Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Day 20


Guest KackleDackle

Recommended Posts

  • Guests
Guest KackleDackle

Its Day 20 since my husband left. We have been together for 31 years and I am 46 years old. We lived and worked together only spending 3 nights apart ever (other than hospital stays).

Flowers are dead, cards piling up but visits and phone calls stopped. It feels like out of sight out of mind. I do really feel alone in all ways. Things people say are so inappropriate they should write a book on what not to say. "I know how you feel", "it gets better", "you will meet someone else". It is making me very angry atm. I just say to people (a) you dont know as you were not married to him and (B) gets better than what?...Each day is lonely, quiet, dragging and horrible. My stomach feels like I have swallowed soap. Food tastes different.

I am glad I joined this site so I can see maybe I am not alone and you all are going through things that have broken your heart.

Thankyou for listening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Leedyaislost

Hi Kackle, I'm in month 2 and I know the feeling of out of sight, out of mind. I have a few friends that are willing to listen to me ramble about my feelings, but I feel a separate guilt in talking at people about things they can't possibly comprehend.

The pivotal moment in inappropriate commentary made regarding my loss was when a coworker posted on Facebook, how "weirded out she was" about my ex husband / best friend's death. I had not made anything public, as that is not my way. The selfishness and insensitivity displayed by various people has been disappointing and exhausting, to say the least. I'm not certain if and when this gets better, but for your sake and mine, I sure hope it will.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Guests
Guest KackleDackle

Thanks Leedya people can be really cruel can't they. Actually life is cruel and sucks atm. Yes you find out your real friends - good and bad together makes a loyal friend. Hope your ok and possibly we can keep chatting.

Kackle

Hi Kackle, I'm in month 2 and I know the feeling of out of sight, out of mind. I have a few friends that are willing to listen to me ramble about my feelings, but I feel a separate guilt in talking at people about things they can't possibly comprehend.

The pivotal moment in inappropriate commentary made regarding my loss was when a coworker posted on Facebook, how "weirded out she was" about my ex husband / best friend's death. I had not made anything public, as that is not my way. The selfishness and insensitivity displayed by various people has been disappointing and exhausting, to say the least. I'm not certain if and when this gets better, but for your sake and mine, I sure hope it will.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Guests
Guest KackleDackle

Thanks Leedya people can be really cruel can't they. Actually life is cruel and sucks atm. Yes you find out your real friends - good and bad together makes a loyal friend. Hope your ok and possibly we can keep chatting.

Kackle

Hi Kackle, I'm in month 2 and I know the feeling of out of sight, out of mind. I have a few friends that are willing to listen to me ramble about my feelings, but I feel a separate guilt in talking at people about things they can't possibly comprehend.

The pivotal moment in inappropriate commentary made regarding my loss was when a coworker posted on Facebook, how "weirded out she was" about my ex husband / best friend's death. I had not made anything public, as that is not my way. The selfishness and insensitivity displayed by various people has been disappointing and exhausting, to say the least. I'm not certain if and when this gets better, but for your sake and mine, I sure hope it will.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi KD - we were in chat earlier this morning. i understand what you mean when u look around and everyone and everything is changed. i had a slew of phne calls when jerry first died. now , not so much. i have to do the reach out in a lot of ases. flowers are dead. it is the most painful life changing event i've ever gone through. i subscribe to something that may help you: gooogle GriefShare daily emails. you'll get one every day and it addresses much of what you have talked about. i have to get ready for work now. try and have a blessed day in God. let yourself feel what you feel. grief takes time. i'm only past the one month mark so i'm right with you. love, val

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Guests
Guest KackleDackle

Hi Val

I am sobbing reading your message. I will look at the site..thankyou.

