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weekends killing me-struggling again today


val

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hello all, once again i am up early crying. The weekends just slay me and I wonder how others get through them. i sit here and wait for someone to come into the Chat room. I write emails to my dear Jerry's brothers and sister. It is hard enough losing him, I cannot stand to lose touch with his family members as well. I thank all of you who have supported me in this my darkest month of my life. I feel like all the good days I would or will ever have ended on July 5, 2012 when Jerry died. I thought I was a fairly strong person but this challenge has left me at an almost total loss.Please I appreciate your supportive posts. I am struggling so hard again today to maintain anything like composure and it is too quiet, lonely and empty and i know there is no one going to wake up next to me ever again. I feel like my life might as well be over too cause i cannot seem to get on with any part of it. In pain, val

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Guest KackleDackle

Val, you are strong and together we can deal with our lose. Your Jerry and my Ray. Its a hard nasty time and one we can't change but talking and finding our "peaceful place" will help us both. I hate being inside as its a death place so when I go outside I get a little relief. Its peaceful, quiet and beautiful views of the mountains. Every day we both will feel so much pain but if we try to find that little smidgen of "nice" each day I think we can do this. We both lost amazing people who didn't have a choice. We have a choice and lets make these two men proud of us. I wish I was closer to you just to sit with you and hopefully help you as well as you help me. There is goodness out there for both of us and I am slowly seeing little bits. Only little but better than none. Did you see the photo on my profile page? This shadow in the clouds was above my house. So many other people told me they also saw it. Whatever makes us OK we must go with. Val our husbands would be proud we are talking and trying to make light of this horrible lose for us both.

Someone wise said to me when you cant cope any longer feed the animals then hop in the car and drive to the safest place you can. Surround yourself with someone that can take over your care and help even if its just a few hours or days.

Val we can do this, we need to do this and we need to know how important we are for our loved ones remaining with us. Please please try to find something for you. I got my hair cut the other day. After 6 months I had hair longer than a teenager. Even though I don't care about my appearance I did this. I forced myself to do this and its a step.

My good thoughts are with you today, tonight and tomorrow. Please any time talk and I am so happy to listen.

Take care Val xx

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Val,

I truly feel your pain. I too wake up with thoughts rushing through my head, nonethat actually make sense but like there is too many things going on atonce. Many memories disturb mebecause I know they will never be. The love of my life is gone and loneliness invades my very being. I too hate the weekends, I come homeand when the door closes behind me I just want to go to bed and fall asleep tonever wake again. Then I realize Icannot fall asleep anyway. Insomnia has ruled my life ever since my wife was diagnosed withcancer. It seemed to get worsewhen she died. I was holding herhand and looking into her eyes when she passed. When she was gone, I immediately felt the loneliness creepinto my life. It has haunted me eversince then. The pain seems to getworse for me everyday that passes. I wish I had family near that could help me through these times. I truly pray for us so things could getbetter. I hate being alone!!! I would give anything to have my Maryback. I also thought I was strong;I thought I could handle just about anything. I know now my weakness.

Mike

hello all, once again i am up early crying. The weekends just slay me and I wonder how others get through them. i sit here and wait for someone to come into the Chat room. I write emails to my dear Jerry's brothers and sister. It is hard enough losing him, I cannot stand to lose touch with his family members as well. I thank all of you who have supported me in this my darkest month of my life. I feel like all the good days I would or will ever have ended on July 5, 2012 when Jerry died. I thought I was a fairly strong person but this challenge has left me at an almost total loss.Please I appreciate your supportive posts. I am struggling so hard again today to maintain anything like composure and it is too quiet, lonely and empty and i know there is no one going to wake up next to me ever again. I feel like my life might as well be over too cause i cannot seem to get on with any part of it. In pain, val

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Mike and KD, i made myself go to church at 8.30; i thought it would help me. when i went up for holy communion the priest said "weep no more dear". but i cannot stop myself. i feel out of control with my life. i just want to sleep too all the time, but things have to get done. however, i am not getting much done at all. Work starts up again monday and that would be okay if i can hold myself together. A fair amount of people where i work knew jerry too. I don't know what more to say, some days are better than others and this one started off the wrong way i guess. Thank you both for your support. I hope I will get through this. Jerry and I defined one another; two halves made the whole. without him i am just a half again. a very weak half at that apparently. like mike said, i am becoming aware of my weaknesses. it is all so new to all of us however and time to heal takes just that , time. May God bless you both through this Sunday and everyday. With many thanks for your support, val

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Hi \

My name is Leslie, and I my husband committed suicide on December 22, 2005. I understand you loss and grief, I am still struggling myself. I still feel half of a whole person. I have so many questions that will never be fully answered. Money appears to be the reason, business going down the tubes.......but tremendous amounts of money were gone.....gambling?? I will never know. I stil wake up and for a few seconds, before I open my eyes, I go back in time, and expect to be with my husband, in our home..............nice memory, but when I open my eyes I know my loss is real.

I remember at his wake just walking around, knowing why I was there, responding to people that approached me, but feeling as if I were in the filming of a movie..........not real. Shock is such a blessing, but when it is over.......reality is bitter.

