today is one month

[val]

it is early am. here on East Coast and I woke up alone, again today. I lost my spouse on July 5 2012. I hardly remember the past month because I've cried through most of it. No drugs , no alcohol. Just hard cold reality that my soulmate is gone. I now sleep with his box of cremains, his favorite shirt and bathrobe, oh and a baby stuffed turtle we've had around for years because I nicknamed him "turtle" a long time ago. Feelings on this date? Alone, loneliness, unbelieveability, sorrow, lack of grace, and overwhelming PAIN. I feel like my life will never be the same and the very scary part is: it will not. He will not be in it. Not in the way I want him in it. He made me laugh, smile, told me I was beautiful. We have/had a wonderful ten year relationship. I feel everything is thrown up in the air and I am waiting for dust to settle. I am planning a Memorial for him in the backyard where just a month ago WE were cleaning it up for a nice barbecue. He died in his sleep of unknown causes. I need a lot of support on this day and although I've been seeing a counselor and going to bereavement support groups, the groups only depress me further. I already suffer from clinical depression. I am reaching out for support to the group here. I find the chat room helps me but alas it is empty right now. Please help. valerie

[Mdanielson4]

it is early am. here on East Coast and I woke up alone, again today. I lost my spouse on July 5 2012. I hardly remember the past month because I've cried through most of it. No drugs , no alcohol. Just hard cold reality that my soulmate is gone. I now sleep with his box of cremains, his favorite shirt and bathrobe, oh and a baby stuffed turtle we've had around for years because I nicknamed him "turtle" a long time ago. Feelings on this date? Alone, loneliness, unbelieveability, sorrow, lack of grace, and overwhelming PAIN. I feel like my life will never be the same and the very scary part is: it will not. He will not be in it. Not in the way I want him in it. He made me laugh, smile, told me I was beautiful. We have/had a wonderful ten year relationship. I feel everything is thrown up in the air and I am waiting for dust to settle. I am planning a Memorial for him in the backyard where just a month ago WE were cleaning it up for a nice barbecue. He died in his sleep of unknown causes. I need a lot of support on this day and although I've been seeing a counselor and going to bereavement support groups, the groups only depress me further. I already suffer from clinical depression. I am reaching out for support to the group here. I find the chat room helps me but alas it is empty right now. Please help. valerie

Valerie,

I feel your pain, it is something unbearable to know your mate is gone physically forever. I do find comfort thinking my wife is still watching over me. I continue to talk to her, but the pain remains. I know looking for someone else is not what I seek, I love Mary and she is not coming home. I still search for answers, I wonder what would she want me to do? How would I respond if she was talking to me? Are there still tasks she would expect me to finnish? I know of a few things she told me to continue on with. This is not the same as if we wouldn't have know she was going to die. If it was a total suprise but my wife was on Hospice and they were trying to prepare us. Niether of us accepted that she was going to be gone. Unbearable pain! Neccessary support. I know the pain you feel, I wish I had the solutions!!! Answers, I can't find...

[val]

i am at a loss this morning as well. If acceptance is the key to getting on with life, i know I am far away from any acceptance of the situation. I certainly don't want anyone else in my life. I try to find comfort as well in believing I have an Angel looking over me. I'll think about what he would have wanted me to do. It was all so sudden, so sudden. This is going to be a rough one. thank you for your thoughts and my best prayers for you, val

Valerie,

I feel your pain, it is something unbearable to know your mate is gone physically forever. I do find comfort thinking my wife is still watching over me. I continue to talk to her, but the pain remains. I know looking for someone else is not what I seek, I love Mary and she is not coming home. I still search for answers, I wonder what would she want me to do? How would I respond if she was talking to me? Are there still tasks she would expect me to finnish? I know of a few things she told me to continue on with. This is not the same as if we wouldn't have know she was going to die. If it was a total suprise but my wife was on Hospice and they were trying to prepare us. Niether of us accepted that she was going to be gone. Unbearable pain! Neccessary support. I know the pain you feel, I wish I had the solutions!!! Answers, I can't find...

[widower2]

val, I'm so very sorry. It's only been a month, pls realize you need to give yourself time and lots of it and be gentle to yourself. Let your grief takes its own course and realize its OK for it to be whatever it is. If the groups make you feel worse, maybe you should stop them, at least for now. Perhaps try a 1 on 1 with a grief counselor if you have a good one-? (and if not, try another) That's what I did, I just wasn't comfortable unloading in front of a group. But again whatever works for you is the key.

It's a choppy sea we all travel, each in our own way and time, but you can get through it. And that's what it is, getting through it, not "over" it. Hold on. My thoughts and prayers to you.

[val]

i write thank you through my teary eyes. i don't know how to get through today. i just want to be with jerry. i can't stand this. i can't stop crying. thank you for your response; i know it makes sense but everything hurts so bad today. just so bad. i don't want to even leave the house. i may not. i see other couples together and i just cry. do theyknow how fortunate they are? i'm sorry i just cannnot stop crying. i WANT HIM BACK. val

val, I'm so very sorry. It's only been a month, pls realize you need to give yourself time and lots of it and be gentle to yourself. Let your grief takes its own course and realize its OK for it to be whatever it is. If the groups make you feel worse, maybe you should stop them, at least for now. Perhaps try a 1 on 1 with a grief counselor if you have a good one-? (and if not, try another) That's what I did, I just wasn't comfortable unloading in front of a group. But again whatever works for you is the key.

