Members Cait Posted August 6, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 6, 2012 My dad passed away in late January this year. He had been in the hospital for 3-4 months, afflicted by a rare heart condition. He was not unfamiliar with hospitals, though -- he had radiation therapy in early adulthood, then had to have two heart valves replaced about 10 years ago. He passed away during surgery, after the operation to give him an artificial heart was complete, but they were still keeping him anesthetized and monitoring him. His body couldn't handle the surgery.I was in my second year of college at the time, so I just kind of put off grieving until this summer. I had to do what I had to do to get good grades, and anything more than what was necessary was impossible. My brain just could not take in any more information after a certain point. I had to stifle my feelings as a defense mechanism as I existed through winter and spring quarters at my college. There were no bereavement days whatsoever in the fast-paced quarter system. It was really difficult, but things have only gotten harder since mid-June, which is when I started feeling what I needed to feel through all that time... I have trouble enjoying anything now. Sometimes I don't even feel any better in the company of my friends. I care for them very much, but their lives are still so innocent - they haven't lost their parents, they don't know this pain. I just have to put on a happy face when I'm with them. I always wanted to make my dad proud while I was growing up, and while he was in the hospital, he told me he and my mom were very proud of me. I'm going to remember that moment for the rest of my life. He seemed to know everything, and he explained all kinds of things to me when I was a little kid. We had the same sense of humor; we "got" each other, and I haven't really had that kind of connection with anyone else. Now I feel like I have little or no purpose in life because he's gone. Right now is especially rough, since I will be turning 18 soon. I'm having a birthday party, and this time he won't be there--he was always there. I also have to move out for university in a month and a half, and I'm not ready for this change. I am going to be about an hour from home, so I'll get to come visit, but I'm going to miss my mom and my pets very, very much. I won't be able to commute, I think, since I have classes early in the morning and into the evening (limited class options this quarter due to low priority). I don't want to have to associate my university days with this horrible feeling, but I guess that's how it's going to be. I wish he could have known that I got accepted into my first choice for college, and I wish he could have seen me graduate. Those moments were very bittersweet for me. I feel so lost and broken and alone. I just have to hope that things will improve with time, and that one day in the distant future I'll feel like myself again.I came here so that I could find others to relate to. I hope you find some comfort from my story, with the knowledge that there are others out there going through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKonnie Posted August 7, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 Cait,I am so sorry about your loss of your father. Trying to get through school must have been so difficult. Trying to sort through feelings, and then having such a big event in your life (like your 18th birthday), well, I'm sure it is a struggle. You will eventually begin to process all the feelings you are experiencing, and one of these days, you will be able to smile and laugh again, and even mean it. It just takes some time.One of the best things you can do is to just talk to people and/or journal your thoughts. It will help you.In the meantime, please feel free to post some pictures of your father, and tell us his life story. We will be here for you,ModKonnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKonnie Posted August 7, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 Cait,I am so sorry about your loss of your father. Trying to get through school must have been so difficult. Trying to sort through feelings, and then having such a big event in your life (like your 18th birthday), well, I'm sure it is a struggle. You will eventually begin to process all the feelings you are experiencing, and one of these days, you will be able to smile and laugh again, and even mean it. It just takes some time.One of the best things you can do is to just talk to people and/or journal your thoughts. It will help you.In the meantime, please feel free to post some pictures of your father, and tell us his life story. We will be here for you,ModKonnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKonnie Posted August 7, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 Cait,I am so sorry about your loss of your father. Trying to get through school must have been so difficult. Trying to sort through feelings, and then having such a big event in your life (like your 18th birthday), well, I'm sure it is a struggle. You will eventually begin to process all the feelings you are experiencing, and one of these days, you will be able to smile and laugh again, and even mean it. It just takes some time.One of the best things you can do is to just talk to people and/or journal your thoughts. It will help you.In the meantime, please feel free to post some pictures of your father, and tell us his life story. We will be here for you,ModKonnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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