What Not To Say... Ever

[SammieDoll]

My fiance's mother had sent this to me:

"I don't know what to say."

"I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing."

The number of times that I've heard these sentiments expressed by those who surround the widowed are countless. Unfortunately, many seem to have lost sight of the fact that the words, "I'm so sorry" can be the most comforting words of all. As a result and even though it may be in an attempt to console, people can instead wind up saying some pretty ridiculous things. Having been widowed myself and at the receiving end of some of these comments (and worse), I continue to be amazed at what some say in the guise of sympathy.

Following are actual expressions of "compassion" that have been shared with widowed; including what oftentimes goes through bereaved person's mind when hearing these expressions. We'll call this, "What Not to Say...Ever!":

1. When someone says: "At least you were prepared" (when death is anticipated).

What the widowed are thinking is: "Expecting death doesn't make the reality of death any easier."

2. When someone says: "At least s/he didn't suffer" (when death is sudden).

What the widowed are thinking is: "That made things easier on them ... not me."

3. When someone says: "Everything happens for a reason."

What the widowed are thinking is: "Whatever that 'reason' is, I'm not interested in hearing it."

4. When someone says: "You were just meant to be alone."

What the widowed are thinking is: "If I were meant to be alone, I wouldn't have gotten married in the first place."

5. When someone says: "I know how you feel."

What the widowed are thinking is: "No you don't, because you are not me and losses cannot be compared."

6. When someone says: "You'll find someone else."

What the widowed are thinking is: "What makes you think that I'm looking for someone else right now?"

7. When someone says: "You should be 'over it' already."

What the widowed are thinking is: "Well, I'm not 'over it' and I'm sorry if my healing timeline doesn't fit your timeline."

8. When someone says: "Now you'll have closure."

What the widowed are thinking is: "I don't want to 'close' any part of my life. What does that even mean?"

9. When someone says: "S/He's in a better place."

What the widowed are thinking is: "Better than here with me?"

10. When someone says: "You can always get a pet to replace him/her." (Yes, someone actually said that.)

What the widowed are thinking is: "You're kidding, right?"

11. When someone says: "Divorce is the same."

What the widowed are thinking is: "It's not the same. I understand you've experienced the 'death' of a relationship. But in your case, someone somewhere made a choice. No one 'chose' to leave my marriage."

12. When someone says: "You were married for so many years and he/she lived a long life."

What the widowed are thinking is: "That doesn't matter. It will never be long enough."

13. When someone says: "You're not really a widow/er because you were only married for..." (a short time).

What the widowed are thinking is: "I missed the part of the wedding ceremony that said how long we had to be married before it 'counted' toward widowhood."

14. When someone says: "You weren't technically married so you're not really widowed."

What the widowed are thinking is: "My heart doesn't understand technicalities. My heart only knows that the person with whom I planned to spend the rest of my life is gone."

15. When someone says: "S/He was my brother/sister/other relative. You weren't technically related."

What the widowed are thinking is: "Please make sure that I'm standing there when you tell our children that Mom and Dad weren't technically related."

The common thread in all of these statements (and many more like them) is that while most may be said in an attempt to comfort, absolutely none of these statements will console anyone.

So what should you say to a widowed instead?

Express genuine sympathy: "I'm so sorry; I can't even begin to imagine the pain you're in right now."

You have provided immediate comfort and a sense of reassurance to someone whose world has been rocked; as well as reassurance that they don't have to face this bleakest of seasons on their own.

Encourage dialogue: "You might not be ready to talk about it today, but when you're ready, I'm here to listen."

One of the most helpful things in the world is a kind ear and it is after the funeral, when everyone else has seemingly disappeared that your compassion is needed the most.

You really can be the first avenue of comfort to a widowed. No longer are the excuses, "I don't know what to say" or "I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing" acceptable. While I'm not sure that I ever bought into the cliché that, "Ignorance is bliss," this I know for certain:

When it comes to consoling the bereaved, ignorance is not "bliss."

It is instead a gigantic miss.

[widower2]

This is a great post and thing to bring up (what to say/not say), but I must respectfully disagree a little on a few things.....

The common thread in all of these statements (and many more like them) is that while most may be said in an attempt to comfort, absolutely none of these statements will console anyone.

Not true. Some of them may, for some people. It varies. Knowing the person or people involved makes all the difference. Certainly err on the side of caution though.

