New here - Grieving Mum in Australia

[kimd153]

I lost my beautiful 19 year old son on the 9th August this year to a suspected drug overdose. My baby did not have a good life. During his younger years, his biological father & grandfather sexually abused him. I was not always around & certainly not there to protect him when he needed me most. I was young, immature & my parents raised him alot whilst I tried to find myself. When I met my current partner & my darling angel was 7 years old, I found motherhood & adulthood virtually overnight. So I guess you could say I had 12 good years with my boy before he found true peace. In those 12 years, I tried to make up for 7 of those lost. At 14, he began having mental health issues & divulged what had happened to him, we went to the police & they were both charged. His biological father later committed suicide prior to the court hearing. My son never got to hear him weep for his freedom in court. Sadly, I believe my son blamed himself somewhat for his fathers death. Over the last few years, my son tried to commit suicide. Twice in the space of 6 months last year, he ended up on in ICU on life support. But he pulled through both times only to begin the downward spiral again. He had been kicked out of home prior to the first attempt which had him in ICU as he was self harming & overdosing, stealing & scaring myself & his 4 year old step brother so we had no choice in the end to organise for him to live independently. But a serious overdose when not living at home & spending 3 weeks in ICU had him come home with us, we welcomed him home with open arms hoping he would stop the drugs, the prescription meds he was addicted do that were basically legal highs anyway & get back to work or study & continue with counselling. But it didn't last long & he was self harming, cutting himself into pieces in his room for his 4 year old brother to see & drug induced psychosises with the police out to our home constantly that he again had to leave. We had him in literally every private psychiatric hospital in Perth along with every public. He would mostly be kicked out of all of the private hospitals for 'breaking the rules' or public for he is fine, nothing wrong with him, it's wrong to keep him detained, better for him to discharge. He ended up living with a woman my age who he developed a relationship with which sometimes worried me but all I wanted was for him to be happy & healthy. He moved in with her but their relationship was destructive to both of them as she had mental health issues & drug addiction herself. Another serious suicide attempt led him to ICU whilst he was with her. After his 2nd discharge from ICU, he was so adament, no more drugs or meds Mum. I am going to get better for you, for Alex (his little 4 year old brother). But as quickly as he was brought into hospital, he was discharged & back where he started with little support & resources no matter who we tried. I went to the Media, the Government, nothing helped us. On 9th August, my 19 year old ended up in a hotel room with the woman my age & they both took heroin. She lived, my son did not. On 9th August, my entire world changed. My emotions have gone from despair, shock, numbness, guilt, all of which I have read is normal in grief articles on the internet & counselling arranged through my employer. The 9th August wasn't that long ago it seems but it also seems like an eternity. I am yet to return to work but have arranged to go back next week as I need to have some 'normaility' return to my life. My employer has been an amazing level of support as have my family & friends. That I am very grateful for. I keep asking myself what else could I have done to protect my son from that night that took his life. Ironically, just to add fuel to the fire, he & the woman my age had split up & my son ended up in a mental health facility for nearly 2 weeks whilst I found him a unit to live on his own. He discharged himself from the unit a day early to go & be with her & stay in a hotel for one week before they found somewhere to live together & the day he died, I had organised to get the paperwork & payment arranged for a unit I found for him to live in. I keep thinking, if only I had done this a day earlier, would he still be alive. I have read over & over again in articles on grief, that beating yourself up, constantly asking what if will do nothing to bring your loved one back. I know that but I still can't stop asking. Are their parents out there who continue to ask what if years later? My son's 20th birthday was on the 19th August, 10 days after his death. Father's day was celebrated yesterday in Australia. His step dad was his real father, the real father he never had. I gave him a present from my son just as though he was here. Nothing will ever change. We have my son's ashes at home now so he's here with us. I miss him so much, I hope he is happy & finally at peace. I know I have to get myself better for our 4 year old son who desperately needs me & is struggling with all of these emotions. Has anyone else had little one's to care for when they have lost an adult child, how did you cope, what did you tell them? I'm so lost but grateful I found this forum.

[hotrod]

Dear Lukesmum

Welcome to our warm comforting site. I am so very glad that you found us and took the time to share your sadness and pain. I do understand the loneliness, the self doubt, the dreadful and fear of which you speak. I lost my only child, Stephen over 5 years ago to the effects of alcoholism. He too had found a women close to my age , who shared his view of the world and his "Love of Wine" and the "Fast Life" He often told me I was ancient history. and that she was his family now.

