!" I REPLIED "SHE'S FINE, SHE'S JUST HIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mama, WHEN YOU NEEDED HELP, I didn't even know it!! I had seen you pass out on me a million times, so this time, I didn't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Any normal person would know when someone died on them!!! Not ME, Damnit, not ME!!!!!!!!!!!! I am pissed that you are gone! I am pissed I had to witness 16 years of hell, I am pissed my kids don't have a grandma, and what they do remember of her, is her being high! I am pissed that the doctors did this to you! I am pissed that I can't see you, I am pissed that I can't kiss you, I am pissed at myself, because I couldn't fix you, and I turned my back.

How on Earth am I ever suppose to be okay? They say, when a person you love dies from addiction, it is very easy for the loved ones to feel guilty themselves. Yes, I can see that. I feel so guilty.

I just don't know how to find that vibrant, funny, outgoing, smart, loud, life of the party, tons of friends, wonderful career........woman, that i used to be.

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RMS1977,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your precious mother. Her battle with her addiction was a fight so many people wager. Please don't feel guilty. You did what you could, and you've suffered enough already.

As far as your fiance, well, he made a very difficult decision to protect his family. You do not want your children to be any more affected by addiction than they already are. The disease of addiction takes a horrible toll on everyone, and it has no boundaries. I hope you find a way to resolve the issue with your fiance, for all of your sake.

Perhaps a grief and loss group may help you deal with your devastating loss. Are you talking with your siblings about your mom? Are you able to talk to anyone? We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

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Mod,

Thank you for the great advice. I know you're right. I do have to forgive him. He didn't kill her. In the end, what killed her, was a heart attack caused by a bowl explosion- and then a massive stroke. They say completely unrelated to the pills, but I can't agree.

I made a decision today to forgive him, and move on. I don't want to hurt anymore, and I don't want to hurt him either. He is too wonderful to treat so badly. He's been through hell and back for me, and I'm quite lucky he is still here. E liked my Mama, and she adored him.

My 12 ur old daughter adores him, and he adores her. He is active in all of her sports, coaching them all. He is the best step-father she could ever have.

I wrote that letter, as an "end" to my harbored hate. Believe it or not, it worked.

Thank you again!

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