My Story...

[klyn001]

Hi all.

I'm new to this forum and hopefully joining will help me with what I'm going through..

To start, I'm a 23 year old female, living just outside of Toronto, ON. When I was born, my mother was really young and didn't think she could provide for me in the way that I deserved to.. so she pretty much "gave" me to my grandmother. I had lived with my grandmother my entire life. She took care of me, sent me to private school, enrolled me in extra curricular activities, etc. I never really had much contact with my mother, but this was my Dad's mom, so I saw my Dad all the time. Dad got remarried and now has 5 kids with my stepmom..

My grandma was pretty much my mom. We didn't always get along but at the end of the day she took care of me. She was a retired registered nurse. Last September, she got really sick and had to be hospitalized for almost two months. We found out that she had a disease called Amyloidosis. Amyloidosis is a disease where amyloid proteins are abnormally deposited in organs/tissues, and cause harm. I had to stop going to school full time so I could be at the hospital with her. For almost two months, I was there everyday. One day after class I walked in and the doctor took me in the corridor and told me that my grandma only had 3 months to live. I, of course, believed that to be bullshit.. she was sick but not that sick...I didn't think any doctor could possibly predict how long my grandma had left on this earth..

My grandma came home on November 12th, 2011, but it was different. We had a 24 hour nurse live with us, and other nurses would drop in ALL the time.. I was so used to it being just me and her.. the way it was for 22 years.

She was also hooked up to an oxygen tank. At that point she could still talk and everything, and I truly believed she would get better, despite what the doctor had told me. I had to travel for work one weekend. I left on a Friday. When I came back on the Sunday night, she couldn't talk anymore. She would try to, but she would always be gasping for air. That's when I knew it was going downhill. I tried to spend as much time with her as possible, but I could only handle so much.. once I felt that I had reached my threshold, I was out of there. Had to leave the house, make other plans, etc.

I remember two days before she passed away, I walked into her room, held her hand and thanked her for everything she had done for me. For taking care of me, putting me through school, etc. She opened her eyes and said to me, "I miss you." Those were the last words I heard from her.

Two days later, at around 4 pm in the afternoon, she passed away. I was holding her hand, and my best friend had come to visit. I noticed she wasn't moving.. I couldn't believe I had watched her pass away. This was January 27th, 2012. I thought that time was going to be the hardest for me, but it wasn't. I had friends and family around me all the time. I was never alone. I was also in what I believed to be an amazing relationship, and that helped me cope as well.

However, things are different now. I haven't gone to any kind of counseling and I know I probably should have. I live in the house we shared all by myself.. some days I wake up and don't feel like eating or cleaning.. I find it really hard to cope with the fact that she's not here anymore. I try to talk to my family about it and the only response I seem to get is, "We are all dealing with it".. .. It's different for me because I lived with her for 22.5 years .. it was just us two.

My "amazing" relationship ended and I associate my ex boyfriend with my grandma because we had just started dating when she passed away and he sort of "swooped" me up and took care of me when she died..

I'm having a hard time believing that someone who claimed to love me could break up with me knowing that I'm going through so much pain.

I've lost a lot of friendships. I find it really hard to trust people. I've been experimenting with some drugs here and there. Nothing crazy.. I know I should get help and talk to someone but I don't know where to start.

It's really hard for me to open up about the person my grandma was and how much she truly means to me. I don't know how to move forward. I feel like I don't know how to be happy, now that she is gone.

I'm angry, sad, hopeful, hopeless, etc.. everyone asks me how I'm doing and I try to take everything on all by myself so I just tell everyone that I'm okay.. but I'm not..

I'm avoiding going to my doctor because I don't want to be put on anti depressants. I don't need them-- grieving is all a part of feeling. I have my days where I am happy and feel good, but I also have brutal days that I feel sluggish and really depressed.. I miss her a lot...

I just don't know how to move forward.. if anyone has any advice on how to take the first steps to talking to someone and getting help, please share.

Sorry for the novel.

Thanks for reading.

-Kori

[ModKonnie]

Hi all.

