Lost my mom to suicide

[michellesdaughter]

Hi my name is Jordon and im 22 years old. My mom passed away March 3 but not found untill March 5th of this year. My life has comepletley turned upside down. I am the oldest out of her 5 children and it is very stressful. Myself and my younger sister and younger brother havent lived with her for quite some time but my two youngest half brothers were at the time she had passed. On a sunday afternoon myself and my brother I live with wanted to go out and visit. We pulled up to her house and her car was totaled in the drive way. We walked inside and my brother was sitting in the dark. We asked where mom was but he had no clue, he said she had never came home from the night before.From the best of my knowledge she sent my two younger brothers out of the house, one to the movies and one to a friends house one afternoon. So my brother stayed the night with my family and i continued to try and get ahold of her over and over while I was at work the night before. We havent kept in close contact she always seemed to push us kids away and sometimes would want to see us and other times she wouldnt even call. So that night it had snowed so I had figured if she had came home during the night then there would be tire tracks or foot prints. After i took my brother to school that morning and had notified his principal that my mom was currently missing, I drove to her house which is just a few miles down the road. There were no sign of any tire tracks or foot prints I had hoped for. I walked around the house looking for any sign that she had been there or where she might have been. The house was a scattered mess. Her belongings still in the normal spots, nothing looked missing or misplaced. I stayed there for a good 20 minutes just wondering and worrying. I had figured maybe she had run off and acted stupid but I honeslty thought I would find her home passed out and completey remorseful for acting the way she did. Like we always did us kids would forgive her and move on. We loved her and always looked past her mess ups. No sign of her or sign or where she was I left and went home and took a nap until it was time to pick my brother up from school. As I was driving to pick up my brother, I got a phone call that changed my life forever. My moms best friend had found my mom hanging in the back yard about 20 feet into the woods. This was at the same house I had been at just a few hours before. I could have found her. then i put two and two together, she had been gone two days. She had ended her life while my brothers were at the movies and a friends house. Then my brother had stayed the night waiting for her to come home and she had been in the woods the whole time. I am having a hard time coping with this all. I just have a hard time wondering why 5 kids werent enough for her. The fact that i never had the relationship I always wanted with her. I always hoped maybe one day she would wake up and just be the mom we needed her to be. We didnt want fancy things, all us kids wanted was her to stand on her own two feet and be happy. For her to be proud of herself would have made us happy. I miss her every day and I still cant believe shes gone. She was the funniest person Ive known, had the best personality and a contagious smile. I found out at her funeral she had talked her neighbor from committing suicide just a few months prior to her death and I wonder why she couldnt have used her own advice. Why she couldnt have thought for a second that 5 children needed her badly. I will never know these answers. But I pray for comfort and peace for me and my siblings.

[val]

dearone, you have suffered a tremendous trauma. you have come to a good place to begin to heal. i cannot imagine what you are going through. i lost my dear husband on july 5 2012, barely a month ago. please continue to post ; there are people much farther along in their grieving process than i who can be helpful to you here. I respectfully say I am sorry for your loss. val

[onlyme]

I am so sorry for your lost of your mom. I lost my dad to suicide 16 years ago. it was very difficult for me as i know you are still reeling from this horrid trauma. There are no words to really be of comfort but remember this, when someone says they "understand" you will know they truly do!

there are a gamut of emotions you will experience and none will be the same as what even i endured when i grieved my father. I had a tendency to bottle up so after 2 years after his death, i broke down and well, there you have it. not all do that and that is a blessing. my mother experienced grief in an entirely different way. some how we endured and that is a good thing.

this year in feb. i lost my mother and it was very hard as i had moved back home after decades away from my home town so she would not be "alone" - 12 years later we had a lovely dozen years and i was here for her. it was very difficult and frankly the hardest thing in the world i have done. now i am at a standstill on my own grief and stumble upon this site. over the last hour i ahve seen some bright spots knowing that others truly see and feel what i feel. no one in my circle here seem to. what a relief. i was beginning to think i was going nuts.

Lost- be careful with yourself. If you prefer counseling go for it, i went to a suicide group for some weeks and it was helpful truly. raw emotions but you find you are in a "wierd" club of sorts. i think those who lose loved ones and friends via other violent acts also are in thier own wierd club. but when someone knows, and says they know, it helps a bit. it did me.

don't ever think you are alone! i will answer any questions you might have to the best of my ability and i hope it helps you ! take care!

peace be with you.