Loss of Mother and Father

[rozie123]

I lost both my parents last year. My mom, who was a 3 time breast cancer survivor, became sick in 2010 for about 8 months, going to doctor after doctor with no definitive answer. She continued to waste away, until she was eventually hospitalized in February 2011. They did some tests, said she had a bowel blockage and scheduled surgery for the next day. After 10 minutes, the surgeon came to the waiting room and told us that her lower intestines were full of cancer tumors (likely the breast cancer spread). So we knew she was not going to survive long. She fought, though. She wanted so much to live, for herself (of course) and for my dad. My mother was my father's sole caregiver. He had Alzheimer's and was declining.

Well, this of course does not have a happy ending. My mother fought it, went to Rehab but kept being sent back to the hospital because of dehydration. Finally she agreed to go on Hospice. Unfortunately when she came home she became very belligerent and difficult, especially with her loved ones and my father who just fell apart. He fell and was taken to the hospital. My mother never saw him again.

She died at home on May 31st.

My dad came home from rehab but continued to be uncooperative. He didn't know she had died but I think he did. He never asked about her. After he came home from the hospital they put him on hospice 2 days later. They eventually put him in the hospital to get his medications right. He came home on a Friday, ate lunch, and never ate a meal again. He slept (probably from the drugs). Anyway, he lasted for about a week and died on May 14th.

I grieved so much for my mother before she died, I didn't think I had any grieving left in me. But now, almost 1 1/2 years later, I am still grieving. Not as acutely, though I think about her all the time. My father, well, I grieve for him too, but have come to accept his death as inevitable as well, and probably a blessing, as he would have likely been in a nursing home for the rest of his life.

I cared for both of them, my mother when she got sick and died, and my father. I was the one who had to settle their estate and pay the bills, sell the house (which took 10 months. It was torturous. I have siblings but one lives in California and the other in Florida. My sister did come up from Florida and stayed from March until August. My brother came for about 10 days to help care for my mother and of course for the funerals.

I know people say that grieving is very personal and is different for everyone but I still can''t believe it hurts so much one year later.

[ModKonnie]

I lost both my parents last year. My mom, who was a 3 time breast cancer survivor, became sick in 2010 for about 8 months, going to doctor after doctor with no definitive answer. She continued to waste away, until she was eventually hospitalized in February 2011. They did some tests, said she had a bowel blockage and scheduled surgery for the next day. After 10 minutes, the surgeon came to the waiting room and told us that her lower intestines were full of cancer tumors (likely the breast cancer spread). So we knew she was not going to survive long. She fought, though. She wanted so much to live, for herself (of course) and for my dad. My mother was my father's sole caregiver. He had Alzheimer's and was declining.

Well, this of course does not have a happy ending. My mother fought it, went to Rehab but kept being sent back to the hospital because of dehydration. Finally she agreed to go on Hospice. Unfortunately when she came home she became very belligerent and difficult, especially with her loved ones and my father who just fell apart. He fell and was taken to the hospital. My mother never saw him again.

She died at home on May 31st.

My dad came home from rehab but continued to be uncooperative. He didn't know she had died but I think he did. He never asked about her. After he came home from the hospital they put him on hospice 2 days later. They eventually put him in the hospital to get his medications right. He came home on a Friday, ate lunch, and never ate a meal again. He slept (probably from the drugs). Anyway, he lasted for about a week and died on May 14th.

I grieved so much for my mother before she died, I didn't think I had any grieving left in me. But now, almost 1 1/2 years later, I am still grieving. Not as acutely, though I think about her all the time. My father, well, I grieve for him too, but have come to accept his death as inevitable as well, and probably a blessing, as he would have likely been in a nursing home for the rest of his life.

I cared for both of them, my mother when she got sick and died, and my father. I was the one who had to settle their estate and pay the bills, sell the house (which took 10 months. It was torturous. I have siblings but one lives in California and the other in Florida. My sister did come up from Florida and stayed from March until August. My brother came for about 10 days to help care for my mother and of course for the funerals.

I know people say that grieving is very personal and is different for everyone but I still can''t believe it hurts so much one year later.

For some people, a year is not long at all, particularly when you suffered a double loss as profound as you have. Mothers are so important in most of our lives, and we have a special bond with them. It's particularly difficult to learn to move forward. However, talking about your losses and writing about them are ways to get through the hurt and anguish you are feeling.

