Loss of a Sibling

[raeoflight]

Dear Oreo32,

dear oreo you sound alot like me right down to the tatoo, i have lost my only two siblings,my sisters and now find myself alone at only 34 years old.i got a tatoo of two angels holding my heart , with sisters on it . i love as well to do music and photo compelations to remember them.i find it hard to get through the greif as it was my younger sister who was my strengh when my older sister died when we were 10/9. as well it was sudden and unexpected. i feel your pain and i send mt thoughts ty rae

I lost my little brother 10 months ago. He passed away on Sept. 2nd of 2004. His 24th birthday would've been on November 12th. On his birthday, I got his name tatooed on my back with the letters RIP along with an angel and the words, you're our angel. It's somthing a bit drastic, but I feel that he's always with me. I hope you come up with a good idea tohonor your brother.

[raeoflight]

hi to all that are here, this site has given me the chance to see im not all alonein my greiving.i have suffered the loss of two siblings,my older sister bonita in 1980 from a car accident(i was 10,she was 14) and my younger sister stacey dec.21st 2002 of a heart arrythmia while napping( was 32 she just turned 31).i have found that it is very difficult to getpast the overwhelming greif. to top it off my dad passed away last july 2004 only my mom and i are left .i think im im the anger stage,that i will have no one to share with the family memmories,i just get to carry the family greif.my younger sister was a support system to me when our older sister past and now i am going it alone. at times i feel like i will not get beyond this . ty to all for listening ;it just feels good to say it outloud, bless you all tan

[lauraanne]

raeoflight,

I am so sorry to hear of all of your losses. I am just dealing with the loss of one brother and it is VERY painful! My heart goes out to you. I like the way you worded "I just get to carry the family grief." Even though I have 2 siblings left, we don't communicate all that great and I feel alone sometimes in "carrying the family grief". I would be glad to talk and listen, so if you feel like talking just send a post...I'll be around to listen.

Lord bless you and wrap you in his arms,

Laura

[nancysbro]

Hi, my name is Nancy. I'm new on the message board, although I've been on the Buddy site quite a bit. This is for Jomaree. I lost my brother age 49 in Feb. of this year. Anyway, I can kind of relate to what you're going through Jomaree as my brother and sister were twins. My sister is having a really difficult time. She about 10 days in the hospital and went through a number of tests. She felt like her heart was ripped out. Our brother died of a massive heart attack. My sister hasn't been well since Jan. She thinks that he had a couple of mild heart attacks and she felt them. Their 50th birthday was on July 8. I hope that this helps you. I know that this isn't what you had in mind, but I thought I'd give a "witness" view of this kind of grieving. At times, my sister has a hard time functioning. When she was here on the weekend, she wanted to write to you, but we didn't have time. My sister doesn't have a computer.

Take care and hang in there. Hope to hear from you soon. If you like, you can email me. I'll try to answer any questions you might have.

Nancy

[raeoflight]

raeoflight, ty so much for your wishes it meant alot to me,i am so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. it is a very difficult road when you are not able to talk it through. if you need a listening ear please message.i will be thinking of you , i wish you well tan

I am so sorry to hear of all of your losses. I am just dealing with the loss of one brother and it is VERY painful! My heart goes out to you. I like the way you worded "I just get to carry the family grief." Even though I have 2 siblings left, we don't communicate all that great and I feel alone sometimes in "carrying the family grief". I would be glad to talk and listen, so if you feel like talking just send a post...I'll be around to listen.

Lord bless you and wrap you in his arms,

Laura

[tdubslilsis14]

Hi I'm Alexis. I lost my 16 year old brother 11/18/04, Kristin-16 11/13/04, and Justin-16 6/16/05 all from car accidents. All of them were going to be Seniors when school started.....

I was with my friends family earlier on our way back from Sanibel Island, FL. As we were driving down the interstate, Chelsea's dad said," Girls don't look!" We shut our eyes...But quickly opening them by the sound of screeching tires and breaking glass. The 2 cars right infront of us were crushed 2 pieces after hitting each other. Two people were killed, the others were badly injured. It was so scary to see that after we have had 2 go through so many tragedies. We started crying thinking of my brother, Travis, and the other two teens. Flashbacks of seeing Travis, Justin, and Kristin and knowing my brother was going to die and the other two who died at the scene of the accidents. Its hard to be so young and witness all of these accidents and your older brother in one. Does anyone have suggestions on how to deal w/ this?? please e-mail me if u do.... Princesslexie724@aol.com

[tinasdad]

Alexis, words alone fall short consoling you in your tragic loss. I'm sorry you must walk this path of grief. Here, we share a bond, and we help those in pain. Please visit and write often. My loss is my daughter, Stacey, at 21. Mark.

Stacey, Dad loves you.

[princess72]

I have never been a part of a message board or anything like this...I feel so isolated in my greif. I lost my brother 8 months ago he left behind a wife and 3 children. He died of a heart attack, he was only 34 years old! I am not sure how to feel. I know his wife and 3 very young children need the most help. Everything has changed now, the whole dynamics of our family. I don't talk to my parents much anymore, we used to be really close. They obviously shifted their time to my brothers family, however, I have one too, a husband and 2 children who also miss him and my parents for that matter. I went through all the whys and what ifs...I placed blame on a few people, he wasn't fit at all. But when it comes down to it, there is nothing I or anyone can do at this point, he is gone. I just feel like I am in this alone now...even though we didn't talk everyday there was just that underlying understanding that we are in this life together, we will be there for each other no matter what happens. Now what do I do, who do I lean on for major decisions with our family. I Just dismissing my feelings of greif...How can I be sad, his wife and three kids is who I worry about or my parents. I had to call them from the hospital because they were out of town. I don't know...how to tell my internal dialogue to think about all this. I am selfish if I feel sorry for myself so I shift my greif towards my nephews of sisterinlaw or parents. I was pregnant when he died and I am having a hard time reconnecting with my husband...since our son has been born, I just feel like he doesn't get me, he is hard to talk to. I am not sure who to, what to or how to deal with this anymore...

June 2003 I lost my 30 year old brother Adam, my only sibling. He died of a heart attack, he was a vey fit man and took no drugs and didn't drink. One day he was OK, he went to bed and died in the middle of the night. He lived with his girlfriend, she was their when he died and at the time she was affected very badly by it, she even changed her surname to his.

