Members kimd153 Posted September 3, 2012 Members Report Share Posted September 3, 2012 I lost my beautiful 19 year old son on the 9th August this year to a suspected drug overdose. My baby did not have a good life. During his younger years, his biological father & grandfather sexually abused him. I was not always around & certainly not there to protect him when he needed me most. I was young, immature & my parents raised him alot whilst I tried to find myself. When I met my current partner & my darling angel was 7 years old, I found motherhood & adulthood virtually overnight. So I guess you could say I had 12 good years with my boy before he found true peace. In those 12 years, I tried to make up for 7 of those lost. At 14, he began having mental health issues & divulged what had happened to him, we went to the police & they were both charged. His biological father later committed suicide prior to the court hearing. My son never got to hear him weep for his freedom in court. Sadly, I believe my son blamed himself somewhat for his fathers death. Over the last few years, my son tried to commit suicide. Twice in the space of 6 months last year, he ended up on in ICU on life support. But he pulled through both times only to begin the downward spiral again. He had been kicked out of home prior to the first attempt which had him in ICU as he was self harming & overdosing, stealing & scaring myself & his 4 year old step brother so we had no choice in the end to organise for him to live independently. But a serious overdose when not living at home & spending 3 weeks in ICU had him come home with us, we welcomed him home with open arms hoping he would stop the drugs, the prescription meds he was addicted do that were basically legal highs anyway & get back to work or study & continue with counselling. But it didn't last long & he was self harming, cutting himself into pieces in his room for his 4 year old brother to see & drug induced psychosises with the police out to our home constantly that he again had to leave. We had him in literally every private psychiatric hospital in Perth along with every public. He would mostly be kicked out of all of the private hospitals for 'breaking the rules' or public for he is fine, nothing wrong with him, it's wrong to keep him detained, better for him to discharge. He ended up living with a woman my age who he developed a relationship with which sometimes worried me but all I wanted was for him to be happy & healthy. He moved in with her but their relationship was destructive to both of them as she had mental health issues & drug addiction herself. Another serious suicide attempt led him to ICU whilst he was with her. After his 2nd discharge from ICU, he was so adament, no more drugs or meds Mum. I am going to get better for you, for Alex (his little 4 year old brother). But as quickly as he was brought into hospital, he was discharged & back where he started with little support & resources no matter who we tried. I went to the Media, the Government, nothing helped us. On 9th August, my 19 year old ended up in a hotel room with the woman my age & they both took heroin. She lived, my son did not. On 9th August, my entire world changed. My emotions have gone from despair, shock, numbness, guilt, all of which I have read is normal in grief articles on the internet & counselling arranged through my employer. The 9th August wasn't that long ago it seems but it also seems like an eternity. I am yet to return to work but have arranged to go back next week as I need to have some 'normaility' return to my life. My employer has been an amazing level of support as have my family & friends. That I am very grateful for. I keep asking myself what else could I have done to protect my son from that night that took his life. Ironically, just to add fuel to the fire, he & the woman my age had split up & my son ended up in a mental health facility for nearly 2 weeks whilst I found him a unit to live on his own. He discharged himself from the unit a day early to go & be with her & stay in a hotel for one week before they found somewhere to live together & the day he died, I had organised to get the paperwork & payment arranged for a unit I found for him to live in. I keep thinking, if only I had done this a day earlier, would he still be alive. I have read over & over again in articles on grief, that beating yourself up, constantly asking what if will do nothing to bring your loved one back. I know that but I still can't stop asking. Are their parents out there who continue to ask what if years later? My son's 20th birthday was on the 19th August, 10 days after his death. Father's day was celebrated yesterday in Australia. His step dad was his real father, the real father he never had. I gave him a present from my son just as though he was here. Nothing will ever change. We have my son's ashes at home now so he's here with us. I miss him so much, I hope he is happy & finally at peace. I know I have to get myself better for our 4 year old son who desperately needs me & is struggling with all of these emotions. Has anyone else had little one's to care for when they have lost an adult child, how did you cope, what did you tell them? I'm so lost but grateful I found this forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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