Inescapable grief

[tantraman8]

Hello all. It is Sunday night in Tucson. I am a "newbie" and have only posted a few times. But tonight, I feel enveloped by a heaviness that I feel in both body and spirit. For those who don't know, my son Josh passed away suddenly on April 25th of this year of an accidental overdose. He was/is the eldest of my four children and was 37 when he died. On one hand, I feel grateful that I "had" him for all those years, but on another, it doesn't matter. The loss is still HUGE and there are days when I have cried and the words, "my baby. my baby!" have come out with my sobs. I think, no matter how old, when you lose a child, as a parent, he/she is your baby.

I am grateful for this forum. My best male friend has been a huge support, AND HE doesn't get it. There are some co-workers, who have lost children, that do. And, when I read your posts on here, I know that you do....but those who have not lost a child don't get it. AND, with me that sometimes comes out in me feeling like they want/expect me to be "better than I am" to be more healed than I am.

Since Josh passed, I have IBS ( except it's my whole digestive system that's inflamed), need meds to sleep, and, for the past two weeks have had back pain. It feels like I am walking through life with this heavy haze clinging to and covering me most of the time. And, there is a HUGE part of me that wishes it would be over, wishes I could avoid it or run away from it. I love to cook and eat for the joy of it, rather than just to get full, and a lot of the time food doesn't taste good. BTW, I know a lot of this stuff is "normal." BUT today knowing that didn't help much.

I have had all kinds of signs that God is taking care of me, all kinds of people (including some of you) that have helped me feel loved and supported. AND, a lot of the time, it feels like I am ALONE with this heaviness.

OK....I hope this is useful for someone. I know that if I try to medicate this grief with all of the ways there are to avoid it, I will continue to carry it in my body and spirit. So, this is my attempt, tonight.... to be with it.....and to type it out on this page. Blessings to all of you. I am grateful that a forum like this exists.

David

[andy88]

Hello David,

I am very sorry you have to be here, but I am glad you have found us. I lost my only child, Andy, 18 months ago at the age of 22 to a drug overdose. And yes, he will always be my baby...I totally get that. Please join us under Loss of an Adult Child (that's where most people post). I found so much love, comfort, and understanding there. I don't know how I would have gotten through it without these people. I do want to give you a ray of hope that it gets softer over time. It never goes away, but it does become easier to live with. Meanwhile, be extra good to yourself, let yourself cry...it really helps you heal, and please lean on us for support. We all care and understand. My heart hurts for you.

Pam

Hello all. It is Sunday night in Tucson. I am a "newbie" and have only posted a few times. But tonight, I feel enveloped by a heaviness that I feel in both body and spirit. For those who don't know, my son Josh passed away suddenly on April 25th of this year of an accidental overdose. He was/is the eldest of my four children and was 37 when he died. On one hand, I feel grateful that I "had" him for all those years, but on another, it doesn't matter. The loss is still HUGE and there are days when I have cried and the words, "my baby. my baby!" have come out with my sobs. I think, no matter how old, when you lose a child, as a parent, he/she is your baby.

I am grateful for this forum. My best male friend has been a huge support, AND HE doesn't get it. There are some co-workers, who have lost children, that do. And, when I read your posts on here, I know that you do....but those who have not lost a child don't get it. AND, with me that sometimes comes out in me feeling like they want/expect me to be "better than I am" to be more healed than I am.

Since Josh passed, I have IBS ( except it's my whole digestive system that's inflamed), need meds to sleep, and, for the past two weeks have had back pain. It feels like I am walking through life with this heavy haze clinging to and covering me most of the time. And, there is a HUGE part of me that wishes it would be over, wishes I could avoid it or run away from it. I love to cook and eat for the joy of it, rather than just to get full, and a lot of the time food doesn't taste good. BTW, I know a lot of this stuff is "normal." BUT today knowing that didn't help much.

I have had all kinds of signs that God is taking care of me, all kinds of people (including some of you) that have helped me feel loved and supported. AND, a lot of the time, it feels like I am ALONE with this heaviness.

OK....I hope this is useful for someone. I know that if I try to medicate this grief with all of the ways there are to avoid it, I will continue to carry it in my body and spirit. So, this is my attempt, tonight.... to be with it.....and to type it out on this page. Blessings to all of you. I am grateful that a forum like this exists.

David