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Frustrated With People's Comments


mares2001

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I needed to vent/share and I am hoping someone can help me out with some words of wisdom. It has been almost 8 months since my mother passed away and my husband keeps telling me that I need help. I dont think that he understands what I am going through since the only person he has ever lost were an uncle and his grandmother; he still has both of his parents. I feel like I am dealing with this in my own way and he doesnt seem to get it all he keeps thinking, in my opinion is, that I shoudl be getting better and moving forward. Believe me I am...the holidays were rough but got through them, I even had to deal with his family and I did it quite well I thought. He was like you need help after coming to the cemetery with me and then he sat in the car, or I made him sit in the car, while I talked to my mother and father. I cried off an on for 40 minutes. This is how I am dealing with it. I think that maybe he should go talk to someone and realize I am coping with it the best that I can. I dont know what else to say to him to make him semi understand what it is like.

I just want him to stop telling me that I am not dealing with her death because I "deal with it" every day. I am sorry that I am not dealing with it the way he would like.

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lyndseynichole

Everybody grieves differently. Me for example, some days I'm OK and I can work through it. But I have my bad days as well. No two people grieve in the same exact way. Like you said, you're "dealing with it" every single day. In my opinion, unless you have suicidal thoughts afterwards or you get into a deep, deep depression to where you font even want to get out of bed, then you're dealing with it. To me, it sounds like he needs to be a little bit more sensitive. I agree, maybe he needs to talk to someone that understands the grieving process more. Maybe you both could go and you can get tips on how to cope with your grief? Idk. Just a thought.

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That sounds like a good idea..I just want him to understand that she will always be on my mind. And it does ease with time as it has with my father who passed away 26 years ago. But this is still fresh and my mother and I were really tight. Not many people had a bond like my mother and I. I am not having bad thoughts...in the beginning I did say that I would have rathered have been with her but I have gotten past that.

I dont want to be told by someone that I need therapy when I know that I dont.

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Everybody is different and we all deal with everything differently. The owner of the cemetery told me I should be at peace because I go to the cemetery quite often. I lost my Momma October 11, 2011. I am dealing with her not being with me, seeing her face, smile, hearing her laughter, and all the things I did for her everyday. So going to the cemetery talking to her is my way of dealing with it in my own way. I agree with lyndseynichole, both of you should go see someone and they should be able to explain to him everybody deal with losing a love one differently and especially since he does not know how it feels because he has both his parents.

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It might help your husband and you to both go see a grief counselor. It hasn't helped me much since I lost my Dad in November but I think it prepared my wife for what was to come with my moods and grief process. Like lindseynichole I don't think anyone grieves alike but there are commonalities. Spouses who haven't been through traumatic experiences aren't going to understand what it's like. My wife had never lost anyone close to her. I've lost a brother, both sets of grandparents and most of my close relatives. I was utterly unprepared for my Dad's passing. I haven't dealt with it well and I see my wife struggling to want to help me and want me to get better but not being able to help. Maybe that is your husband's intent, he wants to help so bad and is frustrated he can't. It's go to be hard on them, I sympathize with our spouses but I also understand that this is YOUR grief and your way of doing things. You've got to do what you think is best.

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stillfighting431

I'm so sorry for your loss.I lost my mom 19 months ago,so I know what you're going thru.I feel your pain.People who never lost someone close to them can't understand the nightmare you're living right now not unless they go thru it themselves.And I won't wish this pain on anyone.I agree with everyone else about talking to a grief counsellor together as it may make your husband understand your grief better.Perhaps then he'll be more sensitive & understanding towards your state of mind.Or there's the direct approach.Print out the grief etiquittes below & put them up where he can see them.This will give him an idea of what you go thru 24/7.

...'Grief Etiquittes' by Kali Shey......

Posted 17 October 2011 - 10:50 PM

When someone loses a loved one.. that is the time to put grudges aside. It is a time for forgiveness. It is a time for understanding. It is a time to give them that extra bit of slack.. or huge amounts of it, if necessary.

When someone loses a loved one.. that is the time that they are most vulnerable. It is a time when they are the most 'human'. It is a time when they are the most fragile.. and easily broken.

When someone loses a loved one.. they are not going to 'get over it' tomorrow, or next month, or even next year. They are not going to stop thinking about the person who has passed. They are not going to forget what is missing, even after everyone else does.

When someone loses a loved one.. they need compassion. They need love. They need to cry, to scream, to laugh, to fall apart and put themselves back together, over and over again. They need you to realize that every day of their life is now different.. another unique reminder of what they've lost.

When someone loses a loved one.. don't be afraid to comfort them. Don't be afraid to acknowledge their loss. Don't be afraid to make them cry, because they're going to cry anyway. Don't be afraid to say the wrong thing, because the worst thing to say is nothing at all.

When someone loses a loved one.. they are haunted by the person they used to be. By the life they used to have. By the memories of the one who is gone. A person can never be replaced, and those they leave behind are never the same.

When someone loses a loved one.. they will be angry. They will be sad. They will tell you the same stories, share the same anecdotes, over and over, until you could recite them yourself. Let them. It is a way of keeping their memory alive.

When someone loses a loved one.. be kind to them. They are going through their own private hell, and every single day requires a strength that, until you've experienced it yourself, is simply unimaginable.

Stay strong ....we're all here with you......

 

 

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