Scared and Lost

[ericadc2]

I am new to this site as well as being newly widowed. I was married to a wonderful man and we met when we were 16. At 20, we got back together and had been together ever since. We were married in 1995 and have 2 beautiful daughters. He was a truck driver, and prided himself on providing for his family. On August 19, 2012 around 8am in the morning, I had 2 MD state troopers show up at my door telling me my husband of 17yrs had been fatally injured in a motorcycle accident. That day is so very vivid in my mind! Everything changed within seconds. Our lives were shattered and now I am left with the pain of knowing that he will never hold me again or hug his daughters again! I am so lost without him. My heart literally aches and I constantly cry. I need him back in our lives....we need him here with us! My 7yr old daughter will say 'It's ok, daddy is in a better place' but I keep thinking there wasn't anything wrong with this place...He was healthy and happy here! But then, in an instant, he was suddenly and tragically taken away from us. Everywhere I look, I see something of his. Every time I close my eyes, I see him or the accident (which I was no where near). Everything is exactly where he left it because he was supposed to be coming back home. How am I supposed to live without him??? I need to hear his voice or see his smile or feel his touch. I want to be with him so bad! I don't want to be alone! Each day seems to get harder and I don't know how to deal with any of this. Nor do I want to. Why are we given someone to love, if only to be taken away from us so soon??? He promised me we would be together forever and grow old together!! He missed his daughters birthday! He missed their first day of school! He is going to miss everything!!! I just wish the pain would go away, even if only for a little while....

I don't know if I am posting this in the right spot. If not, I am so sorry...I just needed to say something......

[flutterbys]

I think those feelings are quite natural and I find myself questioning everything too and eventually decided that asking myself why this? why that ?was never going to bring her back so i just stopped, i wouldnt say i accepted it, just stopped asking, many would probably say that is not a good thing to do, i really dont know, as i am struggling myself, but just wanted to say i understand, different lives, different stories, worlds apart, but losing a loved one brings all on this site close together and they will help us i can tell, i am new on here too but everyone is very welcoming and understanding.

[val]

Hello, my name is Val. First, please accept my condolences for your loss. I too recently lost my husband, Julh 5 2012, and i can understand and feel the pain of your tragic loss. My husband died suddenly too, in his sleep. As with you, everything is right where he left it the night before. I understand the pain is unsurmountable right now. You are in the right place. This website has helped heal me a little day by day to where i am at least no longer hysterically crying all the time. we had been together ten years. Everyone here is kind and supportive;we're all in the same boat. You can learn about the grieving process here, and that helped me recognize I wasn't going crazy, just experiencing the emotions that come with a sudden, tragic loss. Keep posting... my best to you, Val

[gunnerswife]

Hi, i am very sorry to read this.i too lost my husband i found him in bed June 21st. He had copd and was on oxygen the last couple of months but i sure didn't know i wasn't going to still have him for a long time. i alwaysd went to bed first and he would tell me he would see me in the morning but morning never came for him, when he didn't come out to get his coffee or get on the computer i thought i better check and from tha moment on my life has been horrible. you will need to have someone to talk to, counseler or someone.i was talking to a retired preacher friend last night and he said you got to talk you got to talk, you got to talk. there is a lot of talking to get out. everyone on this site is so nice, just join in and you can im any of us we will help. i miss you Scotty and love you so.

[kendi]

MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE THAT HAS SUFFERED A LOSS IN THIER LIVES. I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU ARE FEELING, MY HUSBAND JUST PASSED AWAY A MONTH AGO. HE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE HE WAS SHORT OF BREATH, AND YHE SAID PNEUMONIA. HE WAS THIER A WEEK AND GOT OUT THEN HE WENT BACK NOW HE HAD PLUERAL INFUSION THEN THEY SAID HIS LYMPH NODES IN HIS CHEST WERE SWOLLING SO THEY WANTED TO CHECK FOR CANCER. ONE BIOPSY DIDNT SHOW ANYTHING THEY RAN TEST ON HIS HEART BECAUSE IT WAS ACTING FUNNY. THAT SHOWED HIS HEART WAS WORKING AT 10%. SO WHEN HE WENT IN FOR THE SECOND BIOPSY HE HAD A CARDIAC ARREST. IT WAS JUST SUPPOSE TO BE A SIMPLE PROCEDURE. HE WAS DOWN FOR 45 MINUTES BEFORE THEY BROUGHT HIM BACK BUT BY THEN HIS BRAIN GOT NO OXYGEN. SO KENNY WAS YHERE IN BODY BUT NOT SPIRIT. I AM LIKE YIU I HAVE NOT MOVED HIS STUFF HIS CLOTHES NOTHING ON HIS TABLE. I DONT WANT THE KIDS MOVING IT EITHER.WE ALL KNOW KENNY IS NOT SUFFERING ANYMORE BUT IT IS NOT FAIR HE WAS TAKING FROM US. HE WAS SUCH A TERRIFIC PERSON I HEAR HIM TELLING ME THINGS TO. I HAVE YET TO FIGURE OUT WHY QUESTIONS COME BUT NO ANSWERS EVERYONE SAYS THINGS WILL COME IN TIME BUT I JUST WANT HIM BACK IS YHE ONLY ANSWER I NEED. I FIND MYSELF PRAYING AND ASKING FOR HELP TO GET THROUGH ALL OF THIS AND THIS SITE HAS HELPED ME IN SO MANY I