I have steadily been feeling better over the past months, with good and bad days as everyone has. However yesterday, his girlfriend told me that she had started dating someone else and it was serious. Although I said that I was happy for her (which I am), I just felt sick and when I got home I just cried. I do want her to have a life (she is only 30) but its not easy. There are only a couple of his photos up in their house now, slowly being replaced by other things. My mum and dad don't know yet, my dad does a lot for her, cutting her lawn, DIY, walking their dog. I know this will hit them hard, its another break of the ties to their son.

[stevessis]

This message is for Oreo32....

I was reading your message, and it made me want to respond. I've never been part of ANY chatroom, but found myself searching the web for grief counceling as I was grieving the loss of my brother Steve.

I came across this site, and your message about losing so many loved ones and not knowing what to do about the occasions and blaming God. First, I can't imagine the loss that you've been feeling. I'm grieving the loss of one, although my dear brother, it seems unfair when I consider you're grieving three.

You should know that none of us know what we are doing... we are just trying to deal with the reality that we have. We all have to cry when it's needed, celebrate life when it's needed, and hold on to our faith in God, life, and future happiness. The overwhelming sense of loss comes around when we least expect it. (thus this visit to the chat site for me) But, even though I'm sad right now... I do know in my heart that my brother wants me to be happy, celebrate my life and bring up my children remembering him as the uncle who was fun, laid-back and there for them.

I say all of this through my tears... but I say it because, no matter what dates or anniversaries have already past, birthdays, holidays, etc. family and friends are also dealing in their own way. No one expects the perfect reaction or response right now to any occasion. True friends and family will appreciate any show of love and caring at anytime or anyplace.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself to "organize" or "create" the right anniversary of anything. The way that I look at it... even though I mourn my loss, my brother who died in my arms of Melanoma at the young age of 30, he knows my heart and he is crying at my pain in heaven right now.

Our loved ones want us to have joy and love always, the grief is just something that we have to deal with here on earth.

God Bless you... and know that you are in my prayers tonight.

Steve's Sis

[reneewood]

My wonderful neighbor (38 y/o) lost her sister (46 y/o) yesterday to lung cancer. They were the best of friends and she is devastated. I am desperate to do something for her and I wondered if anyone could recommend a book about losing a sibling or the very best book about dealing with grief you can think of. She lost her father 6 months ago and was still battling with depression over that loss. Thank you in advance.

[jvicktwin]

RENEEWOOD

This book helped me tremendously...WHEN YOU LOSE A LOVED ONE by Charles L. Allen (with poems by Helen Steiner Rice. God Bless Jan

[jvicktwin]

I lost my identical twin sister 3-25-04. She died from coronary tamonade. The doctors misplaced a stent and punctured the coronary artery. She had zero blood pressure at 8:05. I begged for a doctor for an hour,. The doctor finally arrived and they began cpr at 9:25. This occurred at Providence Hospital in Columbia, S.C. It was an absolute nightmare. I would have never believed such a thing could have occurred in the middle of the supposedly best heartcare unit around. They were an absolute joke. I was in total shock. If it had not been for the strength of God, I would have never survived. My heart and prayers go out to all of you out there who are hurting. It never goes away... but God gives you the grace to learn to live with it. God Bless Jan

[jvicktwin]

dear Stevessis

Your dear brother isn't crying in heaven...he is just rejoicing. There will be no sadness in heaven. Only happiness. Jan

[jvicktwin]

Dear Jomaree

I know what it feels like to feel like you have lost half your heart or half of your very being. Being an identical twin, I had always felt like two people. Never one. But... the night my sister Ann died, I felt like half of ME died too! It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do... to live as an individual. But.. you know God is faithful and true., He promised never to leave us or forsake us, and He has carried me all the way. I cried everyday for probably 15 months.My faith in God has helped me to change the things I can and just trust God in the things I cannot change. Ann is gone,. But God is using her death to try and make things better for other patients and families. To keep them from ever having to experience what Ann and our family went through. I pray that God will give you strength and peace in your heart and life. Our other half has gone on...We just need to live the life that will guarantee us a reunion with them in heaven one day. Trust God. HE will help you make it through. God Bless!!!! Jan

[jmeternal]

Hi Alexis;

my name is Rachael. Close to two years ago I lost my big brother and best friend due to a violent car accident. I wish that I could say that the pain subsides, but really all that happens is you learn to live with it. Everyday is a challenge and everyday I have slowly faced my denial. It took me about a year and a half to go see a counselor, and she has helped me organize my thoughts and feelings, but obviously she can not take the pain away. The best advice i can give you is to let yourself cry and talk about your brother wheneveryou feel the urge. Another thing I have tried is instead of focusing on the day of his death i celebrate his birthday, and bake a cake with candles for every new year. i know this may seem like a form of denial holding on to the physical body, but it has helped me more than anything to continue doing the things that I enjoyed when he was here. The most recent of all my healing attempts has been the biogrphy of my brothers life. Its kind of in diary form, but is is everything I can remember about him and the life that he left. it is so important to smile about the little things, and write them down. That way you wont be haunted with the fear of losing your memories. Continue talking to him, hes not gone. Share your thoughts and feelings like you would do if he were here. God bless.

Rachael

[alwaysmyjennifer]

jvicktwin, I am sorry for such a painful loss that you have been suffering. Unfortunately, we can do you injustice by not considering the unique way in which twins relate and live. Your loss is a pain I can't understand, but I share an empathy out of my own situation, my heart's concern for others in our world.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

jmeternal, I am sorry for the loss of your brother. Healing takes many forms, and I think the idea of a birthday cake for your brother is a great gift, tribute and memorial. It's one you can enjoy each year, and celebrate his life with you even though you miss him and feel the sorrow. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark

[jvicktwin]

jvicktwin, I am sorry for such a painful loss that you have been suffering. Unfortunately, we can do you injustice by not considering the unique way in which twins relate and live. Your loss is a pain I can't understand, but I share an empathy out of my own situation, my heart's concern for others in our world.

