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40 years then gone in a minute


cgd

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It has been three weeks tomorrow since I lost my wife. We were together for 40 years. First as best friends, then roommates, then live-in girlfriend then wife. We met when I was 17 and 57 when she passed. She had just turned 59. We had come home form Las Vegas to celebrate her birthday. She wasn't feeling well. Took her to the hospital and two hours later she was gone. Aneurysm. I am totally lost. I am doing the "what if". What if I brought to the hospital sooner? Did I do everything possible? I miss her so much. We did everything together. We did not socialize with others except family now and then. We were happy just to be with each other. She retired four years ago and I four months ago. We had such plans. We had the time and the money to do what we wanted. But all our hard work means nothing without her. I cried for a week straight every waking minute. I walked through the house calling her name. It got so bad a neighbor called the police to come check on me. However I still am crying several times a day everyday. My whole goal was to make a good life for us and make sure she was happy. I have never felt such pain. It reaches down to the very bottom of my existence. I am now just waiting for my turn (natural) until we can be together again. I haven't left the house since it happened. I can't even read the newspaper because it reminds me of how we would sit at the table reading and having coffee. I have no hobbies and no friends to hang out with. Never did the boys night out and not into sports. I am alone and scared. What if I live another 30 + years? I don't think I could stand it. This makes me feel guilty because I am thinking about me and not her. The mornings are the worst. I wake up and for a second think that she is getting coffee ready. Then I realize she is gone and the wave of grief comes over me just as hard as when I saw the Doctors face when he came to tell me she passed. I stay up late to avoid going to bed. Other times I find myself just starring at the wall. I want her back so bad. For 33 + years my whole career was helping others and this is my reward? Unbearable pain? Who is going to help me?

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My name is Val and I am on this site all too much since my husband of 10 yrs died in his sleep on July 5 2012. here one minute, gone the next, Unbearable pain. he was only 58. I too walk around the house crying all day, howling at times, looking for him. I wish I could take all your pain away, but alas I cannot. I am learning through experience this pain is natural and what we have to go through to come out to the other side, called Acceptance. I fear that is a long way off for me. Your loss is so new, you must be easy on yourself. Try to sleep and eat something. I cannot bear to put TV on because that is something we did together. Even right now, i feel he is in the other room still sleeping. We had a beautiful fourth of july and he never woke up the next day. I too question myself: did i miss something? could i have prevented this? My priest tells me "don't cry;he is safe now". but i can do n oth ing but cry. I started seeing,, actually was seeing a therapist and he tells me it is normal to cry, even howl. Priest says pray for comfort. I can feel the searing pain in your post. Jerry and I had plans, him so close to retirement. I too have few friends. we were always happy to just be together. We didn't argue, rarely. My dear friend, continue to post here. There are many of us going through similar events and feelings. You will find a release at least. I wish I knew more to say. God Bless you and pray for comfort, val

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cdg, I'm so terribly sorry. Even having lost my loved one, I can scarcely imagine your situation, even though her actual passing was not expected at the time (we had a long battle with cancer which we knew wasn't going well). But the loss of your partner and of those future years I can certainly relate to. It sounds like you had many wonderful years, and I hope that and knowing you will see her again will comfort you in the days ahead, although I realize they may not much now. The coffee/newspaper thing you mentioned esp hit me hard somehow, I guess because that was a "Sunday ritual" for us as well.

I noticed you said you have no friends or hobbies etc. Over time (and it will take lots of time) may I suggest you start trying such things. Not now necessarily, you're so early in this and the intense anguish isn't ready to ease its grip just yet. Lean on your family and whoever/whatever else you can for now. But though it may be hard to try or start such things, I think it's important to do SOMETHING besides sit and dwell on it all. Experience talking here as I have done my share of dwelling and crying (I talk a good game), but I found that when I started getting busy doing something - even things as simple and mundane as housework or yardwork or even just watching a movie - it helped just to have my attention focused, even if briefly or partly, on something else.

Also pls consider seeing a grief counselor - ie someone specifically knowledgeable on these things vs a garden variety psychologist/etc. If possible I think it's best (but not mandatory) to find someone who has been there, as only such people can truly "get it." And if one doesn't work for you, try another. Often they have such services for free through the local gov't or various organizations.

