My beautiul mother

[breadandcircuses]

Hello everyone. I feel I have lost my 81-year-old mother twice. She fell and suffered traumatic brain injury on August 27. We had her respirator removed on August 31 and she stopped breathing in Hospice at 8:20 a.m. on September 1. It's probably not important but I feel she died on both those days. I spoke with a Hospice counselor yesterday and she advised that I not attend a support group for three months. She explained why but I don't remember what she said. I don't remember a lot of what people say. I now have to take care of my 90-year-old father long distance. Mom took care of everything. He doesn't know how to make a long distance phone call or use a calculator, for two examples. He wants to move to be close to me but my parents' best friends of over 50 years think he will do better where he is. In addition, my father and I no longer communicate with my one brother so this all falls on me. I've been panicky and every thing reminds me of my mother. We both loved to read and I can't imagine ever enjoying reading again. I was planning on going down to visit her in the next month or two and now that will not happen. She loved me more than everyone else combined and I don't feel worthy of that love. I could have been so much better. I could have called every day though I did email almost every day. I ache that she had to go through so much pain with my brother. I'm afraid I'll forget to pay an important bill or fill out a necessary form that will penalize my father in some way. I'm afraid I will become more afraid as time passes. I don't want to leave the house, go to work, take care of my gardens, nothing. My animals and foster animals are the only motivation I have. Yesterday one bad thing on top of another happened and I became hysterical. A very good friend calmed me down and helped me with the things that needed immediate attention. My counselor said it could be a year of grieving and that scares the hell out of me. There is no spirituality in me and so it is all hard reality with no belief in strength from gods or comfort that there is any sort of afterlife. She is gone forever. Does anyone have any words of encouragement for me? Thank you.

[josephtmacgregor]

Hi breadandcircuses (I like your username, by the way),

I normally post under Loss of a Sibling because it is the loss of one of my younger brothers that motivated me to find a site like this... It has been about 20 years since each of my parents passed away, but when I read your post I could sense your pain and just felt like I should/could respond and relate. First off, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Moms are very special people and unfortunately I know the pain of losing a mother. I was 35 when our mother died, and it shook me to the core. I was the last person in our family to see her alive, which also made me feel all sorts of guilt and other emotions, as her death was sudden and unexpected.

I can relate to what you write about losing your mother twice. This was not the case with either of my parents' deaths, but with my brother's- he had brain tumors so it was very much the case that we lost "him" before we actually physically lost him. I struggle to this day, and I know my siblings feel this as well, because it was very confusing. It was like dealing with 2 different people sometimes, and when he died it felt like we were mourning twice over.

I'm sorry that you are not in touch with your brother. That would certainly complicate things for you, as you try to adapt to the situation of taking care of your dad long-distance, as you wrote. I obviously do not know the situation, though we had a similar issue in our family that has since been resolved, but I do hope for your sake and for the sake of everyone involved that in the future there may be reconciliation, so that you do not have to shoulder this burden alone. Grief is a heavy weight to bear, and when you are being relied upon to take care of others, it can only serve to complicate the grief and lessen your own ability to cope. This is a mistake I made with my most recent loss...make sure to take the time and space that you need to grieve. There is no "normal" with grief, and the one guarantee that I seem to hear/read is that you will grieve for longer than you expect. I think that is definitely true. I feel I have sufficiently grieved for my parents now, but not so for my brother. A lot of that has to do with my position and state of life at the time when the losses occurred. So especially because you are trying to now take care of your father, I would just say be sure to pace yourself. And don't be afraid to feel what you are feeling. By that I mean, if yuo feel the need to cry, cry. Even if you're in the grocery store and some memory strikes...I've learned that humans are generally pretty compassionate. Sometimes stupid, yes, and often they say the wrong thing, but people can also be more understanding than you would expect if you just allow yourself to be honest with yourself during this grief process.

If you deal with the feelings as they come, you will find that as time goes on, the sharpness of the pain begins to dull. There will always be a slight ache when you think of the reality that that person is no longer alive anymore and that no amount of hoping can bring them back in their physical form.....but it just takes time to get to that point. I think the first six months after a loss are still a period of great shock. The rest of that first year after a loss, things are intensely painful. The second year after loss, the reality sets in, many "firsts" have come and gone, and life begins to take on a new rhythm without that person. Family traditions are altered a bit, and sometimes new traditions--to honor the person who has died--are begun.