WAS READING EVERYONES STORIES AND FINDING OUT MY QUESTIONS AND FEELINGS ARE NATURAL

[Mdanielson4]

Erica,

I can tell you this site has helped me. I lost my wife of 32 years to Cancer on May16^th 2012. This date will beburned into me forever. There is nothingthat seems fair when it comes to a loss of a partner. Counseling is something I recommend, theproblem is getting the right person to talk to. Unfortunately not all councilors specialize in Grief and few of themhave lost long time partner themselves. I truly believe we all handle grief differently and there is nothing easyabout it. My advice would be surroundyour self with loved ones people you can count on and talk, cry or what ever it to takes find comfort with your familyand friends. Don’t try to go throughthis alone. I don’t have a solid supportsystem near me, so I count on this site and the wonderful people I have methere for support. I have friends thatlive a far but the pieces I have missing is being able to get that needed hugand to have a loved one hold me tight while I cry. I miss my wife she was the one that alwaysmade me feel loved.

Mike

[ericadc2]

It's been a little over a month now and things seem to be getting worse and not better. I can't believe that he is really gone nor do I really want to. Now my 7yr old daughter has started crying in her sleep and I don't know if it has anything to do with the death of her daddy...When she wakes, I ask her if she knew what she had been dreaming about and she does not remember the dream nor the crying. This too is now tearing me apart. I am at a loss. I get mad when I wake and find that I have to face another day knowing he is not here with me. I am still constantly crying, although I try to do it in private so no one sees since they don't seem to understand. The pain is utterly unbearable and I don't see how anyone can go on once they lose the 'love of their life'...I am in a fog...and it sucks that it's not bad enough to lose someone, then you have to do all the paperwork and legalities that your mind is in no shape to handle. And I always thought the memories we made were supposed to make me happy but instead those also tear me apart. Everywhere I go, there is something of his but I can't even fathom the thought of parting with any of it....He is the first thing I think of when I wake, the last thing I think of before I sleep, and all the thoughts in between. I need him...We need him...I love and miss you Travis with every ounce of my being!!!!

[val]

Dear Erica, it is Val. I too have everything just as it was when Jerry died here at home on July 5 2012. The unanswered questions remain; i am still waiting on a final death cert. and cause of death. There is no easy way around this grief process I am coming to find out. Just to go through it. I am finally getting to a point where i don't cry all the time, not so much at work, but when i come home at night i do.I too have to deal with selling his car and other legalities. not to mention we went from two incomes down to one, it is very hard financially. keep coming back and posting and reading. the chat room helps me too. i started to see a therapist and am on an antidepressant which seems to take the edge off a bit. my heart breaks for you as i read your post. i want to let you know we are all in the same boat, or similar ones. love, val

[val]

Dear Erica, it is Val. I too have everything just as it was when Jerry died here at home on July 5 2012. The unanswered questions remain; i am still waiting on a final death cert. and cause of death. There is no easy way around this grief process I am coming to find out. Just to go through it. I am finally getting to a point where i don't cry all the time, not so much at work, but when i come home at night i do.I too have to deal with selling his car and other legalities. not to mention we went from two incomes down to one, it is very hard financially. keep coming back and posting and reading. the chat room helps me too. i started to see a therapist and am on an antidepressant which seems to take the edge off a bit. my heart breaks for you as i read your post. i want to let you know we are all in the same boat, or similar ones. love, val

[UnderHis Wings]

Erica, how I wish I could help! I'm crying more now, too. I haven't received any insurance money yet, and the insurance on the mortgage hasn't been paid either. At least, I told the loan company to come get the car and they did. So I don't owe anything on that.

Down the road things will get better. So far, I've survived everything that ever happened to me. And all of it is for a reason; we just don't know the reason yet. Look for opportunities to bless others while you are going through this.

I'll be thinking of you.

[naty0123]

Hello Erica, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on May 11, 2012. Me and our10 yr old found him dead in our bed. He died at 34 due to a heart attack. He had no health problems. I am in a constant black cloud all day. I too have been with him since I was 17.. I am lost and scared all the time. I have days that I just cant get out of bed. Our lives have changed forever. We are now here alone raising our children. I have had to shut a business down because he was the main one that ran it so I am looking for work now to become the head of my house.

Everyday I ask why???? He was a great husband and father. He was my breath and now he is gone. I pray God will let me hear something of him. Everything is where he left it as well. I look at his chair and cry and cry because I want to look over and see him smile or tell me some crazy joke. I am really lost and I too am not sure how to move forward. I need him so bad..Our daughters are taking it hard too. I dont now how to comfort them because they want answers and I have none. I am glad to have this website to discuss our pain. I will pray for you and your family.

[Silvergirl61]

Oh, Erica! I too, am sorry for your loss. I lost my Dennis on August 26th, two days after his heart attack, and he never realy regained consciousness after that terrible night. I came home to a great meal, we were talking and laughing ,as usual, but he was rubbing at his chest, and left the room...and never made it back to the table. I constantly ask myself why? I can't move his things. I can't stop crying, and missing him, and I just want him to come back and say it was all a mistake....

We are all here to talk to, and although we can't know how it is for you exactly, it seems we all share some of the same feelings, and some of the same fears..and coming here? I don't feel so terribly alone, and lost, and wrong anymore. It helps, at least as much as anything does.

I hope coming and talking here helps you, too. I will say a little prayer for you and hope it helps in some small way.