As for guilt, that is extremely common to one degree or another (I think I could write a book on mine) so pls keep that in mind but also that it is NOT wrong or a crime to think of yourself. You kinda have to, and I hope I don't cross the line when I say with confidence that your wife would want you to. Totally disregarding yourself doesn't do anyone any good or honor her in any way. That doesn't mean it'll be easy of course (Lord knows it's beeen hard for me, but again our circumstances are different) and you haven't felt this way for the last time I'm sure, but pls just try to keep it in perspective.

But really for now, I think "survival" is the one thing you probably should focus on, ie just try to take one day on at a time and not focus on the others - the basics, ie eat sleep etc, try to do those as much as possible, even if you'd rather not. I think most if not all of us can appreciate waking up and thinking "I'm not getting out of bed. What the hell for? What's the point?" or walking around zombie-like, etc. It's almost surreal - it still is to me to some extent because something in me is thinking this can't be real as it's too ridiculous. Yet as impossible as it seemed, bit by bit I am surviving and gradually starting to rebuild my life. That doesn't mean I still don't miss her horribly or cry etc, but ever so slowly, I'm turning down the flame on that searing anguish - it isn't as intense or as often. I don't expect it to ever go away, but I am hopeful that I can get to a point of being able to really "live" and remember our good times and most of the time at least focus on being grateful for what we had vs in such pain on the loss. Again, a lot easier said than done but I believe possible and worth trying for.

Enough blathering by me. The people here are great and can relate to one extent or other, so I hope you find some release and hopefully comfort or help here as well. Best to you.

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Dear cdg,

So sorry for your loss. My husband was 57 when he passed from a rare liver disease, and we were together 30 years. I was in the same condition you are now, and have experienced difficulty moving on. It is five years later, and the bad days aren't as frequent as before. We were everything to each other and I'm grateful for the good years we had. I won't tell you "time heals", but it does put distance between you and the event. Do whatever you need to do for yourself.

I'm still working on living again without him. I have to say it's been a difficult struggle, but somehow it's getting better.

Sincerely,

Mandala

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Wow. Thanks everyone. I did not know what to expect from this site. I thank all of you for your response. The stories are so similar. I can be distracted for a short period of time and then the wave of sadness hits me. I just expect to see her come through to door. I will return to this site later but right now it is too difficult. Thanks everyone

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Exactly we help others our whole lives so rewzrding then lose the love of our life the very reason for us wanting to get up in the morning but now,but why in return God rewrds us with unbearable grief. Im scared to live anothe 5 yrs going thru life w this knife twisting one more inch everyday in my heart! Cassidy's Mama 27 from Dec 23 2011-Jan 13 2012. I found him on couch lifeless no pulse no heart beat lips dry mouth open those visions go play in my mind everyday like a vivid rerun! Im a Mama without my son. We were too close bonded best friends. I cant even feel his presence & hes a hardcore mamas boy. Somebody make the hurt stop subside plss

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CGD,

I am so sorry for your loss. The pain is very hard to accept but I have not figured out how to make it go away. I lost my Wife of 32 years on May 16th this year. We too did everything together. We enjoyed each others company and had very few friends we kind of stayed with just her and I all the time. I have a hard time going to get groceries because we always did that together. We had little secret sayings that only the two of us understood. It may seem childish but we loved it. I cannot believe how many things I avoid doing so people don't see me crying. I go to the store often late at night when there is not many people there. I quit going out to eat because we use to enjoy doing that together. I hate the thought of the holidays coming up. I have no idea how I will cope with that. I will pray for all of my new friends here. God be with you all.

Mike

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Dear cgd, My heart goes out to you. My husband died on July 25. He had been ill for a long time with pulmonary fibrosis. I was his caregiver and I would love to be his caregiver again. We had been together for 33 years and married for 32 1/2. We were very close, doing everything together. Even going grocery shopping is hard because we did that together. Watching television without him on the chair at the end of the couch is painful. I am going to a grief group every other week. At least that is something different from things we used to do. I am so sorry for your loss. You are not alone in your grief.

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