When Reality Hits

[Mdanielson4]

When Reality hits

I wake up in the morning and turn over to find an empty spot where Mary use to be. It is like a slap In the face from reality. Get out of the nice warm bed into the cold world that is awaiting just to find out my whole life is changed to being alone and uncomfortable. I make a pot of coffee then take the dog outside to start the day. I come back in and realize it is the weekend. If Mary was still alive we would be going shopping and smile, and joke around we would have fun. Now I sit by the phone and wait and pray it rings from one of my newfound friends. If I’m lucky she will call we will cry and talk for a while until it is time to let her go start her day. Then I look around and figure out how sad my life really is. Is this a way to live? I take the pills that the Dr. told me it would make me be able to cope. I think ok if I go to bed I don’t have to deal with reality and I can slip away to only wake up again to realize she is gone all over again. How sad is that!!!

Mike

[Yadairaisabel]

Mike I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm not sure if reality has hit me yet. I wait for chuck to get home everyday. I look at my phone to see if he has txt or called me. I too just rather stay in bed if it weren't for our kids I don't think I would ever get up.

[kendi]

Not sure exactly how to say it other than reality sucks. I try my best to come back to reality, but I like my dream world where Kenny is away visiting his mom. I went to the Doctor the other day because had a headache for over a month that would not give in. My blood pressure was 140/90 which was caused by stress and tension. Doctor asked if I was under any stress, I told if I start telling her what I have been through then we would be there all day long, I wake up my sheets and pillows are off the bed, I can't sleep when I do it is so rough I it feels like I had none..Kenny has been gone almost 4 months now and it only seems like yesterday. I wish I knew the right words to help you Mike, Just don't know myself.May God be with you!! Take care

[mgilbertson]

Reality has hit us and thats why everything feels so painful ! I'm feeling so sad right now and just wish I could be with my husband Scott. I can't stand the way I feel all the time and after three months I feel it hurts worse than ever. This holiday stuff sucks an I wish I could just crawl into bed and sleep through it all. Thank God my kids are grown and don't need me to care for them because I don't think I could. When will my heart stop aching and my tears stop flowing? I miss him so much and feel so empty right now.

[Mdanielson4]

I truly wish I had the answers to making us feel better. The emptiness, the pain and agony of being alone without our loved ones is just about more than I can handle. It is on my mind constantly and there is no relief in sight. I often wonder how a broken heart can hurt this much without taking my life. I never imagined the pain, but then again I never could imagine being alone! Reality truly sucks with this pain and heartache. I wish my prayers could have been answered before she died. I asked God to take me instead of her. She was so much more deserving to be here with her kids and grandkids. I don’t think I can live up to taking care of things like she would have wanted. I miss her so!!!

Mike

[mgilbertson]

Ditto Mike!!!!! The pain feels worse and worse as the days go bye it seems. I'm sure our spouses would want us to try to find some happiness in life sometimes, but I guess it just to soon for us because I'm not finding much either. The holidays are sucking the life out of us which makes it even harder. I just feel like a big ball of sadness everyday and wonder how long it can go on. Hopefully one day we find 'Happy in the crappy!' Well at least on this site it's more the norm than not so I don't think any of us are crazy just grieving people who have lost our everything. Try to keep your heads up and keep praying for some peace in your life.

Take care everyone,

Marti

[Caremal]

I have to say I been alone for 7 months now. Somedays are easier then others I am doing ok today - a week ago I was not. Everyday is different for me and the easier ones are when I am busy. I try to keep busy most days and that helps me. I have friends who have also lost special people in their lives so we gather and talk about that. I agree is SUCKS - our lives are changed forever. We wanted them to live as long as we do and be healthy the entire time. Not what we got in our lives when they got sick and died on us. I felt like he left me, even though he was sick for many many months. I wanted him to get better and get up and walk and help me do things that i had a hard time to do. My heart has not cought up with my brain that said he could not and would not get better and would not make it. When he went to the hospital for the last time I knew he would not come home and so did he. We cried and I still am 7 months later. Thanks for listening

[Silvergirl61]

My dream last night was so wonderful, but I woke up. I have cried so much today. Maybe it's just cause I'm sick, that I feel so sad and sorry for myself..but somehow, I doubt it.

You're right. We all wanted it to be forever. Getting older wasn't so bad and scary, if I had my best friend right beside me. I could take the disappointments at work, the messed up schedules, the long hours, the worn out tiredness, and feel like it was somehow worth it, if it kept us together, in our own home, and with food to eat, and lights and heat.

