Too much loss

[sandsurfgirl]

I've had so much loss the past few years it's overwhelming. I discovered this forum when I was searching for answers about grieving.

My dad battled cancer for a bit over a year and lost the battle about 3 weeks ago. He was only 64 years old, not even retired yet.

I lost my mom about 2 1/2 years ago, but not to death, to self destructiveness. She is mentally ill and refuses to take her medications so she gets crazy. She would have episodes where she would scream, yell, tell me off and get downright nasty. I had to cut her out of my life because she was causing me too much stress and she wasn't safe around my small children. My husband and I work hard to have a healthy happy childhood for my kids and it was too much to manage her fits and craziness and shield them from it.

Losing my dad a few weeks ago is doubly hard because I don't have my mom there to fill the void. I have a wonderful stepmom whom I love, but she and I aren't super close, not chummy where I would call her all the time to just chat and she lives about 2 hours away from me. I did a lot of driving to visit my dad when he was sick.

Last November a close friend of mine died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack even though he was in his early 40's.

Around the time I had to cut off contact with my mom I was diagnosed with celiac disease. Believe it or not there is a huge grieving process and loss with that as well. (Celiac is the disease where you get sick from gluten which is wheat, barley and rye.) There are so many foods you can't eat anymore. Can't eat at so many restaurants. Pot lucks are impossible. I had to relearn my whole way of cooking and eating, learn new products, new ways of baking. Then my little boy was diagnosed with it too, so he is saddled with this really difficult major food allergy the rest of his life.

When I was diagnosed with celiac my best friend dumped me. I was really really sick, even thought I was dying, and sometimes when you get sick people will just get so freaked out they can't stand to be around you. So that's what happened to me.

Also, I had 3 dogs that all grew old together and all of three of them died in a span of two years. And that was all in the past 3 years.

So in the span of less than 3 years- my mom, my dad, my close friend, my best friend, most foods on the planet, and all 3 of my dogs.

Surprisingly I'm not a basket case. I have a great husband who has been very supportive and I have 2 great kids that bring me so much joy. But it's been a really hard road and I need a break from all of this. God must think I'm super woman because they always say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Not sure if that's true, but it sounds nice at any rate.

Since my dad died I've had so much fear. The fear is overwhelming. Fear that I will die and leave my kids alone. Fear of losing my husband or one of my kids. Fear of losing the dogs that I have now. Fear of losing my bird. Ugh.

My poor son asked me not too long ago "Mommy when are bad things going to stop happening to us?" I wish I could give him an answer.

[JennaJMU]

Sandsurfgirl,

I can completely relate to the fear you have. I just lost my father on July 28th after he got an infection and became septic and had respiratory failure. He was a perfectly healthy 64 year old before that. Now I am obsessed with the fear of losing everyone in my life. I'm so afraid something is going to happen to my mom, husband, and daughter now and if something happens to one more person, I just won't be able to handle it. I too am also afraid of dieing and leaving my infant daughter. I think it must be some kind of natural progression after being exposed to untimely death. I certainly never had these thoughts after losing a grandparent....but you are supposed to lose your grandparents, they're old. We're not supposed to lose our parents or friends this young. I even know a girl who just lost her 6 month old daughter. All of these things are making me absolutely a mental case and I think I need to get some medication soon.

Prayers for you! I'm glad you have such a good support system. I just wanted to let you know I understand your fears.

Jenna