Thank you so much for your concern. I am truly sorry for the oss of your daughter. I have a daughter, and I can't imagine your pain. I do know that God's grace is sufficient and He will carry you through. God Bless Jan

[jvicktwin]

alwaysmyjennifer Thank you so much for your concern. I am truly sorry for the loss of your daughter. I have a daughter, and I can't imagine your pain. I do know that God's grace is sufficient and He will carry you through. God Bless Jan

[alwaysmyjennifer]

jvicktwin, Jan, thank you for your sentiment. I pray your daughter enjoys a long and healthy life. His grace is what takes me through the day. May His peace be yours. Mark

[derek22]

My name is Derek and I am 22. My brother Matthew who is 26 is losing his battle to liver cancer. It was March when he first found out, and from then on it all went downhill. Chemo had no effect, and it just made things worse. After his second chemoembolism CT scans showed 20 new tumors that developed on his liver, along with several tumors in his lungs. I am so saddened by all of this that I just feel like crying but cant. I see him get worse everyday. He is turning pale and a yellowish color, his body is so skinny, and his face and jaw line are clearly visible, and we all know his body is starting to shut down. But I can't bare to see him in pain. He doesnt eat and these are all signs that his body is starting to shut itself down. I have a tough time talking to my parents about it or my other 2 brothers, but I feel like I am no good. I dont want him to die, but yet when he does I feel like I would be happy. And I think that feeling is wrong. But I know if he passes that he will be healed to perfection and have no more pain, and will live the rest of time with God at his side. I am so pissed at myself because I never got to have the relationship with my brother that I always wanted. And it makes me wonder that if was never diagnosed with liver cancer and was healthy, would me and him be close at all. I am so sad and have nobody to talk to. I dont want to talk to therapist or counselors because I cant stand them. I cant talk to my family because I cant stand to see them sad and cry. I feel like I just want to take about 30 sleeping pills and fall asleep next to my brothers side.

[aprilsmom]

Dear Derek, Be kind to yourself kiddo and please hang on. My kids - 13, 17, 24, 29 lost their 26 yr. old sister in an auto accident in Nov. 2004. and it is so hard to know how to help them. Like you, they hated to see their parents upset. You kids shouldn't have to see us that way!! Siblings share a special bond, sometimes closer than parent and child. Being happy when your brother is out of pain is not a bad thing either. Remember that there are people here praying for you. Take Care.

[jvicktwin]

My name is Derek and I am 22. My brother Matthew who is 26 is losing his battle to liver cancer. It was March when he first found out, and from then on it all went downhill. Chemo had no effect, and it just made things worse. After his second chemoembolism CT scans showed 20 new tumors that developed on his liver, along with several tumors in his lungs. I am so saddened by all of this that I just feel like crying but cant. I see him get worse everyday. He is turning pale and a yellowish color, his body is so skinny, and his face and jaw line are clearly visible, and we all know his body is starting to shut down. But I can\'t bare to see him in pain. He doesnt eat and these are all signs that his body is starting to shut itself down. I have a tough time talking to my parents about it or my other 2 brothers, but I feel like I am no good. I dont want him to die, but yet when he does I feel like I would be happy. And I think that feeling is wrong. But I know if he passes that he will be healed to perfection and have no more pain, and will live the rest of time with God at his side. I am so pissed at myself because I never got to have the relationship with my brother that I always wanted. And it makes me wonder that if was never diagnosed with liver cancer and was healthy, would me and him be close at all. I am so sad and have nobody to talk to. I dont want to talk to therapist or counselors because I cant stand them. I cant talk to my family because I cant stand to see them sad and cry. I feel like I just want to take about 30 sleeping pills and fall asleep next to my brothers side.

Dear Derek It is never easy to give up someone you love...but there are alot worse things than dying. For a Christian it is a celebration of a new life. When my Father died with cancer, I was glad...because I knew he was in a better place and he would not suffer any longer. But, it is still so hard on the family who has to walk thru the journey with your loved one. One thing I know...If you trust God, He will not put more on you than you can bear. Try not to look back and have regrets about the things you did not do with your brother. Just let him know how very much you love him now and that you are there for him. When I lost my identical twin sister, I wanted to die too! It felt like I had lost a part of myself...but our siblings would not want us to give up or be sad. They would want us to go on , live life as happily as we can, and try to make this world a better place for others. Don\'t give up. Trust God for His strenghth. He promises in his word to give his people strenghth and peace...no matter what the circumstances. Just hold on to your faith. I promise, it will get better. God Bless Jan

[raeoflight]

dear derek, i am so sorry to hear about your suffering. you are not alone i have lost my only two siblings and my dad last year and im only 34 . you cannot undo the past, you can only be there for your brother now , even to hold his hand tojust be there with him as he needs you. only the happy times will remain in your hearts. somtimes its not whats said its whats felt that counts. when my dad was failing with his liver and dyalisis it was rubbing his feet of all things that brought us even closer in that time. life is in the moment enjoy each one . bless you tanya

[warrenssis]

I don't know what to do. I lost my only brother on May 17, 2005 and it's getting much worse for me. I talk to my friends and my family but no one but my mom truly understands how I feel. My brother and I were so close and I miss him constantly - losing him has left this huge hole in me, an emptiness that I can't stand. I can't stop crying, it seems like that's all I do anymore. I just feel like maybe talking to someone who has been through this may help me, I don't know what to do!! I am always sad and depressed, I don't even have the will to go to work or out of the house anymore. Someone please talk to me...

[jvicktwin]

I don\'t know what to do. I lost my only brother on May 17, 2005 and it\'s getting much worse for me. I talk to my friends and my family but no one but my mom truly understands how I feel. My brother and I were so close and I miss him constantly - losing him has left this huge hole in me, an emptiness that I can\'t stand. I can\'t stop crying, it seems like that\'s all I do anymore. I just feel like maybe talking to someone who has been through this may help me, I don\'t know what to do!! I am always sad and depressed, I don\'t even have the will to go to work or out of the house anymore. Someone please talk to me...

Dear Warrenssis I know exactly how you feel. I lost my identical twin sister Ann. It is the hardest thing I\'ve ever had to face. My faith in God has gotten me through. I cried for 18 months. It\'s normal to grieve the loss of someone you love. I\'ll be honest. My sister\'s death was such a shock, that I had to take medications for several months just to function. I just drew closer to the Lord thru watching Joyce Meyers, Joel Olsteen, Charles Stanley, any of those great people of God. Everyday I would be so depressed, I would turn on one of those three preachers and without fail....God would supply the answers I needed. I teach a Sunday School class, so studying for that and their support helped me. I\'m still fighting a battle with the hospital,doctors, and nurses to try to make it safer for other patients at Providence. Trust God. Seek medical help temporarily if you need to. Try to get out with friends. Everyone has to grieve in their own way. There is not a wrong way or right way. I will be praying for you. Jan

[raeoflight]

I don't know what to do. I lost my only brother on May 17, 2005 and it's getting much worse for me. I talk to my friends and my family but no one but my mom truly understands how I feel. My brother and I were so close and I miss him constantly - losing him has left this huge hole in me, an emptiness that I can't stand. I can't stop crying, it seems like that's all I do anymore. I just feel like maybe talking to someone who has been through this may help me, I don't know what to do!! I am always sad and depressed, I don't even have the will to go to work or out of the house anymore. Someone please talk to me...

