loss of parent to overdose

[meLz]

time heals all wounds? they must have not factored in the loss of a parent...

I was 26 when I met my dad for the first time, his constant drug use and frequent visits to county jail kept him away. He and I resided states away but after we met, we always kept in contact - he would always end the conversation with "I love you" and now I feel guilt for not expressing anything in return. The first time he overdosed was in October of 2010 and the hospital was able to save him. I started to feel more like the parent and his was the child because after that, I would call to check in on him ALOT. He reassured me that the events that happened in October would not occur again. I believed him.

The summer of 2011, he was telling me that he was fixing up his car so he could spend Thanksgiving with me, Thanksgiving never happened. I remember speaking to him September 10, 2011..he was sick and his asthma was acting up. I begged him to go to the hospital because his breathing sounded funny. He reassured me that he would be fine and he just wanted to get through the day because he had off the 11th, I told him to "make sure you take your asthma medication, eat something and drink some tea"..he promised to call after work. He never called. I get a phone call 9/1/11 at 7:47am from a family member crying telling me he's gone. My heart fell to the floor. Within 2 days, I was in another state with family I've never met to bury my dad. To think it was my second time seeing him and it was for his own funeral...I hated it.

I have been dreading this month..I am more confused now than ever. I'm grown now, but I still need my dad. I needed him to make up for all the years he wasnt there. Why couldnt I be enough for him to leave the drugs behind? I'll never know..

[BreathofAngel]

time heals all wounds? they must have not factored in the loss of a parent...

Dearest (((((((MeLz))))))),

You are so right about that!! A parent is irreplaceable and one simply cannot close the door on them at any point in time, thus, time merely serves to somehow help one get past some of the harder hurdles in life they may be facing.

I was 26 when I met my dad for the first time, his constant drug use and frequent visits to county jail kept him away. He and I resided states away but after we met, we always kept in contact - he would always end the conversation with "I love you" and now I feel guilt for not expressing anything in return. The first time he overdosed was in October of 2010 and the hospital was able to save him. I started to feel more like the parent and his was the child because after that, I would call to check in on him ALOT. He reassured me that the events that happened in October would not occur again. I believed him.

The summer of 2011, he was telling me that he was fixing up his car so he could spend Thanksgiving with me, Thanksgiving never happened. I remember speaking to him September 10, 2011..he was sick and his asthma was acting up. I begged him to go to the hospital because his breathing sounded funny. He reassured me that he would be fine and he just wanted to get through the day because he had off the 11th, I told him to "make sure you take your asthma medication, eat something and drink some tea"..he promised to call after work. He never called. I get a phone call 9/1/11 at 7:47am from a family member crying telling me he's gone. My heart fell to the floor. Within 2 days, I was in another state with family I've never met to bury my dad. To think it was my second time seeing him and it was for his own funeral...I hated it.

I have been dreading this month..I am more confused now than ever. I'm grown now, but I still need my dad. I needed him to make up for all the years he wasnt there. Why couldnt I be enough for him to leave the drugs behind? I'll never know..

I'm so very sorry for the physical loss of your Dad, dear MeLz. There certainly was not enough time for you to get to know him well, dear, therefore, you should not take it upon yourself to wonder why you couldn't be enough for him, etc., as you say, because you are not to blame for this and do not know all of the circumstances and what he was facing. The very fact that your Dad made an effort to see and meet with you can only mean that he loved you, of that I have no doubt! Addictions are hard to overcome many times and we cannot judge people for what drives them to do that because we simply are not in their place. All one can do is hope they get to the point, hopefully with professional help, where they will see the error in their ways and strive to change that which is harmful to themselves and their loved ones. But as to your missing your Dad, of course you do and you will because he is one of your parents who gave you your life.

What must be kindled in your heart now, dearheart, is continuing Love and Forgiveness for the situation. Forgiveness not only for him but for yourself as you will find that you will be in a better space when all is forgiven for all who are concerned. Unfortunately, with his passing, there is nothing that can be done at this point for him, but the good news is that your Dad is beyond whatever drove him to do it in the first place. There is no more suffering, no more pain, no more tears in Heaven as it is a place of great healing! And your own thoughts about this situation must now start to heal as well!