Now I just don't care anymore. There doesn't seem to be any meaning left in trying to swallow the crap, and struggle through another winter of reduced hours, and creditors, and horrible medical bills,and struggling to find some part time work to help fill in, to keep a job that will just turn around and do it all over again next year, and freeze raises,and hiring, and transfers, while prices keep going up on insurance and utilities, and groceries. My kids are grown, he isn't here to worry about, and I don't even want to wake up anymore, I just want to keep dreaming........because here in the real world, there is nothing left of all the work, and no bright outlook can make any of this less real.

What's reality, is that I can't afford to put tires on the car, so that I can safely drive on these old country roads, late at night in a snowy bad winter, with no one to even look for me, until I don't show up for work another day. The sad truth is, in three months, none of my so called friends even came by to see if I was here. They didn't pick up a phone to call. Only my family came by, and my daughter's friends. Now that I went back to work, I no longer feel like I belong there. It doesn't feel like one person in that building was ever someone I knew. It makes no sense, but i just can't do it, and worse yet, I have absolutely no remorse over leaving a job that used to be so important to me.

I have truly gone completely nuts.

[mgilbertson]

Dear Silvergirl61,

I'm sorry your feeling so alone and so much pain. I wish I had some magic words that would ease it all but you will be in my thoughts and prayers today an everyday.

Tight Hug, Marti

[Mdanielson4]

My dream last night was so wonderful, but I woke up. I have cried so much today. Maybe it's just cause I'm sick, that I feel so sad and sorry for myself..but somehow, I doubt it.

You're right. We all wanted it to be forever. Getting older wasn't so bad and scary, if I had my best friend right beside me. I could take the disappointments at work, the messed up schedules, the long hours, the worn out tiredness, and feel like it was somehow worth it, if it kept us together, in our own home, and with food to eat, and lights and heat.

Now I just don't care anymore. There doesn't seem to be any meaning left in trying to swallow the crap, and struggle through another winter of reduced hours, and creditors, and horrible medical bills,and struggling to find some part time work to help fill in, to keep a job that will just turn around and do it all over again next year, and freeze raises,and hiring, and transfers, while prices keep going up on insurance and utilities, and groceries. My kids are grown, he isn't here to worry about, and I don't even want to wake up anymore, I just want to keep dreaming........because here in the real world, there is nothing left of all the work, and no bright outlook can make any of this less real.

What's reality, is that I can't afford to put tires on the car, so that I can safely drive on these old country roads, late at night in a snowy bad winter, with no one to even look for me, until I don't show up for work another day. The sad truth is, in three months, none of my so called friends even came by to see if I was here. They didn't pick up a phone to call. Only my family came by, and my daughter's friends. Now that I went back to work, I no longer feel like I belong there. It doesn't feel like one person in that building was ever someone I knew. It makes no sense, but i just can't do it, and worse yet, I have absolutely no remorse over leaving a job that used to be so important to me.

I have truly gone completely nuts.

Silvergirl,

I have no doubt it is hard to believe that anyone can feel the same pain you are going through, but reality is, I felt like when reading what you wrote it was my story too. I wish we had a time machine so we could go back. I would also want the cure for the horrible disease that took my love away. These are things I can dream about but I cannot bring to reality. My new life sucks, I’m alone and broken. I have no way to function properly because everything that use to be normal is gone. School doesn’t mean the same, my job seems like it is torcher I have worked hand in hand with Hospice and Home health for Medical Equipment for over 20 years so I relive my wife’s death every day. I also have to deliver chemo to the Cancer center at least 3 times a week. I cringe every time I walk through the door. I wish I could change it for all of us but how can we change this Hell we have stumbled upon? Hugs to you all

Mike

[Silvergirl61]

Not feeling quite so hopeless today. Went to sleep, woke up feeling a bit better, and tried to keep busier today. Just have two weeks left at the job..and hopefully, will find something else to do soon.

Not the best time to make life altering changes, I know. However, as raw as my feelings are, and as emotional as I have been, I can't afford the stress, either I do have a little pride left, and refuse to become one of those downtrodden older women that get bullied around all day long by a bunch of kids half my age. It isn't the first time I've had to start all over, so I guess I'll be fine. Tomorrow may bring an answer to the problem that I didn't see today.

Let them find someone else with my skills, and the temperment to let them use those skills to train people who don't deserve the promotion. Better yet, let management do the training. It's what they get paid for. I took a demotion to lessen my responsibilities, not just my pay. I won't be making the great philanthropists list this year, I guess. I'd like to find something to do that matters, for a change.

[mgilbertson]

Silvergirl,

I'm glad you felt better today and hopefully do have better days as time goes on. I've been thinking about you today so thanks for posting.

Hugs, Marti