[raeoflight]

I don't know what to do. I lost my only brother on May 17, 2005 and it's getting much worse for me. I talk to my friends and my family but no one but my mom truly understands how I feel. My brother and I were so close and I miss him constantly - losing him has left this huge hole in me, an emptiness that I can't stand. I can't stop crying, it seems like that's all I do anymore. I just feel like maybe talking to someone who has been through this may help me, I don't know what to do!! I am always sad and depressed, I don't even have the will to go to work or out of the house anymore. Someone please talk to me...

i know how you feel i have lost both my sisters .my younger sister past away in 2002 just before x mas she and i were extremely close and the loss left me with a huge hole in my heart . when your left alone (i feel) that it is an even heavyier burden.i was where you are .the waves of grief seamed to over come me. but it was the knowing that we spent our lives no matter how long it happened to be ; being there for each other and knowing the joys of a true love and friendship. i still have the waves ,but more now i have the happier memories that fill that space between. i will be thinking of you . tanya

[jomaree]

Hi Jvicktwin

Thanks for your reply. I hope you are doing ok, things are still very difficult for me, particularly with our birthday coming up, it's my first in 35 years without her.Feel free to contact me via email.

Jo.

[jvicktwin]

Hi Jvicktwin

Thanks for your reply. I hope you are doing ok, things are still very difficult for me, particularly with our birthday coming up, it\'s my first in 35 years without her.Feel free to contact me via email.

Jo.

Dear Jo

I don\'t have your email address. My first birthday without Ann was very hard. To be honest, I just asked my family not to celebrate my birthday that year. I just couldn\'t do it. They all respected my request. We just let the day go by with no celebration. It had only been about 10 weeks since Ann died. It has been 18 months this month. Sometimes it still doesn't seem real. Today has been especially hard. I received a letter from LLR saying they were dropping my complaint against the negligent nurse because of insufficient evidence. Funny, DHEC cited the hospital on my complaint, for failure to document vital signs. They checked the hospital records and found there had been none. If they had taken them, Ann might still be alive. They would have realized she was hemmoraging. I\'m so sorry to go on and on about my case. What happened to your sister. One thing I do know is that God is still in control and He will win this battle for me. God Bless Jan

[jodi616]

I lost my sister on July 25 - she ws in a violent car accident. I can't help but feel that she suffered and keep replaying the events in my head over and over again. Her car flipped over and then landed in a canal....

How do I make these feelings go away? Every Monday night at 10:54 I watch the clock and imagine what transpired minute to minute.....Is this normal?

I love and miss her so much and feel lost now that she is not there. She was my best friend who was supposed to be here with me, grow old with me and share my life....

[jvicktwin]

I lost my sister on July 25 - she ws in a violent car accident. I can't help but feel that she suffered and keep replaying the events in my head over and over again. Her car flipped over and then landed in a canal....

How do I make these feelings go away? Every Monday night at 10:54 I watch the clock and imagine what transpired minute to minute.....Is this normal?

I love and miss her so much and feel lost now that she is not there. She was my best friend who was supposed to be here with me, grow old with me and share my life....

After my twin sister Ann died, in such a tragic way, I relived it everyday, every minute of what happened. I was with her and I have constantly asked myself...Why didn't I realize something was wrong? I thought she was just sleeping...and she was dying. I have tormented myself many times over the past 18 months with "what ifs"? I believe it is very normal to do what you are doing. Every person deals with death in their own way. I pray that the Lord will give you peace. Reliving it is not going to help anybody..but if you are like me you're trying to make sense of it all. I thought ann would always be with me, too. She was my very best friend. But sometimes God has a different plan than we do. I miss her but I know she is in a better place than we are. I pray again sincerely, that God will grant you peace in your heart and mind. Just trust Him and He will help you. God Bless, Jan

[jomaree]

So sorry to hear about your loss, Jodi616. I don't think there is anyway to make the feelings you have go away, I think you just have to bear them until, hopefully, time will make it less painful.

Jvicktwin, I'm terribly sorry to hear of the circumstances around your twins death, it makes it worse to think that it was preventable.

My twin had what the doctors at the time thought was an asthma attack. I was in the ER when they were working on her, but I knew she was gone. It was found eventually that she had developed a clot in her lung, for no apparent reason. My email is jaustin@netconnect.com.au, if you'd like to talk further =)

[warrenssis]

Jan,

I am so sorry for the loss of your identical twin sister. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through too. All I do is cry and I have no motivation to do anything. I try and go through the motions, but that's just what it is because I don't enjoy doing anything like I did before I lost Warren. Life just seems to have no purpose without my brother. I hate it. I don't know how to get through this, yet I have no choice. My mom wants me to talk to a counselor/seek medical advice, but I can't do that right now because I have no medical insurance. My mom and my grandparents have offered to pay, but I just can't seem to get there. I find myself getting angry and people around me laughing and living their lives when my heart is broken. Does that make sense? I want to scream at them that my life is over! I do get out with friends when I am up to it, but no one truly understands what I'm going through or they think I should be "over it" and it's only been four months. Four horrible months... Thank you for your words of comfort Jan, I do pray all the time and I talk to Warren constantly.

Tanya, I am sorry that you lost both of your sisters, I cannot imagine going through this hell more than once, I can't even imagine going through it once - it still seems light a terrible nightmare to me and each day I wake up, I think it's going to be just that, a terrible nightmare. That's what this grief is, a wave. Thank you for writing to me, I'm glad I can talk here and everyone understands what I am going through.

I miss Warren every minute and I always think about him. I love him so much.

Take care everyone and I will be thinking of all of you.