Pray that God helps you to overcome any undue stress due to this situation and pray for your Dad as well, as your prayers will surely help him in spirit. If you feel you want to say something to him that you did not have a final opportunity to do while he was still here, just simply write him a letter with your thoughts in it, the length of your choice, and then sit down quietly and read it aloud to him. Those in spirit do hear us and can see us just as God hears us and can see us because God too is in spirit! It may also help to alleviate the burden you must be carrying on your shoulders with this matter.

May God Bless You and be with you and help you to heal from this and may He always walk by your side!

[nicole610]

We have had very similar experiences... when I read what you wrote "Why couldn't I have been enough to leave the drugs behind?", my heart broke for you... I have long fought those demons in my mind tellnig me "your own father couldn't really love you, how do you expect your HUSBAND to truly love you?! or your children?! or your family at all?!" It does something deep down not having the commited kind of parental love from our dads that a child needs. And not having certain needs met, surely rears its head later in life and will continue to do so until we find a way to acknowledge our own worth.

I had voluntarily cut ties with my Dad on and off for some time for the same reason you cited, "I became the parent instead of my Dad". He engaged in a lot of dangerous, illegal and sickening behaviors that I could not expose myself or my children to. When I'm angry, I see this as "his decision" but in my right mind, I look at all the people in his life prior to ME that SHOULD'VE shown him love, planted seeds of goodness and respect and failed to do so.... he was abused as a child and shown so little direction.... he was forever seeking out a way to let loose and feel good and be free.... I see that same thing within me and some of my own past behaviors and sure, I could blame it on not having a good example through him... but when it comes down to it, even those who struggle with addiction still have free will, lots of resources out there if they are willing to seek them out and they have a CHOICE. Just because my dad chose a lifestyle I had to remove myself from, does not by default mean that he simultaneously CHOSE to not love me. He just didn't have the capacity to demonstrate it. And I'm so very sorry your father had a similar issue. I will be thinking of you and praying that you are able to work through your grief on your terms.... there is no rule book, there are no steadfast guidelines... as long as you are identifying your feelings and can acknowledge when you may need outside help, then you are working through it. I say this as a total novice in personal grief as my father just died on june 10, 2012 (that's the best guess as he was found some days later).... its been both the fastest and longest 4 months of my life.... but growth comes in spurts as does the "bad days".... days when I wake up crying for all I never gave myself or himself the opportunity to have, all I missed out on, the fact that my son met him only a handful of times and still thinks he was "the weird uncle with all the fish bowls" and not my father.... the fact that I hated admitted that the "weird uncle" was actually my dad.... the guilt.... oh, the guilt..... my prayer this morning is for both of us to just keep walking forward. Make your own rules, friend. Stay healthy and stay true to what you need.... grief isn't a contest and your hurt, even though you were'nt close to your father for long, is just as devastating in a different way, as the grief felt by a child who had the worlds best dad for her whole life.... grief is grief. its no contest and there are no rules.... that's what i'm finding more everyday.... death may be predictable but the dynamics of grief sure suprise the heck out of me every day.

much love,

nicole

[kristaleighbird]

Man, I'm with you on that point Newbie. I know it has only been four months since my dad passed, but I feel like everything is getting worse! I feel more and more sad and lonely with every passing week. I know I shouldn't feel lonely, because I have 2 beautiful kids and husband at home, but I do. I don't know if losing a parent at the end of a long relationship or at the beginning of a new relationship if any different. Either way, it's your dad, and it sucks. Without knowing all the specifics of his drug use, overdose, etc., I would say that you were enough for him. But drug use is a life long battle. Some people can win the fight, and some people don't. I only say that, because I have a brother that was addicted to heroin for a long time when I was younger, and it took him oh so long to get his crap straight. We almost lost him. But I've had others that I've known that just couldn't make it. I don't think drug abuse changes the feelings people have in their heart for someone. You were his child, and the love for a child is the strongest there can be. But drugs cloud the brain and the judgement. Everyone knows that sometimes the brain and the heart just don't have the same plans in mind. With that said, if you ever need to talk, you've got my info.