My son is gone

[Angel'sSon]

On August 15th, 2012, my 30 year old son shot himself in the head with a gun. He had a great job, a wife and beautiful baby girl, 9 months old. He had started drinking recently and never gave anyone a sign that there was anything wrong. He was my best friend. I'm really having a hard time with this. I just need to hear other stories so I can relate to. I hope I'm in the right group. I'm new to this.

[tantraman8]

On August 15th, 2012, my 30 year old son shot himself in the head with a gun. He had a great job, a wife and beautiful baby girl, 9 months old. He had started drinking recently and never gave anyone a sign that there was anything wrong. He was my best friend. I'm really having a hard time with this. I just need to hear other stories so I can relate to. I hope I'm in the right group. I'm new to this.

Dear Angel,

You are in the right place. You may want to post in "Loss of an Adult Child" though. There are many people who have lost children from age adolescent to adult like yours an mine. My son Josh, died of an accidental overdose on April 25th of this year. He had just gotten a new apartment, furnished it, and was looking forward to me coming to Ohio this summer so we could go fishing and be together with the rest of his siblings and his nieces and nephews. Josh had six years of sobriety, relapsed for two years, went back to treatment, was in a half way house, relapsed again for two weeks culminating in the overdose.

Your "really hard time" is exactly what my life has been like since Josh passed. When he first died it felt like someone had blown a hole in my chest. It has been the worst pain, sadness and loneliness I have felt in my life EVER. I am not able to sleep without medication. I was off of work from the day he died until May 21st, and have recently cut back on my hours because I was exhausted both physically and emotionally. At times, if it were not for my three other adult children, I would not want to be on this earth. I could go on, but I want to switch gears.

The people on this site are WONDERFUL. They get it like others do not. Some are much further on their healing journey than you and I and they have given me reality checks, compassion when I could not find it for myself, and hope with some of their own stories and healing. I look on here every day and I post frequently. This, my few friends, and my Facebook friend have been my lifeline. I know I cannot grieve Josh alone. No matter how old a child is when they pass, for me it's like losing one of my babies.

I was on my way out the door when I read your post. I had to reply before I went out. Post on "Loss of an Adult Child." There is love, support, and understanding here.

David

[hotrod]

angel son

I moved your post to this board

Loss of an Adult Child 1232056 →

[Jeff's Mom]

HI Angel, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this heartache. Our son went into his room on December 12th. 2009 and took his life. We were a mere few rooms away. He had fallen into a deep depression. He was a beautiful person both inside and out. Everyone loved him...except he could not like himself. He worked for a temporary employment placement agency started by an ex cop friend of his. They found jobs for street people. It was a very tough job. He saw the hard side to life and unfortunately it started to drag him down. That particular day we had spent in the city. It was a Saturday and he spent it alone at our cottage. When we returned he appeared to be normal. We sat down to dinner and he joked around as always. We had absolutely no idea. He got up from the table and walked into his room and closed the door. Several hours later they pushed him past us in a body bag while I sat stunned and in disbelief as it did not seem possible. Today, even after all of this time I am still finding myself sinking into sadness and fighting the pain.

Please know that many that are on this site have suffered the loss of their precious child such as we have. You are not alone and please come here to talk about anything you would like to share. Stay strong. We are here for you!

Kate

Kate

[Angel'sSon]

I read each one's comments. I'm new to this and it's not letting me reply to each individual post. It helps to relate to your comments. I know I'm not alone here. Each day is getting worse. People are telling me to think good thoughts about my son and think possitive. I'm sick of hearing that. They don't know what it's like to lose a loved one. I don't want to get out and go anywhere. I think about my son every minute that I'm awake. Seeing him in that casket and wanting him to open his eyes and say I love you mom just one more time. I'm sorry for each and every one who has lost a loved one. It hurts so bad!!!

[Peanuts mom]

[i can so relate to that feeling of wanting everyone to leave you be... With today being my birthday, everyone wanted me to go out an have fun... The last thing i want to do right now is have fun... I'd much rather sit around an cry... I hear that it wont always feel this way, but gosh darn it, thats what i am feeling right now and thats okay with me...

[Angel'sSon]

[i can so relate to that feeling of wanting everyone to leave you be... With today being my birthday, everyone wanted me to go out an have fun... The last thing i want to do right now is have fun... I'd much rather sit around an cry... I hear that it wont always feel this way, but gosh darn it, thats what i am feeling right now and thats okay with me...