Encourage dialogue: "You might not be ready to talk about it today, but when you're ready, I'm here to listen."

2 things about this - first, I don't think it's a good idea to even bring up when someone may or may not be ready to talk about it. ie don't even "go there." Just say something like IF you want to talk, I'm here etc etc. But the second thing I want to say is ONLY say this if you mean it. I've had people give me that and it turned out to be an empty platitude; I'm sure I'm far from the only one.

However, I think most if not all meant well, and this is my final point here, one I ask everyone try to keep in mind, ie people's intent - even if they bungle it and say the wrong thing. I'd rather someone say the "wrong thing" (extreme exceptions notwithstanding) than nothing at all. If you say the wrong thing, it tells me you care at least a little but just made a social "faux pas." If you say nothing, I assume you don't care.

My .02 and again don't get me wrong, great overall post.

[paulaj]

Hi W2,

Hope you are doing well. On a few points, I must respectfully disagree with you. First of all, SammieDoll has just experienced a loss, she does not have the benefit of time to distance herself from people and their comments. What she feels is true to her. This is *her* reality not yours .I remember feeling the same way when my husband first passed. Time gave me a different perspective. Grieving is a process, not an event. As for people's intentions, they too vary. Some people are reacting out of denial and facing their own mortality for the first time. That doesn't mean they care about you or make them bad people. Sometimes silence is golden. Sincerely bearing witness to pain, instead of trying to rescue with platitudes, can be a gift. For example, if a person is crying be there with them. Sometimes a hug is a good thing.

We all agree that everybody is different - both the recipient and the sender. I try not to generalize from my own experience - that's a big no-no when you study psychology. I feel we all do the best we can. I know you have the best of intentions and have helped me many times. I'll go back to my plaster dust now.

Be Well,

Mandala

[widower2]

Thx but ?? Nothing you said disagreed with anything I said; if anything it agreed.

Also pls note it was her fiancee's mother who said those things, just FYI

[musikman1]

My least favorite: "Doesn't s/he look good?"

[Mdanielson4]

Wow, that is a list! I don’t know if there is anything I wanted to hear for the first few days. I wanted to run away and hide. Of course with everything that is happening at that time it is impossible. I was numb and don’t remember much of the first month after my love passed. I have no clue how to respond to the list below. I don’t see anything that would feel appropriate.

I believe words are not going to help at times and just a big hug, and you being there can be comforting. This is just my thoughts.

Mike

[Silvergirl61]

I think the worst things that hurt me most are already on the list. But the two that always bother me most are "he's in a better place now", and "you're still young, you can find somebody else.". Like he was a pair of shoes, or an old coat or something? The other one, I just can't talk about at all.

[mgilbertson]

I'm fifty years old, married thirty years and my husband was out of town for work and died instantly from a heart attack just over three months ago. Just been told by a family member that I need to start moving on and not dwell on it so much! WOW!!!!!! We've

had to go through his birthday, the death of his ninety-nine year old grandma, who just quit after he passed and now all the holidays. Yeah, we'll just quit crying and move on. Sounds easy right? Well now that I'm none ranting, I'll go mop the floors and mow the yards and then come back in and have my own PITY PARTY!!!!!!!!

[widower2]

Just been told by a family member that I need to start moving on and not dwell on it so much!

I suggest this response:

1. Buy a baseball bat.

2. Sneak up on them and whack them in the head repeatedly.

3. As they lay there in a hospital in agony, perhaps even fighting for their life, tell them to just "start moving on and not dwell on it so much."

OK I am kidding (pls don't actually do this, tempting as it might be) but honestly that is about how ridiculous and idiotic such things sound. How can people be so grossly insensitive, esp about something they clearly know NOTHING about?

I think we should pool our resources and get a commercial aired nationwide explaining to people that you don't just "move on" after a brief period of time.

[LOST26]

What to say makes me think of my brother-in-law who wasn't really very close to my husband or me, at least I didn't think so. At the funeral home he came up to me and tried to say something. His mouth quivered as we were both crying and he tried about four times to say something. I told him not to worry that there was nothing he needed to say and he just gave me a hug. I think maybe a hug is the best thing.

My son tells me "It's going to be okay". "We'll make it through this." Even though this is comforting to me I don't know if he realizes the difference in our pain. I love my son but he has his girlfriend of three years and his own life to go back to but I think it's hard for him to understand that his dad was my life. We were together for 30 years and we did everything together....