Would you like to share your mom's story? What kind of person was she? What's your fondest memory? Do you have any pics you'd like to share? We'd love to hear about her if you are up to talking about her and how she shaped your life.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[rozie123]

Thanks for your kind response ModKonnie. I just reread my post and I see that I put the wrong date of death for my mom. She died on March 31st, not May 31st, so it was before my dad (about 6 weeks).

Well, about my mom: she was an imposing force in my life, that's for sure. She was the "baby" in her family, the youngest of 5 children. By the time she died she was the only one still alive. I only know a little of her early life, but I found her diary once when I was a kid and "sneeked" a peek. She was a typical, normal teenager, with crushes on boys. Hard to believe sometimes that our parents were once young like us.

She married my Dad at 18 (he was 8 years older than she). Funny story: I guess, like other girls her age in her time, she wanted to get married. My dad took her on a date to the movies. He said if she agreed that they sit in the balcony they would get engaged! I guess she sat in the balcony. Another one: my dad took my mother out and tried to ply her with liquor. He ordered "Zombies" (not sure what they were, but probably had a lot of liquor in them). Anyway, my mother just kept "downing" them, one after the other with no effect! My dad was shocked and started calling her "Geek" (something about a circus freak). They found out later that the bartender was giving her "fruit juice." That's how my mom got her nickname "Geek." And that is what he called her for the rest of their lives.

My dad used to write my mother poetry, the rhyming type. But they were adorable. He would write them for her birthday, he would write them when the mood came on him. He loved my mother so much. People used to say that their marriage was a great "love affair." My mother was the more serious of the 2. My dad had a great sense of humor and told many of the same jokes over and over. He had a sharp mind, and was very kind and loving.

My mom and I were always at odds when I was younger. She was a little controlling and I didn't want to be contolled. Still don't (you can ask my husband about that!). We actually didn't become really close until I was on my own. Then we became fast friends. In fact, I feel as if she was my best friend. In her later years I was the one she turned to.

When I was younger she was the disciplinarian. And she was tough! I was always being punished for something (I guess it was that control thing). She would mete out the punishment and I would wait a day or so and speak with my father. He could always talk her into "shortening the sentence." He was definitely the "softie."

My mother was very generous. When I was younger, I had financial difficulties (stupid things). She always asked me if I needed money and she was always ready with a check. Actually, they were both extremely generous.

It was amazing that from battling her when I was younger, I came to love her more than I could ever imagine. The last year of her life was difficult medically, but as I said, she was a fighter. At the end I can't be sure if she was fighting for her own life or fighting for my father. Fighting to keep the Alzheimer's at bay.

They used to go to Atlantic City and play poker. They went 4 times a week! My mother said it was for my father, to keep his mind active, but I know she enjoyed it herself. They would go and play poker for 4 hours, come home and then she would go on the computer and play poker (only for play money, she was very frugal). At night they would watch poker tournaments on TV! Poker, poker, poker! She lived and breathed poker.

As I said, my mother was frugal, but not cheap. She was a saver, which was good since my dad was a spender. He always said that if had been up to him they would have had nothing. She was always telling me that it was our inheritance. I didn't think much about it. She always downplayed how much they had saved. I didn't find out the truth until she was ill and spoke with her financial advisor. She did very well for herself and my father. I guess so us kids would have this. I used to tell her to spend it. That they should enjoy the money. But she left a generous amoiunt of money for myself, brother and sister.

She used to say (a little wistfully) that I never confided in her, or told her anything personal. I "poohed poohed" it but she was right. I didn't. After she and my dad died, I started writing her letters, talking about all the things she wished I would have told her when she was alive. It was very cathartic.

I had a dream about them recently. I don't dream about them very much and when I do it is always a "representation" of them, not their faces. I just know it is them. Well, this dream was the most vivid I've ever had. I dreamt that they were together. They didn't say anything, but they were smiling it was like beaming! Angelic! I woke up with such a calm, good feeling. It made me think she was sending me a message that they were together and okay. Not to grieve anymore (easier said that done), but it did make me feel a lot more peaceful.

I guess I could go on and on, but suffice it to say, that as she was the love of my dad's life, she was the love of my life.

There will never be another "Geek."

[rozie123]

Oh, and they were married 62 years!