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Feeling alone all over again


star2000

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My mom meant the world to me. She was 16 when she had me. I was her caregiver for just one month until she passed on October 1st, 2012. I had to go to a group counceling because I still couldn't handle it. Well on the way to it my dad asked me how would I feel if he was to start dating. At first I was devestated because my mom had only been gone a month when he asked. Well I realized that my dad was a grown man and if he wanted to date fine. I was ok with it. Well I even went so far as to help my dad set up an account on a dating site. I didn't realize that due to all of this that I would lose my father as well. He is still alive but I havent had a chance to even get to talk to him much. He met this one lady on the website and was smitten with her instantly. My dad went on 2 dates and was already meeting her son and his family. Well I decided to have her over for Christmas after my dad asked if it would be ok. I went and bought her a gift and cooked for everyone. Well they stayed long enough to eat, watch a childrens Christmas movie with us, unwrap gifts and then was gone. We had bad weather moving in and my dad was worrying about her. I was trying to get in touch with him to borrow his extra generator and he wouldnt answer. My 2 brothers live at home though they are adults. Well since Christmas, He has been over to her home every single day. It is a long trip costing lots of money for him to go, and see her, then he also takes her shopping and out to eat. My dad is just on disability. He is in his early 50's and she is a year older then him. I have nothing against her. My dad already started asking what my kids are going to call her. He is now talking about my brothers getting their own home together. It hurts that we dont exist much anymore. He told my kids on Christmas day that he would get them on Thursday however his time was spent with her. My kids are fine and having fun still with all of their stuff they got for Christmas. My dad is a grown man and can date and whatever but I feel almost like things are moving so fast. My mom will have passed on 3 months on the 1st. I still miss her very much. I didnt mind my dad dating so that he would have someone to talk to and hopefully eventually find someone to spend the rest of his life with. However I didn't expect him to replace us all together. I know I sound like a child throwing a tantrum and not wanting my dad to be happy but that is far from the truth. I lost my mom and now feel like instead of gaining someone else in my life, I am losing my dad. I think he is already planning on moving closer to her and so that is why he is wanting my brothers to find their own home. It is over an hour away so who knows what will happen. I am sorry that this is so long but I had to get this off of my chest because it has been bothering me and hoping that maybe someone out there understands what I am going through.

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ForeverRemembered

star2000,

Been here and done this! My dad told me 2 weeks after my mom past away that he went on a lunch date with an old friend. He has been on several dates with this lady. My mom hated this lady! Because of this, I really don't like the relationship. However, I sat back and let it all play out, and the dates have slowed down. My dad was spending a lot of money fixing up this ladies house! He barely gets by now, and really can't afford to be a Sugar Daddy. I told him to be careful because a lot of these ladies are trying to trade friendship for money. (Felt like I was talking to my 11 year old!) I think he finally caught on and they are still friends, but they don't seem to hang out as much. I confided in a family friend who told me that a lot of older men do not like to be left alone after their wives die. (I already told my husband that he can't remarry should I ever pass away! LOL!) I really like that you say you understand that your dad is a grown man. He deserves to be out there and happy. (However, you and I also have the right to ask, "Does it have to be this soon?") If you are okay with him dating then maybe you need to just tell your dad how you feel. I think he would understand and I bet he doesn't even realize that all his time is consumed by this lady. My dad called me everyday when my mom past away. I loved it! Then one day, he just stopped. I was upset about it for awhile, but I have come to understand that calling me all the time, wasn't him before my mom past away. My mom was the one who called us all the time. I think I actually just came to this conclusion after my kids opened his "unique" Christmas gifts this year. I realized that it was my mom who bought all the cool gifts for the kids. I am not unappreciative. I may sound like that, but I truly am not. I loved them. They were just "unexpected" and "unique" and "not age appropriate". My kids will love them in about...30 years. LOL! Gotta love grandpa! So....instead of waiting for him to call me, I have to pick the phone up and call him everyday. I invite him over for lunch.

I am sorry for your loss of your mom. I lost my mom on September 11, 2012. I miss her so much. She loved Christmas. There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think about her. I will never be the same person that I was 3 months ago. I am trying hard to take things in stride. If I don't, anger will hit me very hard.

You have a valid point in that you want your dad to be happy. But at the same time, you can't lose your dad at the time when you need him the most. Talk to him. I know it will be hard, but I don't think he even realizes that you are feeling the way you are. If you don't talk to him, your feelings could turn to resentment towards this lady friend of his and that won't be good.

