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9 months... have made it through the birthdays, anniversary, Thanksgiving, but Christmas...


Aimee

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It has been nine months since Charlie died. Not a moment passes that I don't think about him. I have been finding ways to honor him: having a quilt made of his Giants and Yankees t-shirts; making a dvd of photos and music; donating his clothing to Hurricane Sandy survivors in SeaSide NJ (that's where we met); and other little things. My friends tell me they admire my strength. What I want to tell them: I am NOT strong! I cry each day. I sleep only because my body can't function without it. Each day I am on auto pilot. I get up, go to work, come home. I spent every "first" on my knees praying. It seems like it will never stop hurting.

Christmas is going to be the hardest. We always went shopping for the kids, we always argued about the amount of "things" he wanted to get them, we always stayed up late to wrap all the presents and place them under the tree.... these things will never be the same... I don't want the "new normal," I want the old one back.

How are you coping? What are you doing to ease the pain?

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Hi Aimee, I'm so sorry. This is one of the hardest times of year for sure. My situation is/was rather unique (prefer not to get into a lot of detail) but it's been over a year for me...I have been keeping a journal (trailing off it lately though), saw a grief counselor (big help for me even though she "disappeared" eventually), even have been on anti-depressants part of the time (somewhat helpful but no magic pill for sure). I cried every day for a long time and I'm no cryer (not a macho thing just not me). I would say consider counseling, try to keep busy, and remember this takes time and lots of it. Hopefully family and friends are/will help you more than they did me, frankly. Hang in there and there is of course this place as well.

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Thank you widower2. I, too, am sorry for the loss of your loved one. I am seeing a counselor, and going to grief group, as well as journaling... I am doing everything everyone suggests... you are right, there is no magic pill. It just seems that this sadness will never end. It seems I might never be able to 'move on' or 'move forward' or, or... all those sayings are just so cliche.

I hope to be able to adjust. I pray that I will be able to be strong for our kids. Still feel so empty. So alone.

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I hadn't spent holidays yet with my boyfriend who I lost since we were rather new, so I cannot relate, but I am approaching a monumental date next weekend- the date I was supposed to move across the country and live with him. The past few months I had been preparing to move, packing, job interviews... So this is feeling extremely rough that I'm still at the same job, although moving out of my apartment to live with my sister helps me feel a little movement from the stagnant life I had prepared to shift.

I'm so sorry you have to experience pain and sorrow on these upcoming holidays. On thanksgiving I was sad as I have continuously been but I also felt incredibly grateful for my family and friends and his friends who have shown me support along the way. Without them I would not have chosen to live on.

Ways I have been coping:

-Crying

-Talking about him

-Pictures and videos to bring up memories

-texts and emails to remind myself he knew how much I loved him

-Memories (usually paired with crying!)

- listening to music (+crying lol)

- writing music

- writing in a journal every night before sleep

- being surrounded by friends

- Children!! As a teacher, the innocent joy I see in my students removes fear and stress and anger and brings me to their present moment, carefree, and having fun!

- spending time with his friends keeps his spirit alive and strong. And I know they have a different hurt but probably as deep.

- this website, talking to people who have very similar stories especially helps me see I'm not alone and I'm not crazy and that perhaps things will eventually become easier.

How do you cope?

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Helpheartsheal

So sorry to hear about your loss.

Just wanted to say that whatever you do dont forget to talk about the person that you lost with your family and friends. Its so important to remember them and to have good memories..it does make it easier to cope. I made the mistake of not talking to anybody about my Dad after he died, and ended up being diagnosed with depression. Dont make the same mistake...dont hide away, people will understand when your upset and people WILL be there to comfort you. Look at pictures, videos, anthing you have to remember the person by.

Also, a good tip I learnt whilst studying psychology is to write a letter to your loved one. You can write it then tear it up if you really want to...but its so theraputic to do this. I do it alot around the special days in the year...my dads birthday, anniversary etc.

If you believe in mediums then PLEASE go and see one...as long as you have an open mind. It helped me so much to get over the loss of my father, and really helped me moving on from my depression.

Hope I have helped a little bit...please try my tips xx

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Thank you widower2. I, too, am sorry for the loss of your loved one. I am seeing a counselor, and going to grief group, as well as journaling... I am doing everything everyone suggests... you are right, there is no magic pill. It just seems that this sadness will never end. It seems I might never be able to 'move on' or 'move forward' or, or... all those sayings are just so cliche.

I hope to be able to adjust. I pray that I will be able to be strong for our kids. Still feel so empty. So alone.

Thanks very much. I think you're doing everything you can and I can understand feeling it will never end, but I feel strongly that sooner or later, and ever so gradually, things will improve. And while having kids makes it much harder in some ways, be glad that you have them ie if you think of it, you are not truly alone, though it's very understandable when you feel that way, and that they will if nothing else "force" you to keep going, even when you don't feel like it. Hang in there.
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Yadairaisabel

Aimee I'm very sorry for your loss. Tomorrow at 1:30 am will be three weeks that my hubby passed away. When it comes to coping well I'm trying to but I haven't really gotten there just yet. Thanksgiving was hard but with the help of our family I made it thru. The next few months will be the hardest dec 16 my bday he was always so sweet last year he got me 2 doz red roses a giant cookie that said happy birthday yari I love you and got all dressed up for me he was the best. Christmas will kill me this year and he had planned this great New Year's Eve party for our family and friends he loved to entertain and loved to see a smile on our faces.

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Aimee I'm very sorry for your loss. Tomorrow at 1:30 am will be three weeks that my hubby passed away. When it comes to coping well I'm trying to but I haven't really gotten there just yet. Thanksgiving was hard but with the help of our family I made it thru. The next few months will be the hardest dec 16 my bday he was always so sweet last year he got me 2 doz red roses a giant cookie that said happy birthday yari I love you and got all dressed up for me he was the best. Christmas will kill me this year and he had planned this great New Year's Eve party for our family and friends he loved to entertain and loved to see a smile on our faces.

Yari... birthdays are not easy... I spent mine in my room as well as our anniversary and his birthday... Christmas will be the hardest to get through. I am so sorry that your pain is so new. I am praying for your peace now and throughout the holidays.

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Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers and suggestions. I will have to keep the faith and continue doing what I am doing... things will get easier... never better.... only easier.

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