I miss him so much.

[Guest KackleDackle]

My sister is a Psychiatrist and the crap that comes out of her mouth since I lost my husband is so wrong. She says "time heals" , "his in a better place " and "you will find another soulmate". Obviously I have not spoken to her for weeks as she has absolutely no idea how to deal with death.

So many people are well intended with their comments as society doesn't deal with death well. No ones fault most of the time but trained people should know better. Best thing is be a friend, listen and overall be there for people without judgement or strong opinions. The people left closest to me are the ones that hold my hand and just listen.

I never want to forget every memory because that is all I have left.

[widower2]

My sister is a Psychiatrist and the crap that comes out of her mouth since I lost my husband is so wrong.

No ones fault most of the time but trained people should know better.

ugh KD, don't get me started on this......there's an old saying that seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist is like taking your car in to be fixed by monkeys with oven mitts on Not their fault per se, the mind and esp a person's specific problem and how to unwrap/resolve it is often daunting to say the least, but that's why I strongly advise great caution to people automatically considering them "experts" or assuming they are right and far more so about this kind of thing. I've met some doozies........also and to be fair, this is also why I would always suggest a grief counselor or someone else who specializes in this, because typically a garden variety psychiatrist/psychologist knows little more about it than the average person.

[DarkDungeon]

I, too, have been struggling with the words people use (or lack there of). I've always kept my personal life private so only a handful of my coworkers knew about my boyfriend. When I came back to work, I got a few hugs and a few have asked me how I'm doing. Since then, (and it's been a month), they all seem cheery around me and nobody has asked me anything. I want to talk about him to everyone and tell them all about how wonderful he was. At the same time, I cannot break down at work since I work in a school so maybe it's better that way. In my home life, friends and family seem to think I'm done grieving and don't approach me about it and talk to me as if nothing ever happened. This hurts so much because I don't want to act like this was all a dream and now it's just over and time to move on. I want to yell at everyone and I want everyone who knew him to keep crying with me! But I know they all mean well.. I honestly would feel so much better if I had somebody close to him to cry with. His family and friends live hours away also...

Anyway, people have definitely used the wrong choice of words for me too... I've heard the following in the past week: "It would be nice to go on a few dates, right?" "You need to just stop thinking about morbid stuff, that can't be healthy." "Stop feeling sorry for yourself." "He wouldn't want you to react like this." "He'd be so happy about the world series/election/etc." "Good thing you guys were in your honeymoon phase- you never got to see the bad parts of each other." and so on and so forth.

Bottom line is.. I've realized I need to be honest with people. When I heard "he wouldn't want you to be sad" I said, "He wouldn't want to be dead." Sometimes I'm blunt and it helps people, I think, to see how big and real death is and that I'm not over-reacting.

Also, I've been trying to, in a way, train my closest friends/family by telling them when they offend me. When my sister said, "stop feeling sorry for yourself" I said, "I need to be able to talk to you- you're the only person who can help me... I'm sad, depressed, and can only think about him. I'm going to talk about him all the time and cry... I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm feeling sorry for HIM and I need to be able to express these things." That helped. When she said to me, just a few minutes ago, that I need to stop thinking about morbid things, I told her my mind is going a certain way and that I can't control it and I'm letting it do it's thing and that I need to express it to somebody and that somebody is her.

[UnderHis Wings]

No one has said anything but kind words to me. And that's amazing, because I usually don't know what to say to others.

[Deesgirl]

My cousin was over tonight with her 4 month old son - her first child - and she said to me "I'm so full of joy, I've never been happier, I'm bursting at the seems!....". I had nothing to say to her in response. I know she doesn't mean any harm, but I can't understand what she expected me to say And that she didn't have the sensitivity to not go on and on about how wonderful her life is.

I want to share that joy for her but I don't have it in me to give. It seems like all my friends are at this stage of life- the big celebrations with their partners: engagements, weddings, kids.

I will never get to live those joys with my love, all the dreams we shared of our future together crushed.

I've had many people say to me "don't worry, you'll find somebody else". To which I want to reply with a punch in their face. I'm far from a violent or hurtful person, but hearing that makes my blood boil!