I'm new to this forum and hopefully joining will help me with what I'm going through..

To start, I'm a 23 year old female, living just outside of Toronto, ON. When I was born, my mother was really young and didn't think she could provide for me in the way that I deserved to.. so she pretty much "gave" me to my grandmother. I had lived with my grandmother my entire life. She took care of me, sent me to private school, enrolled me in extra curricular activities, etc. I never really had much contact with my mother, but this was my Dad's mom, so I saw my Dad all the time. Dad got remarried and now has 5 kids with my stepmom..

My grandma was pretty much my mom. We didn't always get along but at the end of the day she took care of me. She was a retired registered nurse. Last September, she got really sick and had to be hospitalized for almost two months. We found out that she had a disease called Amyloidosis. Amyloidosis is a disease where amyloid proteins are abnormally deposited in organs/tissues, and cause harm. I had to stop going to school full time so I could be at the hospital with her. For almost two months, I was there everyday. One day after class I walked in and the doctor took me in the corridor and told me that my grandma only had 3 months to live. I, of course, believed that to be bullshit.. she was sick but not that sick...I didn't think any doctor could possibly predict how long my grandma had left on this earth..

My grandma came home on November 12th, 2011, but it was different. We had a 24 hour nurse live with us, and other nurses would drop in ALL the time.. I was so used to it being just me and her.. the way it was for 22 years.

She was also hooked up to an oxygen tank. At that point she could still talk and everything, and I truly believed she would get better, despite what the doctor had told me. I had to travel for work one weekend. I left on a Friday. When I came back on the Sunday night, she couldn't talk anymore. She would try to, but she would always be gasping for air. That's when I knew it was going downhill. I tried to spend as much time with her as possible, but I could only handle so much.. once I felt that I had reached my threshold, I was out of there. Had to leave the house, make other plans, etc.

I remember two days before she passed away, I walked into her room, held her hand and thanked her for everything she had done for me. For taking care of me, putting me through school, etc. She opened her eyes and said to me, "I miss you." Those were the last words I heard from her.

Two days later, at around 4 pm in the afternoon, she passed away. I was holding her hand, and my best friend had come to visit. I noticed she wasn't moving.. I couldn't believe I had watched her pass away. This was January 27th, 2012. I thought that time was going to be the hardest for me, but it wasn't. I had friends and family around me all the time. I was never alone. I was also in what I believed to be an amazing relationship, and that helped me cope as well.

However, things are different now. I haven't gone to any kind of counseling and I know I probably should have. I live in the house we shared all by myself.. some days I wake up and don't feel like eating or cleaning.. I find it really hard to cope with the fact that she's not here anymore. I try to talk to my family about it and the only response I seem to get is, "We are all dealing with it".. .. It's different for me because I lived with her for 22.5 years .. it was just us two.

My "amazing" relationship ended and I associate my ex boyfriend with my grandma because we had just started dating when she passed away and he sort of "swooped" me up and took care of me when she died..

I'm having a hard time believing that someone who claimed to love me could break up with me knowing that I'm going through so much pain.

I've lost a lot of friendships. I find it really hard to trust people. I've been experimenting with some drugs here and there. Nothing crazy.. I know I should get help and talk to someone but I don't know where to start.

It's really hard for me to open up about the person my grandma was and how much she truly means to me. I don't know how to move forward. I feel like I don't know how to be happy, now that she is gone.

I'm angry, sad, hopeful, hopeless, etc.. everyone asks me how I'm doing and I try to take everything on all by myself so I just tell everyone that I'm okay.. but I'm not..

I'm avoiding going to my doctor because I don't want to be put on anti depressants. I don't need them-- grieving is all a part of feeling. I have my days where I am happy and feel good, but I also have brutal days that I feel sluggish and really depressed.. I miss her a lot...

I just don't know how to move forward.. if anyone has any advice on how to take the first steps to talking to someone and getting help, please share.

Sorry for the novel.

Thanks for reading.

