Members keiko Posted December 10, 2012 Members Report Share Posted December 10, 2012 My dad passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on Sunday, 11/11/12. Now almost a month later I think some of the initial shock is finally subsiding and reality is starting to set in. His funeral hasn't happened yet and will be happening this Saturday. I've been having some major anxiety set in as the funeral becomes closer and closer since the funeral will make it all become real. It feels like I'm some stuck in some alternate universe, somewhere between two realites. No matter how much I tell myself that my dad is now dead, there still seems to be a disconnect in my heart. I also cannot help but feel so much guilt for not being there for my dad more. He lived alone at 83 and had no real major health problems aside from early-mid stages of dimentia. Although I visited him every month to two months, I feel like I should've done more even though I know at the time I did all I could while balancing my own life and responsibilites. I was already planning to move there in the next 6 months to a year to take care of him as I could the dimentia progressing on each of my visits. I last visited him in late September and was about to go see him again in another week before he passed way. I had tried to convince my dad to move in with me, but it was my dad's greatest desire to remain in his home even though he knew it meant living alone until I could relocate to be with him. I am also feeling a tremendous amount of anger right now particularly with my friends and some family members. Most of my friends having even bother to call once or even call to find out to see how I'm doing or if I need help with anything. On top of that, my partner, has been inconsistent in his support towards me. When my father first passed, he was the most supportive person and was there for me around the clock for about a week. Then it was like my time was up and I was suppose to be okay. He has even invalidated the way I feel and has even criticized the way I am grieiving even though I have shouted from the rooftops that there is no "right" way to grieve, we all handle it differently. Clearly this is putting a huge question mark on this partnership as I wonder what is the point - I'd rather be alone in my grief instead of being with an unsupportive partner that is really not making my grief any easier. Just this morning I mentioned wanting to go look for shoes after work to wear to my father's funeral and was met with an attitude of well I'm not going shopping after work! I'm not going shopping because I simply want to, but because I'd like a nice pair of shoes to wear to my father's funeral. I guess in this process it sucks that you have to also evaluate the relationships that do exist in your life. It just makes you wonder and makes me miss my dad so much more. Although we had our differences, I know that he was the ONLY man I could ever count on. I love you so much, Dad, and I'm so thankful for everything you've done for me. Miss you more everyday!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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