Probably the very worst I've heard is when a friend offered her engagement ring for me to wear to make me 'feel better'(!) I was speechless.

[DarkDungeon]

Deesgirl,

After I got the phone call a month ago, I told my best girlfriends I needed them to come over because I knew I needed my girls to keep me from being alone.... they all came straight over that morning. My one friend who has a 2 year old baby did not know what to say to me or how to react. I undersand because I don't know what I would have done from any of their perspectives... but... since I'm 26 years old and many of my friends are at that same stage of getting engaged, married, pregnant... she was the one that really dug the knife in... while my other girlfriends cried with me, she showed me a picture of her baby and said, "this will cheer you up! Look at my baby!!" I think that she really meant well and had no idea how to react to my sadness... she is just so excited to be a new mom and lost her bearings.. obviously, looking at a picture of her baby made me feel worse but I understand that she had no idea how to react and thought that her baby who cheers her up MUST cheer me up too! It's ok. she told me later, "i'm sorry. i'm bad at this.." and i told her it's ok... and that i wouldn't know what to say either. I love my friends and they mean well but some of them just don't know what to say and are at such different stages of life. The most comfort I have had is with people who have lost someone close who aren't afraid to approach me and say, "what was he like," "what happened to him," "how are you coping"?

[widower2]

Well said DD. As I said earlier, as hurtful as some of these things may be or seem, most (I would think nearly all) are trying to help; they just don't have a clue what to say/do and so their efforts are often badly bungled. I have tried to keep their intent in mind vs the thing itself...

[Yadairaisabel]

I completely agree with this post. I've heard most of what's on that list. Like it happened so fast he didint suffer or you are still young and need a father for your kids! First off he can't be replaced period! Let alone be replaced as a father! He wasn't an accessory he is the love of my life!!! These type of comments may be meant to comfort but the best words are those never said! Just give me a hug and genuinely be there.

[Silvergirl61]

I have apparently entered into a new phase, and well meaning friends are trying to push members of the opposite sex at me, when we go out together. ***sigh***

I guess I will be staying at home alone a lot more for awhile, because nicely telling them that I am not interested, and definately not ready, did not work.

My younger sister is so supportive, and so wonderful. She always seems to know what to say, or not to say, and she is always there for me, but I am so afraid I will lean on her too much. I haave several very supportive family members, but they are all very busy.

I have come to realize, most people's first thought is "Thank God it isn't me, I don't know what I would do, and I don't know how to act."

I'm trying to stop obsessing about things that I can't change.

This is the hardest and most horrible thing I have ever been through..and I guess I will find the way, eventually.

I repeat what I said earlier..this place helps more than anything else, except spending time with my little sis. I hope you all have at least one person like that to turn to..and I am thinking about all of you here..just don't have as much time right now to stop in.

[thegirl]

The timeline comment is the one I've gotten the most. Everyone seems to be surprised I'm not over it and moving on yet. I recently had someone ask my how I was doing and when I replied with "terrible," he asked "still?" I had the urge to punch him in the face. Everyone seems to have read about the stages of grief and how it's "supposed" to go, so they like to tell me how I should be processing things, and what stage I should be at, but when you're dealing with it, it really doesn't match up to the literature. At least mine hasn't.

I've also had to deal with "It's better this way. He freed you." Since my boyfriend's death was a suicide. My sister especially likes to push that one. I'm not sure how that line of thinking is helpful.

[DeanG001]

Dean here. I mentioned yesterday i lost my best friend this past Monday morning. I just recieved a phone call from his mom thanking me for being so close to her son. Talk about not knowing what to say? I'm in pain 24/7 over this so i cant imagine what she's going thru. And she worries about making sure she thanks me?

I wish i had that what not to say list in my hand when she called me just now. I was a blabbering idiot. Now i have that burdon on me.

There's nothing you can say to make it right. I'm thinking theres nothing worse in life than what we're all going thru right now. I'm just not elequent enough with my words like you guys are. I havent seen anyone talk about how you handled the services for your lost loved ones in any thread on here. I'm dreading the upcoming wake and funeral. I'm not very comfortable showing my emotions and i know i wont be in control of them when i get there. I hate talking like this but life sucks right now. No one should have to go thru that kind of pain in life.

Thank's very much for letting me vent.

I wish nothing but the best for everyone else suffering with a loss in here. It doesnt get worse than that.

