One Year Ago

[mrsduc]

Year ago today I was getting ready to fly back from a week being with Robert in CA. I remember the last time I ever saw him alive and it was the night one year ago tonight that he drove me to the airport and he was balling so, like a baby. He did not want me to go and I just told him it would be alright and I loved him but that I had to go. I did not cry but I was breaking inside. I wanted so badly to turn around and stay, if only for a couple more days. I think of that now since Robert died and wonder if it would of changed his mind. Because that is when he went down hill after that. I know he was very lonely and felt so lost after I left. I was the only one of his family members that had ever come to see him out west and I think it hurt him so when I left because when you live by yourself for so long and have some what of a life and then someone comes to visit and then leaves that is when you realize how alone you really are. And Robert was not equipped because of the grandparents to make it on his own. And neither our my other two boys, but Robert was alot like me, very sensitive and took everything and personnal and took on everyones problems and held them as his own. I know this because I have done this all my life. I am trying very hard not to get swept into others problems because I know that I do not have the strength or energy to take it all on. I miss Robert so much but I am doing better than I was. I will always miss him I know this. My sister told me that I should be so much further along with my grieving of him by now and that I choose to be in the place that I am in. I was able to tell her with some anger that I do not choose to be so down and hurting and depressing to be around. And so I have decided that I do not need people in my life that cannot be there even if I am not healing in their timeline. I just can't do it. I was alright for her when I was listening to her grieving last year for this boyfriend that died that beat her and treated her so badly but she loved him. I was therre for her and listened and consoled her and never tried to say bad things about him like I did when he was alive.

My puppies are bringing us so much joy. My son Chris who is the father of my granddaughter has now removed me from her life again because his wife is made at me for posting a picture on my FB page back on Kylie's birthday party on July 14th and she decided she did not like it this past Saturday. It was a picture that my husband took of me holding my chihuahua Nikki that they refuse to give back to me. But I was looking down at her while holding her with this loving look and she was looking at the camera almost with a smile on her face. I just wrote that it will be one of the worse decisions that I made that I will have to live with the rest of my life. And I would love to have her home and I know she would love to be too. Well Chris's wife wrote that I was rude and I hurt her feelings and she did not know that my dog could whisper to me. So I called Chris on Monday to talk to him and he was so mad at me and I spoke to both of them and she said I thought we were going to forget the past and stop bringing up that they won't give her back to me. I just kept saying I was sorry and then I said I cannot walk on eggshells all the time around both of them and I started to cry and I told Chris that I better get off because I was crying and he hung up the phone. I tried to call again but he would not answer. Just so fed up with this. I don't know how to be apart of my son and granddaughters life when they won't try to let me in. So I cannot keep having my heart hurt all the time. I knew back when he was taken from me that the bond would be gone from his end. And there was nothing that I could do about it. It jsut breaks my heart so much. To me the most important thing is having family and that is all I ever wanted all my life and that is the one thing that I never seem to have. I just have me and my husband as family and no one else. It just has to be enough and I have to convience myself that it is. SO far that has not worked.