Members Grieving Mom Posted September 23, 2012 Members Report Share Posted September 23, 2012 Hi all,My name is Anet, a newbie to this forum. I have read some of the posts and cannot absorb how many parents have gone through what i have. Jarod was born on 15 December 2005 (9 weeks prem) with cerebral palsy. He did so well, he managed to walk at the age of 2 and overcome many obstacles. His speech was severely affected, but he could babble away and talk to me in a way that only i could understand. *crying* - this is the first time i have actually put this down in words. On a very sunny Sunday morning, my little boy Jarod, 6 years old, was playing in and out the house. a House we have been living in for 6 years. Happy years for Jarod as he was raised in that house. Spent many days laughing, smiling and just being a little boy. (to type these words, is killing me) . I was busy in the house when i realized i could not hear him, so i said to my other 2 children and cousins at the time, do u see Jarod? After a No from all of them, i asked them to help me look. I walked outside, past the pool (with a net), all around the house and could not find him. It did not even cross my mind to look in the pool, because it had a net on and he also does not go near the pool as he is petrified of water. As i came back into the house, my brother's son screamed.......... and i knew!!!! OH GOD not him, pls not him. I ran to the pool and he was under the net???????? lying face down. All i remember is screaming and going absolutely crazy. WHY HIM, WHY HIM. My brother managed to get the pool net off and started CPR. His little cold lifeless body was just lying there. I kept praying, God please don't take him from me, he is my little precious boy. I have these flashes of the whole incident that i cannot get rid off. HE IS GONE and nothing i do or say will ever bring him back. I WILL never forgive myself for not saving him. After investigation, my brothers dog big a hole the size of a soccer ball in the corner of the pool. Jarod had a huge bruise on his forehead. I could never understand how he could fit through that hole, until we saw the bruise on his head. He was knocked unconscience and slipped through the hole.It has just been over a year and i cannot go through a day, missing him terribly. I pray every night, begging for his forgiveness. Mommy is so sorry she was not there. Mommy is so sorry that she did not look after you properly. How does a mother ever forgive herself for something like this.In the beginning my husband and i worked through it and he never blamed me once, which I'm not sure if i could have done the same, if i was in his shoes. At the moment, we just cannot get along. It feels like I'm in a time machine that never stops. I MISS him so much that some nights i just don't want to carry on anymore. I dream about my little Jarry often and its that moments that keep me going. I just need to hug him, love him, protect him and never let him go. Im afraid that my marriage is over and i think its all because i cannot forgive myself. Im sorry for the long message.Just glad i could put this in words.Miss you my precious little angelAnet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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