I know that I will have a different life now, but it is hard to forget the life and partner I loved, wanted to grow old with........

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hi leslie, thank you for responding. I am sorry, so sorry for such a tragic loss as you had. i understand what you mean 'the first few minutes i wake up i still think things are okay' then realize they are not ever going to be the way they were again. continue to post at this site; it has helped me and hopefully it will help you. my husband died in his sleep with the autopsy being inconclusive. jesus, you are a strong woman to go through what you are going through. i agree, 'shock' was better than the bitter reality that is now setting in on me.

talk soon, valerie

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I do find comfort talking, venting, or communicating in this forum, not sure what it would be classified as. The councilor I had spoke with told me to keep a journal, I feel this is better. I cannot always find the answers I seek but I believe they may not exist since everyone handles grief differently. I like the fact that you see yourselves as part of something better when you add the other half of your spouse. I felt the same way, now that Mary is gone I feel that everything that was good in my life has left. Can I ever find happiness in the future? If I found someone that helped me and made me laugh again. Is it right to engage in a relationship with that person? I don’t know the proper etiquette for this situation. What is the right way to act? Why do I feel the way I do? I feel very lonely, guilty, and just exhausted. Will this ever change?

Mike

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hi leslie, thank you for responding. I am sorry, so sorry for such a tragic loss as you had. i understand what you mean 'the first few minutes i wake up i still think things are okay' then realize they are not ever going to be the way they were again. continue to post at this site; it has helped me and hopefully it will help you. my husband died in his sleep with the autopsy being inconclusive. jesus, you are a strong woman to go through what you are going through. i agree, 'shock' was better than the bitter reality that is now setting in on me.

talk soon, valerie

Hi Val,

I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for writing me back. It is the reality that is difficult to absorb, hang in there. I find myself going through the paces, but I truly don't feel joy or happiness in the way that I used to experience it. Our adopted daughter was just 8 when my husband died, and I am grateful to have had to function to take care of her. To complicate the grieving process, my first husband was murdered by a disgruntled employee in 1995 Our sons were just 15 and 18 at the time, and my ex and I were very close. Jay,my recent husband and I were married just 2 months before Tony (first husband) was murdered. He was our rock, and he took care of my sons and I, and became a father to them. He supported us, and made us feel secure again. It is unimaginable to tell your sons that their father is dead at the age of 42, let alone murdered. My therapist believes that I have PTSD as a result of both losses, and they have compounded my grieving.

Leslie

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Rich_harrington

Val,

I also find weekends the most difficult time. It was the time that we reserved for each other. I have no comforting thoughts other than that you are not alone. Weekends always bring tears to my eyes and a terrible longing for her simple presence.

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Hello Val, Kackle, Leslie, Mike and anyone else who comes by this page:

I am so sorry for all your tears - I've been dealing with this bereavement and depression for over 3 years now, so please don't be discouraged, your reactions are totally normal. I fact I would be more surprised if you weren't still in deep mourning for what you have lost, and especially that many people have always made plans for a future which included your spouse and which you now realise will be very different than you had thought it would be. It still gives me a great deal of pain to hear how much you are all suffering. I know how impossible it feels now that you can go on, but you are strong and loving people, and as you slowly work your own way through this nightmare, you will find that you are much stronger than you thought. You just won't see this strength until some of the intense pain is slowly overcome.

Do you have pets? That's certainly been a step forward for me, as when my husband was dying there was no way I had the time nor the inclination to take on another responsibity, but I just recently bought a small dog (bigger ones for me, sadly, were out of the question because of my arthritis) and he is a tremendous help. (And he sleeps on my husband's side of the bed so when I wake up it's usually because he wants to snuggle! That really helps me focus on the present and the future.) And keeps me very busy every day, too.

Val, for almost two years I couldn't stop crying any time anyone even mentioned my husband's name or told a story about times past. I still do sometimes, but I'm at the point that I just give myself permission to cry when I have to and I have just given up trying to put a phony smile on my face and fight back tears. If people don't know that their comments distress me then they aren't worth it to me to fake that I'm ok and then wind up sobbing my heart out after I leave.

I hope that you will all continue to write or chat in this room, or in another group if this one doesn't suit you, but I know I found it very consoling just to be able to express my grief and sadness to others who actually understand what you are going through.

Love and may you all have a good night's sleep and find something positive to wrap yourself in for tomorrow.

Jane

___________________________________________________________________

hello all, once again i am up early crying. The weekends just slay me and I wonder how others get through them. i sit here and wait for someone to come into the Chat room. I write emails to my dear Jerry's brothers and sister. It is hard enough losing him, I cannot stand to lose touch with his family members as well. I thank all of you who have supported me in this my darkest month of my life. I feel like all the good days I would or will ever have ended on July 5, 2012 when Jerry died. I thought I was a fairly strong person but this challenge has left me at an almost total loss.Please I appreciate your supportive posts. I am struggling so hard again today to maintain anything like composure and it is too quiet, lonely and empty and i know there is no one going to wake up next to me ever again. I feel like my life might as well be over too cause i cannot seem to get on with any part of it. In pain, val

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