Marcille, Warren's sister

[jvicktwin]

Dear Warrensis,

Let your family help you. If you feel you need professional help, then you should get it. I had to take medication for several months... but... God has been my real strength. He will listen and understand when noone else does."I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me"

I know exactly how you feel. My sisters and I always go out for our birthdays. It had been 15 months since Ann died. My baby sister said she was taking us overnight to the beach, but there was one stipulation...I could not discuss Ann's case. I almost didn't go. We were in a restaurant and they were discussing something funny. They both started laughing so hard they couldn't stop. I said if you two are going to be so silly, I'm going to the restroom. I went in and cried my eyes out. They were so happy and inside I was so sad. I really couldn't understand at the time how they could be laughing when I was dying inside. I thanked God that they could laugh and begin to go on with their life. I guess they weren't there at the hospital and they couldn't know how horrible it was. It's totally normal for you to feel that way. Everyone deals with death in different ways. No one way is right or wrong. It' just whatever is right for you. It has been 18 months since Ann died. I'm still not whole...I probably never will be...but I promise you, with God,s help and grace; it does get better. They wouldn't want us to continue being sad. We just have to learn to live with it and make the best of it. God Bless Jan

[jomaree]

Dear Nancysbro,

I'm so terribly sorry I didn't reply to you earlier, I left these forums for a while because I wasn't coping, and felt terrible for everyone - losing someone so close to you gives you a terrible empathy for others going through something similar.

Please, if you or your sister would still like to write, you both can email me at jaustin@netconnect.com.au

Hope to hear from you, Jo.

[derek22]

My name is Derek and I am 22. My brother Matthew who is 26 is losing his battle to liver cancer. It was March when he first found out, and from then on it all went downhill. Chemo had no effect, and it just made things worse. After his second chemoembolism CT scans showed 20 new tumors that developed on his liver, along with several tumors in his lungs. I am so saddened by all of this that I just feel like crying but cant. I see him get worse everyday. He is turning pale and a yellowish color, his body is so skinny, and his face and jaw line are clearly visible, and we all know his body is starting to shut down. But I can\'t bare to see him in pain. He doesnt eat and these are all signs that his body is starting to shut itself down. I have a tough time talking to my parents about it or my other 2 brothers, but I feel like I am no good. I dont want him to die, but yet when he does I feel like I would be happy. And I think that feeling is wrong. But I know if he passes that he will be healed to perfection and have no more pain, and will live the rest of time with God at his side. I am so pissed at myself because I never got to have the relationship with my brother that I always wanted. And it makes me wonder that if was never diagnosed with liver cancer and was healthy, would me and him be close at all. I am so sad and have nobody to talk to. I dont want to talk to therapist or counselors because I cant stand them. I cant talk to my family because I cant stand to see them sad and cry. I feel like I just want to take about 30 sleeping pills and fall asleep next to my brothers side.

September 7th 2005, was the day I wrote all that. Looking back now I remember easily how hard it all was. I wanted to thank you all for your kind words to me. My brother Matt passed away 4 days after I posted that which was September 11th 2005. When I first got the news I was writing and email to my girlfriend thanking her for being by my side. Well I was downstairs in my parents house when I heard my dad upstairs, wake my brother daniel up who was sleeping next to Matt, saying "Daniel." Matt's Gone. I ran upstairs and it was true. I saw my brother Matt, laying there eyes half open staring at the ceiling. He died around 6am that morning, with his hands on his side in which the cancer was.(his liver) My father knew aswell as my brother Daniel, that Matt was going to pass away that day. My dad told Matt, before he went to bed. That Matt. All you have to do is pray. Tell God you are ready, and that your ready for him to receieve your soul into his hands, and he will come get you. Well that morning, Matt finally passed away. I remember after we had called everyone to inform them he had died, I was talking to my dad, and we were both laughing and crying, because the fight was over. We knew Matt was in the hands of God, and was finally home. Matt's strength to the end and the fight he put into something he knew he was going to lose, is what made us all strong. I remember Matt telling my dad and telling us all. To not be sad when he dies, because nothing bad is coming off it all, only good. He said the body is weak but the spirit is strong, and that his death will bring good to the family, in which it did. Our family is strong and talking again, after years of not talking to each other. And I know Matt is still here, because I can feel him in by my side. I would like now to share a story with you, that my dad shared with us about Matt a few years ago. Well About 5 years ago my brother Jason, had interviewed for a financial advisor position with Dean Winter & associate's, and if he got the job he would have been working in the world trade centers in New york. Well Jason did'nt get that Job and he talked to my dad on the phone upset that he didnt get it. Well my Dad asked him if he put his life in God's hands and trusted that God was guiding his life. Well Jason had said yes, and my dad told him that the job was not right for him and something else would happen. Well a few months later September 11th happened. And Jason then again called my dad that day and asked him if he had saw what happened. They then recalled how Jason was suppose to be working there if he got that job. They sat on the phone just saying wow,because they knew it was God that was protecting Jason. Well about 3 years later my dad see's my other brother Matt in the kitchen one morning walking like he was sore, and then asked Matt what was wrong. Well Matt asked him if he really wanted to know, and my dad very much did want to know. Well Matt told him he was fed up of not knowing anything about God, and he left early in the evening the day before to go find God. He said he prayed and said "God I dont know you." "I know nothing about you, and I am going to walk until I find you." Well Matt left the house and started walking. He left with no money, the clothes on his back, and the food in his belly. Well Matt walked about 35 miles, and was on a dirt road. While he was walking on the dark road, a light from the interstate blind him to the point where he had to turn away. Well he finally turned back around to see where the light came from, and he followed this light with his eyes on the ground that moved along the road, and finally came to a stop shining on a rail road bridge. Well when Matt noticed it stopped, he kinda saw some writing on the bridge and got closer to see what it was. And as he got closer he read three little words on this bridge. The three words he read, was *Jesus Loves You*. After that he fell to his knees and started to cry. At that time a cop came by, because I guess someone had spotted Matt walking and had called the cops. Well this state trooper showed up and asked Matt what he was doing, and Matt had explained to him what he did. I think this cop was dumbfounded and didnt know what to do or say, so he told Matt that he would give him a ride to a truck stop to get off the road and out of the dark. Well this trooper took Matt to a truck stop, where Matt just sat on a bench outside, when a man came up to him and said "young man, I hate eating alone and you look like you could use a meal, would you like to join me for breakfast." Well Matt accepted his offer, and he then had breakfast with a man he never even met. After they ate, the man wished Matt well and said God bless you, and then left. Matt then sat on the same bench, wondering how he was going to get home, when another man came to him and said, young man Im driving up to Omaha, would you like a ride up there. Matt accepted his offer and he got a ride back to Omaha where he left for his walk. The man dropped Matt off at another truck stop where he then walked the rest of the way home. Well a year later Matt is diagnosed with liver cancer and passes away on September 11th 2005. So there is alot more to this, because this was an act of God. God must have been saying MAN! Here is a guy who leaves his house with nothing, and walks just to find me. That is the person I want up here with me. AFter these stories it opened my eyes, and has helped me to cope. Because its faith, I have that keeps me strong. If I am ever said I just close my eyes, and talk. I talk to God, and my brother who is the luckiest man I know, and his name is Matt. For all of you out there, thank you all for your words to help me cope, and may GOD be with you all in your lives and in your times of need. God Bless.

