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    I am coming upon my fifth anniversary on May1st and it feels like it was yesterday.

Tom died in my arms at home and his last words were "I love you".  I know he took his love for me with him.  I felt like so many of you; I wanted to lie down next to him in the casket and stay there for eternity, but that was not meant to be.  I went to the grave everyday for so many months and just wore myself out.  I now realize that he is not there and it is just a shell.  I know in my heart that he is with me and always will be.  I just want to feel his closeness and I don't know how to make him be able to do this.  I still miss him terribly.  As I said, it feels as though it was yesterday.  I still cry just about every day but the pain is not as severe as it was.  I don't think I will ever stop missing him; just trying to live without him is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  He and I had a unique marriage; my sister used to call us "Barbie and Ken".  He was the kindest, gentlest soul I have ever known.  There are still days that I tell myself I can't do this anymore by myself and I just want to be with him.  But, I know if I took my own life that (according to my belief) I would never see him anyway.  The song by Josh Groban, Fly Me Up To Where You Are, says it all.  Peace to all of you out there who are hurting.  My heart is with all of you.:(

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