I would maybe ask that hospice counselor for her reasoning again, because in my opinion attending a support group would seem to be beneficial. Maybe the counselor is just thinking that you need time to process the loss, and that is certainly something to take into account before deciding to join a support group. But if nothing else, individual grief counseling may be something to look into. Hospices especially tend to have good services for the whole family after a loss and they may have materials you can read (when you feel up to it) about grief and other peoples' experiences going through similar losses.

So, do keep your chin up, and just take comfort in knowing that there really is no one way to grieve, and in time you will be able to adjust to the "new normal" of life after loss. Take care,

Joe

[BreathofAngel]

Hello everyone. I feel I have lost my 81-year-old mother twice. She fell and suffered traumatic brain injury on August 27. We had her respirator removed on August 31 and she stopped breathing in Hospice at 8:20 a.m. on September 1. It's probably not important but I feel she died on both those days. I spoke with a Hospice counselor yesterday and she advised that I not attend a support group for three months. She explained why but I don't remember what she said. I don't remember a lot of what people say. I now have to take care of my 90-year-old father long distance. Mom took care of everything. He doesn't know how to make a long distance phone call or use a calculator, for two examples. He wants to move to be close to me but my parents' best friends of over 50 years think he will do better where he is. In addition, my father and I no longer communicate with my one brother so this all falls on me. I've been panicky and every thing reminds me of my mother. We both loved to read and I can't imagine ever enjoying reading again. I was planning on going down to visit her in the next month or two and now that will not happen. She loved me more than everyone else combined and I don't feel worthy of that love. I could have been so much better. I could have called every day though I did email almost every day. I ache that she had to go through so much pain with my brother. I'm afraid I'll forget to pay an important bill or fill out a necessary form that will penalize my father in some way. I'm afraid I will become more afraid as time passes. I don't want to leave the house, go to work, take care of my gardens, nothing. My animals and foster animals are the only motivation I have. Yesterday one bad thing on top of another happened and I became hysterical. A very good friend calmed me down and helped me with the things that needed immediate attention. My counselor said it could be a year of grieving and that scares the hell out of me. There is no spirituality in me and so it is all hard reality with no belief in strength from gods or comfort that there is any sort of afterlife. She is gone forever. Does anyone have any words of encouragement for me? Thank you.

Warmest greetings to you dear friend, I am very sorry for the physical loss of your dear Mother. I know that a Mother is literally everything and every treasure a son or daughter could ever hope to possess. The love and comfort that a Mother gives to you is incomparable to anything else. She is the one who carries you for nine months right under her loving heart and gives you love that is so pure, and true and beautiful. Again, it cannot be compared with any other person's love.

It is very difficult to find oneself alone when a Mother passes. Yet there are no mistakes in life. Each person has so many years and sometimes much less of life but what one can certainly treasure forever are the sweet memories they both had together as that is something no one can ever take away from you.

You say "There is no spirituality in me and so it is all hard reality with no belief in strength from gods or comfort that there is any sort of afterlife. She is gone forever. Does anyone have any words of encouragement for me? Thank you."

I want for you to know, first and foremost, that I do not stand in judgment of you, dearheart. But one must also realize that we are not self-created. Therefore, the strength that we surely need, especially in times like these when we lose a beloved parent is simply not there unless we look to He who created us and who can give us that strength and that is God. Perhaps the concept of believing in God is difficult for some people. Yet at the hour of their passing it will be very comforting to know that there is a God who will see them cross over into eternal life because eternal life is a fact that exists and many who had NDE's (Near-Death Experiences) and I'm talking about Millions of people across the world, came back from that state of realization to tell us that there indeed is a beautiful and most wonderful Afterlife where we will get to see our loved ones in spirit. Even many very learned men, doctors and clergy, accept the fact that when we pass-on from this world that is not the end.

