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my big sister


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Last Friday my sister oded on heroin....and passed away. Today is her funeral and I've made all the arrangements. He husband has pushed that responsibility on to me..and I don't mind. I've kept busy...but I don't mind.I've gone crazy...but I don't mind...I've been a perfectionist...but I don't mind. He husband not only fed her addiction...but went to go get the heroin that night..knowing she was an addict...did it with her...they passed out. He woke up...she didn't...he should have been strong for her...but instead he was weak and let her pull him into her world...and he was the downfall of hers. She needed support..someone to help and care for her. I was her glue .I helped her the best I could and never gave up on her..I thought things were getting better...she had been stealing my moms vicodin and 3 days before it happened we approached her about it...she had stolen 23 of them and they were already gone. I asked her if she needed help..if I could help her and she said as soon as her insurance kicked in at work...she would go back to rehab. And I told her that for the time being...let's get mom a master lock box and ill go with u so u can help lock up something you're addicted to and strengthen your self..and also build moms trust back as well....and she loved that idea... Loved it. And then 3 days later.........................she was my best friend. No one knew me like she did...and no one knew her like me....but she kept the heroin a secret from me...I knew she had weak moments ...but I thought she was doing better... She always came to me to help her....and I couldn't help her...I've been so strong for her...doing all of this for her..and I have my nephews beautiful face to look at to get me thru this...but I'm so scared that after today everything slows down...and all my running and planning and work to make her proud will be over....and today will be the hardest day..but the realization of never seeing her smile and hear her laugh..and never seeing my best friend again......well...I just can't wrap my mind around that yet......why did she leave me? ...why did she let the addiction win? We were suppose to grow old together...I'm 27... She was 32...that's not fucking old!!! I'm so angry and sad..I feel I may scream. I made sure she looked beautiful..like ill always remember her. I love u Amy...and will miss u forever. ********This was from 6/22/12. It's been almost two months since all that and I feel like an emotionless shell... I have my moments.. normally when its late and I'm by my self.. and I can't even emotionally be there for my mom... Or my nephew and I feel like such an ass.. but I don't know how else to be... It does make it easier to just shove it down and keep living.. putting on that fake smile and pretend that I'm not angry or sad at my sisters decision to be selfish and die from that.... So to keep all if those mixed feeling at bay... I just ovoid talking about it. People think I'm coping better than "they would".. but in reality I'm dying on the inside and still just want to scream. Who do I call at 2am when I can't sleep huh?? Who?? No one anymore... I guess I just need except she is gone... And let go of some of this anger.. but I don't know how other than to just not talk about it.. I don't know how else to deal.

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