loss of my elder sister

[lookingforlight]

I had a elder sister. We had a love-hate relationship. I wouldn't say we were best of friends but we were neither very close. However, she was my sister. I lost her last year in january and it has been a year now. I do not talk to anyone about her. Not even to my parents. I moved on in my life with my college and my first job in the real world but her loss is always at the back of my mind. I feel guilty at times for not being able to improve my relationship with her. I feel angry for the loss that my family went through. Infact I do not talk about it with any one. Only my best friends and my boyfriend know about her passing away. But we do not talk about it in our day to day lives. I feel bad because whenever my colleagues or any outsider who asks me about my sibling, I say I do not have any. But that is because I want to avoid talking about the loss of my sister ..atleast to people who I am not close too. I feel at times I am trying to run away from the situation and that I am in denial trying not to accept the fact that she is no more and it is okay to say that my sister passed away. I am normal and live life like normal and I am moving on but there are times when I feel sad and I cry. I miss her. I am upset when I realise I will never see her again or talk to her. I feel upset when people talk about their siblings and it hits me that I don't have a sibling anymore. I am all my parents have. Whenever I am upset about anything in life all I end up thinking eventually is the loss of my sister and how that loss is so much more and bigger compared to petty problems I have in my life and that breaks me at times. I am not depressed ...infact no one can tell I have been affected ..maybe because I don't like talking about it much as I do not want sympathy. But every now and then it hurts me at times ..and a lot. I know I am not the only one going through this. Do you think I am bad or selfish for trying to avoid talking about it or being in denial or not letting people know that I had a sister? It just puts me in a difficult position and I feel I am still not ready to talk about it to people I am not very close to. Are you going through something similar?

[ModKonnie]

Hi lookingforlight,

I am not an expert, but how you deal with talking about your sister is your decision. I can related to your decision to not talk about her at times. When people ask me about my siblings, I have to decide whether I say "four brothers" or "three" because then If I say four it will lead into a lengthy and often emotinal discussion about my brother who died. So, I am sure there are others who are in similar situations.

However, talking about your sister is healthy for you in dealing with your loss, even if you only decide to talk to a few close individuals.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie