lost mother recently due to an OD (LONG)

[lyndseynichole]

Here's my story.

My mother and I have always been close. She's always been the one person I could turn to when I had nobody else. We fought, just like every mother and daughter do, but it never changed our love for one another.

Over time, when I was about 13, my mom admitted to me that she was an alcoholic. She was in and out of rehab for the next couple of years, but had slowed down on her drinking A Lot. I later found out that it was because she had progressed into doing weed and "spice." That wasn't good enough. She moved onto prescription pain medication. She got deeper and deeper into it, and I finally had enough. My fiancée and I moved about 15 hours away looking for a fresh start. About 3 months after we left, my step dad had enough and went to Florida to visit his family long term and were going through a divorce. After he left, she started hanging around some REALLY shady people. Her car would disappear for weeks, shed stay at a friends house for days, things started getting really scary up until the last two weeks.

My mother and I had been talking and she was ready to get her life back on track. She was ready to be the old "her" that we all knew was there and loved. She had quit a lot of her drugs, had not been drinking, and was looking to go back to school to be a surgical tech. She had everything going for her.

I got a phone call Thursday morning at 1:00 am from her. I had been staying at my grandmothers house helping her move for two days. She had called me to ask if I would set an alarm and call her to wake her up at 7:45am since she had traffic court that morning and if id pick her up and take her. I told her I would and that I loved her. She didn't make it to traffic court.

When we found her is a night that keeps replaying in my head. I had gone to her house at around 11:00am so I could get clothes for work the next day. The doors were locked, so I banged and banged on the door, no response. I rang the doorbell over and over, no response. I thought "well, maybe she's just sleeping." She hadn't slept in 3-4 days cuz she took in a stray cat and kept it in her room. This cat came into heat and me owed constantly, preventing her from sleeping. So I didn't think much of it. Got home, tried calling later in the day, no answer. I had been calling almost nonstop from 7:45 am until 8:00pm with no answer. Nobody else had heard from her either, so I became worried. My uncle Bryan, my fiancée Jeff, and I decided to go back to her house. We ended up having to break a window to get inside since all the doors were still locked. I won't go into detail about what we saw, but I will say this. No child should ever have to see their parent like this. I had to call 9-1-1 And tell them my mom was gone. When it came time to make arrangements, I did everything. I still see her everywhere. Toxicology reports are still pending, but were pretty sure we know what happened. The cat had been keeping her up for days and she just wanted to get some sleep. So she took something that she knew would help. But since she had been getting clean, her tolerance level wasn't what it used to be. So she had an accidental overdose. I do not think badly about my mother for the mistake she had made. I know she was facing a lot of demons and she's now at peace and not hurting anymore. And I know she's still watching over me. But it doesn't make the days any easier. I have good days and bad days, more bad than good. I still expect to see her come out of her room. I hear her laugh. I see her smile. Everything reminds me of her. I don't know if the days will ever be "easy" to handle again. But I can't be the only person feeling this way. I know, people have parents that die all the time. You should expect it at some point. But not when your mother is only 45. At 22 years old, I never thought I'd have to plan my mothers services. This happens to other peoples moms.. not mine. Not suddenly and unexpected like this. Maybe I'm in denial, but this wasn't supposed to be the way things were to go. I miss her more than I could ever describe and I think about her more than anything. I'd give ANYTHING to have just another 5 mins with her.

[CCKline]

Lyndsey-I recently lost my father VERY unexpectedly, as well. If that weren't bad enough, he went in an AWFUL way...a way I never would have IMAGINED he would go. And at 25, I wasn't ready to lose him...nowhere near ready.

But in all honesty, are we ever "ready"? After a lot of soul searching for the last 3 weeks, I don't think I ever would have been ready to lose him. It's an awful reality that we all have to face at some point.

It sounds like all of this happened pretty recently with your mom (if by Thursday you mean last week), so everything is still VERY fresh. Things are still feeling pretty raw for me (3 weeks and 1 day out from losing my dad), as well. I'm hoping that everyone is right and that it will start getting a little easier soon. I don't know if it will ever stop hurting, but I'm looking forward to being able to cope a little easier.

I'm wishing you peace, as you have an awful imagine in your mind that you have to make peace with. But I'm confident that with time, you'll be able to move forward <3

[RobbG]

I can sympathize with the way you found your mom. My father lived with my wife and I and was in great health. I saw him at 11pm the night before and he said "See you tomorrow" and I replied in kind. At around 3:30 he came out of his room to use the restroom. Apparently he passed sometime after that. I was in the next room watching TV. I didn't hear anything but I was right there. The next morning I was supposed to take my Dad to get his hair cut. When he wasn't awake (he was an early riser) I figured maybe he just slept in. I took a shower, walked the dog and decided to wake him up. I knocked and got no answer. When I walked in the room I couldn't believe what I saw. I still can't get the image out of my head. You are right it's something no child should ever have to see. I can't imagine the day I will get over that image. I tried CPR but it was obvious he was gone. The paramedics said it had been a few hours.

I took charge of everything that day even though I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I made all the notifications, called the funeral home. I wouldn't let anyone go in that room, not my wife and not my mother (my Dad's ex-wife). I figured this was my burden and no one else should have to see him like that. Also I don't think he would have wanted anyone to see him that way.

It's a terrible thing to go through so young and I wish I could tell you it get's better. I'm sure it does. Like you said people lose people all the time and life goes on for them. For some it seems especially cruel as does your story. I can't say if it's denial but I feel the same way; this shouldn't be my life. My Dad was going to live longer, I wasn't going to have to go through this until I was older. I would give years of my life gladly for another couple minutes with him, another conversation or just a hug. I miss him every day, I loved the guy. I think our pain is a testament to how much we loved the people we lost.

I wish the best for you and believe it or not this place does help. It's helpful to write about what you feel and interact with people that are dealing with similar situations. You are not alone in this.

[lyndseynichole]

Thank you very much for the replies and support.

CCKline, you're exactly right. Nobody is ever "ready" to lose a parent. But for it to happen suddenly, without any warning is hard. When you hear of a parent dying, you think that they must have been sick or they must have had something wrong that would lead you to believe that their death was coming. That there must have been some kind of warning sign, but that isn't the case. As you've said, I've done a lot of soul searching since this has happened. I have big plans for my future, my outlook on people is different, even my beliefs have changed. I just wish it wouldn't have taken this for these things to happen.

RobbG, it sounds like you can relate as far as the mental image being burned into my mind. Every time I close my eyes, its there. The night we found her, I would not go back into the house. I eventually was forced to so we could have a family discussion as far as where services would take place, but that took place in our basement (our house is a split level. You can enter the basement from the garage and the upstairs is the main living area). But it took me approx. 3 days before I could even stomach going upstairs. It took me another 2-3 days before I could look down the hallway into her bedroom. By the end of the first week, I was able, for the first time, enter her bedroom. But I couldn't until then because every time I tried to.. I saw her. Laying exactly how we found her. I still see it every time I enter her room, but its getting more manageable now that its been a day short of 2 weeks since it happened.

Wow.. its already been almost two weeks.. I didn't realize that until now. Wow.. it sure doesn't seem like it. Then again, all the days have just been running together. I feel like I've just been going through the motions. Like I'm walking in a fog that doesn't seem to go away. I still catch myself thinking "oh mom would love this. I should buy it for her." Or "moms gonna be PISSED when she sees this." Or "I can't wait to get home and tell mom about this." Then it hits me. Oh yeah... she's gone.

[RobbG]

Unfortunately for myself I had no choice but to return to the house. Our lease is up in 6 months so we are definitely going to be moving but for now we are stuck. It took me awhile to go back in his room after the first day. That first day while I think I was still in shock I removed his sheets and folded his clothing, tidied up a bit. I don't know why to this day. It was like I was expecting him back or something.

Since then I only go in there so often. My dog used to jump on his bed when he wasn't home and mess up his pillows. She doesn't do this to anyone else. My Dad used to laugh and say she was crazy but he always left his door open when he went to work so she could do it. Every so often I let her in there so she can do her business. I think he would have liked that. I put a picture of him on his nightstand and every so often I will go sit on his bed and try to talk to him. It feels hollow because of my lack of faith but I am trying anything to get by.

I still see the images. They get less frequent with time but when they come back they are as vivid as if I am seeing it for the first time. It's been 1 day shy of two months and it still feels unreal at times. I do the same thing, when I am going home I think "I have to tell Dad about this" and then get really sad. I am certain I realize he is gone but there is that weird space in our brains that allows us to simultaneously know something and not know. Not certain if that makes sense to you.

I hope the fog goes away for you and you can begin living your life. It's tough to say the least.

[jasmine.gwen]

Lyndsey...this sounds all too familiar....Im 26 and just lost my 46 year old mom. She had a long substance abuse history and was actually 11 days drink free the day she died. My relationship with her was strained due to the abuse, but it never kept me away completely. I'm also still waiting on toxicology reports but like you, I'm almostpalmostpositive she accidentally od'd as well. My momma never slept well, if at all. And I'm sure she was just trying to get some sleep. She stopped breathing in her sleep and couldn't breathe on her own before she actually passed..which was only a little after an hour after my step dad found her. I was fortunate that I didn't find her, as i live almost 3 hours away. And I'm sorry you had to see your momma like that. I hope sharing my similar experience helps. I know it feels like no one understands sometimes because that is how I feel at times. Just know there are people in the world sharing your suffering and are willing to listen/read and share support.