Help

[leaplittlefair]

I am new to this, but I need someone to talk to who understands what im going through.

My dad died on the 17th of july, i cant stop thinking about watching him die, i miss him so much and didnt get a chance to say goodbye, i feel guilty for not helping him when I realised he was in trouble

anyone been through similar?

Louise

[ModKonnie]

I am sorry about your father. I knew my father was dying, and yet I often feel guilty for not spending those extra few moments or going that extra length. It just all seemed so surreal.... However, you can't go backwards, you have to go forward. Can you think of good memories and times you did have together?

I know one way to begin to process your profound loss is to talk about it. You can share with us if you'd like. Tell us about your dad, and his life with you, if you are comfortable doing so.

Or, write him a letter and tell him everything you've been wanting to say. Many times, people will read the letter and have a small ceremony of some type, perhaps a solitary visit to the cemetery or a candle lighting and special song. Others will just read their letters and then put them away.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[Rms1977]

I am new to this, but I need someone to talk to who understands what im going through.

My dad died on the 17th of july, i cant stop thinking about watching him die, i miss him so much and didnt get a chance to say goodbye, i feel guilty for not helping him when I realised he was in trouble

anyone been through similar?

Louise

Hi Louis,

As a matter of a fact, I have gone through a very similiar experience with my Mother, who passed on September 18th, 2012. I think part of the grieving process, is to feel "guilt"!! Coulda, shoulda, woulda, right? I went through every one of these emotions, and to be quite honest, I still am. However, I do know: That when it was their time to go, there was nothing any of us could have done to save them. My mother died on my chest, and I had no clue anything was even wrong. I remember telling my sister "She's okay, her medicine just knocked her out"....Of course that wasn't the case.

I don't have any good advice for you, as I am so lost, upset, and broken myself. But the one thing I can assure you, is you did nothing wrong. Neither did I. I do know that this site has helped me in so many ways!! There is something about being able to "relate" to others who have lost their parents. I felt like no one understood, until I came on here. Do as I do, use this as a crutch, to keep you sane. As always, I am praying for us both. God Bless.

[Alexander Risten]

I am new to this, but I need someone to talk to who understands what im going through.

My dad died on the 17th of july, i cant stop thinking about watching him die, i miss him so much and didnt get a chance to say goodbye, i feel guilty for not helping him when I realised he was in trouble

anyone been through similar?

Louise

You are certainly not alone! Countless people have told me they felt guilty for not doing that little extra. The biggest problem with this type of guilt is that it is in most cases unfounded. There are times when people should feel guilty, but that should be reserved for people who ignored their loved ones as a rule. You clearly loved your dad so I get the impression that you had a good relationship with him. The sad part is that we tend to measure ourselves by what we did or did not do just before death. If we were there when our beloved dies, then we are good. If, for some reason, they died without us, then we are bad and we feel guilty. The problem with death is that it is usually unexpected. If we knew when and how our beloved would die, we would do everything perfectly beforehand. But, we do not know the when or the how. Hindsight is 20/20 vision. Looking back everything is so clear and you can see all the signs that showed he was going to die. We do not, however, live backwards so we miss a lot of the signs and realize it too late. Whatever your reasons for not helping him, do not make those the measure of your life with him. We are all only human, and we all slip up at times. Sometimes our slips are just at very unfortunate times. Rather take a good look at your whole relationship over the years. How many times were you there for him? How much do you really love him? How was your relationship with him? Use that to measure yourself. Most of us will quickly realize that we were there for our beloved when they needed us, and our feelings of guilt are not really founded. I hope you find peace.

[kristaleighbird]

Hi Louise,

I lost my Dad on June 11th of this year. It was very sudden, and it was totally unexpected. I can't imagine having to watch my father die(my mom had to), but I know that seeing him right after he died was hard enough. It was very very sudden and unexpected. What you have to realize about these things is that they are no one's fault. You're searching for reasons when there really are none. I catch myself doing the same thing, and it makes me crazy. I should have called him that Monday, I should have made him go to the doctor when he said he was hurting, there are all these things we should have done...but how could we possibly know? You're feelings are totally valid and I totally get it. If you ever need to or even just want to talk about what happened or how you're feeling, you can count on me.

[immissingyou]

All very good and valid advice, Louise. There's a point in most of our lives when we lose someone close to us and we question all of it - did they know they were loved, did I love them enough, etc. You have to realize it's part of the grieving process, the guilt, and forgive yourself. I am so very sorry for your loss and hope that with time it gets easier.