That's what I want to do is just cry. I'm so tired of people asking me if I'm ok. Well no I'm not. I don't understand how this can be happening. I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I'm going to wake up and my son will be here to give me a hug and say I Love You. I just talked to guy on facebook and he said that 3 years ago, his girlfriend was killed in a car wreck and he still isn't over it. I don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life.

[Angel'sSon]

HI Angel, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this heartache. Our son went into his room on December 12th. 2009 and took his life. We were a mere few rooms away. He had fallen into a deep depression. He was a beautiful person both inside and out. Everyone loved him...except he could not like himself. He worked for a temporary employment placement agency started by an ex cop friend of his. They found jobs for street people. It was a very tough job. He saw the hard side to life and unfortunately it started to drag him down. That particular day we had spent in the city. It was a Saturday and he spent it alone at our cottage. When we returned he appeared to be normal. We sat down to dinner and he joked around as always. We had absolutely no idea. He got up from the table and walked into his room and closed the door. Several hours later they pushed him past us in a body bag while I sat stunned and in disbelief as it did not seem possible. Today, even after all of this time I am still finding myself sinking into sadness and fighting the pain.

Please know that many that are on this site have suffered the loss of their precious child such as we have. You are not alone and please come here to talk about anything you would like to share. Stay strong. We are here for you!

Kate

Kate

Kate, My son's wife had just gone to bed and he was up listening to music. A loud bang woke her up, she went in the livingroom and found him sitting on the couch where he had put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. She will always have that horrible nightmare. I'm still not wanting to believe that my son is gone. When she came and told me I couldn't even cry. I just kept saying no this is not happening over and over. I still don't want to believe it, but I know it's happened. What you said about having no idea, I know that feeling too. I just don't know anymore.Everything is so confusing and I feel like I'm numb or in a daze!

[Angel'sSon]

Dear Angel,

You are in the right place. You may want to post in "Loss of an Adult Child" though. There are many people who have lost children from age adolescent to adult like yours an mine. My son Josh, died of an accidental overdose on April 25th of this year. He had just gotten a new apartment, furnished it, and was looking forward to me coming to Ohio this summer so we could go fishing and be together with the rest of his siblings and his nieces and nephews. Josh had six years of sobriety, relapsed for two years, went back to treatment, was in a half way house, relapsed again for two weeks culminating in the overdose.

Your "really hard time" is exactly what my life has been like since Josh passed. When he first died it felt like someone had blown a hole in my chest. It has been the worst pain, sadness and loneliness I have felt in my life EVER. I am not able to sleep without medication. I was off of work from the day he died until May 21st, and have recently cut back on my hours because I was exhausted both physically and emotionally. At times, if it were not for my three other adult children, I would not want to be on this earth. I could go on, but I want to switch gears.

The people on this site are WONDERFUL. They get it like others do not. Some are much further on their healing journey than you and I and they have given me reality checks, compassion when I could not find it for myself, and hope with some of their own stories and healing. I look on here every day and I post frequently. This, my few friends, and my Facebook friend have been my lifeline. I know I cannot grieve Josh alone. No matter how old a child is when they pass, for me it's like losing one of my babies.

I was on my way out the door when I read your post. I had to reply before I went out. Post on "Loss of an Adult Child." There is love, support, and understanding here.

David

I do believe that this site will help me as far as knowing there are others that I can relate to. I have 2 girls, but they both live out of the state. I am on medication for sleep also. I was really close to my son and I feel like It's a nightmare. It's been a little over 3 weeks now and each day is getting worse. I'm just glad that I found this website so I know that I'm not alone in the feelings that I'm having. Thanks for sharing your story with me. It's time for me to get some sleep.At least when I'm asleep, I'm not thinking about my son every minute that I'm awake.

[Angel'sSon]

Dear Angel,

You are in the right place. You may want to post in "Loss of an Adult Child" though. There are many people who have lost children from age adolescent to adult like yours an mine. My son Josh, died of an accidental overdose on April 25th of this year. He had just gotten a new apartment, furnished it, and was looking forward to me coming to Ohio this summer so we could go fishing and be together with the rest of his siblings and his nieces and nephews. Josh had six years of sobriety, relapsed for two years, went back to treatment, was in a half way house, relapsed again for two weeks culminating in the overdose.

Your "really hard time" is exactly what my life has been like since Josh passed. When he first died it felt like someone had blown a hole in my chest. It has been the worst pain, sadness and loneliness I have felt in my life EVER. I am not able to sleep without medication. I was off of work from the day he died until May 21st, and have recently cut back on my hours because I was exhausted both physically and emotionally. At times, if it were not for my three other adult children, I would not want to be on this earth. I could go on, but I want to switch gears.

