Why is Such A Happy Day So Sad

[shellbellsmom]

  Hello,

This is my first post but I have been reading yours for sometime.  Today should be so happy for me, it's my son's 21st birthday.  But last night minutes before midnight I couldn't help it and ended up having a major emotional breakdown.

My short story is… my daughter died last July 07 from complications from Leukemia after just a very short illness.  She had just finished her 4th year of college and had just come home for the summer when she turned ill.  38 days from diagnosis- she was dead. 

I had the perfect life; two wonderful children...a boy and one girl- a wonderful marriage, a nice house, my husband had a good job and we were very happy...then life threw us a curve ball and it hasn't been the same since.  Actually my new life is so depressing.  My son is away at college and my husband is very busy taking care of his brother who recently suffered a massive stroke.  

So why can't I just be happy for my son....because my daughter should be here celebrating with him.  She wouldn't have missed it- I cried for hours...and asked God why me over and over again.  She would have been so excited to have him finally turn of legal age.   I guess I didn’t expect to be so emotional on his birthday…I actually was caught off guard with it.  I feel it will never get any better.  As each passing month goes by I miss her that much more.  Does it ever get better?  

My daughter would have done a toast for my son- so I will have to do it for her;  A Birthday Toast for Matthew!

To wish you joy on your birthday

And all the whole year through,

For all the best that life can hold

Is none too good for you.

Here, here!

Love Mom, Dad and  Michelle

[kalimac]

I'm new here too. I'm so  sorry that you have had such a rough night and day. It's hard, I understand. I lost my 20 year old son one month ago to a rare and aggressive abdominal sarcoma. He was stage IV at diagnosis and fought his disease for three years. He was actually quite healthy for a cancer patient even though he had undergone months of high dose chemotherapy and three major surgeries. His quality of life was excellent until right before Christmas. Than it all caught up to him and his health declined rapidly. We finally brought him home on hospice around the first of February and he died in my arms 11 days later. So all of this is very new to me too. I miss him like crazy. Cancer sucks big time . . but this sucks too . . I wish I could give you a big hug!

Of course you are upset . . your baby girl should be there with her brother and with you and she is not. I hope that you do make a toast to her . . or perhaps buy a few balloons for your newly 21 year old son . . and write a note to your daughter, tie it to the balloon and let it float towards the heavens.

Be kind to yourself.

Hugs,

Patty

[wyomingsal]

Sending you hugs from someone who also lost a beloved child last July.  My oldest child (age 10) died July 20, 2007.   It seems that every event/birthday/holiday brings new sets of memories that we must grieve.  Those feelings seem to come crashing down on us without warning sometimes.  I am sad such a special occasion is riddled with grief of missing you precious daughter.  I know the day will be hard for him as well.  My first birthday without my son was agony.  All I could think of was that there was nothing to be happy about.  How can I celebrate without my precious son.  I put on a show for my living children, but how I hurt that day. 

Peace and blessings to you,

Sal 

[shellbellsmom]

Patty, The balloon idea sounded wonderful....we let pink balloons go at her funeral.  Thanks for the hugs....I know there will be many more days like this.

[shellbellsmom]

Sal thanks for the hugs as well- you lost your son the day before mine.  My daughter died on 7/21/07.  I am not looking forward to this summer or the 4th of July celebrations...  Thanks for your comments.

[mishelly561]

I'm so sorry for your loss. If you want to talk I will listen.

I won't tell you it will only get better. I heard those words over and over since my sons' passing. I use to get kind of irritated when people who had NO clue told me that like it was Ok.

I take it day by day and sometimes minute by minute. It will sneak up behind you and knock you off your feet with emotiion kind of like an oceans wave. It is good that you are at least writing about her to get it out. I just started really talkin about Chris in here because I really don't talk to anyone about him at work or at home.

I stand outside in the wind sometimes and feel like he is wraping himself around me. I remember when we were driving across the country to our new home. I was thinking about him and his friend he died with and it was nightime and I had started to tear up and then I saw the most two beautiful stars falling like it was Ok. I felt his love again for a few moments then started to cry. 

Keep going strong even at your weakest moment.

I'm here if you need someone~

Michelle

[heartbeataway]

Here! Here!  Happy Birthday Matthew!

Michelle & Matthews Mom,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Your loss is so very new that you have every right to be emotional.