-Kori

Kori,

I am so very sorry about your loss of your grandma. It sounds as though some professional help or even some self help groups (like a grief and loss meeting) could help you sort through your struggles. I am glad you found that drugs are not the answer to your problems. It is better to experience the ups and down, the highs and lows of grieving than to numb it all away.

You have lost your mother, (regardless of what she "officially" was, she was your mom). You have experienced a profound, life altering experience. It is going to take tome to come to terms with this. Missing her is very normal, as are your "rollercoaster" emotions. Continue to talk about her, and continue to share with others the story of her, you and her and your loss.

You have begun to take the first steps forward. You came here and asked for support. That's a first step. You've recognized you need to be doing this. Are you working or going to school? What do you do to fill your days?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[klyn001]

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. That means a lot!

I work full time, I'm a server/bartender, so that definitely keeps me going everyday. I took time off school when my grandma was sick because I wanted to be there for her.. I am planning to start again in January.. I am only 3 semesters away from completing my degree and I really want to get it done... but I also want to make sure that I'm feeling good about going back as well. It would suck to go back and not do well.

Other than working, I do spend a lot of time with friends and family, however like I mentioned, it's really hard for me to open up to anyone about what I'm feeling because I try to deal with it on my own... hopefully that will change sometime soon.

It's just so hard to stop thinking about her.. I keep going back to the day she passed away and the memories just play over and over in my head.. I know she's not suffering anymore and that makes me feel a little better.

Kori,

I am so very sorry about your loss of your grandma. It sounds as though some professional help or even some self help groups (like a grief and loss meeting) could help you sort through your struggles. I am glad you found that drugs are not the answer to your problems. It is better to experience the ups and down, the highs and lows of grieving than to numb it all away.

You have lost your mother, (regardless of what she "officially" was, she was your mom). You have experienced a profound, life altering experience. It is going to take tome to come to terms with this. Missing her is very normal, as are your "rollercoaster" emotions. Continue to talk about her, and continue to share with others the story of her, you and her and your loss.

You have begun to take the first steps forward. You came here and asked for support. That's a first step. You've recognized you need to be doing this. Are you working or going to school? What do you do to fill your days?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[monette922]

Dear Kori,

I am indeed sorry for the loss of your grandmother/mom. I can relate to your story as my great-grandmother (my dad's grandmother) lived with us when I was about 12. She slept with me and I remember she always slept with her head at the foot of the bed and kept her feet on her pillow. Everytime I turned over, I had her feet in my face and I would be so irritated. When she passed away, I felt so bad and I cried and prayed for her. There are still things I remember learning from her.

I have been a member here for several years but only recently began to participate. I have dealt with grief all my life and I am now 77 years old! I am a member of The Compassionate Friends group for child loss, and I have my own group for Christian Grief Support and Friendship. I mostly counsel one on one through Yahoo Messenger and other Messengers. You can find me by my member name "Monette922". I also love the chat room here so check it out sometime. I look forward to meeting you.

God bless you,

Memaw

[klyn001]

Hi Memaw,

Thanks so much for your reply. It is so great that you have experienced a lot and you can use your experience to help others. I will definitely check out the chat.

Thanks so much! God Bless, xox

Dear Kori,

I am indeed sorry for the loss of your grandmother/mom. I can relate to your story as my great-grandmother (my dad's grandmother) lived with us when I was about 12. She slept with me and I remember she always slept with her head at the foot of the bed and kept her feet on her pillow. Everytime I turned over, I had her feet in my face and I would be so irritated. When she passed away, I felt so bad and I cried and prayed for her. There are still things I remember learning from her.

I have been a member here for several years but only recently began to participate. I have dealt with grief all my life and I am now 77 years old! I am a member of The Compassionate Friends group for child loss, and I have my own group for Christian Grief Support and Friendship. I mostly counsel one on one through Yahoo Messenger and other Messengers. You can find me by my member name "Monette922". I also love the chat room here so check it out sometime. I look forward to meeting you.

God bless you,

Memaw

[momof12minus1]

Hi Kori,

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart hurts that you are so young and dealing with this great grief. Know that you have someone thinking of hoping you will find that special older person that can help you in your journey.