I am blessed in so many ways. I am not religious at all but blessed with my wonderful two children who have been a rock. My husband Ray was someone I relied on always. He was isn't that odd to say.. I suppose thats a step but one I dont want to do yet. He is amazing, is my best friend for 31 years. He never looked at another woman and idolised me faults and all. I miss him so much it gives me massive chest pains and panic attacks. True friends are around and between them they have kept an eye from a distance checking in with each other who has seen me today rather than all come around. Its the friends that dont seem to care that hurt. Ray did so much for people and when he went they just seem to forget. I have started counselling as Ray and I agreed I should. Weekly for a month then see how I go after this. We picked out a puppy as well which he wanted me to get in week 2 after he left. Ray said to keep the bed warm and give me something to force me outside each day. It does but when its below zero in the morning its hard to do. Ray thought so much on what I need to do because he said I wouldnt be able to . Everything from funeral to music to photos. I was lucky to get this opportunity but it still is horrible Val. Isn't it horrible the amount of cards and flowers we get. I hated the sound of the flower truck pulling up. Ray never wanted flowers as he was into Medical research so it was horrible. Then the flowers die and we are left writing thankyou cards for the cards we got. All odd and so surreal. I hope your work is bearable. I think you are extremely brave to go back and face so many people. I tried but the environment is medical so I quickly left after breaking down. At the moment I need to spend time with me and deal with what I need to as it comes. Ray wrote me 30 things to do and to read the list each day. Some of the things were to cry when I want where ever I want, don't blame anyone, go outside every day, eat well, keep up with my grooming and try not to medicate unless really necessary. It is so good reading this every day as it is a robotic cycle and helps me greatly.

Was Jerry sick at all during his life Val? Do you have pets? I think I read you had no children. Is that correct? You said Jerry died on July 5th after the 4th of July. Is that independence Day in USA?

Well Val I hope we can keep in touch and share our feelings openly. Thanks again for the website I am going onto it know.

KD x

Hi KD - we were in chat earlier this morning. i understand what you mean when u look around and everyone and everything is changed. i had a slew of phne calls when jerry first died. now , not so much. i have to do the reach out in a lot of ases. flowers are dead. it is the most painful life changing event i've ever gone through. i subscribe to something that may help you: gooogle GriefShare daily emails. you'll get one every day and it addresses much of what you have talked about. i have to get ready for work now. try and have a blessed day in God. let yourself feel what you feel. grief takes time. i'm only past the one month mark so i'm right with you. love, val

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KD, what a remarkable man your husband was to actually write out thirty things for you to do each day to try and help you cope with losing him. He must have loved you so very much. My husband and I never discussed that he was dying. He always said that he was going anywhere anytime soon. We were together 32 years and losing him was devastating. He used to write me little notes sometimes and one of them was about watching me sleep. At the end of the note, he wrote "I will always be watching". That gives me comfort.

Val, I share your experience of everyone calling at first and then quickly the calls become fewer and fewer. Thanks for posting to KD about the site called GriefShare. I am also going to check it out. Sounds like a helpful tool to deal with the searing pain that all of us hear are having. Wishing both of you a Blessed day.

Linda

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

hello KD - well your husband is a marvelous man to have supported you and prepared you in such a way, with a list even. What a blessing because when it comes right down to it, I need , we need that daily structure to move along, i think. to answer your question, no jerry was only 58 but had led a tough life, he was a navy seal and his bad back started when he cracked it on a sandbar on a jump. add to that a car accident, physical labor; he had an mri three inches thick. so he was on some pain meds but took them as he was supposed to. he had a problem with retaining water, bladder. but other than that, it was just his time darling. we have no children, but a wonderful cat w ho is just like jerry in so many ways. i just came home from work; i work in the mental health field. it was a rough day. but i saw your post and wanted to respond with love, reverence and gentleness. i am going to lay down now, can't seem to watch TV without jerry with me. i need an emotional break from the day, eat something. i pray for an early night's rest because it feels sleep is the only peace i have. i am so lonely. jerry was always outside with his beautiful smile to greet me and carry my stuff out of the car. no longer. i can hardly stand it here alone but i refuse to give up our sanctuary as we call it. god bless you tonight. chat tomorrow am? xoxxo val

Hi Val

I am sobbing reading your message. I will look at the site..thankyou.

