Lost everyone and everything

[Giaswifey9]

Hello my name is Ashley and I am new to this site. I figured I needed to talk with people who would actually listen. Here is my story(shortened up). I was abused my entire life from many people in everyway possible.Two of those people were my parents. I raised my siblings since I was 5 1/2 yrs old after my parents divorced and my mom remarried to some horrible guy. He abused me in everyway imaginable. When I was 10, I lost my grandma to cancer. She was such a wonderful woman with a big heart and my savior. Her smile would make you smile and she was my protector. I am still not over it to this day and it will be 13 years in August. When I was 14 and 15, I became pregnant(not by will) and I had two beautiful baby girls. By 16,I was raising 5 kids. Also at 16, I lost my cousin to a drunk driver. He drove off and we still don't know who killed her. My cousin was like my big sister. The day I found out, I was never the same. I still am not. I miss her so much.When I was 17, I moved out and went to live with my dad because the abuse became so unbearable. Well, my dad is an alcoholic and drug addict and was abusive as well. When, I was 19 I had a beautiful baby boy named Liam. Liam was born too early and only lived for 13 days. The day I lost him, my world came crashing. I held him as he passed away and didn't even want to get out of bed anymore,but I had too. I had kids to raise and I couldn't let this kill me. It does kill me though, in other ways. It kills me from the inside out. I try to keep a smile on my face and not talk about it because everyone hates when i discuss it. Recently,because of living in an abusive home, I got my 2 biological kids taken away from me(the 3 other kids were taken when I was 17 by my mother to Florida and she won't let me have contact with them). They were taken away because I was living in an abusive home with drugs and it wasn't safe for my kids. I know it wasn't safe,but I didn't have anywhere else to go. 3 months later, I got kicked out then lost my job and car and was just trying to make it by. My wife and I(yes wife) now live with my in-laws. I recently cut every abusive person out of my life and because I did that,most of my family didn't want anything to do with me and the other family I have now wants nothing to do with me because I married my wife and they're against it. My wife is all I have. I can't stand my mother in law at all.(FIL is great though) and I think that really adds on to my depression and anger and hurt. I just don't know what to do. I know this site is for people who lost people in death,but I didnt know where else to go. I am still mourning over my grandma,my cousin and Liam and mourning the loss of my girls and family now too. I feel so empty. I am angry, hurt, lost and just want to feel alive again. I just needed someone to talk to. I hope everyone doesn't mind. Does anyone have any healing advice? I'd go to therapy and get on meds but I can't afford it. Is anyone nice enough to just...help me? I guess I don't grieve well and it could be because I wear my heart on my sleeve or because I am just an emotional woman or I take things to heart hard. I don't know.Sorry I am crying and I am just all mixed up now. Advice please? A shoulder to just have someone listen? I don't have any friends nor do I have any family really. I just have my wife and I think she gets sick of hearing me talk about this because we are going through a lot(not just this but incurable health problems for both of us and economical problems) I hate feeling like I am a burden but I just thought maybe coming on here, I could find someone kind enough to listen or give me advice. Thanks. Hope everyone has a good night

[Silvergirl61]

I'm not sure what advice to give you, that would help, but you are making a start, by coming here, to find someone to talk to. Try the chat forum. There are a lot of caring people who come here, and although everyone has different ways of dealing with all the emotions we are experiencing, there are some common bonds, that make it easier to understand each other.

I am sorry to hear about all the pain and trauma you have been going through, and how alone it makes you feel. I will tell you that there are places you can go for help and counseling that would allow you to seek that kind of help, if you do want to try it. Check with your local Human services, or a local hospital, to see if they can give you contact info.

But you do have a place here- grief doesn't always follow a convenient timeline. I hope you will find some comfort here, like so many of us have. Sometimes, reading other peoples stories and experiences helps, especially those who are farther along in their journey,when they come back to share what helped them.

Welcome to the group, and I hope you will find the peace you seek.