Your comment about having the perfect life stood out to me.  My husband and I had a conversation about that very feeling just before our son, my only child suddenly, unexpectedly died in April.  I've cried everyday since.  Some days I am consumed with his loss. He was like air to me and I'm having trouble breathing.  I've said it over and over but it's the best analogy I can come up with. 

Grief is a permanent part of life now for us.  I also didn't understand why.  Why our little family?  Why our son?  Why?  How could we not know that his heart was dying?

You will get through this ...... There's a site called, I believe, "The Space Between Breaths".  There's a trailor to a movie that might prove helpful to you. If you can't find it, let me know and I will help. There's a mom in this clip that talks about how you'll think that she didn't love her child as much as you love yours, etc .....    In other words, she doesn't hurt as much as you do so she couldn't have loved her child as much as you feel that you love yours.  In saying this she's just trying to put into perspective the place we are in our respective journeys. It does get easier.  It doesn't go away ......... and there are days that that black cloud settles right on top of you. 

We were blessed with these precious creatures in our lives.  I will always be thankful that I was the lucky person to be Jason's Mom.  I wouldn't change that.  I will never understand. But, I will do my utmost to be the person that he would want me to be.

I'm not strong.  I've been in the trenches of grief and I've wanted to leave and find my son.  I have a husband who loves me dearly and gives me strength. I couldn't hurt him anymore.  His love for me and for Jason is my strength.

Okay,  I'm rambling............  I don't know if any of this is going to comfort or prove helpful to you.  Your loss is still so fresh.  Don't feel bad for grieving or missing your daughter on special occasions.  I'm not sure if that goes away.  We try to include Jason by having his picture displayed.  There's a book called, The Empty Chair by Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge that talke about handling holidays and special occasions after the loss of a loved one.

Enough!  I'm closing. 

Love from one grieving mom to another,  JasonH's Mom, Bonnie

 

[heartbeataway]

Michelle,

The wind hugging you, TWO falling stars............ and the always present tears....

Precious!  Thank you for sharing. I got goosebumps reading your posting.

JasonH's Mom, Bonnie

[veronicasmom]

My daughter Veronica was 29.  An abosulte delight.  We had arrived at a place where we were the best of friends.  Sure, the mom/daughter issues would occasionally surface but mostly we were best friends.  Sundays are always bad for me.  On Sunday, Oct. 14, 2007 she called me at ten, we chatted a bit then we had to go.  She called again at 10:16 am for something else and we finshed our chat with "I love you" and "I love you too, Mom".  Last words we would ever exchange.  Around 11:16 another call.  This time I could not understand her as she was screaming, slurring words, cyring.  Not being clear,  I jumped in the car to go to her house.  The whole time frantically dialing her cell.  Finally reaching her roomate who tells me they are in an ambulance and she is being intubated and to meet them at Spectrum.  No need to describe my state of mind.  Reached the hospital at the same time as the ambulance and my husband.  She had already gone into cardiac arrest once, then again when she was being examined.  Right in front of us.  Diagnosis:  cerebral hemorrage, brain aneurism.  Just like that.  No signs, no warnings at all.  This put her into a coma.    Some procedures were attempted, but to no avail and the neurologist told us we had to make the decision to disconnect or not.  Due to brain swelling and more hemorrages there was much damage to her brain.  The best outcome would have left her an invalid.  Blind, paralyzed on the right side, no language.  The neurologist did not expect her to live through another operation and told us if it was his wife or daughter he would let them go.  It's the worse decision a mother will ever have to make.   We will never forgive ourselves in a sense and I will live the rest  of my life wondering if we should have gone on and insisted on another operation.  She died October 17th at 8:00 pm surrounded by all who loved her the most.  And me holding her hand.  She was 29 years and 2 months.  

[shellbellsmom]

Bonnie, Michelle and Veronica's mom, thanks so much for the wonderful words of comfort.  Today is much better than yesterday...just because I actually made it through another day.

The sun was shining today (which in my area is very rare) and that made me think about the changing of seasons soon approching. I remember me taking pictures to show my daughter while she was in the hospital of our front flower garden all in bloom last June...I don't think I will enjoy my garden as I used to.

And now to get ready for bed...in hopes of a glimpse of my Michelle in my dreams...

Goodnight to all!

Sue (Michelle's Mom)

Veronica's mom- I think you are the lady that joined our support group last month at Hospice in GR (I remembered your story) I hope to see you later this month at it once again.