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Well, I am new to this and dont have what it takes to go out to a counselor yet....

The father of my only child commited sucide (via police shooting) about a month ago, Its been like HELL for me on and off ever since.....One of myworst problems that i am experiencing is being alone, feeling scaredthat I am now going to die, and trouble falling asleepsometimes cause scared i will die.... I am also scared of failing bigtime!!! i dont understand what is going on with me...... I pray quite a bit about these weird feelings because I am also feeling like his spirit is haunting me in a bad way.... I know this might sound crazy... but it is all too real for me.... I gotta keep strong... we had a child together and I feel an urgency to be there for her when she breaks..... but, then again... What about me???? (she is a teen)... there is so much more but thats enuff for now

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sippiofficer

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not alone. I struggle daily with the loss of my son's father from leukemia. It will be a year this month and I am just now starting to grieve. My teenage son keeps his emotions in and rarely talks about his father. I know it's tough for him but he just doesn't show it. In time I hope that he will open up more to me. I hope you can find the courage to talk openly with your daughter about her father. It's tragic for us but more so for them I believe. Death has a way of us thinking we're being punished and will take every ounce of sanity from us if we let it. After the death of my son's father, I worried myself sick that leukemia was hereditary and had him tested. In which his tests were fine. I think I did it to ease my mind of the possibility that at that moment I would have to relive that nightmare. I was scared of death too and still am. The diagnosis of leukemia for him still has me wondering if at some point that my son will get it too. I will always have that fear. I am constantly in fear of something medically being wrong and worry myself to the point where I have symptoms of some of those diseases. Sounds crazy to a lot of people I know but it was a side effect of the constant researching of different treatment options for him. I googled too much lol. That being said, give yourself some credit, you are not failing your daughter nor yourself. Something as tragic as suicide will leave a burden that not many people understand. I lost a friend and family member to suicide. You will always wonder why they did it, even in the midst of what went on before his death. You will try as hard as you can to figure this out. Let yourself grieve, talk to us, talk to me! I found this site yesterday when I was at my lowest, and began interacting with those that have went through the same things. It's different than talking to your friends or your loved ones. They are not here to judge or just say get over it like I have encountered with many family members. They listen and thats what we need. We need people to know how upset and angry we are. It's therapeutic and will help with the recovery. Feel free to message me if you want to talk. Although myself and my son's father had not been together for 13 years, I still love him and always will. It's natural. I am still angry and I cry and scream. It's all apart of my healing process.

Blessings to you and your daughter,

Stacy

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