I am blessed in so many ways. I am not religious at all but blessed with my wonderful two children who have been a rock. My husband Ray was someone I relied on always. He was isn't that odd to say.. I suppose thats a step but one I dont want to do yet. He is amazing, is my best friend for 31 years. He never looked at another woman and idolised me faults and all. I miss him so much it gives me massive chest pains and panic attacks. True friends are around and between them they have kept an eye from a distance checking in with each other who has seen me today rather than all come around. Its the friends that dont seem to care that hurt. Ray did so much for people and when he went they just seem to forget. I have started counselling as Ray and I agreed I should. Weekly for a month then see how I go after this. We picked out a puppy as well which he wanted me to get in week 2 after he left. Ray said to keep the bed warm and give me something to force me outside each day. It does but when its below zero in the morning its hard to do. Ray thought so much on what I need to do because he said I wouldnt be able to . Everything from funeral to music to photos. I was lucky to get this opportunity but it still is horrible Val. Isn't it horrible the amount of cards and flowers we get. I hated the sound of the flower truck pulling up. Ray never wanted flowers as he was into Medical research so it was horrible. Then the flowers die and we are left writing thankyou cards for the cards we got. All odd and so surreal. I hope your work is bearable. I think you are extremely brave to go back and face so many people. I tried but the environment is medical so I quickly left after breaking down. At the moment I need to spend time with me and deal with what I need to as it comes. Ray wrote me 30 things to do and to read the list each day. Some of the things were to cry when I want where ever I want, don't blame anyone, go outside every day, eat well, keep up with my grooming and try not to medicate unless really necessary. It is so good reading this every day as it is a robotic cycle and helps me greatly.

Was Jerry sick at all during his life Val? Do you have pets? I think I read you had no children. Is that correct? You said Jerry died on July 5th after the 4th of July. Is that independence Day in USA?

Well Val I hope we can keep in touch and share our feelings openly. Thanks again for the website I am going onto it know.

KD x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

hello KD - well your husband is a marvelous man to have supported you and prepared you in such a way, with a list even. What a blessing because when it comes right down to it, I need , we need that daily structure to move along, i think. to answer your question, no jerry was only 58 but had led a tough life, he was a navy seal and his bad back started when he cracked it on a sandbar on a jump. add to that a car accident, physical labor; he had an mri three inches thick. so he was on some pain meds but took them as he was supposed to. he had a problem with retaining water, bladder. but other than that, it was just his time darling. we have no children, but a wonderful cat w ho is just like jerry in so many ways. i just came home from work; i work in the mental health field. it was a rough day. but i saw your post and wanted to respond with love, reverence and gentleness. i am going to lay down now, can't seem to watch TV without jerry with me. i need an emotional break from the day, eat something. i pray for an early night's rest because it feels sleep is the only peace i have. i am so lonely. jerry was always outside with his beautiful smile to greet me and carry my stuff out of the car. no longer. i can hardly stand it here alone but i refuse to give up our sanctuary as we call it. god bless you tonight. chat tomorrow am? xoxxo val

Hi Val

I am sobbing reading your message. I will look at the site..thankyou.

I am blessed in so many ways. I am not religious at all but blessed with my wonderful two children who have been a rock. My husband Ray was someone I relied on always. He was isn't that odd to say.. I suppose thats a step but one I dont want to do yet. He is amazing, is my best friend for 31 years. He never looked at another woman and idolised me faults and all. I miss him so much it gives me massive chest pains and panic attacks. True friends are around and between them they have kept an eye from a distance checking in with each other who has seen me today rather than all come around. Its the friends that dont seem to care that hurt. Ray did so much for people and when he went they just seem to forget. I have started counselling as Ray and I agreed I should. Weekly for a month then see how I go after this. We picked out a puppy as well which he wanted me to get in week 2 after he left. Ray said to keep the bed warm and give me something to force me outside each day. It does but when its below zero in the morning its hard to do. Ray thought so much on what I need to do because he said I wouldnt be able to . Everything from funeral to music to photos. I was lucky to get this opportunity but it still is horrible Val. Isn't it horrible the amount of cards and flowers we get. I hated the sound of the flower truck pulling up. Ray never wanted flowers as he was into Medical research so it was horrible. Then the flowers die and we are left writing thankyou cards for the cards we got. All odd and so surreal. I hope your work is bearable. I think you are extremely brave to go back and face so many people. I tried but the environment is medical so I quickly left after breaking down. At the moment I need to spend time with me and deal with what I need to as it comes. Ray wrote me 30 things to do and to read the list each day. Some of the things were to cry when I want where ever I want, don't blame anyone, go outside every day, eat well, keep up with my grooming and try not to medicate unless really necessary. It is so good reading this every day as it is a robotic cycle and helps me greatly.

Was Jerry sick at all during his life Val? Do you have pets? I think I read you had no children. Is that correct? You said Jerry died on July 5th after the 4th of July. Is that independence Day in USA?

Well Val I hope we can keep in touch and share our feelings openly. Thanks again for the website I am going onto it know.