Please know that alcoholism, and drug addiction, are a disease over which we are powerless. My son too had all the inpatient and outpatient treatment available. He had many sponsors in AA and the good folks at those meetings would often come by his house to chat, take him to a meeting etc Nothing worked he too could not stick to the program. I have come to accept this was his destiny. and what he needed to endure in this life before God took him home. Remembering the happy times, the smiles, the joy helps me . We have a photo gallery on this site that many of us have used to set up pictures of our children and then we visit there as well. If you like click the box below Stephen's picture to view .

In order to reach more members I would like to suggest that you click on the message board Loss of adult child then click on the word "Reply" in the upper right corner. Your message will post there and you will be welcomed with much warmth and compassion.

Please be gentle with yourself, know that you did the best you could and that your son knew he was loved. that is enough.

Keep coming back :

[Tjs Mom]

Dear Lukesmum,

Your story touched me as my son too had been addicted to drugs. I too had my son in every treatment plan I could find. He was diagnosed bi-polar at age 13 and was put on lithium. He did not like the side effects, so they tried something else, then another drug and then another. He found that self medication worked the best for him. He started out with pot then went to cocaine and heroine. Every drug was usually mixed with alcohol. He did some really dumb things when he was high which landed him in the local jail several times. I too had the police at my house frequently and had to remove him from my home. He had tried to commit suicide several times but always told someone he was gonna do it so someone always got to him on time. His life started to turn around on July 27, 1997 when he finally became clean and sober. By now he had two children that he didn't see and tried to work out things with their mothers so he could share their lives. He found a nice girl, had another baby, with her in August of 2009 and got married on Oct 10, 2010. He had applied to college and started attending in August of 2011. I thought finally he's gonna make it. I was so proud of him and told him every chance I got. What I didn't know that his first month of college being 2 hours away from his family 4 days a week was starting to take a toll on him. He discovered K2, some people know it as bath salts. He thought he had found a way to get that old familiar high sensation legally. They sell it everywhere where we live over the counter. What he didn't know was that it's twice as addictive as any drug he had taken before and with his mental status it gave him suicidal thoughts. I found my son, alone in his apartment, hanging by an electrical cord. His wife and kids were away at her parents when he commited suicide. No warning, no note, nothing. I played the "what if" game myself and I do realize now there was nothing I could have done. I did as much as any mother would or could while he was here and I loved him unconditionally. I get some peace knowing that he knew how much I loved him. My thoughts and prayers are with you and thank you for sharing.

[tantraman8]

Dear Luke'smum,

Welcome to this site and to our community here. It feels funny for me to be referring to it as "our community" since I lost my son, Josh, only a little over four months ago to, what I suspect, was a heroin overdose. I too, returned to work about one month after Josh passed, and having the structure has been a good thing.

Josh had six years of sobriety, relapsed for two years, went to another treatment, had four or five months clean, relapsed for two weeks, and died. I have spent time, since he passed, wishing I could have done it better (parenting). I think we ALWAYS, in our heart of hearts, wanted the best for our children. I, SO AGREE with "hotrod." Your son knew how much you loved him. And, I find myself, in the aftermath of his passing, discovering that I am being called to a deeper level of love and acceptance of myself. Hard for me to do a "perfect" job with kids, when my relationship with self was so wounded with my own unhealed childhood wounds.

Your deep love for your son is palpable in your words and in your heartbreak in the aftermath of his passing. I don't have little one's to care for. My other three children are adults. But there are people on this site who do.

Again, I am at the beginning of this journey. It is the hardest thing I (we) have ever had to face. For me, it's getting through one day at a time. And, what has been essential is the love and support of others, and (and this feels like a blessing), telling myself from the beginning that there was no way I could do this grieving "wrong."

As with "hotrod", be gentle with yourself and, keep coming back here. When I have been critical of my own process, or needed a reality check around normal, or needed to experience that there IS a healing process, that it is possible, the fellow travelers on here, have been a lifesaver, as well as a few friends who love me as I am.

I get it.

With love and support,

David

[mikesmum]

Kim ~ This site was originally named 'Beyond Indigo'. That's where we all seem to meet, Beyond the darkness of losing our child.

