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i thought it was over


msunderstood

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next week is my "would of been" due date. I really thought that i was over it. It's september and it happen in january. I don't really didn't think i was still hurting like this. I 've put it off right when it happen. that i kind of forgot about it. i was telling myself that it was only 6 weeks and i didn't hear the heartbeat soooooo... it shouldn't hurt so bad. now, i look up ( 8 months later ) it hit like a ton of bricks. i have no friends and my family barely speaks to me. i've pushed everyone away. my partner she's pretty much out the door as well. nobody wants to be around me . i'm soooo mean all the time. i've become very evil and selfish. idk what happen to me. i don't eat, i can't sleep, ive thought about killing myself also. The pain and the anger is so deep i dont know what to do anymore. i have no options at all. i just want to be free for this heartache and pain. why me?

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I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. I've never had a miscarriage so I don’t know what that’s like but I lost my 5 year old daughter Charlotte 14 months ago when she drowned in a swimming pool while I was at work. I often ask WHY??? This feels like a life sentence that has been handed down to me and I know I never did anything bad enough to be given this punishment. Since I’ve been on the journey that I never wanted to take, I have met so many wonderful people that have lost children, including babies, and none of them deserved this either. Unfortunately, this world is imperfect and bad stuff happens – even to people that didn’t deserve it. I also have to fight every day to not become bitter over her loss. Mostly I fight this because I have 2 other children who deserve to have a whole mother instead of a broken victim. We’ve been striving to make Char’s death a PART of our story and not the END of it. It’s something I have to work at every day but I do it because I know her purpose on this earth was not to make me miserable for the rest of my life. I deserve to be happy and so do you. Ultimately you are the one that will decide to be happy. I’m not saying you have to do that now – it happens when you are ready. I’m also not saying that deciding to be happy means you forget. You’ll always think of that baby and what was supposed to be. There will be milestones missed all along the way that will hurt your heart and tear it open all over again. Know that you are not alone on this journey. I’m sorry you’re here but you’re not alone.

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On August 15th, 2012, my 30 year old son shot himself in the head with a gun. He had a great job, a wife and beautiful baby girl, 9 months old. He had started drinking recently and never gave anyone a sign that there was anything wrong. He was my best friend. I'm really having a hard time with this. I just need to hear other stories so I can relate to. Tomorrow will be 1 month since my son passed away. Char's Mom and mimi,,,I'm still asking why my son. I'm so depressed that I don't want to go anwhere. I feel like I'm in a daze and I will wake up from this nightmare, but in reality I know it's real. My oldest daughter isn't speaking to me, cos she tells me Dustin is gone and I can't do anything about it. She doesn't live close to me, so I don't get to see my grandkids like I wish I could. She is upset because I'm basically living for my son and not for the living. OK, I can't help it if I'm in a deep depression and I don't know how long it will last and I can't do anything but think about my son. If I'm wrong, then someone correct me. Char's mom and mimi...... You have your losses too. We all know what each and everyone of us are going through. Yes, I'm still grieving for my son. I'm sorry for the ones in my family that can't accept what I'm going through!!!! I'm just glad that I found Grieving.Com!!!!

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Angel's Son - I'm so sorry for your loss as well. And you're so new to this terrible journey that all on this site are forced to take. I remember well the first days and months and the shock is so terrible. It was so horrifying, I would never want to go back there. The best advice I can give is be patient and allow yourself to be selfish. Do what you want to do and what feels right. Sit and cry and scream and yell at God or whatever you need to do whenever you need to do it. I found that as long as you aren’t making a lot of noise, you can even cry in public and most people don’t notice it. So if you’re out and something reminds you of your dear son, just cry right there. People either don’t notice or pretend not to. Try to be patient with yourself. I remember wanting to just get out of feeling so bad. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up 5 years down the road, hoping it wouldn’t hurt that much. But what I’ve learned is we have to feel this grief as it comes to us for grief is the other side of the love we had for our children. The horrible grief, pain and despair will be as hard as how hard we loved our babies. I don’t expect to ever stop hurting in my heart over the loss of my beautiful, smart, wonderful little girl, but I strive to cope with it as best I can. I do believe we all deserve to live happy, if altered lives.

