My precious Jarod

[Grieving Mom]

Hi all,

My name is Anet, a newbie to this forum. I have read some of the posts and cannot absorb how many parents have gone through what i have. Jarod was born on 15 December 2005 (9 weeks prem) with cerebral palsy. He did so well, he managed to walk at the age of 2 and overcome many obstacles. His speech was severely affected, but he could babble away and talk to me in a way that only i could understand. *crying* - this is the first time i have actually put this down in words.

On a very sunny Sunday morning, my little boy Jarod, 6 years old, was playing in and out the house. a House we have been living in for 6 years. Happy years for Jarod as he was raised in that house. Spent many days laughing, smiling and just being a little boy. (to type these words, is killing me) . I was busy in the house when i realized i could not hear him, so i said to my other 2 children and cousins at the time, do u see Jarod? After a No from all of them, i asked them to help me look. I walked outside, past the pool (with a net), all around the house and could not find him. It did not even cross my mind to look in the pool, because it had a net on and he also does not go near the pool as he is petrified of water. As i came back into the house, my brother's son screamed.......... and i knew!!!! OH GOD not him, pls not him. I ran to the pool and he was under the net???????? lying face down. All i remember is screaming and going absolutely crazy. WHY HIM, WHY HIM. My brother managed to get the pool net off and started CPR. His little cold lifeless body was just lying there. I kept praying, God please don't take him from me, he is my little precious boy. I have these flashes of the whole incident that i cannot get rid off. HE IS GONE and nothing i do or say will ever bring him back. I WILL never forgive myself for not saving him. After investigation, my brothers dog big a hole the size of a soccer ball in the corner of the pool. Jarod had a huge bruise on his forehead. I could never understand how he could fit through that hole, until we saw the bruise on his head. He was knocked unconscience and slipped through the hole.

It has just been over a year and i cannot go through a day, missing him terribly. I pray every night, begging for his forgiveness. Mommy is so sorry she was not there. Mommy is so sorry that she did not look after you properly. How does a mother ever forgive herself for something like this.

In the beginning my husband and i worked through it and he never blamed me once, which I'm not sure if i could have done the same, if i was in his shoes. At the moment, we just cannot get along. It feels like I'm in a time machine that never stops. I MISS him so much that some nights i just don't want to carry on anymore. I dream about my little Jarry often and its that moments that keep me going. I just need to hug him, love him, protect him and never let him go. Im afraid that my marriage is over and i think its all because i cannot forgive myself.

Im sorry for the long message.

Just glad i could put this in words.

Miss you my precious little angel

Anet

[Angel'sSon]

Anet, we are all here for the same reason. How to deal with the loss of a child. My son was 30 and I lost him on August 15th, 2012. He was my best friend!! I'm sorry for your loss. You blame yourself, but it's no one's fault. I will never understand the why of it all as I'm new to dealing with losing my son. Keep posting because this is a great site for help!!! I can just say that he is in Heaven and he is not blaming you!!! I know that's easier said than done. I want my son back so bad, but I know it's not going to happen. I stay in a daze and the thinking won't stop. There's no way you could have known that your son would go near that pool, just like there's no way that I could have prevented my son from pulling that trigger on that pistol. Just please keep posting!!!!!!! Angel

[Grieving Mom]

Thanks Angel. I am really really sorry to hear about your son. Im glad i found this site. My prayers and thoughts are with you. May tomorrow shine a new light on you and your family.

[Angel'sSon]

Anet, My prayers are with you too!!!! I have an appt. with a phychiatrist tomorrow, which a lot of people would never admit. I don't want to go, but I have to. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm going to lose it and that is scary!!! I'm not sure about anything right now!!!

[517958]

Oh Anet, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear son. I lost my 5 year old daughter Charlotte last July 6th when she also drowned in a swimming pool. I was at work and my husband took my 3 kids to the pool. When he stepped away to care for my baby, Charlotte got out of the pool and asked a woman that was there (another mother with kids in the pool) to remove her life jacket. The woman removed it and then didn't watch her. Somehow she ended up in the pool. I arrived sometime after they had airlifted her to the hospital to find the house crawling with police. I still sometimes can't believe that it is true. It's so terrible. I still blame myself for letting them go to the pool when I wasn't going to be there.

