What do I do?

[Racemom615]

I recently have been dealing quite a bit with my mother who has not dealt with the loss of my father or cousin. My father (57) passed away almost 3 years ago and my cousin (24) passed away just 6 months after him. I was the one who got the news that they had lost my dad's heartbeat and had to break it to my mom when she arrived at the hospital that he was flown to. I was also the only one out of my immediate family that was there seeing my cousin pass away. I have been having anxiety attacks almost every day. My mother crys to me all the time, bringing me back down. I am afraid that I am just going to pull away from her as this is starting to effect my own health and family life... I am at a loss on what to do!

I would greatly appreciate any advice!

Thank you!

[BreathofAngel]

I recently have been dealing quite a bit with my mother who has not dealt with the loss of my father or cousin. My father (57) passed away almost 3 years ago and my cousin (24) passed away just 6 months after him. I was the one who got the news that they had lost my dad's heartbeat and had to break it to my mom when she arrived at the hospital that he was flown to. I was also the only one out of my immediate family that was there seeing my cousin pass away. I have been having anxiety attacks almost every day. My mother crys to me all the time, bringing me back down. I am afraid that I am just going to pull away from her as this is starting to effect my own health and family life... I am at a loss on what to do!

I would greatly appreciate any advice!

Thank you!

Dear (((((((Racemom))))))), I am first and foremost very sorry for the physical loss of your dad and your cousin. I know how extremely hard it is with all of the feelings and memories that tend to surface and will for some period of time. There are things that are very present in one's mind concerning the loss of a loved one and one must be ready and careful in how they deal with that.

I can certainly understand the great difficulty your Mom is having with the passing of your dad, her dear husband. May God bless her wonderful heart! Being married to someone whom you love and being there each and every day for them and suddenly in the span of a moment they are gone, can leave a person totally devastated for quite some time. I am sorry you are having problems with this also. But just as you have come here to speak about this matter because you want to be with others who understand, so does your Mom! And under the circumstances even though you may feel it is bringing you back down, please realize that she needs you especially at this time. You are her own flesh and blood and her life preserver amid her ocean of tears and who else could she open up to as she does but with you, her daughter?

People have different time periods for grieving. Some may grieve for shorter amounts of time and go on and yet for others it may take years and years and their feelings of sadness will not ameliorate. But you are very lucky and blessed to have your Mom! You must stop to consider that now your dad is gone and she is the only other parent you have left therefore, please try to understand her position and be as loving as you can towards her. And you must also remember that if it were not for your dear Mom you would not have been born. I know it may be difficult for you to be with her when she relays her feelings to you, but when the going gets rough and you wish you were not having to deal with this, just remember all of the times when she took care of you when you were a little girl and how much sleep, time, and energy she lost in the process. But it was all worth it to her because you were the greatest treasure she had, you were her daughter! Therefore, because she loved you and still does, she would have gladly done it a hundred times a hundred in order to provide and care for you the best that she could with her loving heart. Also, when you were ill, who would have taken better care of you if not for your dear Mother? And you know something else, dearheart? Unfortunately, you will not have your Mom forever. Sometimes when a spouse is gone they simply cannot take it so well and they will leave this world for a better one so one never knows how long they will remain here.

I know you will try to be a good daughter as you remember all she has done for you throughout your life. Now, in her time of greatest need, I know it can be very comforting to her to know that you are there! Please don't let her down. Like I say, once she is gone you will wish many times over that you had done all you could to embrace her and be with her no matter how difficult she may be but it will be too late! The time to act and show her that love that I know you have deep in your heart, is NOW.

Pray over this matter and ask God to help you see it through. He will! You are never alone but also realize that God may be testing you right now to see what you will do and how you will act towards your Mother! Know that all is written in the Book of Life of the actions we take here on earth towards self and others. The more loving we are, the better the conditions for us when we pass-on to the next world. I will pray with you over this situation and hope you will soon find the courage and the strength to do that which is right as it concerns your wonderful Mother. Please don't let her down. She needs you right now more than she ever has. So, instead of feeling that the situation is a burden on you, run to your Mom and embrace her and give her a Big Kiss right now as I know it will brighten her day and bring great joy to her aching heart!

May God bless you and your dear Mom and keep you both in His most loving arms and heart!

[widower2]

I think you need help in dealing with your mom, and that she also needs to help herself as well. You cannot do it all. What about other family members? Also try to see if you can get her to see a grief counselor (maybe you can go with her if it makes the diff in her going or not). Bottom line you have a responsibility to her BUT ALSO TO YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY. And she has a responsibility to herself as well. You cannot do it all, nor should you try or feel guilty about not being able or even willing to do so. Best to you.......