Guilt and Anger....

[keiko]

My dad passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on Sunday, 11/11/12. Now almost a month later I think some of the initial shock is finally subsiding and reality is starting to set in. His funeral hasn't happened yet and will be happening this Saturday. I've been having some major anxiety set in as the funeral becomes closer and closer since the funeral will make it all become real. It feels like I'm some stuck in some alternate universe, somewhere between two realites. No matter how much I tell myself that my dad is now dead, there still seems to be a disconnect in my heart.

I also cannot help but feel so much guilt for not being there for my dad more. He lived alone at 83 and had no real major health problems aside from early-mid stages of dimentia. Although I visited him every month to two months, I feel like I should've done more even though I know at the time I did all I could while balancing my own life and responsibilites. I was already planning to move there in the next 6 months to a year to take care of him as I could the dimentia progressing on each of my visits. I last visited him in late September and was about to go see him again in another week before he passed way. I had tried to convince my dad to move in with me, but it was my dad's greatest desire to remain in his home even though he knew it meant living alone until I could relocate to be with him.

I am also feeling a tremendous amount of anger right now particularly with my friends and some family members. Most of my friends having even bother to call once or even call to find out to see how I'm doing or if I need help with anything. On top of that, my partner, has been inconsistent in his support towards me. When my father first passed, he was the most supportive person and was there for me around the clock for about a week. Then it was like my time was up and I was suppose to be okay. He has even invalidated the way I feel and has even criticized the way I am grieiving even though I have shouted from the rooftops that there is no "right" way to grieve, we all handle it differently. Clearly this is putting a huge question mark on this partnership as I wonder what is the point - I'd rather be alone in my grief instead of being with an unsupportive partner that is really not making my grief any easier. Just this morning I mentioned wanting to go look for shoes after work to wear to my father's funeral and was met with an attitude of well I'm not going shopping after work! I'm not going shopping because I simply want to, but because I'd like a nice pair of shoes to wear to my father's funeral. I guess in this process it sucks that you have to also evaluate the relationships that do exist in your life. It just makes you wonder and makes me miss my dad so much more. Although we had our differences, I know that he was the ONLY man I could ever count on. I love you so much, Dad, and I'm so thankful for everything you've done for me. Miss you more everyday!!!!

[Peanuts mom]

Keiko,

I am finding myself on the same carnival ride as you when it comes to my husband... He too was so very supportive for the first week or two, but now he is so back and forth with wanting to support me to screaming at me that he wants his wife back, the one he married... I tried a million times over to explain to him that after losing my son (only child) 3 and a half short months ago that i will never be the same person again... He too shouts when I ask to do something, "why does he have to be about Peanut, why cant you just want to do it"... This ranges from handing out trick or treat candy, to having people over to make ornaments in honor of my son, to working over time so that I can pay for the cemetary plot next to my son for when its my time... I explain how everything in life now reminds me of my Peanut but he simply doesnt understand or doesnt care to, im not sure which at this point... If you find some way to "cope" with these behaviors please share with me because I am honestly at my wits end... I truely feel like im going to wind up in the phych unit because of him....

[GriefandSympathy]

Dear Keiko

I feel for you. I lost my father about 18 months ago but with him, it was totally sudden. But I can relate to the guilt you feel. However, you say that your father's greatest desire was to stay in his own home. So you should be thankful that he was able to do that. It would have been much worse if he had gone on to suffer worse dementia symptoms, and get to a stage where you wouldn't have been able to cope.

Remember him as he was, happy in his own home where he wanted to be. You did your best, which all any of us can ever do.

You are still in the early stages of shock, and the emotions of grief can be a roller coaster ride. You partner may not have ever experienced grief and so cannot understand what you are going through. Alternatively, he may also be grieving, but be unable to express it. He is probably also frustrated that he feels helpless and doesn't know how to help you.

Often friends are frightened of contacting you after a bereavement. Many people just don't know what to say or do. Don't be angry with them. Ring them and tell them how you are feeling. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Ask a best friend to meet you for coffee or a drink.

Much of the advice I'm giving you I learned from my mother, who has written a website about coping with grief. Have a look at a few pages, perhaps the ones on the emotions of grief might help. I hope so.

http://www.griefandsympathy.com/howtodealwithgrief.html

[kaycee42]

The best advice I was given recently was do not make any big decisions whilst grieving. I used this advice when I was disappointed with my husbands lack of support, I could have easily left my marriage at one point but now I know I would have regretted it, give yourself time you need it.

[keiko]

Thank you for all the replies and great advice...it means a lot to me right now.

[RobbG]

I lost my Dad suddenly in November. I feel a tremendous amount of anger but it's kind of directionless. Sometimes I am angry at friends for not checking on me. At work when a person's loved one passes they send out a condolence email so everyone is apprised of the situation and can act appropriately around the person. They didn't do that for me and I was out a month. Most people thought I just took a vacation, some people knew but a lot just acted like I was just having a normal day. So I was pissed at work and my workmates, I felt disrespected and unimportant.

I'm just angry at life for dealing me this hand. My dad was my rock, my best friend and an amazing person. Just knowing I will never see or hear him again angers me to no end.

My family is of little help, my mother is in her own world. My parents were divorced almost a year before this happened. I sided with my father because my mother is a little crazy and treated him like crap. My other relatives just got around a month later to sending condolence cards along with their stupidly posed X-Mas HAPPY HOLIDAYS cards. Like that's what I want to see, your smiling joyful faces while I'm in pain and not bothering with the holidays at all.

My Aunt, my Dad's sister, wouldn't come to the memorial because there was not going to be a mass. This was after she said she would respect my father's wishes. Then it was "it would be a waste of money to fly down for a two hour lunch". She didn't even bother to tell me, I had to find out the day of the memorial she wasn't coming. How about supporting your family, to support you nephew while he eulogized the man he idolized and loved. I've never been one to wish harm on others but I swear I have wished some nasty things on her in the past few weeks.

Anger is part of this I guess.

[widower2]

I also cannot help but feel so much guilt for not being there for my dad more.

Guilt is extremely common. It sounds like you did all you realistically could, including regular visits and even offered him to move in and he chose otherwise. That's more than a LOT of kids can say. Be fair to yourself!

I am also feeling a tremendous amount of anger right now particularly with my friends and some family members. Most of my friends having even bother to call once or even call to find out to see how I'm doing or if I need help with anything

This is also very common. Same happened to me. It's not you. Most people suck at dealing with someone else's loss, frankly.

On top of that, my partner, has been inconsistent in his support towards me. When my father first passed, he was the most supportive person and was there for me around the clock for about a week. Then it was like my time was up and I was suppose to be okay. He has even invalidated the way I feel and has even criticized the way I am grieiving even though I have shouted from the rooftops that there is no "right" way to grieve, we all handle it differently.

Exactly. How grossly insensitive of him. Maybe it is time to re-evaluate that relationship - but maybe not, I can't say and not suggesting anything either way. Again, most people are so ignorant about this and don't "get it" at all. Maybe you should find some articles online (most say about the same thing eg there is no right/wrong way to deal with this, it takes a LOT of time etc etc) and show them to him so the light might come on-? Either way, best of luck to you and again give yourself whatever time you need......