The people on this site are WONDERFUL. They get it like others do not. Some are much further on their healing journey than you and I and they have given me reality checks, compassion when I could not find it for myself, and hope with some of their own stories and healing. I look on here every day and I post frequently. This, my few friends, and my Facebook friend have been my lifeline. I know I cannot grieve Josh alone. No matter how old a child is when they pass, for me it's like losing one of my babies.

I was on my way out the door when I read your post. I had to reply before I went out. Post on "Loss of an Adult Child." There is love, support, and understanding here.

David

I do believe that this site will help me as far as knowing there are others that I can relate to. I have 2 girls, but they both live out of the state. I am on medication for sleep also. I was really close to my son and I feel like It's a nightmare. It's been a little over 3 weeks now and each day is getting worse. I'm just glad that I found this website so I know that I'm not alone in the feelings that I'm having. Thanks for sharing your story with me. It's time for me to get some sleep.At least when I'm asleep, I'm not thinking about my son every minute that I'm awake.

[Angel'sSon]

I don't think I'm responding to these posts correctly. My reply's don't look right. I'm so tired that I will have to get back on here tomorrow and try to figure it out

[Angel'sSon]

I've slept all day and today and it's all worse today. My mind just won't stop thinking about my son. This is a nightmare and I want to wake up. The funeral plays over in my mind. I'm in a state of confusion

[Angel'sSon]

angel son

I moved your post to this board

Loss of an Adult Child 1232056 →

Thanks!!

[Angel'sSon]

Another bad day!!!

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Angel, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I truly do understand the pain you are feeling right now. Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk. I am walking in your shoes, but only a little bit further ahead on the journey. Please try to take good care of yourself and I know it may not seem like it as this time, but you will somehow manage to keep going.

Kate

[Angel'sSon]

Hi Angel, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I truly do understand the pain you are feeling right now. Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk. I am walking in your shoes, but only a little bit further ahead on the journey. Please try to take good care of yourself and I know it may not seem like it as this time, but you will somehow manage to keep going.

Kate

Kate, Each day is getting worse. Mom finally got me out of the house today and I just wanted to come back home. In 3 days, it will be a month since my son passed away. I can't help but just think about him and wanting him back. I want this to be a nightmare, but I know it's not!!!

[Angel'sSon]

You left this world too soon. I think about you every minute that I'm awake. It's almost more than I can take. Sometimes, I feel I'm going to break, but I have to go on as my heart aches!!! Love you, son!!!

[Angel'sSon]

My son...Tomorrow will be a month when you passed away. It's going to be a bad day. As you see, I have people on here that have gone through losing a loved one. You were the light of my life. My friend when I needed to talk. My protector or at least you tried to be!! I miss you soooo bad. I still don't know why this happened to you. The funeral goes through my mind over and over. And when I heard that you had shot yourself and didn't make it, I was in shock!!! Not my son!!!! I just can't stop thinking about you. I love you soooo much and you know that's a fact!!!! I miss you and love you my son, MOM!!!!!!!!

[cas1984]