[luella]

My brother Phillip died, December 24th 2005 after a three month battle with cancer. It made everything I ever thought to be true into lies. Everything is great one minute, he’s newly married, all the family is teasing him, asking where the babies are, how come he wasn't getting a wriggle on, he’d finally made it to the promised land of partnership…life was settling down and then in a 10 minute phone call asking me to come home immediately it’s all gone.

Phillip was 35 a long awaited child for my parents...when I came along 14 years later (I'm 21) they had lost hope for more children. They used to say 'two miracles, the Doctors said no children and we got two.'

Phillip was my big brother my whole life nothing could touch him. I was never ‘ok’ with his illness and I was never ‘ok’ with his death. I just sort of, I guess cruised though and got on with things. I felt I had no choice. I didn’t have a choice. I had to get on with things. I returned to the US (I’m Australian but I’m in the US for school) and went back to school.

During his illness there never seemed to be anytime to just sit and be with him. To talk about the day gone by, to tell him a million things I wanted to. There was always an appointment, always someone wanting to see him. I know even if I had never slept during those 3 months and I had attached myself to him I would still feel like there was never any time.

I went home for this past summer. My mother, my father, my sister in law and I went to our family holiday home and sat. My parents on the verge of retirement had just bought it in anticipation of grandchildren when Phillip was diagnosed. Their dream of having a place where we could all come had finally come but the biggest part of all was missing. We all just sat I can't remember if during the whole summer we actually went to the beach. We just sat. I couldn’t bear to see my friends; to go to their homes reminded me of what I had lost. It was worse there. Every photograph on the wall was a stab in my body.

The past few days I’ve just had an overwhelming need to cry as soon, as I am by myself the tears start. I ended up on the phone to my mother last night in hysterics for over 3 hours, she couldn’t calm me down, I finally hung up when I had no energy to cry anymore. I have worried Mum so much now, she and my father want to come here and bring me home. Maybe that would be a good thing, I don’t know. I don’t have the ability to make decisions like that anymore, everything is clouded by death.

A photo of my brother and I has sat on my desk, well there has always been one of he and I on my desk but since he died it’s had pride of place. I had to take it down Thursday because I just couldn’t have it there anymore.

I’m under pressure at school at the moment I can’t bring myself to go and tell my prof’s what wrong and why my performance had dropped because I think they will think that after nearly a year I should be over this. I’ve got to confess until Phillip died, I would have thought a year was enough for someone to ‘get over it’…it’s not though. I never knew how much someone dying could hurt, I really didn’t. I would have been kinder, gentler with people, asked after them more often if I had even an inkling of how much they hurt.

My boyfriend was over earlier. He tries so hard to help, I know it’s hard for him, but the more he hovers and the more he worries and the more and more he is sad, the more it fells like he is killing me inside. I am barely holding things together for me I can’t deal with his grief too.

[cursedlove114]

ok, well this is my first time on this site.. my parents said i should try it out, so here goes...

First a little bit about me. my name is Kristin. I am 18 years old and live in good ole new jersey. i'm a student at my local community college.

Ok.. so about my loss...

Almost 2 months ago (august 7th 2005) i lost my older brother.

His name was Matthew. He was 24 years old.

i'll tell the whole story...

my parents had just gone on vacation. they left saturday morning to go to gettysburg. they wanted to stay the night there then drive down to south carolina the next day. so of course once they leave, our furnace breaks so we have no hot water, so we can't shower. so my parents called the oil company to come fix our furnace. so i of course being the most responsible out of my two brothers, Scott 22 and Matthew 24, had to wake up early to talk to the oil guy and let him in the house and so on. my parents put me in charge of the house. my brother matthew had always had anxiety problems and depression, so my mom before she left said to me "kristin, you are in charge of the house. but most importantly you are in charge of matthew." and those few words, changed my life forever.. along with his depression and anxiety the previous couple of days before my parents left he was complaining about horrible stomach pains. my mom figured he had a stomach virus so he told him to sjust stay home and relax. so now it's saturday night i don't wanna stay home i wanna go out and do stuff, ya kno i'm 18. but i was in charge of the house so i had to make sure it was still standing by the time my parents got home. so i had to take care of my dog, and well my brother. that night matthew came home completely out of it, work had sent him home early because he was in so much pain and he was having an anxiety attack, so i told him to relax, i told him to calm down take deep breaths, take his xanax and lie down on the couch to relax and calm down. so he did and he fell asleep while watching tv. later on my brother scott came home with his friend tristan so the 3 of us hung out that night. i woke up really early sunday morning (august 7th) to wait for the oil guy. i went down to our living room which we call.. used to call our green room. *long story short, green couches, green shades, equals green room* and i noticed matthew was still sleeping on the couch so i quickly glanced at him and noticed he wasn't moving. i was making so much noise cause i didn't know he was still sleeping so i was wondering how he didn't wake up from it. so i walked over to him. he was lying on the couch with his sweat pants and no shirt on. as i was looking at him it looked like he wasn't breathing, so i went to shake him awake and once i put my hand on his bare back i quickly pulled away in shock. his skin was ice cold. i looked at his face and his face was so pale and his lips were so dark. i started freaking out. i ran to scott's room crying yelling at him to help me. and thank god he stayed home that night, if he wasn't there i don't know what i would have done. so we both ran over to him scott got a wet paper towel and put it on his forehead he started shaking matthew, but we both knew there was nothing we could do. so we ran out of the house. scott was in complete shock, he kind of walked away from the whole situation, leaving me with the weights on my shoulders. i called 911. and the police and ambulances were there within 10 minutes. the medical examiner walked in the room, and within like 30 seconds walked right back out into the kitchen, whee scott and i were. and told us "i'm sorry there's nothing we can do.. he's gone" i didn't know what to do i just sat there crying and crying. the police officer stayed with me almost the entire time, every 5 seconds he would be like "do you need anything? are you alright? do you wanna talk? can i do anything?" and then he asked one question that i was dreading to answer "do your parents know about this yet?" i looked at him and started balling saying i can't call them i can't do it! but i knew i had to.. so somehow i worked up the courage to call my dad's cell phone. my mom picked up the phone all happy and giggling, and i quickly asked mom, where are you? and she said well.. we're on a road.. in west virginia, why? i said mom, you need to turn around and come back home. she already knew it was about matthew, she started freaking out is he ok? is he in the hospital? and i just started crying and i don't know how the words came out of my mouth but somehow i got up the nerves to say "mom, matthew passed away in his sleep last night" she quickly said ok we'll be home in 5 hours, we're turning around, and quickly hung up on me. i think she was in shock, and didn't want to become hysterical on the phone with me. so eventually they came home and the 4 of us just cried together for hours. the medical examiner called us later on telling us that he had technically passed away at about 10:00 - 11:00 saturday night, and the reason he passed away was that night he took his xanax *anxiety medicine*, and apparently took a little too much of it, and he also took muscle relaxants *where he got them.. we don't know* but the combination of the 2 had been so much with his weak body that it just shut down his entire body. and he was lying on the couch until 7:30 the next morning. no one even noticed.