[Caremal]

Dean- just do the best you are able to do. We all know how painful it is to get past this. hum get past it - I don't think - so get through it sort of. No mater how we look at it the pain does not go away. It gets easier as time goes on - just never goes away - or has not for me and been going on 10 months.

When I had my husbands funneral it was 2 weeks after he passed - that helped me as I could then sort of remember it.

i was such a mess after her died - i could not think straight or function. Everyone and every situation is different. When the time is here for the service you will do the best you can - and that is all you should expect.

Sending you a big hug

[DeanG001]

Thanks so much for the good advice Care. Its much appreciated. It's only been 72 hrs since i got the news so my head is still scrambled eggs. I've sorta been thru this once before, not a suicide but an untimely death of a close friend very suddenly. I didnt cry for some reason until i actually arrived at the service. Then i broke down bad in front of everyone. i'm reacting the same way this time and i know already i'm going to be hyper-emotional. I dont want that to happen again so i'm going to call my doctor and ask for a sedative for the wake.

In any event i thank you for taking the time to respond to my situation.

God Bless You dear...

dean

[blujonny]

Hi Dean, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through with your best friend. My father passed away 2 years ago, I've been on this board for what might be a while now. It can't be easy with all the emotional disturbance of what's just happened to you, as well as the drama of it all. We all have our different stories on here to tell but somehow grief is familiar to all of us it seems. If we could just figure out how to feel after all of this and possibly for you to discover a way to know what to do from here somehow, I guess that's always ideal.

Blujonny

[DeanG001]

Hi jonny, thanks so much for taking the time to wish me well. It's awfully kind of you. Im blown away from all the amazing people I've come across on this site. It's helped so much. I only wish our fellow poster thegirl was getting the same relief. If you've not read any of her posts she's having a very difficult time with the loss of her boyfriend. Take care of yourself jonny. Wish you all the best.

[GoldenAnniversary]

I hate it when people say, "he is in a better place"... I know that, but it doesn't help because I want to be in that better place too! WITH HIM!

[Silvergirl61]

"Oh, come on..it's been____ months already!". That's a sad excuse to use, when you have said or done something, to hurt a grieving person's feelings, by pushing them into or towards getting better in your time, instead of theirs- at least in my opinion, that's what it is.

And for heaven's sake, let them tell you, if they are interested in "dating" or "meeting" people- ambushing them at every turn with "eligible" members of the opposite sex is a really good way to assure that you won't be seeing them again soon!

[widower2]

Well said all!

[widower2]

...and worth bumping up, I think.

[needy]

Thank you widower2 for bumping this. I have been in one heck of a mood this last week and I couldn't figure out exactly why. I think it has been people's stupid comments this last week that has put my mood into a nose dive.

1. Contacting one of my husband's professional associations to let them know the situation. Response "guess he will be terminating his license because he is literally terminated". Professional association?? I question that.

2. Husband's brother who has travelled the globe but has no savings. His comment "I think John would want me to be there more for the kids. Can you give me money to buy a car?" Hmmm lets see my husband hadn't taken a day off work in 5 years, the answer is no.

3. Husband's sister who lives in a million dollar house calls me this week. "sorry I involved John in a law suit. Now that I lost I realized my error, could you give me money to pay the lawyer". Believe it or not her lawyer is her husband. Answer is no.

4. Had a visit with another widow that lost her husband years ago to sudden death. Visit was going very well then it turned. Her comment "I started dating 5 months after my husband's death I have the perfect match for you." Say what????

5. My office mate, who is young and really has no life experience at all. His comment "I think you should stop taking advise from people but here is my advise" Really?

Thanks again widower2 for bumping this post. I have to stop letting people's stupid comments get me down.

[Lyrik]

That was a good list of idiot-ism's!

Anyone around me who dared to dabble a toe in the ''you'll find someone, you're still young'' has been VERY abused of that notion. Verbally and LOUDLY! A few of his family members suggested it and it was just the nail in the coffin of the absolute depth of their lack of caring and respect for my husband.

His daughters who blathered on he was in a better place, were informed "sure he is" now I'm positive he's not going to notice you never called, visited or did anything beyond hit him up for money to bail your sorry butts out!!

An aquaintance of mine has decided now I have all the spare time in the world to deal with the chaos she makes of her life. Um......no. Telling me we're in the same boat cause her elderly father passed at X-mas time and we're in the "same boat" appalled me. Her husband is very much alive.

