Someone please tell me how I am suppose to rebuild 26 years!

[Aimee]

I have been to the grief groups, I have read many books about how to deal with grief, I have spoken to "professionals," I have taken the medication as directed and NOT one of those things can tell me how I am suppose to rebuild 26 years of love, struggle, hope, sadness, and happiness. How I am I to move forward when my whole life has crumbled in a split second? How am I to get through this intense feeling of emptiness.

My Charlie and I met 26 years ago on the boardwalks of Sea Side, NJ. Niether of us expected to fall in love and build a family. He sacrifced so much for me, and I for him. We made promises, we fought, we loved, we worked it out. I will never find a person so willing and unselfish that will even compare to my Charlie. Man or woman. We made it against all odds. So many of our family and friends said it wouldn't last. But we fooled them.

Now, I sit here, alone. I have no idea what to do next. I move from day to day, from task to task on auto-pilot. I plan memorials and make memory boxes so what... so I can cry everytime I think of him... so I can feel empty and lost without him?

It took us 26 years to build our family, to build our home.... now what... I don't have the strength nor the desire to re-build. OK so maybe I am feeling a little sorry for myself right now and I know there are so many other people struggling with their own pain... but I truly would love for someone to tell me how and when this suffering will end...

[ModKonnie]

Aimee,

I wish I could tell you "do this and things will be perfect again," but .... You rebuild your life and move forward one day at a time, a little here, a little there. "Just for today," is a phrase addicts use to fight against relapse. Although I am not an addict (I am an addictions counselor), I apply it to my everyday life when I am in a serious struggle or am facing crises. It seems to work for me.

At some point, you will begin to find relief from the overwhelming pain of your loss. Are you working? What does your daily walk through life look like?

I am sure others will offer their thoughts to you, and just know that we are here with you in this.

ModKonnie

[Aimee]

Thank you MK.

I am a full time high school English teacher. I thank God every day I walk into the classroom, for the students help keep my mind moving forward. Always another goal, another unit. Not one day is the same.

I spend time with my children each night while we discuss our days and talk about tomorrows. The kids keep me smiling.

I spend about a half hour each day journaling the little things... my struggles with the death, my walk with Jesus, my confusion of where I would like to be as opposed to where I am...

I carry out all the necessary things that life requires... each day, I do try to find some joy. But most days, especially the weekends, I spend locked up in the house, going out only to do the food shopping or yardwork. The weekends are spent between laundry, cleaning, and sleeping.

I can't get up on a Saturday without the image of my Charlie sitting on the couch... cold and alone. I found him sitting so still, so quiet... He wasn't suppose to leave me... he wasn't suppose to die. He deserved more time.... he worked so hard for his family. He loved us in his own way. I will never forget that morning.

I thank you for giving me the mantra. I will try and apply it in my daily routine... I know this is an uphill climb that no one should do alone... thank you for listening (reading)

Aimee