my entire family has felt a tremendous amount of guilt because of this. but i feel absolutely horrible about it. i have so much guilt. my mom put me in charge of my brother. and i failed her. i failed him. maybe if only i had done something. if i had talked to him later on saturday night and took him to the hospital he could have gotten his stomach pumped. if i had done something.. anything. but no i didn't want to deal with his anxiety that night and i went and hung out with scott and tristan. if i had paid a little more attention to him that night.. would he still be with us??

that's a question that i'm going to have to live with the rest of my life..

[magisee]

Hello. My name is Maggie. I lost a son in 2004.

I know that I am new here and will probably sound like a broken record replying to this message board and its man different posting areas.

But recently I read an emotionally charged, extremely comprehensive grief book that has helped me so much in dealing with my loss.

A friend of mine recommended an author friend she knew. Her name is Katlyn Stewart, and she gave me her web address- http://understandinggrief.katlynstewart.com I went to the site and clicked on the grief book she had listed there- Song Of Cy: Understanding Grief. It took me to a publishers site where I bought the E-Book.

Anyway, I am getting long winded.

This book by Katlyn Stewart has helped me to understand so much of what I was feeling as a mother. Both emotionally and physically.

The author leaves no stone unturned.

I am so thrilled with this book, I wanted to post here in regard to it (and I dont post to messageboards)

If you have a chance, and can...check out the website. Maybe buy the book and see for yourself.

I will close in saying...

Here is to our healing of a loss greater than any loss I will ever know.

Maggie

[theyoungersis]

Hi, I lost my elder sis on July 21st this year. It was supposed to be a happy day for my family, I was waiting to hear from my dad as my sis was pregnant and due any time. But he called up to say that she passed away.. she was just 33 and extremely excited about having her second baby.. She wanted a second baby because she wanted her elder daughter to have a bond with someone the same as the two of us had. Its just a shock to think in this day and age, childbirth could be fatal.. it seems like a freak accident.. like something was not done right.. the best hospital, the best doctors and still she\'s gone..

anyways.. she\'s gone, she was the life of all the parties, the elder sis not just for me but all our friends.. she was so confident of everything she did and so sure of what she wanted.. she helped not just me, but even my mom and dad to grow.. to be more broad minded, to figure out what we wanted and to get it.. everything I\'ve acheived so far is cause she pushed me with her pep talks..

i try to think that at least I have my 2 neices to remember her by, but it all seem so worthless,hopeless.. she understood people, she understood kids, it was great to see her with her elder daughter who is barely 4. she could handle any situation.. if it was any one else instead of her , she would have known exactly what to do.. how to deal with it.. I just feel so lost.. how do I help her husband.. how do I keep her memories alive for kids, i have the worst memory in my family! how do I help them grow as she would have, all I can do is love them, I have no words of inspiration for them, no pep talks like she had..

I am 29, I have no other siblings.. its just my mom, dad and me now.. i don\'t know how to help them

i had always thought that once I'm done with my studies and everything and start having kids, I'll stay close to my sis, so that we could raise our kids together.. I don't know what to do now, its all so confusing.

[swede1]

My sincere condolences to everyone in this forum for the losses of your brothers and sisters. It seems to often be a disenfranchised loss, treated not as importantly as other major losses. I don't know why, as it doesn't strike me as logical, when these are the peers ( or close enough ) we grew up with. The loss of my own brother has been eclipsed even by myself, by the loss of our Mother only 2 months prior to HIS death. I haven't yet had much chance to even talk about or process his loss in my life. So I'm wondering if there's anybody out there who's in a similar boat to me - losing an older brother (58), and being the youngest child, but still middle-aged (48)(of course, I don't FEEL this old! )? His loss was also sudden and unexpected, and of course, as mentioned above, came at an already grief-laden time.

[aprilsmom]

cursedlove114 Kiddo, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR YOUR BROTHER'S DEATH!!! My daughter has 2 sisters and 2 brothers that would love to talk with you but are just too too sad right now. We can not believe you had the strength to post since your wounds are so fresh; but we're happy you've come here. If you can cut and paste into the thread losing a child under the adult child section I know that you will get lot's of ideas to help you get through these horrible first months. Take Care and remember you are not alone!

[cursedlove114]

aprilsmom,

i know i'm not to blame for his daeth... but i just wish i could have done something for him. when he was here, he would do anything for me. he would bend over backwards for me, and it just hurts that i couldn't do anything to save him.. i feel like through this whole thing i have found so much inner strength that i never knew i had. everyone is surprised at what i did, and how strong i am for doing it. if any of your sons or daughters would like to talk tell them that they can talk to me anytime.. either on here or they can email me sweet_n_innocent1288@yahoo.com whenever they feel they need to talk.. both of my parents have actually posted on the losing an adult child section.. *mattsdad and maskott* and i was planning on doing it too, but i would feel weird everyone talking bout their kids passing, and then there's me with my brother. anywho.. thanks for your post! try to keep in touch!

[jvicktwin]

God Bless you Derek...God is truly in control of all of our lives who TRUST HIM!

Your brother and my sister are definitely better off. We should rejoice and be glad. We just need to live for God, help to reach others, and one day we will all be together again...in God's own time.

I really enjoyed your sharing those wonderful stories of faith.

Jan

[jvicktwin]

Dear kristin,

When my twin sister died so suddenly and tragicly, I felt so guilty. Why didn't I realize something was wrong? Why didn't I have more medical knowledge? Why didn't God take me instead...Ann was such a wonderful christian, I thought, You should have taken me and left her here to work for you. Immediately, God said to me, "No, I took the best one." And you know He was right.