And your Mother is not gone forever. However, that she is gone forever may be what your own mind wants you to believe or perhaps others would want for you to believe that but there are just too many in the world who would readily say otherwise. When we pass-on, from this life, that is not going to be a state whereby we just fade to black and that's it. What actually happens is that we will shed our physical body that may be tired, old, sick, etc. and we will immediately step into our Spiritual Body! And that body is ETERNAL as promised by God! That is what is so beautiful about the continuation of life! And the One who makes it all possible is God. He knows each and every person better than we know ourselves. He knows our thoughts, our desires, our hurts, our pain, because He made us and we are His children. And He is the sweet balm that can soothe that pain with His Divine presence in our life! That is why we are able to gain Strength. Through God All Things Are Possible! Truly we can move mountains (the heavy troubles and problems) that we face when we have God and His Divine Son Jesus Christ by our side. God IS our fortress and our Strength.

But when one is predisposed to not believe that, then the problems can only build more and yet more throughout time. Then what do we have? Nothing. We would find ourselves all alone in a world where all we have to look forward to is darkness and the void. And what kind of HOPE lies in that? I can tell you there is no hope in that! The beautiful Hope is in knowing Jesus Christ as our LORD and Savior! The fact that He died for our sins and then resurrected in order to Save Us and to guarantee that we will be with Him on our day of passing, is what keeps Christians motivated to go on. He is Our Strength, Our Guide, Our Protector, Our Hope, and Our Salvation! I could not imagine going even one day without God in my life! That would be the equivalent to seeing myself all alone all the time without the hope of finding the nurturing light and love that can only come from God, Our Creator.

One need not ever fear for anything when one is with God.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." -- 2 TIMOTHY 1:7 (KJV)

You asked for words of encouragement, dear one, and I hope that I have brought you some comfort so that you will truly know that you do not have to face life alone without your Mother and that there is true Hope in Jesus! One has free will to choose to be alone or to follow and serve God. God will not twist your arm to believe in Him. But He is ever grateful to those who do! When they accept Him into their life, people will find the change that they had always wanted and anticipated would happen. It is the most beautiful feeling of all to be part of the family of God whereby you will KNOW that you are not alone now nor will you be when your time is up and you must leave this world for the next one. So, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask! I, as undoubtedly many others, do not want for you to feel or be alone especially at this time. But neither would I want for you to be all alone for eternity when your time comes up and you find that you are not with God. Why take that risk? Things can start to CHANGE Today!

If there are others reading this and want to become Born Again, that is to give your life to Jesus Christ and follow Him and know that you will be Saved at your appointed time, the following prayer will help you to achieve that goal! This prayer is to be Spoken Out Loud.

"Heavenly Father, I come to thee with contrite heart as I am a sinner who acknowledges my sins. I ask for your forgiveness and also come forth to declare that I believe that Jesus Christ is the most beloved and only Son of God. I believe that He was crucified, died, and was buried but arose on the third day through God and sits in eternal glory with you, Almighty God. I thank you for coming into my life, LORD Jesus Christ, and I will follow you all the days of my life. Amen."

For those who have said this prayer with meaning in their heart, you need have no fear when you pass-on as you have been Saved! This truly is a life-changing prayer that has helped so many non-believers become a new member of the family of Christ. Blessed are they forever!

May God bless you, dear one, and guide you to find the Strength that you are searching for and the Hope that can only come from Him to embrace and guide you always in your life!

[breadandcircuses]

Thank you, Joe, for your reply. And I am sorry for your loss. I get so panicky sometimes. Like I can't think about never seeing her again. I know I need to take it hour by hour but I'm so scared when I can't let it go. My mind flits from one thought to the next. I try to tell myself that she knows nothing about how I am feeling and then I jump to my own selfishness that I need her to be here for me and I know that she won't ever be here again. And there is so much to take care of. I tried to do some things today and way about 50% successful but I had to take time to cry after each phone call. I have promised myself that I will call my father every night and I have kept that pr0mse but I dread it. He has a grief I will not understand but he is very selfish, as well. He says he has so much to do. What does he have to do? Make the bed and wash the dishes. Do the laundry and go food shopping once or twice a week. I spend hours a day on all the crap that needs to be done now that my mother is gone. I'm just so scared.

