bad year

[Tor]

we've been looking forward to this year for a long time, my dad retired! i am 25 and live about anhour and a half away from my family but i am very very close to them.

it all started in march, the month of my dads birthday. I got a call from my mum saying that my nan was in hospital and it might be an idea to come down and see her. (my nan being my dads mum) so me and my fiance got the train and went down to see her in the hospital. she looked so frail not the nan i knew. i mean we never really got along but i was always there for her even through the worse parts of her alzhimers. she fought for as long as she could but passed early morning on the 14th of march. my mum got the call and managed to get there before her body temperature dropped. the directors originally wanted the funeral on the 23rd but we said no, that was my dads 65th birthday. i got a week off from work and went down to help with the funeral and my nans flat. the funeral ended up being on the 26th of march and was a beautiful service. i had been asked to sing and for the entire week i sang the song somewhere over the rainbow (eva cassidy) until i could make it through without crying.

it hit me hard but i started to pull myself back together. we weven went away on our first holiday during the beginning of june for our 4 year anniversary. my parents came up to see us at our home, just for a few hours the sunday before fathers day, and when they left i gave them a big hug and a kiss and told them i loved them. I called my dad on fathers day to wish him a happy fathers day and make sure he got the card i sent. As he was about to hang up my mum shouted LOVE YOU down the phone, and that was the last time i heard her voice.

on the 19th june my dad called me and told me mum was in the hospital, they thought shed had a stroke. i said id be on the next train down and he said no its ok, theyll operate tomorrow if i need you il call. Then i got a call at 2 am from the nurse saying i should get to the hospital as soon as i could. I was ready to jump in a taxi but my fiance spoke reason, the hospital had put up my dad, where was i to go? I was on the first train at 5am and got there by 6:40. my mum had had a subarachnoid hemmeradge, meaning a bleed in the brain. the hospital, while waiting until the morning to operate, left it too late and she had a second bleed. they operated on her and she survived the operation which was a miricle in itself but was in a coma. for weeks i stayed with my dad, being the strong one, looking after him, sitting with my mum every day and singing to her while my brother buried his head in work, i took on the role of my mum.

after three weeks the doctors decided that they were taking my mum off the ventilator, we had no say, but they said its ok, shes breathing without it. we called the donor people in just in case as it was my mums wish to donate her organs. that was just like my mum willing to help people even in death. my dad and i sat with her all night but she survived the initial shock of being taken off the ventilator. i had asked the day before why they had stopped her feed and got the answer 'when we take off the ventilator she could vomit so we stop the feed before hand.' while we sat with the donor lady i asked why she hadnt been put back on the feed and got the answer, if she does pass the liquid in her stomach from the feed could damage the organs.' the wondow closed for them to take her organs like kidney, liver etc and the donor people left. the next day we went to see my mum and i noticed she still wasnt on the feed and when i asked i was told it would just prolong the enevitable so they stopped all medication, we had no say.

i took in some nail varnish and painted her nails and spoke to her like everything was fine, then went back to my parents and went round the community telling people how mum was, so dad didnt have to.

on friday the 13th of july i was woken by my phone at 5:40am, my mum had passed away. i was the youngest in our family and had to wake my dad to tell him the love of his life was dead. as i went to make him tea i called my brother and told him, then i called my mums sister and told her. we drove to the hospital and i went in while dad parked the car. I sat with my mum and couldnt understand why she was so cold, why i couldnt wake her up, why i couldnt warm her up.

my fiance was on the first train and by my side within an hour, he was close to my mum too. we sat with her until 11am when they had to take her to the mourge since she was still donating some things. i let my dad say bye to her and then i went in. i broke down, i was so angry the this good woman was taken away from us, that shed never see me get married, shed never meet her grandchildren.

i helped to organise the funeral, chose her dress, the songs the poems, told the ministor about her life.

a week beofre this all happened she had been speaking to a friend and had said, theres no doubt about tor is singing at my funeral. So i di, i sang fields of gold, a song she loved to her me sing, and broke down with 2 lines to go. I cried throughout the entire service as though my heart had broken because it had. my brother couldnt cope with the funeral and ran out within the first 5 minutes and i couldnt blame him. if i couldve acted like that i would have but someone needed to be strong and that fell on me. it took me a while to realise i had lost my mum because all i got was hows your dad is he coping? the cards were for him, on the loss of your wife, i got one card on the loss of your mum so all that was in my head was my dads lost his wife. i think i was still in shock.

i got home and thats when it hit me, i had barely cried while at my parents and the evening i got home i was downstairs, saw a picture of my mum and collapsed on the floor, unable to move or do anything but cry. i have slipped into a depression which is understandable but i will not tell my dad bacuase no matter how hard it is for me i cant help feeling its 10 times worse for him.

im trying to get my life back together but then it hits me again, im never going to see my mum again, the only time il hear her voice is in my dreams.

some days are worse than others and those days i have to force myself out of bed and to work. i hide my feelings pretty well so for the most part no one sees how broken i am.

[breadandcircuses]

I'm so sorry. I think we all feel each others' pain but probably not in the same way. It's completely personal. All we can assure each other is that we understand. I know all about not wanting to get out of bed and I've looked forward to this weekend so much. Take advantage of sleep if you can get it. It is so important. Try to roll over and drift off again, if possible. If not, then maybe tomorrow. It's a terrible road we have to walk. Patricia

[Tor]

thank you Patricia, ive been getting better, or at least i feel that im making some progress, im still havin off days, like yesterday i was on the verge of tears 4 times but ive not had a day like that in a while. i do feel that this site helps a lot! it makes us all feel as though we are not alone and there is someone out there, who we dont even know who cares enough to tell you that. so remember you are not alone in this hell that we are coping with, i hope it gives comfort because it certainly does me x