Sister is Dying...

[amotis]

My name is Alicia and I am 25 years old. I have never done this before, but have recently been finding myself crying for no reason and feelng anger and resentment often.

I know this is a website for people who have lost family or friends, but my sister is still living. My sister is now 21, a fighter and is fighting for her life.

At the age of 17 my sister was diagnosed with a rare for of childhood cancer. She beat it after a year of intense chemo and radiation. But after 2 years of being cancer free, her cancer returned this time more aggressively and in more difficult places. It has been a year since her second diagnosis and the doctors are impressed with her tenacity towards this cancer. Unfortunately last January we ran out of options to fight her cancer and she has decided to not continue with any type of treatment and to live the last months of her life as best as she can. Recently my sister has lost the ability to walk because of a fist size tumor on her spinal column. SHe sleep most of the day because of the amount of pain meds she is on and it kills me to see her like this.

I am 5 years older than my sister and I was always the protector of her. My whole family chooses not to discuss what is inevitably going to happen to her, but I just cannot live my life with so much anger, pain, resentment, hurt, and sadness.

I know this probably seems ridiculous that I'm already mourning my sister who has not passed yet, but I just have so many feelings that I think are wrong. I dont want to be mad at her or at anyone else and I just want to enjoy her time with me.

I am struggling and just want to know that its okay to be feeling this way. I feel so lost already. I appreciate any advice anyone can give me.

Thank you.

Alicia

[Quality]

I am so sorry to read about your sister, I do hope and pray she gets better. I do not feel you are wrong to put things in perspective of how things seem to you right now. I encourage you to talk to her and tell her everything you want to say now while you are given this priceless time with her. we all wish for thoes seconds we cant get back. My brother was sick as well and rather us see him that was way he took it upon his self to leave and I am so mad he did that he had seizures and although we all thought he was coping ok we were all wrong. take a picture of holding her hand because if its her time to go you always want to know she is still holding your hand though the days that will become hard and having a picture can really be a very nice visual...I hope peace be with you as you go through this trying time....

[josephtmacgregor]

Alicia,

I am so sorry to hear of your sister's condition. She is so young and it is never easy to watch anyone you love suffer especially in that way. Cancer is a horrible disease and when it (or medications) affect behavior, it can be even more difficult and painful to watch, as a family member. I know because i lost my younger brother to cancer. He had tumors in his brain that spread to his spine so he suffered from horribel headaches, nausea, vomiting, seizures, and his personality changed though some of that could also be attributed to chemo or other treatments and meds he was on throughout the course of his illness. Especially towards the end, i can relate to what you have written. He lost the ability to walk, which was a turning point for those of us with him. Even though he looked sick, up until that point it just seemed like he had to get better. But when he stopped being able to walk, it became real all ove r again. I wish there was something I could say that could give you some peace right now but maybe it is this-- you are not doing anything wrong by "mourning" your sister, even though she is still alive. This is very common when a loved one has a lengthy and/or terminal illness. With my brother, I think we all mourned for a good period of time before he even died because we were watching him--the man we knew and had grown up with our whole lives--slowly be taken from us. Honestly he was like a different person during much of his illness and some of the changes in his behavior and personality happened suddenly while others happened more gradually. That was devastating to see. I am the oldest in the family and so I too have that "protector instinct." I felt some sort of responsibility to save him and the rest of the family from this horrible situation but I found myself completely powerless...also an occasion to "mourn".

I don't know but I assume your sister is probably on hospice care right now. That is what my brothe r did and hospice ended up being a really amazing support system for all of us before, while, and after he died. The hospital was supportive in its own way, but hospice care is a bunch of professionals who specialize in end of life/comfort care/family bereavement support and are by and large much more sensitive to the feelings of family. That was our experience, at least. They can give you reading material on grieving, or on what to expect as your sister approaches the end of her life, or help you find someone to talk to as you begin the grieving process. None of this is easy. I hate that I am even typing this all out, I really do. I dont know what else to say, but know that you are not alone. Many, unfortnately, even on this site, know the pain that you are experiencing right now. And as an older sibling to someone who died of cancer and who slept most the time towards the end because of pain meds and who stopped walking because of spinal tumors and...etc....I really know the pain you describe. I can read the pain in your post and I am so sorry for what you all are going through. Take some comfort in knowing that, even as much as it hurts you to watch, your sister is likely not experiencing any pain right now. For my brother, the last week and a half of his life was the most peaceful time he'd had in a long time, and it at least gave our family a little peace to know that finally, as he made this transition from life, he was not having to battle the horrible pain he had felt for so long before that.

I will keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.

Joe

[missyssis]

Hi Newbie,

I am new to this site too! My sister passed away almost 8 years ago from brain cancer. I was 23 and she was 18. I chose to reply to your post because I feel like I can relate completely to how you are feeling. When Michelle's doctors chose to stop treatment, my family was always making comments about how miracles happen and when she survives this.... I used to get so upset at them but couldn't say anything. Ofcourse they wanted her to make it but I couldn't allow myself to dream with them. I had to prepare myself and start grieving for her even while she was there. Maybe I felt like that would make it easier on me when she left. In the end she was scared, sad, angry and she took it out on us. She would yell at us and say horrible things. I am sure the tumor also had a lot to do with the personality changes but either way, she was very mean at times. I often would think horrible thoughts like "I can't wait for this to be over and we can get on with our lives" I never meant it, never said it out loud and never knew that my "life" as I knew it would NEVER come back. I wish i could tell you that one day this will all just feel like a distant memory but 8 years later I am still hurting everyday.

Michelle and I were extremely close and I feel her loss in a way I can't put into words. I look back on things I wish I had thought to say and do. I wish i took more pictures and got her to write to me so I would have a letter to cherish always. I wish we took more video of us together. i wish i had more pictures of her with my son. As hard as these days are, cherish every second, take lots of pictures, make notes in a journal, anything that you can look back on later.