Hugs to you sweetie! I know what you are feeling. My heart feels the exact same pain. You are not alone.

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Thank you. My dad and I never was really close. When my mom was alive, my dad drove me insane. We didn't hardly talk at all. Then when my mom passed away we talked every single day. The subjects changed to this new Lady and then they got to where he would just send me a quick message on fb and was gone. My mom had $20 in her purse that she held on to forever. She was bedridden so she couldnt go anywhere and kept trying to get my dad to use it. Well when she passed he decided that he would get the boys one last Christmas gift from my mother. However he didnt even wrap them and left them at his house. It was ok because he said that he was going to take the boys to his house on Thursday and they could get the gift then. That never happened so my kids have no Idea that they have a Christmas gift from their Mammy. Yeah the lady my dad is seeing owns her own home cleaning business. My dad at his church was taught that you date your children and I dont mean kissing and all that that you would do on a normal date. Just a date where you and one child at a time would go do something together: eat out, go to movies, or whatever the child was into. I hated those dates because I felt like they took me away from my kids and I always felt guilty if I was anywhere without my children. That is just because growing up my aunt who is 8 years older then me would have everyone watch her kids and go bar hopping. I took care of her kids most of the time myself. I still don't care if my dad and I go on a date anymore either. I just worry about my brothers more then anything. I am the oldest and only girl in the family. My oldest brother is the only one in the home who works, but he doesn't have his drivers license so now it is up to my youngest brother and I to pick him up when my dad isnt there. That is annoying and we have been on his case about him getting his license. My mom was on his case about getting his license. Then my youngest brother is on disability, he does have license, but he just can't comprehend things that he should. He dropped out of High School, his spelling is awful, he does not know how to write out checks so that is left to the rest of us to do for him. My oldest brother is huge and already having health problems like my mom. I guess in the end I am just worrying mostly about my brothers. What to do about them if my dad does move away. The only one of us who was ever honestly close to our dad was my youngest brother. I appreciate you responding, getting all of the last post off my chest helped me a lot. I am now going to focus on my brothers and make sure that they have food to eat, and help them find a place of their own. I hope that you have a blessed day. I have my vehicle back so my kids and I are going to get out of this house for a little while. Again Thanks for the comment

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Sending you hugs star life just gets so complicated some times doesn't it I have no advice, I wish my Dad had found a lady friend, I think he would still be alive now, I think he just basically pinned away for my Mum granted it took 2 years & ten months but he was miserable the whole time. Something someone said to me was 'do not ruin today worrying about tomorrow' it kind of helped me. take care of yourself star.

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BreathofAngel

Very warm greetings Star2000, First of all I want to express my deepest condolences on the physical passing of your dear Mother. It is hard to cope with that alone I know as well as with what you are speaking about concerning your Dad and his new lady. It is like having to carry and wear two huge iron chains around your neck that weigh you down. But I know that you being an adult understand the pain he must have after losing his wife that he may very well be reaching out for comfort with the new lady without fully realizing that he is causing pain in his own family.

When he goes to see his lady friend as many times as you say he does it could be that he wants for her to know that he truly cares about her and is there for her so that she will not leave. Realizing how difficult it is to find someone in life to share your life with he may be in that frame of mind and perhaps also realizing that you are an adult as well as your brothers he does not immediately ponder the thought of how his new lifestyle could actually be affecting the rest of you.

I have always believed that it is good to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with those whom we love when things are in disarray. It not only helps for them to understand what his loved ones are sensing, feeling, and going through but it also helps to unload the heart of some of the heaviness that it feels. So, it may be good to consider calling him in for a good Dad-Son talk where you can gently speak to him about things and how it has affected you. He may think that all is well and that you are handling things without incident and that is why it may appear that he is not there more for you and your brothers. But once you are able to speak to him about this, not in anger, but with "gentle concern" he may come to realize that there are other issues that need taking care of at home as well.

It is my hope that he will see what is happening to his immediate family, to those who are his own flesh and blood, and how he needs to move to rectify the situation. This does not mean that he has to stop seeing his new lady if he is indeed charmed and delighted by her but that he will find and make quality time to devote to his own children who after all should always come first, before any other relationships, by still being there for them so that they will not feel so estranged especially when their Mother is now gone.

I send you my prayers and blessings that the family can all come together in peace and harmony and be able to get past this in an amicable manner that will be of benefit to all concerned.

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