Members retrored Posted September 5, 2012 Members Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 Hi everyone,On the Monday just past, I had to get my cat Henry put down. Henry adopted me when I bought my house a couple of years ago. He had left behind by his previous owners- malnourished, ill treated and alone. Being the animal lover that I am, I decided to take him in, he needed to be coaxed at first- but soon became the most loving, gentle and placid animal. He was a tom though, so he wandered unless kept inside- and seemed to get in a few scraps every now and then. Henry had been sick when I first found him. In the beginning, I didn't realise how ill he was- it was only after a chest infection last year that I discovered he had Feline AIDS and was pretty much prone to sickness at every possibility. I read that I could keep him well though, despite having AIDS and he continued to be healthy for many, many months. He gained weight and was doing well.Last Monday, I decided to take the next step and get him desexed. This seemed logical enough, he'd wander less and possibly go less 'crazy' around cat season. The operation went well- but after a few days of having him home he started dripping urine everywhere, all over the house- he was also agitated. I waited until the weekend to take him to the vet- at which they said he had a serious bladder infection and that he'd need an operation and a catheter inserted. I went ahead with this.On the Sunday it was reported to me that he was doing well- he just had to urinate on his own. I believed that he'd be okay, knowing this, but it clearly wasn't the case.Monday came and the vet said that Henry still hadn't urinated on his own. She gave me the option of inserting another catheter but she was neither here nor there about whether he'd recover. This left me floundering about what I could do. I hate that the vet was not specific about his health. I absolutely hate it, despite her being so caring toward me and my cat. She wasn't specific about what I should do- and I'd never been put in such an insane position. I had no idea what to think.I went to see Henry that afternoon at the vet with my boyfriend- I don't know how I feel about this particular memory. I can only describe myself at the time as hysterical. Crying into Henry's fur as I stroked him and told him I loved him. He'd nuzzle at my hands and try and come to me. My boyfriend and I both couldn't stop crying. I've never ever felt a pain like it. I want to feel that this is a good memory, that I got to pat Henry, have him be that affectionate animal that I knew so well- yet, all I wanted, all I yearned for was to have him at home with me. Sitting on my lap, on my shoulder, wherever he used to lie- I had to stop myself from yanking him out of the cage and running away. I feel like I'm going to be sick every time I think about it.My boyfriend, as did several of my family members believed that it would be best to put Henry down. In a way I agreed also, but couldn't (and still can't) help but think he could have had a chance. Even if it was small. My boyfriend helped me decide on the day- but I feel like I was rushed into my decision and that the vet was never clear enough about whether he'd make a recovery. She kept reminding me that that this cycle of things not working could continue- and that only some cats recovered if they kept pressing. Despite knowing he was in pain, I'm absolutely devastated by my choice. My 'What if''s are endless- "What if we'd tried another catheter? Kept him in one more night? What if I hadn't got him desexed...would the infection still have happened?"I feel completely and utterly gutted. I hate being around my house now. I hate seeing areas where he should be. I hate not having him on my bed at night and not being able to feed or pat him. He was the most loving animal- he'd wait for me on my front fence to get home- follow me constantly, like a little shadow. He almost seemed to know when I was sad- he'd cuddle up to me as close as he could and press his head against mine. He only ever showed love- he just wanted to love everyone. He had a dog's personality- not a typical cats.How can I go on if I still believed there was a chance he'd live? How will I get over my grief if all I feel is guilt? All I wanted was to have him at home and now all I have left is gut wrenching feelings. I'm hating my life at the moment. I am numb, I've run out of tears. I'm running on little sleep and little food- I have never been in such a perfect hell.Please, I need help, I need to talk to someone, anyone, about this.Erin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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