3 weeks to live

[bdawn]

I'm sorry if I'm not supposed to be here. My man hasn't died yet, but he's going to. He was diagnosed with lung cancer last week and today they told him he as 3-4 weeks at most.

I'm devastated and scared. We met each other 10 years ago but we never married. Won't tell the whole story here but he suffered horrific physical and sexual abuse as a child. As a result he had serious emotional issues as an adult which made it impossible for me to marry him although that's what he truly desired. I too have issues from childhood and I hate being abandoned. He is abandoning me. Of course he is not choosing to, but that's how I feel. Like he's leaving me here to go on alone.

I'm very confused. My feelings are mixed up and wierd. One minute I feel like the pain is too much to bear and I can't go on. Then I have a few hours where I feel completely normal. I have guilt. I wish I had been a better person for him. I wish I had been more understanding of his inner turmoil and given him more happiness. Over the next few weeks I will be watching him wither away. The agony of this is unspeakable. I've always been introverted so I don't have many people to talk to. A couple of family members are trying to be supportive but they are not hurting like I'm hurting. Thank you for this board. I have a feeling I'm going to need it.

[val]

dear bdawn - my name is val. i saw your post and feel your pain. much like my relationship we were together ten years, but never got the formal marriage certif. There were various reasons as in your case, but we were planning on a ceremony and formalizing things in December. my husband as i have always thought of him, passed away in his sleep on July 5 2012, just 8 weeks ago at age 58. No time to say goodbyes. All the feelings you described are a normal part of the grief process, - pain, fear, abandonment, guilt, I too fear abandonment from unresolved childhood issues. I am terribly sorry for your situation. Give him all the love you can in the next few weeks, It is going to be hard on you, yes, it will but you have already taken a first step at preparedness by posting here for help. There are many other who use these forums regularly. Pray that God may prepare you, Use the chatroom here too. It has been a tremendous help to me anyway. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I pray your family will be there when you need them. Ten years is a long time to be so close with someone; i feel like i just lost half of myself. But slowly, my days are getting better. I don't know how you feel about therapists but mine has been very helpful. I will keep an eye out for future posts from you. You are strong; be strong for him now. He needs you and is as scared as you are. I will write more later, Keeping you in my prayers, I am. Val

[val]

also bdawn - if you scroll down the forums, you'll see one called "terminal illness and upcoming death" ; you may also find this forum helpful. val

[bdawn]

Thank you so very much Val for your heartfelt reply. I am so scared and your words really mean the world to me right now. I will check the other board as well

[Guest KackleDackle]

Just privately messaged you

KD

[bdawn]

This is an update. I started this thread on Aug 24 stating that my man had 3-4 weeks to live. He didn't make it that long. He passed away on Sept 3. Of course I was devastated and couldn't even bring myself to come back to this forum because I couldn't deal with the pain or reading other peoples stories or talking about my own. Almost 2 months have passed and I still hurt and cry every single day. I miss him so very much. He was only 48 yrs old and I thought we had forever.

While I'm not as raw as I was the first the month, sometimes it seems that the more time that goes by the greater my pain becomes. It hurts so much to see the world marching on without him. When I last saw him it was hot and summery, now it's snowing here and Christmas is coming. I wish I could spend one more Christmas with him.

[Mdanielson4]

This is the most difficult heart-wrenching thing I have ever been through. My advice, and it is hard, but surround yourself with, as many supporting loved ones as you can but still have some alone time to reflect. Continue to talk to him; I believe our loved ones can still hear us. For me it has been a roller coaster ride. There will be ups and downs all the time. Good times and times that seem unbearable. I don’t have loved ones that live close so I reach out to this discussion board. I find it helpful and very supporting. If there are things you need to discuss or need help to get through, don’t hesitate to ask. People are willing to do there best, but if they don’t know they cannot help. My condolences for your loss, I wish I could do more.

Mike