I may choke her, or just flat out run her off my doorstep.

In a shocking twist, I'd gone to see my PCP for some temp assistance with my outbursts, as he was both of our Doctor. Turns out his wife passed a month ago and when I innocently asked him ""OMG....how are you doing??!! '' he burst into tears....

Yup....I felt like a moron. While it was amazing to have my Doc fully understand what I'm going thru I would have NEVER EVER have wished this on him. It snapped me right out of my own misery.

The whole thing just rocked me back on my heels.

[bethellen]

I heard so many thoughtless comments and questions when my fiance died from liver failure at 37.

Well, he did it to himself. - ok that makes this easier - and no he didn't want to die from alcholism.

I heard you guys were having problems in your relationship.? Really? Oh yeah because alcoholism is great for a relationship.

At least he's with his brother now - (his younger brother died one year earlier from a self inflicted gunshot. My fiance found him just before he passed.) Yeah the pain of them both gone is easier because their both gone?

I know you're upset, but I can't imagine how much worse this is for his parents. I love his parents, but don't compare my pain to anyone's! This is no walk in the park for me!

You must have not really loved him since you weren't married. No comment.

He was at peace. NO HE WASN'T. After losing his voice a few days before; he yelled out to me the night before he died HELP ME. And how do you know? I was with him through the end at Hospice.

These are just some of them. I don't know what purpose my first post here serves; other than it makes me feel better to vent.

Thank you,

Beth

[MissingDaniel]

Wow! Just got through reading this thread since it got bumped up, and I have to say the depth of some people's ignorance and thoughtlessness floors me. Like some have said, I do try to take the intent of some of the comments into consideration, and know that most are meant to be helpful, but some of these.....just wrong.

I will say that I have been surprised by how so many people seem to be almost afraid of me, especially at work. They go out of their way not to walk by my office, I'm sure because they don't know what to say. But like so many have pointed out, how hard is it to say, "I'm so sorry. You are in my thoughts." It's almost more offensive to have them say nothing, because the first place my mind goes is that they don't care.

Probably the worst one for me has been the ones that want me to believe I'm better off. Because my husband had a history of substance abuse, there were some difficult times in our marriage. But we had two beautiful little girls, and I loved him more than I could ever explain. I would have stuck by him through most anything, and did. But I've had some suggest how much easier my life can be now, or maybe this was for the best. News Flash: He was recovering, had a job, and was a wonderful father to our girls, and most of all, I loved him - his death is NOT an improvement!

I did discover something this last week though. I have a close friend who is going through a very difficult time with her daughter and is scared to death that she will lose her. She has come to me for support and help, and I have found that stepping out of my grief for a moment to truly listen to her and be there for her has helped me immensely. Doesn't mean my pain is gone, but it is nice to put it aside just for a little while to help someone else. My heart goes out to all who have posted here - this has truly been the absolute worst nightmare I've ever been through, and I have all the empathy in the world for all of those experiencing it with me. Wishing peace to all of you

[His Sweetie]

At my husband's funeral, an elderly relative actually said that it was probably better this way because I already had such a burden caring for my quadriplegic son at home. I guess I didn't slap her because I was so stunned at her ignorance.

[gambitjr]

Sorry for your loss and sorry about what your relative said. Some people who really don't know what to say will just say about anything. At the funeral home, one of my elderly neighbors asked my wife if she would mind if she hired someone to clean up the branches in my back yard. Oh my, thanks for the concern.

Almost laughable, you are not alone.

God Bless,

Al

[His Sweetie]

Sorry for your loss and sorry about what your relative said. Some people who really don't know what to say will just say about anything. At the funeral home, one of my elderly neighbors asked my wife if she would mind if she hired someone to clean up the branches in my back yard. Oh my, thanks for the concern.

Almost laughable, you are not alone.

God Bless,

Al

Thanks, Al. I'm so sorry for your loss, first of all. The insensitivity some people display just gets to me. I lost my husband of 31 years April 17th, and I also lost my 33 year old son's identical twin brother shortly after birth. First thing I realized after my son's death was that my best friend never came to see me after she found out...when I finally did talk to her, she said she didn't know what to say to me. I thought then that just about anything was better than nothing at all, but after what happened at my husband's funeral, maybe I was mistaken :-/