Days Running into Each Other

[mrsduc]

I know I have not been on for awhile, but as you probably know, but little puppies take alot of time. I am very surprised and pleased to say that the American Eskimo and the little tiny chihuahua get along pretty well. My little girl, the chihuahua that we named Lady loves to tease and pick on her brother, the American Eskimo that we named Bear Bear. He is so loving but at times rough with his sister. But he loves to please me so all I have to do is either clap my hands or say his name and he stops being so rough with her. But most of the time she lets him know if he is being too rough by either crying or biting his face, which he does not like and he has learned to turn his face when he plays with her most of the time now and so she ends up biting his butt. I just have to laugh. They are so funny together. I think about Robert still every day and every second. Ithink and know what he would say about my little girl. I can almost hear him say it right now. He would never want a dog that small but he would love her. A year ago tomorrow I went out to CA to be with Robert. It was the best 5 days and the last 5 days that I ever saw him again. So this month has been rough for me because I know I am not suppose to keep doing the what ifs and things like that, but it is easier said then done. I think if only I had stayed when I saw him crying like a baby at the airport. But then something deep inside tells me the truth that he would of killed himself another time because he had been talking to me for years about it. I had not heard about it since last summer and that was one of the reasons I went to see him in September of last year to try and stop him from thinking of killing himself. But I know now that if I had stayed it would of only prolonged the time of his death. He was mentally ill and he did not want to live on this earth anymore. I miss him every day but I could not no matter how much I try to tell myself or love him, stop him from leaving me. He had no idea what it would do to me. For when I went to the medium one of the things he told me was he was happy where he was but if he had known how much it would of hurt me he would not of done it. That he was sorry that he had to hurt me so to be happy. I told him that I was not angry with him and that I was proud of him and that I loved him no matter what he said or did. And that is how I feel. I am not ashamed that my son killed himself, if anything I am very proud of him. I know that sounds crazy. But he wanted to die and he figured out a way to do it and to succeed so as to not stay on this earth as a cripple or a burden to anyone if he should of been a vegetable or something like that. Sure I wish he could of stayed but he does not have to be in pain anymore from this world. He does not have to worry that when his grandparents die how he will pay bills because they never taught him to be able to stand on his own two feet and he was smart enough to know this and it hurt him and scared him. He does not have to be sad and lonely anymore because he didn't have anyone special to love him for him and accept his odd crazy side. He so wanted a partner that would love him and be there through life with him. But that was not the way his life panned out. Robert never has to worry if he talked to someone wrong or hurt anyone ever again. All he has to do now is be surrounded by love and joy and happiness for eternity and I am overjoyed inside to know this. For he deserves only the best that love can give him he has waited and wanted it for so long. I was jsut not enough for him when it came to loving him for just being him.

Went to my doctor today for a follow up and he asked how I was doing and I told him that I did not feel like my depression and anxiety medicines were working quite right and so he decided to not put me on anything and take me off everything. The one thing that I fear the most since I was finally able to see a doctor in 2005 and get on medication for the first time in my life. It changed me right away and I always had a fear that I would be taken off the meds. I started crying in his office begging him not to take me off or try something different because I may miss Robert but I do not want to kill myself and I hate having those thoughts and being off the meds makes me have those thoughts worse and it also makes me a very violent person with my mouth and otherwise towards my husband. I am a person that I do not like. Most of my birth siblings have been diagnosed as being bipolar and I know I have it too but just have not been diagnosised. But I do know that I need medication and it is so much cheaper going to a primary doctor for medication then a therapist like a psychiatrist that can write prescriptions. So I am very scared right now. I am trying to warn my husband since I still have the last dose of meds in my system how much I love him and that I hope to God that I don't go back to being that person but if I do I have told him maybe he should leave the house for a couple of hours or so. I am trying to protect him and at the same time trying to figure out how to keep me calm and if no one is around me then maybe I won't have anyone to mess with. All I can say is please please pray for me, for if I do turn into the person I was before medication I know that I am going to wish I was Robert and was dead. I really do not want to go back and be that mean nasty person that during the spells, as I called them, knew I did not want to do or say what I was doing at the time but I had no control over myself or stopping what I was saying or doing. I know that is hard to believe or understand unless you are bipolar or have been around someone that is, but it is not a great place to be in. And I don't know what to do. So just pray for me. That is all I know. WHen a person does not have insurance it is so hard to get your needs taken care of.