Hardest thing in my life - losing my father

[Imtheironlygirl]

Never in my mind that a day like this will come. I thought this only happens in movie. December 5th, 2012 is the day which the pain started. It was like any other Wednesdays, I was home with my 10 months old, my cellphone rang, I was busy doing the dishes at the time, so it went to voicemail. When I checked the message 2 minutes later, my father's neighbor called and said that my father fainted. I dropped everything and rushed over, I lived a distance from my father's place, by the time I got to his place, the ambulance and fire trucks were still surrounding the street, my heart sank, I ran inside the condo and found that the paramedic was still trying to revive my father, they had been doing CPR on him for 40 minutes and they couldn't get a heart beat. The polices would not let me go inside. I found out from the neighbor that my father called 911 himself, but by the time the polices got there, he passed out already. After 10 more minutes of attempts, my father was pronounced died. Heart failure is the reason that my father died. I so believed that something more could have to be done, but they said they tried their best. I cried like I never did before in my life, my heart was bleeding with pain, I felt so alone.

My dad and I had been each other's support since my mom developed dementia some years ago. He would come over on weekends to help babysit the kids. Playing with his three grand kids was his pride and joy, especially with my youngest son. He loved him dearly. Nothing would be the same anymore, this Christmas felt so empty for me. The person that knew and understood me the best is now gone forever.

I had no idea how and where I got the strength to get things done. I lost my father on the 5th, buried him on the 19th. I kept myself busy everyday in hoping that I don't have to think about the fact that he is gone. But whenever I slow down and get caught in the moment, that emptiness will fill me up with pain and grief. I know this will reduce with time, but it will for sure stay with me for the rest of my life.

Like many others who posted, I tried to think back in time and wonder if I would be able to do things to help change the situation, what if I took him to see a specialist when he told me he had vertigo instead letting his heart doctor kept putting him on monitoring, what if the paramedic was able to revive him, what if..., all these what if, would it cause him more pain and sufferings? Or is this a better ending for him? I will never find the answer to that, but one thing i know for sure and will feel bad for the rest of my life is that I didn't get to say good bye, a lot of things were left unsaid since he left this world so suddenly and unexpectedly. I am coping with it the best I can, I know there is no easy way out, but is there ways to tune down the pain? I'm having a hard time going through his things the past few days. I can't stand seeing his items without tearing.

I wish that you can still hear me when I talk to you. I will try to be strong for mom and your three grand kids. Don't worry about us! Rest in peace, my old friend. You were always there for me and support me even when I was wrong. No one will spoiled me the way you did, never again. I miss you and I love you.

[RobbG]

There is nothing you could have done to stop what happened. Guilt is a nonsensical but normal reaction. Three weeks before my Dad's death he had an appointment with the cardiologist. I went to all his appts with him because my Dad tended to just give blanket answers like "everything is fine". I wanted to make sure everything was indeed okay. His cardio gave him a glowing review. He was healthy and his heart was strong. Three weeks later he died in his sleep of cardiac arrest.

My Dad lived with us, not because of any health issues but because my parents got divorced late in life and my wife and I couldn't imagine him anywhere else but with us. We were trying to start our family and my Dad wanted grandkids so bad. He figured he'd retire and be a full-time nanny. He would have been great, he was awesome with kids.

I find it hard to reconcile how such a strong, healthy man died so suddenly, so unexpectedly of something that was given a clean bill of health. At first I was angry at his cardiologist but I saw his results just like he did, he seemed healthy. His spirits were high, there were no warning signs. I guess things like this just happen.

It's the worst thing to ever happen to me and I lost my brother when I was 11. My Dad was my guiding light, a mentor, a friend, and the best man at my wedding. I loved that man more than life itself.

A long time ago my Dad tried to have the death talk with me. All I would let him get out (because it upset me) was that he didn't want a funeral or to be put on some mantle and he didn't want to die in a hospital. He died in his own bed, in a home where he was loved. It hurts me because I found him and tried to revive him. But I take a small comfort in the fact that he didn't suffer and he died the way he wanted.

Take some solace that your Dad is not in pain, not suffering and never will have to. It sucks not being able to say goodbye or any of the other things we would love to say if we knew our or someone else's time was up. It nags at me constantly.

I cry a lot, I get mad a lot. Sometimes I feel nothing, empty. I see reminders of him in everything and it hurts. Talking about it helps a bit, but nothing makes the pain go away completely except time (or so I'm told by EVERYBODY!!!). I see a grief counselor with my wife and I'm starting to take anti-depressants. Maybe you could research that, it might help you.

You had a wonderful relationship with your Dad (as did I) and we should feel lucky. Not too many people get to say that, but we can. We were loved by and we loved great fathers. I'm not a spiritual guy but I truly, sincerely hope your father can hear you and is watching out for you. You are not alone in this, not by a long shot.

[Imtheironlygirl]

I read a few of the postings last night, I am not alone, I know, a lot of you lost love ones like I did, the missing, the loving, the hurting pour in like waves, but we still have to live day by day, waking up to the same reality. Part of you is gone with the dead. And it will never recovered like it was before. I am grateful that my father did not have to suffer before he died. But this kind of sudden death left a lot of things undone, unsaid, there is no closure on our parts, we just have to accept that "it is time", they said that the good ones die young, may be, living is hard, we have to take the good and the bad, there are pain and suffering, life and death, happiness and sadness, It all mixed in this thing called "life", and it's tough.

RobbG, I read your posting last night too, your father knows that he is loved. The fact that you and your wife took him in meant a lot for him. He was surrounded with all your love in that house when he passed. Not in a cold hard hospital bed. He was a lucky man in a way. Your father is some what like mine, he never want to burden anyone with his problems. He dealt with things on his own a lot. And he chose the quiet way to go. Looking back now, I sometimes see signs that this was coming, but ignored them. I believed that my dad would live until his old old days, never at 69.

Talking about the fact sure helps a bit. But just have to find the right person. I can not get the same comfort talking with my husband since both of his parents are living. He does not get what I am going through, he knows I am hurting, but it is hard for him to even imagine what exactly I am going through everyday. I don't blame him, I was like that years ago, a close friend told me about the death of her mother. Things do not sink in unless it is happening to you. Your viewing changes when it is you that go through with it. I do talk with air a lot when no one is around, in a way I am talking with my dad, hoping he can hear me. I dreamt of him two days after his burial, he was younger than the time he passed, I hugged him and kissed him, was just plain happy that he was okay, but he felt distanced, like he was not sure who I am, I remembered in my dream I was holding his hand and walking up a small grassy hill, I wonder if anyone else have similar dreams and can tell me what it meant...

I am coping with it everyday, and I found it hard falling asleep at night and waking up in the morning, like it's a dream that goes on and on...