I've been going to counseling and it's helping a little bit. My counselor has said many times, as parents we aren't able to watch our children 100% of the time. No parent in the history of time has managed to raise a child to adulthood without taking our eyes off him or her several times a day (at least).

My husband was there and feels tremendous grief and guilt as well. He feels like he let Char down. He asked me for forgiveness that day in the emergency room and I told him I already forgave him and I was telling him the truth. I know he loved that little girl as much as I do and I know he'd never do anything to hurt her. It was easy to forgive him because I love him. I'm guessing it was easy for your husband to forgive you because he loves you.

I have to fight the bad feelings back when they creep into my head. The feelings that say I got the short end of the stick and now I should just lay down and die myself. But I KNOW in my heart that Charlotte's purpose in this world was not to make me the happiest person alive for 5 years and then leave me devastated for the next 50. I deserve to live a happy life. I want her to experience life through my eyes now and I can't do that with a heavy heart. There will always be sadness and loss there, but we have decided to make her loss a PART of our story and not the END of it. We also feel that it would be an additional tragedy for our marriage to end becuse of the first tragedy of her death. We decided almost right away not to let this ruin us both for our sake and for the sake of our surviving children who don't need any more tragedy in their lives.

Please try to forgive yourself. I'm assuming you don't have ESP and you didn't know this was going to happen and if you had known, you would have moved mountains to save him. I know I would have moved mountains to save my wonderful, beautiful little girl if I could. It has to be enough that we know we loved them and would have done anything to save them if we could. Please be good to yourself.

Also, please feel free to post about your Jarod on the Loss of an Adult Child thread. All grieving parents are welcomed there regardless of the age of their child.

[Grieving Mom]

Hi Angel, I am glad you are seeing someone - it does work differently for different people. For me it did not help - but i sincerely pray that it will help you in some way. Today is a little better than yesterday i must admit, but still feel numb inside. Hope you have a great day!! Anet

[Grieving Mom]

Hi Angela, thanks for commenting on my post. I am sincerely sorry about your little girl too. To loose a child is the worse pain a parent can experience. Ive lost a father and a brother and to me loosing my son was a pain i cannot describe. I wonder sometimes why did i see it all - would it have been better if i was not there - like you. I have these images that i cannot erase from my mind. When i close my eyes all i see is him floating in the pool. How do you get rid of these images? My other 2 children, age 19 and 14 was at the house when this all happened and they also been through a rough time. I have tried to be there for them as they have lost a brother, but i find myself bursting into tears when we talk about it. We do try and just think about the good times we had with my little Jarry and what joy he brought into our lives for those 5 1/2 years - if i only can get rid of these images.

I pray for forgiveness every day, and i understand that we cannot watch them all the time, but i feel as a mother i should have been there when he fell. He needed me and i wasn't there!!!!! I know that he is with the Lord now he is looking down on me saying "mommy I'm happy", but our selfish manner wants him back.

Hope you have a great day and may God bless you and your family.

Anet

[Angel'sSon]

Hi Angel, I am glad you are seeing someone - it does work differently for different people. For me it did not help - but i sincerely pray that it will help you in some way. Today is a little better than yesterday i must admit, but still feel numb inside. Hope you have a great day!! Anet

Anet, The main thing that my counselor told me was be patient with the grieving. Being angry at myself because I can't cry and I feel like people look at me different since my son did shoot himself in the head. Then I tried it also, because I got drunk and wanted to be with my son. She wanted me to consider going to group meetings and I told her no, that I'd found a grieving site that I don't have to be around people, but I can relate to each one here. Not to worry about what my family wants, as far as I need to get on with my life, because my son is gone!!!! different ones on this site have told me exactly what my counselor has told me. So, why do I need a counselor when the people here are helping me??? The word that sticks out in my mind is patience!!! Thanks, Anet