Hi breadandcircuses (I like your username, by the way),

I normally post under Loss of a Sibling because it is the loss of one of my younger brothers that motivated me to find a site like this... It has been about 20 years since each of my parents passed away, but when I read your post I could sense your pain and just felt like I should/could respond and relate. First off, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Moms are very special people and unfortunately I know the pain of losing a mother. I was 35 when our mother died, and it shook me to the core. I was the last person in our family to see her alive, which also made me feel all sorts of guilt and other emotions, as her death was sudden and unexpected.

I can relate to what you write about losing your mother twice. This was not the case with either of my parents' deaths, but with my brother's- he had brain tumors so it was very much the case that we lost "him" before we actually physically lost him. I struggle to this day, and I know my siblings feel this as well, because it was very confusing. It was like dealing with 2 different people sometimes, and when he died it felt like we were mourning twice over.

I'm sorry that you are not in touch with your brother. That would certainly complicate things for you, as you try to adapt to the situation of taking care of your dad long-distance, as you wrote. I obviously do not know the situation, though we had a similar issue in our family that has since been resolved, but I do hope for your sake and for the sake of everyone involved that in the future there may be reconciliation, so that you do not have to shoulder this burden alone. Grief is a heavy weight to bear, and when you are being relied upon to take care of others, it can only serve to complicate the grief and lessen your own ability to cope. This is a mistake I made with my most recent loss...make sure to take the time and space that you need to grieve. There is no "normal" with grief, and the one guarantee that I seem to hear/read is that you will grieve for longer than you expect. I think that is definitely true. I feel I have sufficiently grieved for my parents now, but not so for my brother. A lot of that has to do with my position and state of life at the time when the losses occurred. So especially because you are trying to now take care of your father, I would just say be sure to pace yourself. And don't be afraid to feel what you are feeling. By that I mean, if yuo feel the need to cry, cry. Even if you're in the grocery store and some memory strikes...I've learned that humans are generally pretty compassionate. Sometimes stupid, yes, and often they say the wrong thing, but people can also be more understanding than you would expect if you just allow yourself to be honest with yourself during this grief process.

If you deal with the feelings as they come, you will find that as time goes on, the sharpness of the pain begins to dull. There will always be a slight ache when you think of the reality that that person is no longer alive anymore and that no amount of hoping can bring them back in their physical form.....but it just takes time to get to that point. I think the first six months after a loss are still a period of great shock. The rest of that first year after a loss, things are intensely painful. The second year after loss, the reality sets in, many "firsts" have come and gone, and life begins to take on a new rhythm without that person. Family traditions are altered a bit, and sometimes new traditions--to honor the person who has died--are begun.

I would maybe ask that hospice counselor for her reasoning again, because in my opinion attending a support group would seem to be beneficial. Maybe the counselor is just thinking that you need time to process the loss, and that is certainly something to take into account before deciding to join a support group. But if nothing else, individual grief counseling may be something to look into. Hospices especially tend to have good services for the whole family after a loss and they may have materials you can read (when you feel up to it) about grief and other peoples' experiences going through similar losses.

So, do keep your chin up, and just take comfort in knowing that there really is no one way to grieve, and in time you will be able to adjust to the "new normal" of life after loss. Take care,

Joe

[breadandcircuses]

Thank you for your kinds words, Breath of Angel. Patricia

Warmest greetings to you dear friend, I am very sorry for the physical loss of your dear Mother. I know that a Mother is literally everything and every treasure a son or daughter could ever hope to possess. The love and comfort that a Mother gives to you is incomparable to anything else. She is the one who carries you for nine months right under her loving heart and gives you love that is so pure, and true and beautiful. Again, it cannot be compared with any other person's love.

It is very difficult to find oneself alone when a Mother passes. Yet there are no mistakes in life. Each person has so many years and sometimes much less of life but what one can certainly treasure forever are the sweet memories they both had together as that is something no one can ever take away from you.

You say "There is no spirituality in me and so it is all hard reality with no belief in strength from gods or comfort that there is any sort of afterlife. She is gone forever. Does anyone have any words of encouragement for me? Thank you."