You might think about checking out compassionatefriends.com. to see if they have a chapter in your area. My husband and I have been helped by this group. They say you should attend 3 meetings before you make a decision. It’s hard because everyone goes around and tells the story of their child’s death but then there is a speaker or activity. The best thing is just to be able to talk to other people who know how you feel. There are several parents who have lost children to suicide in our group and I know they’ve expressed how grateful they are to be able to talk to each other and all the other parents.

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next week is my "would of been" due date. I really thought that i was over it. It's september and it happen in january. I don't really didn't think i was still hurting like this. I 've put it off right when it happen. that i kind of forgot about it. i was telling myself that it was only 6 weeks and i didn't hear the heartbeat soooooo... it shouldn't hurt so bad. now, i look up ( 8 months later ) it hit like a ton of bricks. i have no friends and my family barely speaks to me. i've pushed everyone away. my partner she's pretty much out the door as well. nobody wants to be around me . i'm soooo mean all the time. i've become very evil and selfish. idk what happen to me. i don't eat, i can't sleep, ive thought about killing myself also. The pain and the anger is so deep i dont know what to do anymore. i have no options at all. i just want to be free for this heartache and pain. why me?

Meme, Im 46yrs old. I been thru all but murder and I mean all! I lost my baby at 3 months of caring her, not sure it was a her but I had my boy so wishful thinking That was in 1992 it hit me as if I knew her. I was sooo thrilled happy just Cassidy my tgen 6 yr old was finally going to have a sibling after all the begging and praying it finally happened. Ready to write it in the sky meanwhile my so called best friend of 24 yrs now was pregnant as well and was so upset. just why God why me type?" "I already have one when I was 16" Pls no me & the dad are broke up he has another girl pregnant why me?" meanwhile I didnt care if I raised my kids alone. I love being a mama being needed loved no matter what mistakes I make but suddenly after bringing in groceries drinking a perrier, I start to bleed & bleed but in denial refused to go to a dr as I alwayz have. They give bad news so I bled and I bled clots in denial saying its jus a bad period some women have periods and are still pregnant one month later my pregnant ex best friend( the one who wont see me and wont even text me unless i do first) Sry when Cas first left me forlife the only thing I cud and do do is look at pictures over 70,000 and counting. I love memories making em everything is a memory I hoped he cud look at someday and videos and think mama and i had a good life handicapped or not she did the best she cud and more than she shud but it backfired! Its me looking at em & saying Why? Ill never have another nemory w us again.. So back to baby 92. my so called friend blew me off bcus she has nothing to say or maybe as she says she only has gas for work. her 3 bdrm home $80 a month she lives in section 8 80.00 a month thats my water bill. so when I offer ti pay her gas many months ago she said being manager at walgreens photo she has no time yet posts all the fun stuff her & her friends n family do..hurts yes but hurt turns to anger then bitter than numb. I was there for days when she lost a bf or a job. ive never needed her & she made that known. but I loved being there for her or being needed by her money loans gas rides a place to stay when her mom threw her out cus she had a one month baby. some girl comes to my door needs a place to stay has no rent no moneyg but i took this stranger in over n over. shes been there for me once and thats when i lost baby 92 she got me to go to the hospital before i bled to death. I was afraid bcus I thought if i go they will take my unborn much wanted baby. I remember her over as I laid in bed with pillows elevating my legs to slow the blood flow and pillows to hold tightly on my tummy cramps were unreal so sharp so frequent so unbearable but I refused to to everyone but her. The Andy Griffith 25 th reunion was going to be on so I just said cant go gotta watch this!" being a tv retro buff.Shorten story it was a left Ectopic pregnancy & I knew after the 5 th ultra sound that day My baby was deadx! Why mine? She truly didnt want to be pregnant. If God wanted a Abgel why didnt he take hers? Make us both happy! Yes our unborn babies heartveat or not from conception, they are alive real worth tge pain.. Its not like going to the bathroom & flushing the toilet they are real live human beins!! Mine is going to be 21 on October 20th & I never forget. I alwayz put baby 92 on my calendar every yr Ive kept a diary since I was 13 but stopped for one yr from Cassidy age 2 yrs old to 3 yrs old.. Regrettably.So its normal & expected for those who are very emotional & sentimental. While some look at it as a peanut nothing more than a embryo or fetus till that ultrasound its all up to the individual! Cry & Cry but we will never know why & thats the biggest heartache is why if somebody cud just tell us that much then it wud help alot! hugz to u Indigo friend @Cassidys Mama & to all Im on fb Bunny2u661@aol.com or bunny cordova( facebook)
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Char's mom, The shock is still with me. I'm in a deep depression, according to my counselor and doctor. I feel like I will be in this pain forever. I'm just in a daze and it feel's like a nightmare!! Sorry for your loss!! My boyfriend took me to my son's grave and I just stood and stared. I couldn't even cry!!! I think about my son everyday and all day!! But, I can't cry. Is this normal?? I cried at the funeral and gravesite, that was like a nightmare.