KD x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

hello KD - well your husband is a marvelous man to have supported you and prepared you in such a way, with a list even. What a blessing because when it comes right down to it, I need , we need that daily structure to move along, i think. to answer your question, no jerry was only 58 but had led a tough life, he was a navy seal and his bad back started when he cracked it on a sandbar on a jump. add to that a car accident, physical labor; he had an mri three inches thick. so he was on some pain meds but took them as he was supposed to. he had a problem with retaining water, bladder. but other than that, it was just his time darling. we have no children, but a wonderful cat w ho is just like jerry in so many ways. i just came home from work; i work in the mental health field. it was a rough day. but i saw your post and wanted to respond with love, reverence and gentleness. i am going to lay down now, can't seem to watch TV without jerry with me. i need an emotional break from the day, eat something. i pray for an early night's rest because it feels sleep is the only peace i have. i am so lonely. jerry was always outside with his beautiful smile to greet me and carry my stuff out of the car. no longer. i can hardly stand it here alone but i refuse to give up our sanctuary as we call it. god bless you tonight. chat tomorrow am? xoxxo val

Hi Val

I am sobbing reading your message. I will look at the site..thankyou.

I am blessed in so many ways. I am not religious at all but blessed with my wonderful two children who have been a rock. My husband Ray was someone I relied on always. He was isn't that odd to say.. I suppose thats a step but one I dont want to do yet. He is amazing, is my best friend for 31 years. He never looked at another woman and idolised me faults and all. I miss him so much it gives me massive chest pains and panic attacks. True friends are around and between them they have kept an eye from a distance checking in with each other who has seen me today rather than all come around. Its the friends that dont seem to care that hurt. Ray did so much for people and when he went they just seem to forget. I have started counselling as Ray and I agreed I should. Weekly for a month then see how I go after this. We picked out a puppy as well which he wanted me to get in week 2 after he left. Ray said to keep the bed warm and give me something to force me outside each day. It does but when its below zero in the morning its hard to do. Ray thought so much on what I need to do because he said I wouldnt be able to . Everything from funeral to music to photos. I was lucky to get this opportunity but it still is horrible Val. Isn't it horrible the amount of cards and flowers we get. I hated the sound of the flower truck pulling up. Ray never wanted flowers as he was into Medical research so it was horrible. Then the flowers die and we are left writing thankyou cards for the cards we got. All odd and so surreal. I hope your work is bearable. I think you are extremely brave to go back and face so many people. I tried but the environment is medical so I quickly left after breaking down. At the moment I need to spend time with me and deal with what I need to as it comes. Ray wrote me 30 things to do and to read the list each day. Some of the things were to cry when I want where ever I want, don't blame anyone, go outside every day, eat well, keep up with my grooming and try not to medicate unless really necessary. It is so good reading this every day as it is a robotic cycle and helps me greatly.

Was Jerry sick at all during his life Val? Do you have pets? I think I read you had no children. Is that correct? You said Jerry died on July 5th after the 4th of July. Is that independence Day in USA?

Well Val I hope we can keep in touch and share our feelings openly. Thanks again for the website I am going onto it know.

KD x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Val

I am sobbing reading your message. I will look at the site..thankyou.

I am blessed in so many ways. I am not religious at all but blessed with my wonderful two children who have been a rock. My husband Ray was someone I relied on always. He was isn't that odd to say.. I suppose thats a step but one I dont want to do yet. He is amazing, is my best friend for 31 years. He never looked at another woman and idolised me faults and all. I miss him so much it gives me massive chest pains and panic attacks. True friends are around and between them they have kept an eye from a distance checking in with each other who has seen me today rather than all come around. Its the friends that dont seem to care that hurt. Ray did so much for people and when he went they just seem to forget. I have started counselling as Ray and I agreed I should. Weekly for a month then see how I go after this. We picked out a puppy as well which he wanted me to get in week 2 after he left. Ray said to keep the bed warm and give me something to force me outside each day. It does but when its below zero in the morning its hard to do. Ray thought so much on what I need to do because he said I wouldnt be able to . Everything from funeral to music to photos. I was lucky to get this opportunity but it still is horrible Val. Isn't it horrible the amount of cards and flowers we get. I hated the sound of the flower truck pulling up. Ray never wanted flowers as he was into Medical research so it was horrible. Then the flowers die and we are left writing thankyou cards for the cards we got. All odd and so surreal. I hope your work is bearable. I think you are extremely brave to go back and face so many people. I tried but the environment is medical so I quickly left after breaking down. At the moment I need to spend time with me and deal with what I need to as it comes. Ray wrote me 30 things to do and to read the list each day. Some of the things were to cry when I want where ever I want, don't blame anyone, go outside every day, eat well, keep up with my grooming and try not to medicate unless really necessary. It is so good reading this every day as it is a robotic cycle and helps me greatly.