I want for you to know, first and foremost, that I do not stand in judgment of you, dearheart. But one must also realize that we are not self-created. Therefore, the strength that we surely need, especially in times like these when we lose a beloved parent is simply not there unless we look to He who created us and who can give us that strength and that is God. Perhaps the concept of believing in God is difficult for some people. Yet at the hour of their passing it will be very comforting to know that there is a God who will see them cross over into eternal life because eternal life is a fact that exists and many who had NDE's (Near-Death Experiences) and I'm talking about Millions of people across the world, came back from that state of realization to tell us that there indeed is a beautiful and most wonderful Afterlife where we will get to see our loved ones in spirit. Even many very learned men, doctors and clergy, accept the fact that when we pass-on from this world that is not the end.

And your Mother is not gone forever. However, that she is gone forever may be what your own mind wants you to believe or perhaps others would want for you to believe that but there are just too many in the world who would readily say otherwise. When we pass-on, from this life, that is not going to be a state whereby we just fade to black and that's it. What actually happens is that we will shed our physical body that may be tired, old, sick, etc. and we will immediately step into our Spiritual Body! And that body is ETERNAL as promised by God! That is what is so beautiful about the continuation of life! And the One who makes it all possible is God. He knows each and every person better than we know ourselves. He knows our thoughts, our desires, our hurts, our pain, because He made us and we are His children. And He is the sweet balm that can soothe that pain with His Divine presence in our life! That is why we are able to gain Strength. Through God All Things Are Possible! Truly we can move mountains (the heavy troubles and problems) that we face when we have God and His Divine Son Jesus Christ by our side. God IS our fortress and our Strength.

But when one is predisposed to not believe that, then the problems can only build more and yet more throughout time. Then what do we have? Nothing. We would find ourselves all alone in a world where all we have to look forward to is darkness and the void. And what kind of HOPE lies in that? I can tell you there is no hope in that! The beautiful Hope is in knowing Jesus Christ as our LORD and Savior! The fact that He died for our sins and then resurrected in order to Save Us and to guarantee that we will be with Him on our day of passing, is what keeps Christians motivated to go on. He is Our Strength, Our Guide, Our Protector, Our Hope, and Our Salvation! I could not imagine going even one day without God in my life! That would be the equivalent to seeing myself all alone all the time without the hope of finding the nurturing light and love that can only come from God, Our Creator.

One need not ever fear for anything when one is with God.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." -- 2 TIMOTHY 1:7 (KJV)

You asked for words of encouragement, dear one, and I hope that I have brought you some comfort so that you will truly know that you do not have to face life alone without your Mother and that there is true Hope in Jesus! One has free will to choose to be alone or to follow and serve God. God will not twist your arm to believe in Him. But He is ever grateful to those who do! When they accept Him into their life, people will find the change that they had always wanted and anticipated would happen. It is the most beautiful feeling of all to be part of the family of God whereby you will KNOW that you are not alone now nor will you be when your time is up and you must leave this world for the next one. So, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask! I, as undoubtedly many others, do not want for you to feel or be alone especially at this time. But neither would I want for you to be all alone for eternity when your time comes up and you find that you are not with God. Why take that risk? Things can start to CHANGE Today!

If there are others reading this and want to become Born Again, that is to give your life to Jesus Christ and follow Him and know that you will be Saved at your appointed time, the following prayer will help you to achieve that goal! This prayer is to be Spoken Out Loud.

"Heavenly Father, I come to thee with contrite heart as I am a sinner who acknowledges my sins. I ask for your forgiveness and also come forth to declare that I believe that Jesus Christ is the most beloved and only Son of God. I believe that He was crucified, died, and was buried but arose on the third day through God and sits in eternal glory with you, Almighty God. I thank you for coming into my life, LORD Jesus Christ, and I will follow you all the days of my life. Amen."

For those who have said this prayer with meaning in their heart, you need have no fear when you pass-on as you have been Saved! This truly is a life-changing prayer that has helped so many non-believers become a new member of the family of Christ. Blessed are they forever!

May God bless you, dear one, and guide you to find the Strength that you are searching for and the Hope that can only come from Him to embrace and guide you always in your life!