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On August 15th, 2012, my 30 year old son shot himself in the head with a gun. He had a great job, a wife and beautiful baby girl, 9 months old. He had started drinking recently and never gave anyone a sign that there was anything wrong. He was my best friend. I'fm really having a hard time with this. I just need to hear other stories so I can relate to. Tomorrow will be 1 month since my son passed away. Char's Mom and mimi,,,I'm still asking why my son. I'm so depressed that I don't want to go anwhere. I feel like I'm in a daze and I will wake up from this nightmare, but in reality I know it's real. My oldest daughter isn't speaking to me, cos she tells me Dustin is gone and I can't do anything about it. She doesn't live close to me, so I don't get to see my grandkids like I wish I could. She is upset because I'm basically living for my son and not for the living. OK, I can't help it if I'm in a deep depression and I don't know how long it will last and I can't do anything but think about my son. If I'm wrong, then someone correct me. Char's mom and mimi...... You have your losses too. We all know what each and everyone of us are going through. Yes, I'm still grieving for my son. I'm sorry for the ones in my family that can't accept what I'm going through!!!! I'm just glad that I found Grieving.Com!!!!

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Angel, Dustin wasnt ur baby he is ur baby. He didnt love you he does love you & I feel numb in a daze not wanting to do anything selfish or notq.. Sleep when I finally do go to sleep still dont get a break. I wake up its all about Cassidy I go to bed its all about Cassidy! Hes my world my reason & alwayz has been. I fell in £ove w my handsome adorable funny charmer w the girls ..& guyz loved by many! We fought for his attention Yet he felt so alone so unloved. Wasnt allowed to see his baby unless he had money. Shes 4 in Dec she will miss another bday w Daddy. Im not alloud to see my granddaughter who is a replica of Cas If u look on my fb u cant tell them apart as children. Hes not on her birthcertificate so visitation wasnt like " teen mom" if any of you have seen that reality show. I get jealous when I see these moms so young in bad relationships yet still all the dads get normal visitation. More than Cas got from his biological dad who saw him until 10 months old then at 1 2 xmas all thanks to me going above n beyond to take him to him then in 1994 just to leave to a bar & leave Cassidy w his grandma however at 27 on Jan 24 th he came out for his wake & stayed w my husband & I stating its the least he cud do till I was who I used to be however on Fathers Day this yr he took my sons autopsy & some clothes of his and stuff Im not aware of & bailed w no good bye in the middle of the night just to find out he gave my sons belongings to his nephew Casey & that wud not sit well w Cassidy bcus anytime he wud spiratically call hed call him Casey now Casey has Cas belonging. Never even gave Cas but 1 bday card. ya theres anger lost my train of thought but bottom line its supposed to get better how? I lost so much my son my granddaughter my step dad of 10 yrs my love of my life soulmate my hair dresser my best friend/ roommate & now a kitten I been nursing day & nite 24/7 and forcefed her she lasted 8 days without much input & no output crazy then my sister who I wasnt raised w diff moms asks me to adopt her grown cats big big fat cats so they dont get killed due to age & they killed my last kitten i got 5 months after I lost my son right in the living room same way as I found my son while cleaning. She was sweet playful & tried for two