I lost my eldest son to an overdose of prescription medication. He was being treated for chronic back pain after multiple surgeries. One doctor, one pharmacist over several years yet no one aside from his family picked up on his addiction to the treatment. He died in Jan 2007, his daughter was 1.

I have another son who after many years of being clean has returned to his addiction. He has two children 5 and 10. He lives with me at the moment. At his worst back when he was younger I would have to remind myself that it was drugs I was dealing with, my son was lost somewhere in that life. Now I watch as he becomes detached. His world revolving around working to earn to buy and use.

My heart breaks hearing your story. As parents we try with everything we know to 'save' our children. To protect them. Luke had endured so much in his life.

I saw his picture when on your profile. One handsome young man. I hope you are able to connect with some support in WA for both you and your young boy. There is an impact on the young when someone so close in their lives dies. I have seen it with my grandchildren.

I hope too that you are looking after yourself. Eating as healthy as you are able, drinking plenty of fluids ~ allowing yourself to rest when you can. Unfortunately the why's whatif's and ifonly's will always be part of our lives. It does in time become softer.

I don't have all the answers. I do know that the journey is different for all of us, yet in some ways the same. Posting under Loss of an Adult child you will find many who have lost an older child and still have young families to raise.

If you are able please tell us about Luke, the happier times, those times that make you smile..

Trudi ~ Micheals mum (Victoria, Australia)

[justinlsmom]

Hi Lukes Mom, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son, Justin on August 4, 2012, he would have been 20 on August 19, 2012. We also suspect an accidental overdose, we won't know for sometime yet. I can imagine somewhat of what you are feeling, my son was also the type of kid who liked to drink, he smoked some marijuana, always telling me "every one did it" don't worry, well I worried, I have always felt it was a stepping stone to bigger/badder drugs and in the end I was right. He told me he tried a few other things but promised it was once in a while with a friend, well one night he went out with some friends and they got their hands on some oxy, or so this is the storey we have been told by his friends that were with him, he gave it a try for the first time the night he died. He didnt get a second chance, he went to sleep and never woke up. I will neve understand why he did it, he had broken his collar bone a few months prior to this and they wanted to give him a prescription for Oxy and he said "no" to many people become addicted, he was a huge fan of the show "intervention" and saw what could happen, he didnt take the prescription he took advil and tylenol for his pain. The problem I have with these shows is they only show the kids that OD and are found in time and are saved, they don't show they kids that don't have anybody around at the time that have a clue what a drug overdose look likes. My son was in a hotel room with 2 other kids, they came back from a bar, many hours after taking this drug, he sat and ate Doritos and went to bed, the other kids said he was snoring and moving around alot, they decided to put him on the floor so he did not roll off the bed and hurt himself, needless to say, they put him on his back and they heard him snoring till 6:30 in the morning (maybe it was snoring, maybe he was grasping for breath, who knows) they were laughing at him as they thought they were snores come from him, they went to sleep and woke up 2 hours later and he was non responsive. I can't help but think if more people were aware of what a drug overdose can look like, maybe more kids would be saved. I know how you feel, you only wish you could have done more, but the would of, could of, should of's won't bring him back. I keep having to remind myself that we all choose a path in life and I realize these young men hadn't had the time to mature to make the right choices and I am sure like me you tried your damndest to get him to listen to you, but when it comes down to, I fear that peer pressure trumps parents almost everytime. I talk to him daily and ask him to send me signs he is with me and for the most part I feel he is. He was truly the love of my life, my friends would say, I think you are in love with your son, my eyes would light up when he walked into the room, i loved to be with him whenever I got the chance. I miss him each and every day! This is a horrible long lonely road we are travelling, but you have to remember the good times, remember him with a smile, the things he did that would make you laugh out loud. We were lucky to have them in our lives even for such a short period of time. I am sure he had one of those personalities that when he was around he demanded attention, quietly, but you knew he was there in the house, my son had an energy about him that would draw people to him, he had tons of friends and even to this day they stay in touch with us and our 16 yr old daughter, they arranged to have a bbque at our house last week to tell us stories. It was a very good day, stressful but it was nice to meet all his friends and realize that if these kids were his friends then he must have been just as wonderful & kind as they are. Please take care and contact me any time. We are both in the same place!