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I'm feeling so guilty about not wanting to see my mom die.


brookie613

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I am in such a dilemma. My mother (my best friend, my world) is in her final hours of dying from lung cancer that metastasized to her brain. I’ve been with her from the time of her diagnosis and four years later I am still by her side-until now. Lung cancer is a nasty disease and watching her struggling to breathe and gurgling is excruciating to watch, and I wonder..does she even want me there? She’s so independent and has said many times that she likes being alone but I was trying to be the good daughter and be with her like I've always been. After all, she said she wants a closed casket because she doesn’t want people to see her dead and to remember her how she was before. She decided that hospice wasn't for her and she wanted to die in a hospital. Is this because she didn't want be to find her dead? I’ve gone to the hospital for days on end to be with her but she still hasn’t passed (and the doctors are shocked-stubborn girl!). I was told today that she will probably pass today, yet I couldn’t bring myself to go there and I am feeling so much guilt from it. I just can’t see her like that anymore. Last night I said my goodbyes because they thought she was going to pass, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I don’t want to do it again. Yet, at the same time I can say I was there for her every step of the way, until now. I gave up my job, moved across the street from her to care for her for four years until she went into the hospital 2 weeks ago. She is the strongest woman I have ever known and she has beaten the odds…until now, and I’m struggling with it because I cannot be with her right now. Any thoughts?

Thanks for your support.

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Alexander Risten

Hi Kelly613,

You are a good daughter and what you are experiencing is absolutely normal. The guilt is part of the process. What you are experiencing is anticipatory grief. We do not realize it, but when a loved one becomes terminal we start struggling with grief - even before the person dies.The closer the reality of death the worse your emotional experience will be. The hard part of anticipatory grief is that you are emotionally drained even before your loved one dies. People struggling with sudden death do not experience this emotional drain beforehand.

As to you being a good daughter, we tend to define our role as child by the last few hours of our parents death. If we are present when they die, we are good children. If they die and we were not present, we see ourselves as not good children. You should rather measure yourself over the whole lifetime with your mother. It appears as if she is (was?) a very strong and independent woman, but that you had a good relationship. You supported her and you are there for her. A good daughter was there for her parents consistently. If you have always been there for your mother in the past, but emotionally you are struggling now, it does not make you a bad daughter. It makes you human. Emotionally you are overloaded by the reality of her death. It is normal to avoid her, but it is also normal to feel guilty. The hard part is that you will never know when she will finally die. I cannot advise you on what to do: should you force yourself to be there or not? I do not know, but even if you avoid her in the end, do not allow this to define you as daughter. Being a good daughter is more than being present at an horrible deathbed. You are in my prayers.

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I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner and hope it went as well as can be expected for you (though impossibly hard no matter what obviously). My thoughts? I think you should not feel guilty if you couldn't be there at "that moment" or weren't there on that particular day. You took care of her for FOUR YEARS! I know daughters who couldn't be bothered to do it at all. You can only endure so much; you're only human. Don't beat yourself up for that. Be fair to yourself. Best to you and hope to hear back from you -

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