days to welcome these 2 big cats into her home and late that night they killed her blood bath in my living rm Why why do I lose all I love. Am I not allowed to have anything keep my mind off my heartbreak from the loss of Cassidy? ~ My world! I was a huge ppl person alwayz wanted to be a psychiatrist or psychologist just love helping ppl. alwayz have but cant help myself & cant be around ppl. I get panic attacks/ major anxiety..I just cant go on no cry for help its real! Im not wanting to die cus im fat or skinny ugly or lost a marriage job broke a nail lost my car or ring I wanna be w my only God given son,cus he need me! I need him! 8 months is not believable to be apart this long.We all Char, David ,Angel Lisa&Davids Mom,Dee,& all I cant remember right now tho I read everyones story for two days are all facing this feeling this tramatic devastating empty hopeless feeling that nobody deserves NOBODY! All we can do is pray this gut wrenching hopeless feeling subsides to a functioning point tho never forgotten & alwayz £oved we need a break from our agony to be able to smile & it be real. God wont give us more than we can handle but he has! Am I right? Anybody care to be honest. We are alive but how many of us are living really living? It hurts on fb to see ppl say " Today is a great day! Great weekend life doesnt get better than this!" Ouch! These are Cassidys family & friends saying this weeks after his demise!! How? "God is good to me & Gods giving me a great life!" "It doesn' t get better than this or today is going to be a great day" wheres their heart? Do they not know I lost their nephew cousin, friend babys father ?? Does it matter? or is he swept under the rug? just ashes? history?GONE! He's my son, He's real! Just like Dustin Hes your baby always will ashes or burried. Our memories arent ashes our over 2 decades plus arent dirt. Our boyz are our lives & Dustin & Cas still need to know we love them & they arent ever forgotten ever. Id love to hear Dustin stories good or bad sad or silly share w me plz. Hugz ur new Indigo friend Bunny Lee @Cassidy Lei's Mama@

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Cassidy's mama, I went to my son's grave today and I couldn't cry. I just stared and felt like I was in a daze. I still feel this way, I can't cry for my son. I don't understand that!!! I just feel numb. I'm going to admit that I'm angry with God and all I can say is why!!! My daughter is so upset with me, because I've been living for my son and not for my family. She said, DUSTIN IS GONE!!! Well, I can't forget about him, just like you can't just let go your son. Dustin lived with me until about a year ago. I got an apartment and he and his wife moved into a house and here came baby Melanie. She is 9 months old now. Dustin was so proud when she said DaDa before MaMa. Dustin tried to protect me from the few men that were in my life over the years. My boyfriend that I have now, he approved of. That was a first. He loved playing x-box and got his wife interested in playing too. He was pretty laid back until he got mad, then the fight was on. He and I would sit for hours just talking. He confided in me and some of the things I didn't want to hear. But, he knew I'd laugh about it. He was the quiet type until a person got to know him. I get on facebook everyday just to see his picture and know he is with me. When I touch his face on a picture, it seems so real. I have prescription sleeping pills, or I wouldn't be sleeping at all. I'm losing my concentration and lost my words on what else to say right now. You are right, our boys are our lives. Thanks for sharing with me!!!

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