Was Jerry sick at all during his life Val? Do you have pets? I think I read you had no children. Is that correct? You said Jerry died on July 5th after the 4th of July. Is that independence Day in USA?

Well Val I hope we can keep in touch and share our feelings openly. Thanks again for the website I am going onto it know.

KD x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Guests
Guest KackleDackle

Hi Val

Jerry had a very different career didn't he. To us aussies a Navy Seal is amazing and top secret! lol. I hope you had a peaceful rest. I slept so well last night . I think finally having people to relate to me and knowing I am not alone helps. I am still in my PJ's at 10am but I dont care. My puppy and I are snuggling with no radio or TV just peace and quiet. Its so hard looking outside as Ray used to be an early riser and even with oxygen wandered onto his spot on the verandah to watch the world go by. He loved the sun in the morning. I hope today is ok for you Val. I am thinking of you and thankyou for talking yesterday. I really feel a little strength from this site so far. x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Leedyaislost

Good evening Kackle and Val,

Both of your husbands sound like wonderful men, and K, what a gift to have a list that was created for you to turn to in your grief. It's a lovely legacy, and amazing proof of the love and concern Ray had for you. Can I ask if it has made the process any easier, knowing that his passing was approaching? I think of that from time to time; do I wish I could have known beforehand, so I could have been with C, to lend him some comfort as he passed? Or would I have worried him, my daughters, and myself sick, trying to stave off the inevitable?

I sometimes still think I'm in shock, even two months in. I walk through days at work only half hearing what people say, and not caring what I may have missed. Even talking about him, and "it" makes my chest and throat tight.

I hope your experience in counseling is positive, and I hope you find some light and small joys in each day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Guests
Guest KackleDackle

Hi Leedya

Definately the list helps me as all those questions like what to do with the car, the house etc. I was lucky to have time and I seriously believe I had the time to do a lot of grieving before with Ray to help me cope. Now I am alone and he has set the boundaries on what I need to do until I have my own strength to do what I have to. Its funny but he is still guiding me each day which is good as it is a slow release rather than just bang. I don't have him to touch but the guidance is wonderful. I just went into his tool shed and I just broke down. Ray was so particular with things. I can't even find a drill bit because everything is put into places only Ray knows where. Any way someone dies I think we wish it was different. You lost C suddenly and I lost Ray slowly. Which way is less grief - neither. We still lost our loved ones and part of our grief is "what if" and "bargaining". Nothing we do can change what has happened we just have to work out how to handle it and I do it by being guided, reading Rays list and listening to how I feel and going with it all. Honestly I feel Ray hasn't left me yet. I am continuously feeling him and seeing things. It doesnt matter if its real or subconcious as long as I am comfortable with it. I think if we all had a choice in life or our loved ones had a choice they would still be with us living their lives to the fulliest. How cruel is it for them as well not being their for the kids and us. Both of us have suffered and will continue to until our heart becomes peaceful and we can smile without guilt, live without regrets and love the ones left with us. Take care Leedya do what you need to do and be assured I for one feel your pain and happy to talk whenever. Really helps me x

Good evening Kackle and Val,

Both of your husbands sound like wonderful men, and K, what a gift to have a list that was created for you to turn to in your grief. It's a lovely legacy, and amazing proof of the love and concern Ray had for you. Can I ask if it has made the process any easier, knowing that his passing was approaching? I think of that from time to time; do I wish I could have known beforehand, so I could have been with C, to lend him some comfort as he passed? Or would I have worried him, my daughters, and myself sick, trying to stave off the inevitable?

I sometimes still think I'm in shock, even two months in. I walk through days at work only half hearing what people say, and not caring what I may have missed. Even talking about him, and "it" makes my chest and throat tight.

I hope your experience in counseling is positive, and I hope you find some light and small joys in each day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.