Ann's death has brought me so much closer to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

We can't continue to feel guilty and question God. One thing I know! God doesn't make mistakes! He took your brother and my sister at the exact right time. For what reason, we will not know until we ask Him face to face. God Bless Jan

[aprilsmom]

Curselove114- Hi, my son Brett is 17 and a senior in high school. He was with me when we drove to the site of the accident; at that time we did not know that April had been killed so you can imagine our shock. He just asked me to ask if you have aol instant messaging. If you look on aprilduarte.com you can see pictures of Brett with his 3 sisters, he has kinda long dark hair and they're all dressed up. Let us know if you have Instant messaging. Take Care.

[cursedlove114]

Jvicktwin, i am so sorry to hear about the loss of your twin sister. right now, i honestly, am not too happy with God, my parents attend church and they want me to join them, but i don't really want to. i know i shouldn't be mad at God, but i'm just not in the mood right now to worship him after he's taken away my brother.. you know? i feel bad.. but i don't want to sit in church while the whole time i'm just thinking, you took away my brother i don't want to listen. you know what i'm saying? so hopefully soon i'll be able to get over this and go back to church.. it just might take some time.

aprilsmom, i do have aol instant messaging, so if brett would like to send me a message that would be fine. my screen name is cuteandsweet856

[michaelsgurl28]

My name is Beth,I am 28 years old,and I am a grieving sister.I lost my older brother Mark on June 27,2004 to sleep apnea due to obesity.I have created a group on MSN made specifically for other grieving siblings.This is a group where you can talk about your thoughts and feelings and not worry about anyone judging you.Please join my group at:

groups.msn.com/LossofaSiblingSupportGroup

[clittlelady]

Hello to everyone here. This is my first time to visit this site. I'm so sorry for the loss you've all had to bear. Some so recent and for some it's been a while. The void is always there, at least for me anyway. It's been 24 years since I lost a dear friend and protective older brother. He's always missed. He was my rock. He lives in my heart and memories.

TO SWEDE1:

Hi Swede1, I was visiting here and saw your posting. Another piece of common ground? I have four older brothers, the next to the eldest, Glynn, is the one who is gone. He was 37 years old and was a big man in size and in his heart. He was jolly, gentle, giant. There were 15 years between our ages. He was protective of me, the only girl. He was encouraging and supportive. One of his sayings that is my favorite "Don't worry little sis, it will all come out in the wash."

In 1981, I lived in Colorado, my Mother and I. My Mother was 62 and I was 22. He had come to visit us and recover from some personal issues with his estranged wife. He bought a motorcyle while he was there. Just like a big kid with a new toy, taking in life, trying to move on. Trying to focus on something new. We lived at the edge of this small, quaint mountain community. He had been visiting with us for a few months, enjoying the mountains and renewing our brother/sister relationship. He was on his way to our home one sunny afternoon and was only one mile from our home, when he was hit by a truck who was changing lanes and didn't see him. He was not wearing his helmet. He went down and was caught up under the wheel-well of the truck. The driver panicked and attempted to keep going, not realizing he was up under the truck still. As the police officers arrived before paramedics, he was found unresponsive. Technically, he was already gone. One officer went to the police station, came back with tubing and had performed a tracheotomy and resuscitated him before the paramedics arrival. I worked at the local hospital and remember very well the "Any doctor in the house to the emergency room STAT" call. I was just ending my afternoon break. Upon returning to my office, I was escorted to the emergency room where a doctor, who I worked with, told me that my brother had just been received in a very critical condition and was already enroute via ambulance to a larger city hospital, 65 miles from our location. He was very honest with me that the prognosis in his opinion was very bleak. I had to leave there, drive myself home to break this news to my Mother. This day will forever be burned in my memory, nausea, haze, gut wrenching disbelief. When I arrived home, Mother was working in her flower garden, on her knees. Sharing this news was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. She was in shock, to say the least. At that moment, I watched a spark leave her eyes that never did return. It's like it didn't really sink in. I called my other two brothers who lived locally and of course, we all rushed to the hospital. 65 miles seemed like 6000. Very little was said. Quiet tears, bottled emotions. Supportive words for our Mother's sake, but I knew it wasn't good and it wasn't hopeful. When we arrived at the hospital, the staff were awaiting our arrival. Welcomed us, comforted us and briefed us as to his condition. He was still alive, was in surgery. A team of physicians were working on him. It was hours later, when were were able to see him in the Critical Care Unit. Nurses had tried to prepare us for what we were about to see, but nothing could prepare us for that horror. My poor, big, loving brother didn't exist anymore. This suffering soul who was crushed and swollen beyond belief was in his place. There were more tubes and hoses and machines than I could ever have imagined. He was in a coma, where he remained for two weeks. To see my Mother suffer this was a moment in time that will never be erased from my memory. She stayed with him until she physically had to be made to go home for just a few hours. We were all taking shifts being there, with him as often as we could go in and with her, around the clock. After two weeks of being in a coma, he awoke. He couldn't communicate becaue of the tracheotomy. We were told he was severely brain damaged and would require many reconstructive surgeries and that he would require a constant care facility, for the rest of his life. He would stroke my face and try to say something, but he couldn't. Everything seemed to be so surreal. I had went home for a little while and my Mother and brother were planning to return that afternoon and stay the night. Just as it was beginning to penetrate into our minds that we had to find a place for him where he could receive the appropriate care, everything changed, forever. I received a phone call that Glynn had just passed away. I was by myself. I told them that my Mother and brother were on their way there, to please not let them just walk in. The doctor and nurses waited for them and held my mother as she cried. They had left Glynn in his room so she could tell him goodbye. It tore us all apart that we had stayed with him every moment and then he died without us. I watched my Mother go through years of grief, in many different stages. She enlarged so many photos of him and had them everywhere. She would visit the site of the accident regularly. She would put up crosses and flowers. She went into such a dark place. She lost weight. She always told me that she prayed I never knew that pain and that she wanted to die before any of her other children, that she couldn't live through that again. Her faith in God was always strong and I know this is what sustained her. As time went on, her grief changed. She always missed him and always remembered him. He was always spoken of at family gatherings, in a good reminiscent way, to keep him alive in us. As the years have passed, I think of him often, his kind ways, his love. I remember many good things. As my Mother aged, I realized he was the one brother who would have been there with me, helping in her care.

Can't believe all of that just spilled out. Sorry. I haven't talked to anyone about him in a very, very long time. I do know life goes on. I do know it's not easy. I do know nothing or no one can take his place. But he was here, he was special and I'll remember him always.

God Bless you all.