It's a choppy sea we all travel, each in our own way and time, but you can get through it. And that's what it is, getting through it, not "over" it. Hold on. My thoughts and prayers to you.

[widower2]

i write thank you through my teary eyes. i don't know how to get through today. i just want to be with jerry. i can't stand this. i can't stop crying. thank you for your response; i know it makes sense but everything hurts so bad today. just so bad. i don't want to even leave the house. i may not. i see other couples together and i just cry. do theyknow how fortunate they are? i'm sorry i just cannnot stop crying. i WANT HIM BACK. val

You're very welcome and I'm so sorry val. I know; I know those feelings so well. I don't wish this on anyone, but I so hate the injustice too. Why us? Why not some scumbag instead of decent people like us? As for crying, I hear you there too. Even in this day and age guys don't tend to cry as easily as women but I have pretty much every day for some time now. How can we not? It's like we've been chopped in half. And on it goes, this terribly rough ride, but I believe gradually it does ease, impossible as it may seem. PS also, as much as I rant about people reaching for this kind of thing too quickly, you might consider asking your doctor about some kind of anti-depressant or perhaps mild tranquilizer. It's not a solution by any means, but you aren't necessarily looking for a "solution" per se, just anything (within reason) that can help you get through this time, short-term and/or long term. Also may I suggest, again hard as it may be, try to keep as busy as you can. Do something - anything. Take walks, shop, hobbies, the company of others (assuming people don't do a fast fade on you like they did me), the counseling thing, read, watch movies/DVDs, listen to music, even simple housework or yardwork at least has your mind focusing partly on something else, which you need. Take care and try to just take each day at a time...I do believe your loved one is "out there" somewhere and knows your pain and is sad for you to go through this, but hoping and doing whatever they can to be there in some way and help you ultimately get through this. And for me the promise of seeing them again has helped more than a little.

PS the chat room has started gaining some steam lately and not always but off and on during early evenings or so you can sometimes find at least 1 or 2 of us there. Hope to see you.......

[val]

widower2, thank you. i think at this point, i will talk to my doctor - i have an appt. with him monday for my back anyway but that's another story. i find it very hard to keep busy; for me, it's more like laying in bed and staring at the wall. I believe I am severly depressed. i will take action Monday. For right now, i have tired myself out crying and am going to eat just a yogurt and lay down. As for your tears, of course men should cry. as you said, how can we no t?

i look forward t o more emails of support and you take blessed care. valerie

You're very welcome and I'm so sorry val. I know; I know those feelings so well. I don't wish this on anyone, but I so hate the injustice too. Why us? Why not some scumbag instead of decent people like us? As for crying, I hear you there too. Even in this day and age guys don't tend to cry as easily as women but I have pretty much every day for some time now. How can we not? It's like we've been chopped in half. And on it goes, this terribly rough ride, but I believe gradually it does ease, impossible as it may seem. PS also, as much as I rant about people reaching for this kind of thing too quickly, you might consider asking your doctor about some kind of anti-depressant or perhaps mild tranquilizer. It's not a solution by any means, but you aren't necessarily looking for a "solution" per se, just anything (within reason) that can help you get through this time, short-term and/or long term. Also may I suggest, again hard as it may be, try to keep as busy as you can. Do something - anything. Take walks, shop, hobbies, the company of others (assuming people don't do a fast fade on you like they did me), the counseling thing, read, watch movies/DVDs, listen to music, even simple housework or yardwork at least has your mind focusing partly on something else, which you need. Take care and try to just take each day at a time...I do believe your loved one is "out there" somewhere and knows your pain and is sad for you to go through this, but hoping and doing whatever they can to be there in some way and help you ultimately get through this. And for me the promise of seeing them again has helped more than a little.

PS the chat room has started gaining some steam lately and not always but off and on during early evenings or so you can sometimes find at least 1 or 2 of us there. Hope to see you.......

[val]

p.s.

i understand the fast fade you are talking about. i receive more solace here in forums than i have been from all the people w ho sent all the nice cards, you know? val

You're very welcome and I'm so sorry val. I know; I know those feelings so well. I don't wish this on anyone, but I so hate the injustice too. Why us? Why not some scumbag instead of decent people like us? As for crying, I hear you there too. Even in this day and age guys don't tend to cry as easily as women but I have pretty much every day for some time now. How can we not? It's like we've been chopped in half. And on it goes, this terribly rough ride, but I believe gradually it does ease, impossible as it may seem. PS also, as much as I rant about people reaching for this kind of thing too quickly, you might consider asking your doctor about some kind of anti-depressant or perhaps mild tranquilizer. It's not a solution by any means, but you aren't necessarily looking for a "solution" per se, just anything (within reason) that can help you get through this time, short-term and/or long term. Also may I suggest, again hard as it may be, try to keep as busy as you can. Do something - anything. Take walks, shop, hobbies, the company of others (assuming people don't do a fast fade on you like they did me), the counseling thing, read, watch movies/DVDs, listen to music, even simple housework or yardwork at least has your mind focusing partly on something else, which you need. Take care and try to just take each day at a time...I do believe your loved one is "out there" somewhere and knows your pain and is sad for you to go through this, but hoping and doing whatever they can to be there in some way and help you ultimately get through this. And for me the promise of seeing them again has helped more than a little.

PS the chat room has started gaining some steam lately and not always but off and on during early evenings or so you can sometimes find at least 1 or 2 of us there. Hope to see you.......