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suddenly death of my father, we didn't have a good relationship


paintedinflames

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paintedinflames

hi...i lost my dad very suddenly on july 12th, just a few weeks ago. i'm 21 and moved out when i was 19 because i was always fighting with my dad and we hadn't gotten along during my last few years of high school. after i moved out, i only saw him four or five times between that time and the time i got the call from my sister telling me he was in the hospital. after that, i drove probably forty miles round trip every day to see him in the hospital, but he was so out of it i'm not sure he even knew who i was. i kissed him and told him i loved him every time i came and went, but i don't know if it even made a difference. the doctors told my mother that there wasn't anything they could do for him, just about a week after he'd been admitted to the hospital. the meds they were giving him were the only thing keeping him alive. so my mom made the decision to stop the meds, because she knew my dad wouldn't want to live like that. from the time they stopped treatment to the time he passed, was about five hours. i sat there for five hours and watched him die. it is an image i've been having trouble getting out of my head, and i keep dreaming about him. i keep feeling guilty that i wasn't there for him as much as i should have been. i don't know what to do. i can't change what's happened, but i don't like feeling this way. i want to be able to remember the good times i had with my dad, not just the last a few years, where both of us were just too stubborn to try and make amends. all i can do when i think of him now is cry.

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I can relate quite a bit... my mother and I didn't have the best relationship over the years. I had left for college at 18 and rarely went home to visit... it honestly wasn't till this year that my mom and I started to talk. I had focused for so long on my schooling and my career which had just started a year ago. I also lived several hours away from my family for the past 7 years. My mother passed away suddenly a week and a half ago, and while I was there and with her the last 3 hours it was hard. I had so many things I had wanted to say and to be able to talk about and let her know that I forgave her. I still feel as though I'm in some type of dream where things just don't make sense and I am having a hard time coming to grips with things. For the first time in probably 10 years I could have a conversation without an argument starting... and I felt like I was robbed of the time I should have been able to have with her. Regardless of all of the fighting I know deep down she and I both loved each other deeply. I know no two peoples story will be the same nor the grieving, but I can understand where you are coming from. People can tell you all day long they are in a better place, that it was God's Will, but it's okay to be angry and upset. While I haven't had the best relationship with God the last few years, I like to believe my mom can still hear me and she is here with me to help me and the rest of the family to get through this loss. So I pray and let her know what I am thinking and all the things in the last few years I wish I would have said, but never had the courage or the chance to. Stay strong and take each day, maybe even each minute by minute and lean on those that are there to support you.

God Bless

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I cannot offer much advice, but just know that we must hold on to whatever source of peace we can find. For me, just stepping outside of the hell I can create for myself sometimes helps. Just opening the patio door and sitting outside and looking at the earth seems to put a lot of things into perspective. My father died suddenly (most likely on June 10th and was found on June 12th) and we also went years without speaking. I am 32 years old and have not had any real relationship with my father since I was about 14 or 15 years old. I always thought of the day my older sister would call me and tell me he had died (he lived a rough life). I wondered how I would cope with it or if I could even bring myself to go to the funeral. Of course, my primary objective was to demonstrate as much love and support for my sister as I could so that task was a welcome distraction. Now that it has been 2 months since he died, I guess that state of shock is wearing off. I don't feel "quite right" and I don't feel "normal" and the guilt is heavy... but one source of peace is knowing that when it comes down to it, I know that people can only love in the capacity that they are taught. He loved me as best as he could. And I am actually more confident now than when he was alive that somehow he was given an understanding that I love him too... not sure where that confidence comes from, I just "feel it". I feel like he died finally understanding that it wasn't hate that kept me away, it was just that he and I just had very little to give one another. I'm so happy you were able to say goodbye to your dad. I believe he knew you were there. Sending you good thoughts.

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I cannot offer much advice, but just know that we must hold on to whatever source of peace we can find. For me, just stepping outside of the hell I can create for myself sometimes helps. Just opening the patio door and sitting outside and looking at the earth seems to put a lot of things into perspective. My father died suddenly (most likely on June 10th and was found on June 12th) and we also went years without speaking. I am 32 years old and have not had any real relationship with my father since I was about 14 or 15 years old. I always thought of the day my older sister would call me and tell me he had died (he lived a rough life). I wondered how I would cope with it or if I could even bring myself to go to the funeral. Of course, my primary objective was to demonstrate as much love and support for my sister as I could so that task was a welcome distraction. Now that it has been 2 months since he died, I guess that state of shock is wearing off. I don't feel "quite right" and I don't feel "normal" and the guilt is heavy... but one source of peace is knowing that when it comes down to it, I know that people can only love in the capacity that they are taught. He loved me as best as he could. And I am actually more confident now than when he was alive that somehow he was given an understanding that I love him too... not sure where that confidence comes from, I just "feel it". I feel like he died finally understanding that it wasn't hate that kept me away, it was just that he and I just had very little to give one another. I'm so happy you were able to say goodbye to your dad. I believe he knew you were there. Sending you good thoughts.

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