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It's been five months now


ElemmireAnini

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ElemmireAnini

Yesterday marked five months without him. While I find reasons to live on and be happy I am still racked with the pain of losing him. I feel angry about the suicide. I feel guilty for trying to leave him in the first place. I feel shame when I have a good day. I feel alone and scared. I want these bad feelings to go away. I just want to be free. But freedom always costs something. I asked Gordon for my freedom from him, he kinda gave it. I am no longer in that abusive relationship. I am free from that pain. But he saddled me with more burden than I had ever imagined was possible. I would have never asked for my freedom if I knew how bad this could be. I often ask myself if it was worth it.

I want to feel love and give love. But it seems impossible. I can't get Gordon out of my mind yet. I still want him back. I look at the pictures of us and just wish I had more. I hold on so tightly to my good memories of him trying to erase the bad ones. I want him to say he's sorry and come back to me.

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I’m so sorry for the pain you are feeling, I wish I could give you some good advice but I’m not sure what to tell you. I have emotions that continue to catch me off guard and they seem to be getting worse. I do believe we all have a different clock when it comes to grief, I don’t think there is anyone that can tell us what date we will feel better. The thing we all have in common is the pain. How we all deal with it seems to be different. What works for one may not do anything for another? Have you met with a councilor? I have no idea if it would help you like I said everyone is different. It will be 5 months for me this week on the 16th. I wish you the best! I pray it gets better for you.

Mike

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Dear Ele - the circumstances surrounding your loss sound particularly painful. I know it has been four months for me now and i get starts and stops of emotions. I see a counselor and these forums provide more support than I could ever have imagined. Please post again to let us know how you are doing Ele. God Bless You, Val

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