I'm sick to my stomach today. All I can think about is being w Cassidy! He needs me he always needed me. I dont know if heaven exists but it feels like a fairy tale so we can cope better w death. Who wrote this bible that bible? Ive never questioned fait before well not like this not till I lost my Cas now its alwayz in my mind. I dealt w 6 yrs of drama 2 girls who made him want to be as high as he cud so he cud face her abuse mental harsh words. using her daughter his baby girl to get what he wanted. Im not blaming them for his death but for 6 yrs this was so enevitable. cops here always not for me and my husband but for my son and his nutcase suicidal for attention and to keep him girlfriend.She drove him so crazy tho I didnt condone a relationship w her younger sister he turned to her not having a clue she was crushing on him hard and he wud run all my errands and like his mama had more opposite sex friends than same. he fell hard! they had a baby together but it alwayz was nothing more after she got him it was just a sister challenge playing w his heart everybody played w his heart till he died he never got to feel loved happiness i was his biggest supporter his best friend and as i mentioned before ppl say he or she was my best friend but we truly knew what being best friends were when i went thru what i thought was a tragedy wasnt i got cheated on in my marriage by my navy husband in a scary country aids capital of the world so bad came to worse..i lost my memory to a age where there was no hurt no trama no drama.. its called disassociative abnesia so i was 17 in my mind many many details i had two businesses in massage and tanning yet all i knew as a 17 yr old was being a habilitation tech for handicapped profound how was i to keep my business i was stuck in the 80 s devastated of planes living in hawaii and this 13 14 yr old calling me mama being married my ids were so devastating to see me in my 30s And the clothes i wore blondr hair but who sufferred more was my son he had to live without a mama for a yr. they said its the bodies way of protecting itself from harm suicide u go back in ur mind to a easier careffree time but cas had no mother and a navy step father who was a compulsive cheater & even counseling said take it or leave it when hes on 6 mo deployments he cant be without a woman. dont get me wrong he was a great step dad who i cant find to let him know his boy is gone but how i tried. he cooked he cleaned he baked he was good to me except he was a cheater but all military wives go thru this my heart cudnt look the other way let alone let him touch me so i left the best thing that ever happened to my son.. Selfish cus had I not so much of this wudnt of happened.. My son my precious young son lost me for a yr and it hurt him not being aloud to call me mom my shepard collie was so protective of me iand we were like 1 but i was devastated of this huge dog so she sufferred too.. I screwed up everything and it took my sons death to get all the hurt friend or not he needed his mama for direction. ya we roller bladed he taught me i taught him to backwards skate we hung out as friends till I got my memory back a yr later. As much fun and secrets we shared he needed me his Mom first & Id cringe if he called me mama or mom bcus i went back to 1984 when I was dating his dad trying to have a baby to love me alwayz. we lived in our own apt and suddenly im in 1997 have a 13 yr old married to a 30 something guy & my world changed scary for me so everyone pacified me & others back home in Az tried to get me to remember who they were and what fun we had . my best best male friend moved to hawaii one month after we did cus hed rather have some of our time then none but Few yrs later when i lost my memory he cudnt handle that i forgot him! If I cant remember having a son how can I remember him.. My son lost his Mama now I lost my son payback How do I go on everyday without him? Everyday is harder finding him while in a wheelchair helpless kills me that I was too late right in the next room. Im sry I cant text anymore right now

[cas1984]

You are so right! Seeing my son in the casket trying to get in w him wishing it was a nitemare. Im glad I read all ur stories. everybody has alwayz said bunny can do it bunny is strong binny will find a way my weak point..YOU FOUND IT! MY ONLY GOD GIVEN CHILD. I JUST WANT TO WAKE UP. I FEEL LIKE I BROUGHT EVERYBODY IN MY NITEMARE & CANT AS BEFORE GET OUT OF IT. CAS WAS SCARED OF DEATH AS I WAS BUT MY ONLY FEAR IS DYING AND NOT FINDING HIM. HIM NOT REMEMBERING ME REINCARNATION BEING REAL. HES BORN TO AN ABUSIVE CRAZY FAMILY. MAYBE HIS PUNISHMENT FOR ALL HIS SINS WAS OUR WORST NITEMARE NOT BEING ABLE TO COMMUNICATE TO EACHOTHER. I WONT BE ON HERE MUCH LONGER CUS IM AN HONEST PERSON I CANT & WONT LIVE WITHOUT HIM! I CANT BREATHE WITHOUT HIM. FOR 6 YRS DRUGS PILLS WAS HIS ADDICTION BUT HES MY ADDICTION HES MY LOVE MY BEST FRIEND MY SOUL & WE SHARE ONE HEART AND WHEN HE DIED SO DID I SO DID I. HOW DOES ANYONE DO THIS? THANK U FOR ALL UR STORIES AND I HOPE U ALL BEAUTIFUL HURT TORN APART SOULS ARE STRONGER THAN ME. IM A COWARD SON DEPENDENT SO I GET I FINALLY GET HIS PAIN PILL ADDICTION. I FEEL ALL WHAT U FEEL EXCEPT GUESS WHAT ALL MY FRIENDS OF 20 PLUS YRS ABANDONED ME SINCE THE FUNERAL. WHY AM I STILL HERE? FOR MY SERVICE DOG? THE KIND OF HELP I NEED I CANT GET I HOPE U ALL HEAL DAY BY DAY& THO YOU WILL NEVER FORGET ATLEAST UR NOT STUCK TO UR BED IN UR ROOM W UR PHONE BEING UNSOCIALABLE. WHY HIM WHY NOT ME I LIVED 46 YRS I TRIED FOR 8 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS TO BE WITHOUT.. I CANT! CRYING DEPRESSION IS NO WAY TO LIVE. IM NOT LIVING IM ALIVE! Bunny Lee Cassidy Lei's Mama

[cas1984]

You are so right! Seeing my son in the casket trying to get in w him wishing it was a nitemare. Im glad I read all ur stories. everybody has alwayz said bunny can do it bunny is strong binny will find a way my weak point..YOU FOUND IT! MY ONLY GOD GIVEN CHILD. I JUST WANT TO WAKE UP. I FEEL LIKE I BROUGHT EVERYBODY IN MY NITEMARE & CANT AS BEFORE GET OUT OF IT. CAS WAS SCARED OF DEATH AS I WAS BUT MY ONLY FEAR IS DYING AND NOT FINDING HIM. HIM NOT REMEMBERING ME REINCARNATION BEING REAL. HES BORN TO AN ABUSIVE CRAZY FAMILY. MAYBE HIS PUNISHMENT FOR ALL HIS SINS WAS OUR WORST NITEMARE NOT BEING ABLE TO COMMUNICATE TO EACHOTHER. I WONT BE ON HERE MUCH LONGER CUS IM AN HONEST PERSON I CANT & WONT LIVE WITHOUT HIM! I CANT BREATHE WITHOUT HIM. FOR 6 YRS DRUGS PILLS WAS HIS ADDICTION BUT HES MY ADDICTION HES MY LOVE MY BEST FRIEND MY SOUL & WE SHARE ONE HEART AND WHEN HE DIED SO DID I SO DID I. HOW DOES ANYONE DO THIS? THANK U FOR ALL UR STORIES AND I HOPE U ALL BEAUTIFUL HURT TORN APART SOULS ARE STRONGER THAN ME. IM A COWARD SON DEPENDENT SO I GET I FINALLY GET HIS PAIN PILL ADDICTION. I FEEL ALL WHAT U FEEL EXCEPT GUESS WHAT ALL MY FRIENDS OF 20 PLUS YRS ABANDONED ME SINCE THE FUNERAL. WHY AM I STILL HERE? FOR MY SERVICE DOG? THE KIND OF HELP I NEED I CANT GET I HOPE U ALL HEAL DAY BY DAY& THO YOU WILL NEVER FORGET ATLEAST UR NOT STUCK TO UR BED IN UR ROOM W UR PHONE BEING UNSOCIALABLE. WHY HIM WHY NOT ME I LIVED 46 YRS I TRIED FOR 8 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS TO BE WITHOUT.. I CANT! CRYING DEPRESSION IS NO WAY TO LIVE. IM NOT LIVING IM ALIVE! Bunny Lee Cassidy Lei's Mama

[cas1984]

David,I feel ur pain. Cassidy went thru his evil addiction for 6 yrs right after my roommate passed away at the foot of my bed never woke up we found out accidental overdose which hurt me deeply roommate best friend. loved him dearly bought the house in 2006 3 months later he dies. Cassidy was never the same. All he cud do was take his hurt away from the loss of Roy & not being able to see his daughter..Everyone told us hes a Mamas boy or we were too close. I got mad over the drug situation and lies so we didnt talk for 30 days till he made my stubborness go away a when he came over one day and said " Mama plz stop being so stubborn Im sry Im human Something can happen to one of us pls hug me u alwayz say lifes too short its been a month I miss u guys I miss my Mama I love u!" it now rips me apart cus the next day we had plans to go to the fair he invited me & instead I get a call hes in jail for two months Thanksgiving His Birthday Christmas & New Years he got out on the 4 th 9 days later he died the day before he died he looked so healthy clean drug free & a little unsure of how to behave he taught me that whole day to drive a stickshift scary but he risked it. and we went shopping for his missed bday i got him a jacket he loved he went back to the halfway house & called to see if he cud come home I was tired I just wanted to sleep it had been 3 yrs since I went to bed early it was 1030 10 45 then at 12 I answered he came home late dont knw the time but he said sleep Mama we'll talk in the morning & the next day he never woke. I woke n woke n shook n tickled his warm foot & said Ill let him sleep hes been thru so much let him sleep never did death cross my mind! Why wud it 27 yrs old healthy & his body was warm I just askd him at 5 am when I heard him making ow sounds if he was ok and so quickly & fine he said Im ok mama I £ove u Mama!"

[Angel'sSon]

My son passed away a month ago today!!! My boyfriend took me to see the grave. All I could do was stare and couldn't even cry. What's wrong with me, I just can't cry. I think of the last memory of my son, laying in that casket hoping he would open his eyes. I didn't want to let go of his cold hand, but I had to when it was time for the funeral to start. Wanting him back so bad, but I know that can't happen! I'm so angry that his life was taken at 30 yrs. old. I'm not sure if I've even laughed since was taken from me!! I keep saying Why, like a lot of you do here!!! Thanks for sharing all of your stories of loved ones on here!!!! I have to remember that I'm not alone!!! Why can't I cry???